


The Search For Absolution

by cream_pudding



Series: In Pursuit Of A Normal Life [4]
Category: Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe, Childhood Trauma, Complete, Difficult Decisions, Emotional Manipulation, Established Relationship, First Dates, M/M, Psychological Drama, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Series, Sex, Slash, Smut, True Love, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-08-09 16:23:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 100,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7808803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cream_pudding/pseuds/cream_pudding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cloud's been running from his past in order to keep his brother safe. But now that his brother <em>is</em> safe Cloud sets out on one of the most difficult journeys of his life. Nothing but Cloud's own fears and uncertainties stand in the way of reuniting with the man he loves, but to also face the man who destroyed him so long ago. Cloud has to dig deep to find his resolve and courage to attain the things he has been searching for.</p><p>This is <b>Part Four</b> of my five part series - <b>In Pursuit of a Normal Life</b>. Cloud decides which way his life will finally flow. </p><p>This story continues on from the end of A Place To Belong.</p><p>Maybe a good idea to read this chronologically. But all parts are actually self contained. So you technically could just read each fic on its own.</p><p>Part One - <a href="https://goo.gl/Q7KZdI">A Small Glimpse</a><br/>Part Two - <a href="https://goo.gl/Mwfsz6">A Place To Belong</a><br/>Part Three - <a href="https://goo.gl/vfr5xa">The Clock Tower</a><br/>Part Five - <a href="https://goo.gl/3OP1rg">Tales From A Normal Life</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Distant Whisper

**Author's Note:**

  * For [secluded_delusions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/secluded_delusions/gifts).



> This work is dedicated to [secluded_delusions](http://archiveofourown.org/users/secluded_delusions), because she has been such a stellar supporter and friend, and we love Clack so hard. Check out her fics!
> 
> I also need to give a super extra special shout out to [Babs34](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babs34) because she gave me the motivation and boost to start this entire fic. Check out her work and give her some love!
> 
> This story is the conclusion to my four part series. It also serves as my personal love letter to Clack and the beautiful relationship these two men have with each other. 
> 
> If you are here for **AkuRoku please read important notice - >**There are fleeting mentions of AkuRoku, but that is not the focus of this fic. I kept the tag on because this is part of a series. If you want AkuRoku please read Part 3 - [The Clock Tower](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763/chapters/17410843). Sorry for any confusion.
> 
> As all that came before, this story is rated as explicit. Just look after yourself as you read it.
> 
> If you want to chat with me, drop me a comment here on AO3 or on [DeviantArt](http://cream-pudding.deviantart.com/) and/or - [tumblr](https://creamypudding.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And as always and forever, **kudos** and **comments** are love. If you like what you read please leave some :)
> 
> So... as they say... this is the beginning of the end.
> 
> Enjoy ♥  
>  **  
> **  
>  ** _~cream pudding_**  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud begins his journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Babs34, this first chapter is all thanks to _you_. ♥
> 
> This chapter corresponds with Chapter 13 of [The Clock Tower](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763/chapters/18042901) \- you can read it now.

It had been a devastating shock to his system. Cloud couldn’t believe how his body was failing him. An overwhelming sense of betrayal and irritation had flooded his every being when the bubbling and broiling sensations had started in his stomach. With every pitch and roll of the ferry as it chugged across the strait, back to the mainland, his seasickness had grown exponentially worse. 

Cloud wasn’t left to fondly gaze back at the land he had spent three years living his life at. He wasn’t able to say a farewell and reminisce, because his whole attention was focused on unsuccessfully keeping the liquids in his stomach from burning his throat and spilling forth over the railing of the ferry.

He was relieved that Roxas wasn’t around to witness this. He’d never live it down. The fondness he held for his brother caused him to smile, and was followed by retching moments later. Being sick once - that could be a fluke. But twice? That was actual motion sickness. After all the travelling he had done in his life he had finally succumbed to it. He never would have guessed that the sea would have been his achilles heel.

Landfall hadn’t come soon enough.

Being back on his bike felt a million times better. Flat hard surfaces and a landscape that only swayed with the breeze was his preferred state for the world to be in. It was something his body could understand. Being back on his bike was comforting and soothed his churning belly to some extent. 

He still felt woozy and worn out from the ordeal of the ferry, but he wouldn’t allow himself the luxury of stopping in the small port to recover. He pushed past the residual nausea, making his way north with haste, flying past the sparse military personnel which still patrolled the seaside.

Only once he felt there had been put enough distance between himself and the sea had he slowed down, stopped, and lain down on the grass to recuperate. 

He was finally out of Wutai. A part of Cloud felt elated, and another part of himself deeply hollow. He would even go so far as to say there lay dread, and an unsettling uncertainty. Everything familiar was left behind once again. An unpredictable future lay ahead of him.

But he had left. He couldn’t go back. Wutai was his past, and he needed to close his past off so it would stop bleeding into, and tainting the bright future he could have. It’s what everyone had been telling him, and Cloud had started to listen and think that there must be some truth in it.

Cloud took a bite to eat to gauge if he was fit for further travel. His stomach had settled somewhat, and the shaky weariness which came from the nausea had dissipated. He breathed the fresh, crisp air deeply into his lungs and continued forward.

Being out in the wilderness, watching the country race past, was exhilarating. It made an excitement well in him which he hadn’t felt since he had set foot in Wutai. The weariness of his inner turmoil seemed to melt away as he focused on nothing but the open road ahead. Maybe he had been stagnant for too long. Maybe he had lingered in one place far beyond his expiration date.

Cloud had never really known much in his life other than moving around a lot. Their dad had moved them to warmer climates, and then after that they had shifted around a bit more, only to have Cloud pick up the wayward wanderer mantle yet again, when he decided to run away with Roxas. It occurred to him that maybe being on a constant journey was his natural state of being. Maybe he was more adapted to a nomadic lifestyle. Maybe he had caged himself up staying in one place for too long. Maybe that had been what had ultimately made him so miserable. 

That thought let Cloud enjoy himself for several days. He was currently doing what only came natural to him. He had been fighting his natural predisposition for three years. That’s what had actually made him miserable.

Cloud allowed himself to slow down.

He camped out under the stars, gazing up into the pitch of night. The sounds of night engulfing and surrounding him, drowning out all the inadequacies he had ever felt within himself. 

He drifted and meandered up the winding paths, which lead away from Wutai.

All haste he felt as he had fled that country, forgotten and thrown aside. 

The usual four day journey took him eight to complete. He relished the fresh air. He relished not having to hide himself. He relished not having to be vigilant and protect Roxas from all the bad in the world.

He could finally breathe.

So when the constriction around his lungs set in once more, he pulled over at the side of the road. There was that too painfully familiar tightness of anxiety and worry clutching his mind. His body was tense with the same unease and discomfort he had felt while in Wutai, and also, more pointedly, while he had been on the run with his brother. It returned and settled into his very being like an unwelcomed old acquaintance coming around for dinner unexpectedly.

Reality had come crashing down on his head. 

He knew he couldn’t trick himself into believing that all the uncomfortable feelings he had experienced stemmed from having stayed in one place for three years. But it had been nice to imagine that this had been his only problem, for a little while anyway. It had been nice to think that what had been wrong with Cloud’s life wasn’t actually Cloud himself, but just his circumstances.

This intrusive reality check had come as Cloud was, quite literally, at a crossroads.

During his travels more houses began dotting the otherwise empty countryside, and the traffic had steadily increased, growing denser. Cloud had finally reached the very outer city limits of Radiant Gardens.

The courage and resolve he had managed to pull up out of himself late that night in Wutai, melted away in the glaring light of day.

Far on the horizon a hazy gray smog blanketed and hid the outline of the garden city. But Cloud had travelled this way enough times to be able to gauge quite well that it was less than a few hours journey. Up until this moment he had enjoyed himself. He hadn’t worried or thought further ahead than where he was going to refuel his bike, or where he might stop for the night. 

He had been free. 

But being this close to Roxas, Zack and even Sephiroth terrified him. Those three people comprised all of Cloud’s world. Could he face them? Would he return to them as a capable adult, or a needy child?

Cloud had been feeling _really_ good the last couple of days travelling. He had enjoyed being self reliant. He had treasured being alone and only having the odd conversation with store clerks at pitstops, or talking to farmers and innkeepers about being put up for the night.

He had gotten a taste of a different life. A taste of the life he always thought he would have wanted if he didn’t have to care for Roxas; the selfish and carefree life.

It had excited him. 

The wind blew, causing the oceans of grass to roll in a majestic wave.

Cloud looked South, from where the wind came, and from where he had also come. 

Flat road and rolling hills stretched off into a hazy blur. He had once thought his future lay down there. It had felt safe, comfortable, and had given Cloud hope. He had a purpose and distractions. 

He thought of Irvine for the first time since he had last spoken to the man. They were even. He had said so himself. Cloud didn’t need to feel guilty for how he had used and manipulated him into getting, what Cloud thought, he had wanted and ultimately needed. But he still felt awful about it. He hadn’t been respectful. He hadn’t seen Irvine’s good qualities and merits. He had only looked upon Irvine as a shortcut home. 

Irvine had been a means to an end, but Cloud couldn't even see what that end was anymore. Doing the things he did with Irvine only made him miss Zack more. It had always had the opposite effect.

He sighed.

The shortcut had turned out to be a much longer road than he would ever have anticipated. For some reason it had trapped him and kept Cloud in Wutai for a much longer time than was probably good for him - or Irvine. They had hurt each other for far longer than they needed to. 

Wutai had stopped offering salvation and became a prison. He had overstayed his welcome there, with dire consequences. 

It saddened Cloud. 

He turned his attention East, towards the city where he now was lead to believe his future lay. But what if he was wrong about that as well? And even if he wasn’t, and that was the place he would find his happiness and normal life - Even if that was where he could settle - Why did it have to be his immediate future? Why couldn’t it be his _‘in a few more weeks_ ’ future? Was he really in such a rush? 

In that direction lay uncertainty. In that direction lay deeply uncomfortable things which hugged the outer edged of his conscious mind, and lay even deeper buried within his subconscious. 

The news about Sephiroth, which had been rampant for a while, had flooded Cloud, and churned some of the well hidden feelings and desires inside himself in such a way that they still clung to him, even now. He wished they would settle back down to the deep dark recesses of his mind, but Cloud didn’t think he would ever get that wish.

He didn’t want to go face his demon. He wasn’t ready yet. Even the draw of knowing that Roxas and Zack were just a few hours ride away now didn’t burn bright enough against the strong brilliance of the open road. He, after all, only had a small taste of freedom. Was it wrong to want more?

Cloud rotated his head, scanning the horizon. Slowly his eyes peeled themselves off the place where he knew the city to be. His eyes languished and drank up the sweeping countryside as if trying to memorize every detail as they travelled and settled in a northern direction. A cold shiver ran through his body as the fading summer wind blew once more, tugging at Cloud, pushing him in the direction he was gazing. 

He heard it. 

A faint and distant calling, pulling at his heartstrings; To head East he needed to head North.

He returned to his bike, stroking Fenrir affectionately before settling himself on it’s back.

“I think we’ve still got one more journey left to make before we can finally stop, my old friend,” he spoke as he brought the engine back to life. 

* * *

 

Cloud’s journey continued North. At first he wasn’t sure what he was after, but he allowed himself to aimlessly wander, as long as it was in the general direction of North.

Cloud had really loved roughing it. He had enjoyed being all alone, because he hadn’t needed to exert any energy at making small talk with people, or worry about what others thought of him. He had been able to just be himself and it had been incredibly refreshing. 

But the seasons were moving as much as Cloud was, shifting into the cooler months. 

He was given less choice, needing to opt for staying at lodgings more often than not, the further he traveled, and the colder it got. Sometimes he would work for his board, as he only had a finite supply of money available to himself, and most of that needed to go towards fuel and warmer clothes, as well as towards fulfilling his eventual dream of starting his business in Radiant Gardens. But Cloud was never left in a position where he felt he had to worry. He was always managing to pull through.

The phone conversations with Roxas had ceased as soon as Cloud had left Wutai. He preferred sending text messages instead as he didn’t trust himself to speak to Roxas. Cloud wanted to keep this a secret for some reason. He was worried about what his brother would say if he knew that Cloud was out on his own. Roxas was really good at persuading Cloud, especially over the last three years. Cloud only wanted to go back to Radiant Gardens when he was ready to do so of his own volition. So he dreaded to hear how Roxas might try to force his hand, or somehow guilt him into coming back.

A part of Cloud wanted to prove something to himself as well. He wanted to test that he was a survivor. He wanted to prove to himself and others that he could cope being alone; he didn’t need anyone in his life; he could function and look after himself.

And he was doing it. He was fine.

Cloud revisited some of the smaller towns he and Roxas had stopped over years ago. He took note of how nothing had changed, which disheartened him a little. He had seen so much emphasis on change and transformation in Wutai - he had built such a strong inner dialogue around change being inevitable - that when he came to places where everything was still the same as it had been five years ago, it grated on Cloud’s nerves.

If some things didn’t change would that mean that Cloud might be one of the things in this world that also didn’t change?

It wasn’t worth thinking about. Cloud just had to keep trying. So he kept moving. He kept pushing further and further North, until he came to places he had never been to. Until he reached areas he only had the faintest and most faded licks of a memory of in the back of his mind. 

It was one of these places, an old mining town, nestled within the folds of the ever increasing mountain range, which sparked something within Cloud.

He finally knew where he was heading.

He was retracing his steps. He was going to his first home - Nibelheim.

But he wasn’t sure _why_. 

The realization came one day when he was staring at his phone, debating what he should do.

Cloud had been trying to reach Roxas for several weeks. He had been worried. Usually when he messaged Roxas, his brother would reply within a few hours. But it had been weeks since they last exchanged messages. 

The poor reception was partly to blame for that. Often Cloud would send a message only to be alerted with an error explaining that there was no signal. When he did get a signal however he would always check in with Roxas.

The mountains blocked off most of the signal range but Cloud had, for the last few days, found himself in a small town where there _was_ reception. Mountains surrounded the village but he found patches of good reception. Cloud certainly wasn’t going to complain. Patchy was better than none at all.

He found himself in one of those patches, looking at his phone, wondering what he should do. When he didn’t hear any news from his brother he had obviously become highly agitated and worried. All the old anxieties and worst case scenarios played in his head. What if Sephiroth had gotten out? What if Roxas had been in an accident? What if -. 

But Cloud stopped himself from going crazy. Being this far away from his brother - almost a month's journey if he really pushed himself and hurried - instead of meandering like he had been doing over the last two months - he still wouldn't be able to reach Roxas and protect or save him, no matter what had happened to his brother.

He had tried calling, to no avail. He had sent messages, with no reply. He was at the end of his tether. Cloud felt sick. He could feel the cold sweat building and his entire body seemed to vibrate with awful tension. 

He was going to call Zack, because surely that man would know what was going on with Roxas. Surely Cloud would be able to get answers.

But just as he was selecting Zack’s adorable caller ID image Roxas’ name flashed on his screen.

Cloud accepted the call instantaneously.

“Roxas?”

The phone line crackled and whistled loudly but he could still hear the far away voice of his brother breaking through all the noise.

“ _Cloud! You finally picked up!_ ”

“What are you talking about? _You_ finally responded to me. Are you ok?”

He felt relieved at hearing Roxas’ voice. Cloud considered himself lucky that Roxas had saved him from having to speak with Zack. The horrendous nervous buzzing subsided within his body.

“ _Yeah. I’ve - just had a bit of phone trouble, that’s all. Everything is fine. But where are you? I know you left Wutai. I spoke to Squall. He said he told you to come see me. Where are you? The line is terrible._ ” 

“Oh.”

“ _‘Oh’? Is that all you can say to me?_ ”

Cloud's mind drew a blank. In a way it was somewhat calming to know that he didn’t have to break the news to his brother himself. “I’m sorry, Roxas. I didn’t want to worry you.”

“ _If that was true you would have contacted me earlier. I was worried sick about you! I’ve been trying to reach you for weeks now._ ”

“I’m ok, Rox. The mountains are giving me really patchy reception. I was heading up to see you, but then I changed my mind. I -,” Cloud suddenly fell into a deep silence. Something just clicked in Cloud’s mind regarding his purpose for being in the middle of nowhere.

“ _Cloud? You still there?_ ”

The faint voice brought him back to his immediate surroundings.

As the words tumbled out they startled him, “Yeah - I have to go see mom.” 

“ _Oh._ ”

“But after that I’m coming right back. I swear to you.”

“ _Where are you now?_ ” 

“About half way. I should be there for winter.”

“ _She will definitely like that._ ”

“Yeah, I know,” replied Cloud, a smile playing on his lips.

It was nice to finally understand what he was doing. He loved the clarity he sometimes received by just speaking with Roxas.


	2. The Frozen North

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud makes it to Nibelheim and settles in for the bracing winter while he works up the courage to visit his mom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter _sort of_ runs parallel to events in chapter 15 of [The Clock Tower](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763/chapters/18132823) \- you can read it now if you wanna know what was happening back in Radiant Gardens.
> 
> Also a note about Cloud's parents names. His dad's - I just made up. His mom - I'm using the name given in the [wiki](http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Cloud's_mother), as we can probs assume that's the closest we'll ever get to a canon answer.
> 
> And this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjB2hbMYIXo) was the overall mood for the middle of this chapter

When Mt. Nible had come into view Cloud had to pull Fenrir over and stop. He was hit with a strange mixture of excitement and dread. 

He had only been two when his parents packed up and left. Not even old enough to form any coherent memories of this place, and yet it felt familiar. Being back where he was born stirred something inside himself. A feeling that he could rest here, gather his strength, and that things might actually be alright.

But a heaviness also laced his soul.

Everything was white, bright, crisp and clear.

He inhaled that air deeply into his lungs, trying to dislodge whatever indistinct feeling was attempting to make it’s home inside himself. He desperately wished for the air to cleanse him.

Cloud had seen plenty of snow, but never so thick as it was here. Nibelheim was like that, Cloud supposed. Nibelheim was _special _because that was something his mother had always told him.__

He recalled the bedtime stories his mother had told him and Roxas. She had always enjoyed reminiscing about the place she had been born and bred. Her face had always lit up when she had shared and recounted so many local legends, and as Cloud rode up the slippery and icy winding paths and roads, the stories and images of what he had been told would begin to flash into his mind. 

Was that the well from the story of the little girl who fell down when curiosity got the better of her? Was that the gnarled tree that was said to be a gateway to the top of Mt. Nible? Was that tatty, old, abandoned shack where wayward travelers could always find a hot meal cooking in the worst of storms, even though no one lived there?

The further Cloud traveled into the heart of the frozen north the more he felt like he was being drawn into the warm bosom of his loving, caring and gentle mother. The further he went the safer and comforted he felt, no matter how hard the wind lashed out at him.

Even the sound of Fenrir became swallowed up in the soft blanketed valleys of the mountain range, as if to say that it was alright to slow down and forget the noise of the world outside.

When Cloud stopped to look around from time to time, he found the silence heavenly. He swore he could hear the snowflakes falling - it was that quiet. 

He peered up at the sky. He gazed at the clouds that had given his mother so much joy, and which had also given him his name. A sudden pang of sadness hit him. This place made his mother feel like she was still alive. It made him miss her dreadfully. But Cloud took solace in knowing that coming to this place was definitely something he needed to do for himself. 

He hoped that she was smiling down on him.

He pushed onward and when he finally arrived at Nibelheim village he was almost instantly greeted by friendly faces. Cloud was ushered to an inn, and when he told them he would like to work for food and board he was greeted with more smiles.

Apparently he had just arrived in time for their peak tourist season. Wintersday, coupled with prime skiing slopes, seemed to cause the village to boom at this time of year.

Cloud wasn’t sure how long he was going to remain in Nibelheim for, so he just took it a day at a time. It would have been a challenge to think further ahead than 24 hours anyway, even if he had tried. Cloud was kept busy every day. He tended the bar at nights, he cleaned the rooms during the day. 

He also helped set up decorations around town - a task which, given Cloud’s apprehension for the festival, would have made Roxas laugh hysterically if he ever found out about it.

That brought many smiles to Cloud’s face as he strung lights up on the facades of the village buildings, and the old water tower in the middle of the public square.

All these tasks didn’t leave Cloud with much time to go out and explore. He didn’t have a chance to visit the place his mother had been buried. But it suited him just fine. He didn’t feel ready to make that trek up the mountain just yet anyway.

From time to time Cloud would meet locals who would ask him if he was _'Claudia’s little boy'_. He never felt a need to hide it. They would embrace him like he was a long lost relative and prattled on about what a good woman she had been, and what a gentle soul his father had been, and how sad everything was when Cloud inevitably told them that Oswyn had died, a few years before Claudia followed suit.

He was offered places to stay if he ever wanted to settle down in Nibelheim, because ‘ _Strife’s would always be welcome_ _here_ ’. He even had several marriage proposals thrown his way by locals desperate to give their daughters to someone with such a respectable family name.

Cloud had at first been quite startled, but after about a month of these repeated occurrences he became accustomed to it and was able to brush the proposed offers off lightheartedly. 

The way Cloud was met with sighs and grumbles, whenever he wandered about town, told him that some of the girls were a bit heartbroken. But others just laughed along side him at how ridiculous their parents were being. Cloud liked those girls the best. They were the ones he actually liked to talk to most often when he ran into them out in the village, or when they visited the bar a night.

Reception in Nibelheim still wasn’t great, so whenever he wanted to send Roxas a message he would have to go to the water tower, climb up and hope that the cloud cover wasn’t thick enough to mess with the signal. He made the trek up there every couple of days to receive updates and to send his own messages.

Cloud actually enjoyed being unreachable. It felt like his old life was separated from the life he was currently living. It was so far flung from how he used to be, and that was nice.

Nights weren’t a problem either. It was much the same as when he had been camping out amongst the stars. Tranquil and relaxing. He would listen to the wind as it rattled his window, in the small staff quarters he had been provided with. He would mentally list the things he needed to do the next day, shut his light off and drift into oblivion, to be repeated the next, and the next, and the next day.

A quiet confidence blossomed within Cloud. He didn’t ruminate about his past. He didn’t tear up. He felt full of energy and eager to accept any challenge that Nibelheim and its inhabitants threw at him. 

Roxas and Squall had been mistaken. Cloud didn’t need other people in his life. He was content, happy and functioning.

He gleaned satisfaction from being able to prove others wrong. He began feeling secure and self-assured that he had been on the right track all along. His attempts to rid himself of all attachments had been the correct path for himself after all. All he had really needed was some space and time for himself. It started to become a strong, prideful and self-righteous attitude.

He was self-reliant and nothing got him down.

Until Wintersday actually drew near.

The days had grown shorter, the winds blew harder, the snow fell gentler but in larger amounts. He also grew busier as the peak tourist season had finally arrived, but the tranquility he had felt was harder to attain.

Cloud’s heart had gradually grown heavier. It had been too small to notice at first, but the world began dimming and darkening. The zest he had felt for life had waned.

It became harder to get to sleep. Cloud felt restless, not being content to sit still. He wanted to work, and work _hard_ and long into the nights. He wanted to bury himself into something to distract himself. But nothing suitable was available.

Cloud grew more disconcerted with the heaviness that clung to him. He knew why, but he had hoped that he would have been able to put it behind himself. He had been cocksure that he had freed himself of the shackles that dragged him under and so often drowned him. He was a new person now, after all. He surely had overcome his lifetime of pathologies in the last four months spent traveling.

He cursed that it wasn’t so easy.

Why was change so hard to attain?

From what he had gathered from the locals he did befriend and was amicable with, it seemed that Nibleheim never changed. It always stayed the same. That’s why so many people still remembered Cloud’s parents. People didn’t often come and go on a permanent basis in this place. So when anyone did leave or settle, it was always massive news.

Cloud became disappointed at that realization. Again the thought wandered into his conscious mind that if his home town couldn't change maybe it meant the same for Cloud.

But he tried to keep a positive attitude. He tried not to over-think and dwell on things. He attempted to have a good night during the Wintersday celebration.

The whole village and all its tourists had turned out. There was a massive party in the village square and every inn, tavern and bar was packed to the brim.

Cloud was on duty, but he preferred it that way. It kept his mind occupied and stopped him from having to deal with his inner unhappiness.

There was raucous laughter, festive music, boisterous dancing, and gluttonous consumption of all things delicious. Cloud could enjoy that others were enjoying themselves. He wasn’t a total party pooper. 

People he knew would speak with him when he had a spare moment. He was able to have very generic conversations with them. Cloud was always glad to be called away and back to the bar though. It was an easy way to get out of conversations.

When his shift did end however, Cloud withdrew himself. He had offers to come and join in with the fun, but Cloud refused politely. A part of himself still couldn’t let go and have a good time. It seemed an unacceptable task to be engaging in. 

He headed outside into the freezing night air, pushing, weaving and ducking through the throng of drunken revellers - making his way up a winding path, leading away from the village

The further away he got from the loud sound the more content he began to feel. It was nice to receive respite from the crowds of strangers. But contentment gave way to little buds of loneliness and isolation, as a longing for familiar faces grew inside of himself. 

He thought about the gang in Wutai, wondering what decorations Selphie would have come up with this year. The girl had a habit of making each year be a different theme.

He huffed in amusement at the memory of her failed ice wonderland, and how it had just ended up making everything sopping wet. Cloud’s thoughts also fell onto Roxas. He missed his little brother. Roxas had always been there for him on this day, because - without fail - it proved to always be a challenge for him.

Cloud found himself an old bench, just outside an old mansion that stood dilapidated but nonetheless proudly on the mountainside. He sat, pensively overlooking the valley wherein Nibleheim was protectively nestled.

He listened to the far off clamor that was but a faint murmur in the otherwise pristine stillness. He wanted to savor this moment. This bitter and beautiful tranquility and peace. He was all alone up here, so far removed from all the living who were most precious to him. But he was also the closest he had ever been to the most cherished dead. 

A hard determination grew in Cloud’s mind. He couldn’t and shouldn’t put it off any longer. Tomorrow was infinitely important. It needed to happen tomorrow. He needed to fulfill his purpose. 

He looked up at the bright night sky, clear of all clouds. He stared into the eternal and endless void.

An overwhelming sadness for all that he had lost rose back up in himself; his mother, his father. Gone. All gone. Imagine the life they could all have been living together. They could have been _so_ happy.

Cloud frowned into the darkness and shards of ice went through his body and mind.

He knew that tomorrow would be a bitterly cold day, due to the naked sky. But then the day after Wintersday was always the hardest, no matter what the weather was like.

The serenity of the place calmed Cloud though. A warmth wafted into his soul. It was a gentle breath at first, tingling and subdued, but slowly it took form and lit his heart, enveloping him in a cozy cocoon. 

His mind had drifted to Zack. 

What he was doing right now? Probably having a fun time drinking and singing too much. Cloud’s whole body warmed at the thought of that man. It took the chill out of his soul, and soothed him.

He sighed and the warmth faded.

“I really haven’t changed, have I,” muttered Cloud to himself.

* * *

 

Icicles hung from every surface. The air was bone dry and froze his lungs on every inhale. His every exhale caused the water vapor in his breath to freeze in front of himself. The cold stung his cheeks and numbed his fingers and toes, despite them being wrapped in several layers of fabric.

Cloud was bundled up in the warmest clothes he had. He always felt like a marshmallow with how fluffy and insulated his outer jacket was. It elicited some childlike joy within himself. Like a forgotten memory of his mother possibly bundling him up like this so he could go and spend the day playing outside.

But he wasn’t out to play today.

Cloud had been up before the sun rose. He had set off before the world had awoken, wanting to reach his destination at the top of Mt. Nibel before anyone else could possibly disturb the peace.

The snow crunched and squeaked under his boots. All he could hear, aside from the rustle of his own movements, was his gentle rasping breath, and the occasional creaking of snow laden branches swaying subtly with the wind. From time to time a soft _plop_ would emanate from somewhere amongst the thick woodlands, which heralded another mound of snow dislodging in the distance and hitting the ground.

The world was still and demure. Mist curled and rose as the morning sun began to breathe some warmth back into the glacial valley. Light rays hit the crystals in the snow, causing the whole world to sparkle. Birds began to stir and flutter, but they didn’t dare to speak or sing. Something about the morning was precious and sacred. To make a loud sound felt sacrilegious.

Nine years ago his mother had died. Nine years ago Cloud’s life had been plunged into darkness and a false beacon of hope, safety and love had been implanted into his world.

They had spent that Wintersday in hospital, at their mother’s bedside. They had shared a meal, sung songs, did some coloring in, talked. Everything about that time was tinged in an off shade of blue gray. Everything had been hard. All joy washed away. That’s where his distaste of Wintersday stemmed from. While the whole world had been out celebrating with their families and loved ones Cloud had been losing his mother. 

He never understood how Roxas was able to bounce back from it. He supposed that is what Squall had meant; Roxas was strong and resilient. He could move beyond the grief of the past. He could see a brighter future for himself and let himself reach out and touch it. But Cloud loved to hold on, and tenderly watered his garden of past sorrows and hurts.

Cloud had been told where his mother rested, but he never had the courage to come and see her. And quite frankly he didn’t know what was different now to any other time. Maybe he was trying really hard to avoid his return to Radiant Gardens? He probably should have come here with purer intentions, instead of just using his mother as an excuse. But he was here right now and he thought that should count for something.

Cloud pushed the freezing gate of the cemetery open. The pained screeching squeal of the frozen metal echoed around the valleys below, announcing his arrival to the whole mountain.

Cloud shrunk back as if he had received an electric shock. He felt as if he had just offended every sleeping soul in this place. Cloud muttered his apologies and entered, leaving the gate ajar, as not to cause any further offense. 

He ambled through the cemetery, looking around. It wasn’t large, but it was old. Tucked between the rising summit of Mt. Nible on the right, and the dense forest on the left. The cemetery was otherwise clear and looking out over the valleys far below.

Cloud smiled at the spectacular view, especially when he found that his mother's grave had one of the best spots to appreciate what lay on the great horizon. Sephiroth had made sure that Claudia’s body was returned to the place she loved the most. Sephiroth was definitely also responsible for giving this final, and best, resting place to his mother. 

Sadness welled inside himself.

Being reminded of the good aspects of Sephiroth caused him a lot of pain. Thinking of how Sephiroth had cared for Roxas and himself in the months and several years after, caused him a lot of grief.

Sephiroth, after all, was the biggest growth in Cloud’s garden of misery. He had become one of the best tended to plants in there - and quite possibly the _only_ living thing growing there.

Cloud had lost his father. He had lost his mother. The had lost the people who loved and cared for him most, and by the very virtue of being his parents, had also lost the ones who had been sworn to protect him and keep him safe.

But then he was given a third person to love and care for him. And he had lost him too.

But not to death. 

He had lost him because of his own selfishness and stupidity. Lately Cloud had been wondering if that perhaps had actually been the worst loss of them all.

If someone was dead that was the end. But Sephiroth was still alive. There could still be something that could be salvaged. Something that could be fixed. To not even try when there was a chance to mend things was to truly lose.

Cloud had been through so much in life. Losing just didn’t feel like an option any longer.

That thought horrified and simultaneously also soothed Cloud. It was deeply disturbing and left him feeling conflicted.

He shook his head, desperate to clear the thoughts. Cloud pulled out a blanket he had packed, and a thermos flask filled with his mother's favorite Nible tea, settling himself down adjacent to her grave.

He set out two cups and poured the hot, steaming liquid into both, placing them down in front of himself.

“Hi mom,” he began shyly.

“Sorry I haven't come around until now. Roxas and I have had a really busy couple of years. We’ve been all over the continents. We’ve seen a lot of the world. I think you would be proud.” 

He wiped the gradual build up of tears from his eyes, and fought against how stupid he felt conversing with his dead mother's gravestone. He didn’t want embarrassment to stop him from doing what he needed to do, so be pushed through the discomfort.

“I’ve been to see dad, down in Wutai. I know you’re probably sad that you can’t be buried near him, but at least you get a really nice view up here. You can see the clouds rolling in for miles.”

Cloud gazed out for as far as he could see, to where the earth met, kissed, and merged with the sky. He watched for a while, wishing to see the same sights his mother had seen whilst growing up here in this frozen, yet beautiful region of the world. 

It was slow at first. The mist that rose from the valleys condensed and clung together in the freezing cold as the low winter sun struggled to rise higher into the morning sky. Mist coalesced, growing larger, and began forming low, rolling cloud bands, hazing the distant view.

Cloud was certain his mother would have loved this spot. It eased his heart somewhat.

He sat in silent contemplation for a considerable amount of time, sipping his tea before deciding to pour his mother's share over her headstone. 

He watched the hot liquid melt the caked on snow to reveal the engraved text below her name -

* * *

_**Claudia Strife** _

_Beloved mother, and wife. You will be forever missed. May the clouds and endless horizons keep you company and help to keep alight that eternally radiant smile on your face._

* * *

The sorrow which had been gently lapping at the shores of his soul over the past two months was suddenly transformed into a great storm, whipping and stinging in upheaved fury.

Cloud couldn’t bite back the tears.

He missed her smile - her warmth - her support - her love - her care. 

He missed his mom.

He let himself feel the regret and loss. He couldn't change the past, he knew that. He also didn’t wish to cling to it. He just wanted to allow himself to take this opportunity to grieve the way he had never let himself grieve before.

The pain washed through and out of him in hot, salty tears. He watched his tears spill onto, and melt the snow at the edge of his blanket. He told himself that it was alright to cry. He reassured himself that this was perfectly acceptable and that he would not need to feel ashamed or weak. He would just let himself do this once. That was his solemn promise.

“Mom - I know how strong you were. I know how hard you held on for us. I know that you loved us and only wanted the best for us. I know that each day with you was a gift that I still, and always will, cherish. But mom - you shouldn’t have left us. Everything went bad after you left us. I needed your protection. I needed you to look out for me. I didn’t deserve what happened to me,” he finished in a squeak.

The pain he felt inside bubbled forth. He felt sorry for himself. How could he not? Cloud was tired of being strong. He was tired of having to pretend all the time.

“I wish you could take this pain away. I wish you could make it better somehow, mom, please...” he begged, not knowing for what. He just wanted _something_ - _anything_ \- to mend the feeling of being so fractured and broken. “I - I feel like everything I’ve ever done since you and dad left us has been wrong. I’ve tried to be strong but I just can’t do it alone anymore, mom,” whimpered Cloud.

A strong gust of wind picked up, knocking Cloud’s thermos over his bag, which in turn caused the bag to tilt and fall over, scattering some of the contents. The picture frame which held Zack and Cloud’s photograph inside it, tumbled out on top of everything. 

Cloud looked over to the spilled mess through his bitterly pained tears. Weeping eyes lingered on the photograph. He hadn’t taken it out of his pack to look at it at all since he had settled in Nibelheim.

He wiped at his eyes and picked up the frame, clearing some of the snow off it, which had been kicked up and landed atop of the glass.

Was that the answer?

“I know you want me to be happy,” Cloud wasn’t sure if he was speaking to Zack or his mom, “but I don’t know if I can be.”

His brow was creased with uncertainty and he stroked Zack’s captured face with his thumb, desperately trying to remember what that man’s skin had even felt like.

_Warm_ \- he thought the answer should be.

“I met this guy. I think you would have liked him, mom,” Cloud sniffled, managing a weepy smile. “But this photo’s no good. He looks too sad. He’s not a sad person. He’s always smiling, cracking jokes. He always made me feel better. He’s always kind and warm. He sang me songs, and held me when I was feeling down.”

The sorrow in Cloud’s heart lifted and the smile on his face marginally grew in strength.

Cloud dug through his jacket pocket to find his phone. He navigated to Zack’s number without having to even look at what he was doing anymore, as it had become almost second nature to him. He brought up Zack’s goofy photo and showed it to his mother's headstone, like she was really there to see it.

“See, that’s more like him,” came his affectionate words.

Another, but more gentle gust of wind rolled through, as if to give Cloud approval. Cloud chose to read it that way and let himself smile wholeheartedly, no longer restraining or restricting himself.

“Zack makes me happy,” he whispered, and pulled his arm back in towards himself so he could take a look at the photograph as well. “I really don’t know why I’ve been so stupid and not gone back to him -.” Cloud sighed, “ _See_ \- I keep making all the wrong choices,” he spat bitterly.

Cloud shook his head in self disgust and went to put the phone back in his pocket when the motionless object in his hand suddenly came to life - vibrating and humming Cloud’s ringtone. 

Cloud tensed up in shock, almost dropping the device in the snow. 

He didn’t even realize he had any reception. Cloud’s heart began to pound wildly, and a cold sweat began prickling his skin when he saw that the incoming call still displayed Zack’s caller ID.

Cloud’s brow creased and a panicked expression seized his face. He looked at his mother's headstone, as if demanding an explanation.

“Mom...” 

The sun seemed to grow in strength through the haze of the morning, causing the snow to sparkle brilliantly.

Cloud felt like his mother was laughing at him in that uplifting and loving way she had done when she was still alive.

Cloud hesitated, debating on what he should do. This seemed like insane timing. Not to mention that Cloud didn’t even know how Zack would have his n-. 

Did Roxas… 

He silently answered the call, phone to his ear and heart in his throat.

“ _Good morning, Sunshine!_ ” came Zack’s voice, not missing a beat.

Those words - that voice - it boomed and echoed, punching Cloud in the gut. And yet the greeting had been so casual and warm. So warm in fact that Cloud felt its heat strongly course through his body. He felt alight with an electric buzz. He wanted to wrap himself up in that voice.

“Good morning, Zack.” He couldn’t disguise the smile which carried the words, even if he had wanted to.

Cloud felt proud over how level and equally casual he thought he was managing to project his own voice, despite the flutters running through him.

The light tinkle of Zack’s breathy laugh rang through Cloud’s soul, and lifted him higher than the stratosphere.

“ _Man, it’s good to hear your voice. Roxas gave me your number, as a Wintersday present. I hope you don’t mind._ ”

“I’m - _your present_?”

“ _Yeah._ ” 

Another laugh.

Cloud felt like he could die happy on this mountainside right now, basking in sunshine, snow and Zack’s vibrant life force, reaching through thousands of miles on a crackly line.

“I think he’s ripping you off, Zack. This is a pretty cheap gift. I wouldn’t stand for it.”

The smile, which Cloud hadn’t even realized he wore, infectiously spread through the entirety of his face, scrunching his eyes completely shut in utter bliss.

“ _Hmm, I think you’ve got a point there, Cloud._ ” Zack sounded thoughtful and then devious as he continued on, “ _You’ll just have to come over and take me out on a date some time, so I can get the most out of my present._ ”

Cloud’s whole body tingled. His chest swelled with even more warmth, which spread all through his limbs. The idea of going on a date with Zack caused his stomach to flip and knot with joy.

He had wondered how conversations would go with Zack if he ever had the courage to call. He had run through thousands of scenarios of what he would say and how he would feel.

He never really envisioned it being quite like this however. He had never thought it would feel so fun and carefree.

“Hold on a minute. Why do I have to clean up Roxas’ mess?”

“ _That’s what big brothers do, isn’t it?_ ” laughed Zack yet again. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Cloud responded gently, with the elation still carrying in his tone.

He breathed in that cold winter air, deeply. He felt light as a feather, and like he would float away if another gust of wind blew through.

Cloud marveled at how happy Zack sounded. Cloud wondered if _he_ was the reason for Zack’s joy - or if he had just forgotten that this was Zack’s natural way of sounding and being.

As if to reassure Cloud that happiness wasn’t the only feeling Zack _could_ express the man’s voice came through a little more serious this time, “ _Is it ok if I call you from time to time? I miss hearing your voice._ ”

Zack’s words stilled Cloud’s breathing into non existence, and he was flooded with a pleasant shiver of electrical energy running up and down his spine. Two years worth of torment, fear and uncertainty allayed in just seconds? That really did seem to be Zack’s superpower.

Cloud finally remembered how to breathe again, and softly spoke, “You’re such a sap.” Every syllable dripped with the love he felt for the other man.

“ _Only for you,_ ” rumbled Zack’s husky voice through the line, sending more shivers through Cloud’s body.

“Yeah, ok. I’d like that,” breathed Cloud. He was blushing furiously up on the cold mountain top.

Both men were silent for a moment, basking in the far away glow that they both left on each other.

“ _Alright then, Cloud,_ ” Zack’s voice started up again like an engine, slowly increasing with vigor. “ _You got it! I’ll let you go now, though. I’m sure you’ve got a busy day ahead of yourself, and I do too. I’ll speak to you another time. Have a great day and - Happy Belated Wintersday!_ ”

“Happy Belated Wintersday to you too, Zack. Look after yourself.”

“ _You know I will!_ ”

Cloud smiled. 

“Bye, Zack.”

“ _Bye, Sunshine._ ”

The phone conversation ended and Cloud was left blanketed in the pristine mountain silence. But he no longer felt empty and cold inside.

He fell back on his frigid blanket, gazing up at the sky and watched as the clouds quietly rolled into Nibelheim. He felt relieved over Zack having ended their conversation. That man always seemed to know what Cloud needed and when he needed it. He drew his arms close around himself for a tight hug. He felt like his mother was right next to him, smiling up at the sky with him, and cheering Cloud on to claim the happiness that she had always wished for him.

Belated or not, this had been the best Wintersday gift he had ever received.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of my favourite chapters to write *sighs contently*
> 
> This song is for the end of this chapter --> [Gift - OAR](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGgSs-85Mv8)


	3. The Winding Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud goes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks heaps and HEAPS to secluded_delusions who's hopped aboard in helping me edit this fic. Your help and opinions are invaluable!!

Usually this entire month would be a write off. It would consist of self deprecating thoughts, sullenness and a heavy weariness. The world would turn gray and everything would have served as an irritation.

But Cloud was doing ok. 

He felt energized and uplifted. 

Zack still cared for him. He thought of him. He _missed_ him. 

Just remembering the conversation Cloud had with Zack ignited something within himself. He could finally believe what Squall and Roxas had tried to tell him. It filled Cloud with a dazzling brightness that illuminated all the dark places in his heart. 

His soul blazed with renewed vigor. 

Even the thought that Squall had been right - that Cloud might be one of those people who _needs_ others from time to time - couldn’t taint his mood.

Cloud went up to visit his mother a few more times over the next few weeks. 

Most of the time he sat, listening to the wind howling through the valleys below. But from time to time words trickled out of his mouth as well.

“ _I tried my best, mom. I tried to look after Roxas. I even tried to look after Sephiroth. He became really important to me._ ”

Over the days, bleeding into weeks, Cloud began to unburden himself.

“ _I wanted to give him a piece of me, because he meant so much to me - and I could see how much he was hurting._ ”

…

“ _I loved him. I really did. I never meant to hurt him, but I think I did. And he hurt me right back. So I took Roxas when he was well again, and we ran. Because I was selfish. Because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take what Sephiroth dished out. I hated him, mom. I hated you for letting him into our lives. You left me with that beast. You never taught me about my feelings and what I should do with them. And he never taught me either.”_

…

“ _Why does it feel like I still need him, mom? Why do I feel so bad after all the things he did to me? It makes me feel so disgusting inside._ ”

…

“ _Did you know about his past? Did you know that he was orphaned and had no one to look after him and care for him? Did you know that Roxas and I ended up just like Sephiroth? All alone and abandoned…._ ” 

...

“ _Did you - did you know that he and dad…_ ”

…

“ _Mom, I‘m so sorry. I’m disgusting. I know you would be so ashamed of having me as your son if you were around now. I know all that. But please… I’m so sorry._ ”

Cloud wept on that plateau. The mountain air froze and crystallized his tear tracks. 

He knew he would never get his answers, but it had been important to ask anyway.

...

“ _I want to make it right._ ”

...

Each time he came back down from that biting cold mountain top Cloud felt marginally better. It was like an exercise in chipping away at his guilt and shame.

After all that time consumed up in the frigid cemetery he was finally ready to leave. The painful hours he had spent in reflection and confession had also left him feeling more whole.

He was ready to depart the safe harbor and tranquility which the memory of his mother had provided. The journey, as well as the destination, had brought him peace and a much needed ego boost. He had learned more about himself. He had been able to see that he could survive on his own. He had even thrived for a while there too. 

But now he wanted to begin the last leg of his journey. Cloud understood that he couldn’t hide away. All peace must eventually fade. If it left him while neither Roxas nor Zack were there to lift him back up, he saw the dark and soiled path he would end up trudging. After all, he had been down that road before. He had overstayed his welcome in Wutai. It would be all too easy to repeat the same mistakes again. 

So this time Cloud would choose change. He would choose to reconcile with his past, so he could move towards his future. He could see what his future entailed. He knew the path that needed to be tread. He saw the roots he had to weed out of his garden, and the demon he needed to vanquish. He even saw the beacon of light at the end, across the ever stretching sea, with its goofy grin.

His final destination - and his home - awaited.

* * *

 

The journey back to Radiant Gardens took two months. Cloud didn’t tell Roxas or Zack that he decided to come back. He wanted to keep his options open, in case he chickened out. It wasn’t the most comfortable thought he ever had, but Cloud wanted to be a bit more honest with himself. Even if he couldn’t extend that same courtesy towards those he loved the most.

Cloud took his time travelling down. Not as much time as he had taken getting _to_ Nibelheim though. He still stopped over in places, to give his body a rest from riding for too many hours. He took in any sights he might have missed on his journey up, while steadily drifting down the mountains and towards the plains. There was no rush, and there also wasn’t any need to meander either. 

Cloud thought he was making good time.

Zack would call from time to time. Cloud always felt elated when his cellphone vibrated and buzzed with cheer. He always pulled over and stopped whatever he might have been doing so he could give his full attention to Zack.

“ _Heya Cloud! I was just thinking about you._ ”

“Why’s that?”

“ _Well because I sent Denzel out to make a delivery to 7th Heaven. I should really take Tifa out some time. Ya know, as a ‘thank you’ for having sent you my way._ ”

“Just make sure it’s somewhere she actually wants to go. I don’t think she’d appreciate getting dragged to wherever _you_ might think is great.”

“ _I have impeccable taste, I’ll have you know._ ”

“I seriously doubt that. I’ve seen how you dress. I’ve seen where you like to hang out.” Cloud couldn’t suppress the warm smile that always found its way onto his face when he thought of Zack.

Zack’s affronted scoff rang clear through the line. _“I’ll prove it to you one of these days._ ”

“I can hardly wait,” he responded in a wry drawl.

“ _C’mon Cloud, sarcasm doesn’t suit you,_ ” came the plaintive retort.

“Sure it doesn't,” said Cloud sarcastically.

Zack’s whine filled Cloud’s ear, causing a chuckle to form at the back of his throat.

He always enjoyed the playfulness which Zack somehow infused into Cloud’s life.

Their conversations were probably like this because Zack kept the promise he had made so long ago. He never pried by asking Cloud where he was, or what he was doing, or when he was coming back. Zack always left Cloud to do his own thing. He always trusted Cloud to know his own mind, and Cloud really appreciated that.

But the things Zack _did_ speak about were around his own work, the church and everyday things. Sometimes he would even call just to ask what he should make for dinner. Or to get some help around what pranks to pull on Denzel. 

Those conversations usually came prefaced with a succinct recount of how the cheeky teen had pulled one over on Zack first, which always seemed to call for vengeance to be served up.

Conversations were brief, but always so uplifting for Cloud’s soul. He was always left with a smile and tingling warmth. 

Six months ago Cloud would never have entertained the thought of heading towards his waking nightmare. But speaking with Zack gave Cloud strength. It reminded him that there weren't just nightmares awaiting him at Radiant Gardens.

One day Zack had called and Cloud noted the slight off kilter pitch in his tone. Despite Zack’s best efforts to keep the conversation light there was no mistaking the weariness. Cloud had only heard Zack so burdened when they had spoken about one particular subject in the past. He became acutely aware of what today's date was. Cloud had memorized it for this exact reason.

During a lull in their conversation Cloud asked, “Are you ok? Like _really_ ok?” 

“ _Yeah, why do you ask?_ ” A thin laugh attempted to veil the tension Zack seemed to hold.

“You don’t have to pretend with me. We can talk about _serious_ stuff too, you know.”

Cloud heard the slight huff of amusement through the phone.

“ _I know. I just don’t want to burden you. The reception’s been so bad that I only get through to you once every five or so calls. I need to make the most of the time I do have with you. I don’t want to waste it by being all sad._ ”

Cloud thought he could hear Zack’s buoyant grin through the phone.

“You really call that often?” came Cloud’s small and flattered voice.

Another huff of amusement rang through the phone, “ _Well, I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself by telling you the actual amount I try to call you, so I’ll stick with that number. You’re the highlight of my day._ ”

Cloud pressed his face against the phone wanting to feel closer to Zack. This long distance thing was beginning to become quite frustrating.

“You’re the highlight of mine, too,” confessed Cloud in a low murmur. His heart left him buzzing and a smile caressed and lit all the shaded areas of his face.

But before Zack could say or do anything to embarrass him further, Cloud continued, as gentle as he could, “But that doesn't change the fact that I know today is when that attack in Wutai happened.” 

All Cloud could hear was Zack’s faint breathing… or was that sniffling?

“I went and found the spot. I saw the nice memorial plaque they put up for him. I think you would really like it, if you ever wanted to go and see it,” Cloud ended softly.

Zack remained quiet and Cloud just frowned. Zack wasn't the type to brood. That was Cloud’s job.

“I know how much he meant to you. I know how much it hurts to lose family. I’m here for you, Zack.” Cloud took a deep breath, “Like you were there for me.”

“ _I don’t think I could go there by myself,_ ” Zack murmured through the line.

Cloud frowned at that. The way Zack had always been there for others - the orphans - Aerith - Roxas - and himself - spoke volumes of the strength Zack possessed. It upset Cloud that his pillar seemed so fragile. It hurt that he couldn’t be there to support Zack. Cloud mentally kicked himself. He should have been less selfish. He should have made more of an effort to get to Zack in time for today. 

“I’d go with you. You wouldn’t have to be alone,” Cloud heart pounded firmly against his chest.

“ _Thanks, Cloud. That - means a lot to me,_ ” was the somber response. “ _I wish -_.”

Zack laughed a little, dismissing his next words, “ _Never mind._ ”

But Cloud knew what he wished for, because it was the same thing that Cloud wished for.

“It’s alright, Zack. I’m coming back. I’m on my way right now. I’ll see you and Roxas soon.”

“ _Really?!_ ”

The surprise was unmistakable.

“Yeah. I’m sure the reception will get better soon too, so you better not call so much or it could be embarrassing for you.”

An elated breath rolled through. 

“ _Wow! Really? Sweet! I guess the last thing I need is for you to actually see what a terribly embarrassing sap I can be. Thanks for the heads up, Cloud!_ ” Zack’s warm radiance beamed through the line.

“Anything for you,” and he meant it.

“ _Is that why you’re coming back? For me?_ ”

Cloud couldn’t decipher Zack’s tone of voice at that moment. He sounded… almost displeased?

“No,” admitted Cloud. “Well, yes, but no. I’m coming back for myself. There are things I need to do - and face.”

“ _Any reason why you have to do, and face this, ‘now’_?”

Cloud knew that Zack knew what he meant.

“I’ve been holding on to the past for too long. I learned that while I was in Wutai. I learned about dad, you know. About all the good he did. About what kind of a man he was. I wish I had known him better though. Not heard all this stuff from other people. I wish I could have experienced more of what he was like.” 

Cloud felt remorseful over all the chances he would never get to bond with his parents. 

“And I went up north to be with my mom, too. I - I don’t know if it sounds stupid, but - I felt like she was still alive up there in Nibelheim. Like her spirit lives there. I got some stuff off my chest. It made me see how I’ve held on to the dead past for so many years. I really want to be with the living now. I want a future for myself, and -.”

Cloud’s breath failed him. He wasn’t ready to say it aloud just yet.

“ _And?_ ” coaxed Zack.

“I really miss you,” exhaled Cloud, sharply.

“ _I really miss you, too,_ ” was the infinitely gentle response.

Cloud yearned to have Zack draw him close into a warm hug.

The affection in Zack’s voice shifted to one of bubbling excitement, _“We’ll have such a great time when you’re back. You can help me teach Denzel a lesson about not covering our toilet in clingwrap. Oh Cloud, it’s gonna be so great! Oooo! I’ll take you to the Science Museum. There’s an exhibit I think you’d really like.”_ Zack just became more and more excited as he talked on. But he stopped to catch his breath and calm himself a little.

_“But alright. That’s enough rambling. I gotta keep some things a surprise for you. I’ll let you go now, ok? I need to tell Roxas! - It’s ok if I tell him, right?_ ”

The way Cloud’s cheeks had scrunched up with joy while listening to Zack’s overwhelming happiness was beginning to hurt a little. But he couldn’t stop himself. His whole face was just lit with so much love for the other man. 

Cloud nodded, “Yeah, of course it is.”

They ended the call and Cloud was left surrounded by the sound of nature and Zack’s brilliant laugh, still reverberating around his ear and heart.

* * *

 

As Cloud left the mountains behind his reception dramatically increased. Zack called every day. Sometimes even eight times in one day. He evidently didn’t care about the ‘ _embarrassment factor’_ of appearing too sappy or clingy.

Cloud always picked up with a flutter in his rib cage. He reflected how annoying this would be if it were anyone else calling him so much. That’s how he guessed that he really loved Zack. Nothing he ever did seemed to bother Cloud.

“Zack,” laughed Cloud wholeheartedly one day, “This is the fifth time you’ve called me in as many hours. You can’t have _that_ much to talk about.”

“ _How was I s’posed to know that the reception was actually getting better?_ ”

“I told you it would.” Cloud couldn’t wipe the smile from his face.

“ _Yeah, you did. I just - I guess I had a hard time believing it, is all. I’m just ‘really’ excited. You really ‘are’ coming back!_ ” Zack cheered through the phone.

Cloud’s heart twinged a little. He couldn’t hold Zack’s worry against the man.

“I am. You know you make me pull over every time you call, right? If you keep this up I’ll never get there, so…”

Cloud heard the sharp inhale of breath.

“ _Gotcha! We’ll maintain radio silence, to speed up your return._ ”

“Did you just salute me?”

Zack’s chesty laugh affirmed Cloud’s suspicion.

Zack kept his word and didn’t call him anymore after that. It left Cloud to get lost in the feel of the warming wind, and the roar of his bike. Winding roads stretched ever on towards his destination.

As Cloud drew closer day by day the anxiety in his chest fluttered alive. He tried not to dwell on it. He knew he would have support when he got there, but the demon loomed so large sometimes.

Cloud found himself slowing down. He found himself lingering in places. He stopped for the night earlier, and left later in the mornings. 

His chest felt tighter the closer he got to his destination. A heavy knotted lump settled in the pit of his stomach, growing denser by the day.

He was scared.

His muscles twitched and buzzed with discomfort as he attempted to settle himself down for the evening.

Sephiroth was over the horizon. He didn’t know how he could ever face that man. The things Cloud had done to him - and the things that man had done in turn to Cloud -. It was much easier to face the dead than the living, Cloud concluded.

Yet Sephiroth wasn’t the only shadow growing on his mind.

The closer he got to Zack the stronger his worries grew. Would they be able to pick up right where they had left off? If the phone conversations had been anything to go by it would be alright. It would be better than alright. But could Cloud allow himself that comfort? Did he deserve it?

Hadn’t he just spent two months in Nibelheim coming to terms with all this? And now he was second guessing himself again? _Now_ , when he was so close to being where he knew he needed to be? Radiant Gardens was only a two day journey away. 

Cloud felt irritated with himself.

He had been put up in a little farmhouse for the night, but he picked up all his meager possessions and packed them away again. He needed to get moving before he talked himself out of this whole ‘ _facing your past_ ’ thing.

He didn’t want it to end here. He wanted his new life to begin already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm rooting for ya, Cloud!!! *gets out her cheer squad*
> 
> Song for this chapter [ Shattered - OAR](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qa5Mawz92xU)


	4. The Waiting Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud settles in and prepares himself for the long wait he will have to endure before he can get his life back on track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds with [Chapter 16](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763/chapters/18181864) **AND** [Chapter 17](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763/chapters/18236125) of The Clock Tower - you can read it all now.

He had ridden non-stop. Exhaustion lay heavy but he continued pushing through fatigue and all kinds of unpleasant thoughts. His mind was firmly planted on the road stretching out ahead. The focus was on what he saw, and not the minefield in his head. Trees, buildings, grass, concrete, sky. His little brother’s smile the brightest beacon.

That is all he was going to do. He was going to be with Roxas again, just like old times. Anything else at this point wasn’t worth considering.

He and Roxas had barely been in touch. Once Cloud started speaking with Zack he had received all his information through that source. When Zack had stopped calling him he only sent the occasional message to Roxas, which always seemed to look like -

_C: Hey Rox, how you doing?_

_R: Ok. You?_

_C: Fine. See ya soon._

R: :D

Riding into Radiant Gardens had been partly exciting, but largely an overwhelming anxiety. Cloud had tried to calm himself by just focusing on navigating through the traffic.

He was actually nervous as he pulled into the familiar street and stopped in front of the familiar house. Roxas had taken up residency at Sora’s place, while Sora was away in Midgar, studying.

Cloud let himself into the backyard and with great stiffness walked towards the flat in the back. It was the hours on Fenrir, but also the tremendous nerves and uncomfortable hammer of his heart which caused his unusual gait. He took a deep breath, lowered his bag to the ground, and just stared at the glass door in front of himself. It was _really_ early in the morning. He hadn’t dared to stop, because any down time would have caused his resolve to waver.

Cloud rocked his shoulders, and bounced on the balls of his feet. He pushed fatigue aside and pumping up his courage.

This was it. He had finally arrived. No more running. No more hiding. Only facing all the things he had to.

He knocked and waited.

The sound of the door unlocking was accompanied by a loud and aggravated bark.

“ _What?_ ”

Cloud’s chest heaved with a suppressed laugh. His brother was groggy and only half dressed. Hair was plastered to his face and sticking up violently. The sour look on Roxas’ bleary face melted, and a cry of elation sprung forth. Roxas rushed him, and arms were flung around each other.

Cloud’s heart erupted in joy. Tears of relief and gladness filled his eyes to the brim and spilled.

“Holy shit, Cloud! You’re here!”

“Yeah,” chuckled Cloud.

Roxas pulled away a little and gave Cloud a once over. Cloud looked at his brother with more love than he could ever remember feeling for him.

“You look really good! When did you get in?”

“Geez, you sound so surprised. Don’t think I can look after myself without you, little brother?” teased Cloud with an overwhelming bright smile.

Roxas beamed, tears streamed and an unshakeable smile was plastered on his face.

“But to answer your question - I got in just now.”

“So you haven’t been to see Zack yet?” the disbelief was rife in Roxas’ voice. “Let me call him -”

“Rox, please don’t,” came Cloud’s quiet, albeit stern response. Cloud couldn’t face Zack right now. It would be too overwhelming. “Let me decide when I’m ready to see him. I’ll go to him soon - I just need time. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell him I was here.”

“But -,” was the confused response.

Cloud kept his eyes evenly on Roxas.

“Well alright then. Go have a shower and I’ll make us some breakfast.”

* * *

 

A lot of sleeping occurred those first couple of days. Cloud had run himself ragged with the mental effort and strain it took to make it all this way. But recuperation was rapid under Roxas’ care.

Roxas seemed to be quite busy but when he was around they had a lot of fun together. Being with Roxas again felt like old times. Minus the stress and constant painful weight of having to survive. Cloud found it odd. An adjustment he needed to make. But no less pleasant. It was nice to speak and listen to his brothers enthusiasm and tales. Cloud was glad that Roxas was living his life and enjoying himself.

One night they were sitting on opposite ends of Sora’s lounge, having just finished a racing game.

Cloud had spent a lot of time during the game catching Roxas up on the finer details of what he had seen and done. Currently he spoke of Nibelheim, and the Wintersday decorations.

Cloud overflowed with joy as Roxas’ laughter rolled. He loved seeing his brother happy. But once the tears came Cloud had put on his serious voice.

“It’s not _that_ funny, Rox.”

“As _if_ it’s not that funny,” Roxas _still_ laughed, wiping at his eyes. “I can’t imagine you ever doing something like that out of your own free will. You’re _sure_ no one put you up to it? You’re _sure_ no one poisoned your drink?”

“I’m full of surprises, Rox. I thought you knew that by now,” a soft smile slipped out.

Roxas snorted with laughter and mellowed a little.

“Sure, sure!”

“Hey you told me so yourself ages ago,” Cloud recalled.

“I don’t remember doing any such thing... but hey, whatever. I guess it just runs in our family then,” surmised Roxas, while gentle waves of laughter still rolled through. “Like how mom would always hide the vegetables in our food! Remember that?”

“Yeah, once we found out she pureed cauliflower and turnips into the mash you wouldn’t touch it for weeks,” Cloud started laughing.

There were memories which elicited no pain for Cloud. It felt like a gift to be reminded of that fact.

“Hey, don’t pretend like you didn’t turn your nose up at that stuff too. You just ate it so you could pretend to be better than me.”

“I _was_ better than you, Rox,” teased Cloud. “Plus I needed to lead by example because I got in trouble when you didn’t eat your food.”

“What! How’d I get _you_ into trouble? I was the one who got no dessert until that awful gunk was completely gone!” Roxas protested, but still smiling.

“You always looked up to me, and mom knew that,” he returned the warm smile.

“That was only coz you were so tall. Don’t get confused about that.”

Cloud chuckled. “But you’ve finally caught up to me.”

“Yep, our family’s definitely full of surprises, huh,” Roxas grinned in triumph.

“Oh, Rox - speaking of surprises - why did you give Zack my number?” Cloud was definitely grateful to Roxas. But he wanted to make his brother somewhat uncomfortable before he let him off the hook. “You never asked me if that was ok.”

Cloud watched Roxas’ smile fall away like leaves in autumn.

“It was kind of in the spur of the moment. We were sitting out in the backyard there,” Roxas pointed behind them in the general direction of the outside, “and he was just missing you so damn much. I felt really bad for him. So -.” Roxas shrugged his shoulders.

“Well I should thank you for that, I guess. I really needed to hear his voice. I really needed to know that it was ok to come back,” Cloud spoke with sincerity.

“So you’re ok with _needing_ people in your life now?” was the gentle query.

That seemed to be the million dollar question. Cloud couldn’t give a concrete answer just yet.

“I think I’m getting there,” he tried as a response.

Roxas smiled warmly, which just pulled one out of Cloud as well.

“I’m glad it helped,” and Roxas genuinely sounded relieved. “I think it really helped Zack a lot too, ya know?”

Cloud looked at Roxas in surprise. “Really?”

Roxas nodded.

Cloud sucked in some much needed air, as his chest expanded around the uncomfortable worry that pulsed through his body.

He didn’t like the idea of having put Zack through any troubles or heartache. It was so easy to feel guilty for that. It was too easy to start worrying about how all this time could have changed how they felt about each other. It would be too easy to think about what a disappointment it would be when they got back together and things weren’t the same.

Yeah, he felt himself getting sucked into that vortex.

But hearing his name called out sternly pulled Cloud back up from his thoughts. His drooped head and eyes returned to focus on his brother.

“Why _did_ you come back now? Was Zack talking to you _really that_ helpful? If so then we should have done this _years_ ago.”

Roxas sounded a little irritated.

“No, that’s not it, Rox. Yeah, it helped, and thanks again for doing that for me… and Zack,” Cloud added hesitantly. “But it’s not like I jumped on Fenrir the instant I heard Zack on the phone. I’ve come back because now is the right time. Now is the time I need to see Sephiroth.”

Roxas’ surprise was palpable.

“Sephiroth?”

“I’ve seen, dad. I’ve seen mom. I need to see him as well. Put it to bed once and for all.”

Cloud was determined. He couldn’t afford to have his will waver on this particular subject.

“I know you and Squall want me to move on from the past - but I found that the more I turned from it the heavier it became. Going to Wutai made me face something. I think both of us understand dad a lot better now. And that’s helped.”

“Yeah,” Roxas nodded quietly in acknowledgement.

“Leaving Wutai made me face the reality of how much running away from my problems isn't good for me. So I decided to go see mom, and sort out some of the jumble in my head.”

“I was able to live the kind of life I always thought I would want. I lived the life that I thought _you_ had kept me from. And even though it was pretty nice not having to worry about anyone else but myself, it was also kind of lonely. Having a brother is better than not having one.”

Cloud looked up and gave Roxas a meek smile, “Having people I love, and who love me, is better than being alone. Even the hurt we’ve put each other through in the past, and no doubt in the future too, is still better than not having any of that.”

Cloud’s face drooped as he became too uncomfortable looking at Roxas.

“I feel like facing my past and understanding it is the only way I can really open myself up to accepting myself and letting the good things into my life. So I have to face Sephiroth. I need to speak with him. I need to understand. I need -.”

Cloud’s words drifted off. He needed something, but he wasn’t quite sure what that was. Sephiroth had been the man to hurt him the most in his life, and Cloud was certain he hurt him right back. He needed to make it right before it was too late. Before the man ended up beyond his reach, like his parents had.

“So that’s why I need to see him. To move forward I need to move backwards. In order for me to get here I needed to travel way back. I can’t explain why, but it’s helped me a lot doing it this way.”

They both sat quietly for a moment.

Roxas’ gentle voice piped up in the stillness of the night, “I’m glad, Cloud. I’m so happy that you’ve figured out your own way through life. Figured out what works best for you. It was so frustrating watching you take so long. I just wanted to shake you out of it. But I know that we are really different. I never had to deal with all the crap you had to go through. I never had to be an older brother. I -.” Roxas’ voice broke, drawing Cloud’s eyes up and towards the shimmering blue of his brother’s gaze. “I’m so glad I had you to look out for me for all my life.”

“Rox…” Cloud put the controller down. He closed the distance between them and embraced his little brother in a fond hug. Roxas clung onto him, and the tears intensified a little, soaking his shirt.

“What’s the matter?” Cloud muffled into Roxas’ hair.

“I just didn’t realize how much I missed you. And how happy I am to have you back.”

Cloud’s chest was squeezed tight, forcing his breath out harshly. A bittersweet smile unfurled across his face.

He tried to sooth his brother the only way he knew how. He did what Zack had done for him when he had felt upset in the past. He patted Roxas, and hummed some of the melodies he remembered from their childhood. It seemed to do the trick.

Roxas pulled away from Cloud once he had managed to calm his tears and replace them with a smile.

“Thanks for being here. See, I told you I need you.”

Roxas looked so fragile the way he smiled at Cloud. It could almost break his heart. Cloud smiled back at his dear brother.

“Well maybe you just put the waterworks on to make me feel better. I wouldn’t put it past you,” Cloud said playfully, wanting to lighten the mood.

He hadn’t enjoyed seeing his brother so vulnerable. But it had been somewhat reassuring to see it as well; Roxas wasn’t a superhuman. He felt things just as deeply as Cloud felt them. He ruffled Roxas’ hair and smiled at him with tenderness.

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” Roxas said between sniffs.

Cloud dismissed Roxas’ words with a shrug of his shoulders.

Roxas spoke up softly, eyeing Cloud with caution, “You know - I went and saw Sephiroth.”

A cold sickness ran through Cloud. He grew angry at himself. Cloud should have been here. He shouldn’t have let Roxas face the man alone. Cloud clapped his mouth shut which stupidly had started hanging open. “You went and saw him? By yourself?”

“No, not by myself. I’m not that stupid.” Roxas seemed to shudder, which upset Cloud. He had failed to protect his brother once. He hated that he hadn’t been there for him on both accounts. He hated that he always took so long to make up his mind.

“Axel was with me the entire time. He was so helpful. It was really hard to get in there and see Seph, you know. There was so much paperwork and they needed to verify my identity. Which - given we don’t have any of our birth certificates was _really_ hard. But Axel helped me through it all.”

Cloud’s shoulders eased. What a helpful reminder. Cloud wasn’t the only person in Roxas’ life anymore. Roxas had others to protect and look out for him. But... “ _Axel? Being helpful?_ ”

“You know that Axel’s got some personal connection with Sephiroth, right?”

“No.” Cloud’s eyes widened in shock.

“His dad sort of grew up with Seph. They went to the same boarding school, and stayed in contact, and Seph was over quite a lot. He even babysat Axel and Kairi when Reno was out. Can you imagine! But anyway, it would have taken forever if I didn’t have Axel’s connection to get me in there.”

Cloud _hated_ knowing about the life Sephiroth had led before he became a part of Cloud’s life. He tried to dismiss the information as soon as it was attained, changing the subject somewhat.

“What was it like?” Cloud choked out, feeling morbid curiosity.

Roxas seemed hesitant to give an answer.

“The hospital is really nice. He’s in this private residential complex. He’s really well looked after.”

“That’s - not really what I want to know,” confessed Cloud. Right now he didn’t care if Sephiroth was doing well or not. He wanted to know _how_ the man had behaved.

Roxas formed slow words and looked uncomfortable, drawing in on himself. “It was … really weird seeing him again. He was - mean. I had Axel with me, and Seph just - he was really mean,” Roxas finished in a mutter.

“Are you ok, Rox? Did anything bad happen?” Cloud put his hand on Roxas’ shoulder. He didn’t like how Roxas was acting.

“It’s nothing like _that_. I got really angry. I punched him in his arrogant, smug face - but then we got escorted out and I’m not allowed back in there.” Roxas finally looked back up at him.

Relief washed over Cloud, as well as a sudden flash of amusement. It grew with tremendous strength until he had to press his lips together to keep the loud laugh at bay.

He couldn’t … _shouldn’t_ … laugh about his little brother... -

“You - _punched_ him?” The wave rolled and crested, breaking free. The laugh sputtered out from the bottom of his rib cage. It was all too ridiculous.

Roxas joined him in surfing the merry wave of mirth, moments later.

The laughter died away shortly after and Roxas resumed telling his tale.

“Yeah, right in his stupid face,” he chuckled

Yet the grin quickly faltered and faded. “I wish I could have done more. I wish I could have said more. But I’m not all that level headed. Axel told me that the hospital policy changed after that. Now it’s even harder to get in there. So - I’m sorry if I only made your life harder,” Roxas apologized painfully.

Cloud frowned. That wasn’t the best of news.

“It’s alright, Rox. I’ll figure something out.”

* * *

 

He spent his days wondering what his own reaction would be if he ever managed to see Sephiroth. The news of the bureaucracy Roxas had to endure to get in was disheartening. Cloud supposed he would have a lot of time on his hands before he would ever see Sephiroth again. That wasn’t the most comforting bit of news he ever received either.

Cloud started traveling out to _Royal Hope Garden Hospital_ , where he proceeded to just sit and stew.

Time passes as he watched people moving in and out of the hospital.

Happy people and sad people moved in and out. Families came and went. People laden with gifts and ‘ _get well soon_ ’ cards ebbed and flowed. Large teddy bears and flower bouquets were delivered.

Should he be one of those people? Should he get a meaningless card for the man who lay just beyond the boundary?

He imagined Sephiroth locked up in a room somewhere, kept away from society and from himself. Like a dangerous animal.

He was so close. It was terrifying.

Sephiroth might be in so much need. Possibly hurting. But a hurt animal was even more dangerous, Cloud reminded himself.

What would he even say to the man? How could he ever face him? Maybe a stupid card _might_ be an answer. He could leave it and never see the man again. ‘ _Sorry for everything. Goodbye.’_

Cloud grew angry at his cowardice.

He huffed in irritation, got up, and left to busy himself with planning his future in Radiant Gardens.

He still had his dream, after all. He wanted that mechanic shop; _his own_ mechanic shop. A lot of things that Cid did in his own shop had been things Cloud couldn’t agree with. The mess for one had been something of a daily nuisance. Cloud was eager to run his own business; his own way. To feel that sense of accomplishment. To feel capable and in direct control of his life.

It spurred Cloud on to make inquiries and eventually rent out the lot next to Zack’s. He asked the realtor to keep it quiet, not wanting Zack to find out about it.

A part of him really wanted to see the surprise on Zack’s face. He desired to revel in the joy and touch of the other man. To see if Cloud truly made Zack happy. To find out if Zack truly made _him_ happy.

He wrestled with what he wanted from his future with Zack, and what he needed to do with facing Sephiroth, his past. Life seemed hard as long as Sephiroth hung over Cloud’s head. The idea of being happy while his past loomed so heavy seemed wrong. It scratched at Cloud’s guilt. He attempted to push through it.

Things were moving along smoothly. When Cloud wasn’t busy sitting out on the front lawn of the hospital, brooding, he began to organize the tools and equipment he would need for his business. But soon even that had all been sorted out.

Cloud was procrastinating - badly. Constantly looking for other things to do. Constantly double and triple checking everything.

He told himself that he should just go in and make an inquiry. The longer he waited, the longer this whole ordeal would drag out. What would be the harm in getting the ball rolling? By the time anything happened he was probably going to be an old man anyway.

So he made the decision. He mustered up his courage. Cloud had everything ready to go to start up his business. Zack would be down at the church this weekend allowing Cloud to get into his own space and get himself set up. And then he would wait for Zack to come back.

His stomach erupted in nervous flutters every time he thought about his reunion with Zack. Cloud had to remind himself that Zack _wanted_ him. Zack _missed_ him. It would be alright.

An overwhelming sea of nausea replaced the nervous and ghosting desires swirling in the pit of his stomach. The closer he got to seeing his plans coming to fruition the scarier everything got.

He had set up all the pieces and was finally ready to start his life afresh. Start the life that he wanted for himself, not the life he had to live out of necessity or survival. He would figure out what he needed to do to see Sephiroth and then steadily work towards that goal. And in the meanwhile he would work on his business and spend time with Zack.

Zack’s warm smiles, touches, care and compassion - Zack’s love for Cloud, which shone so bright and was shown in all their past interactions - That’s what Cloud wanted. That’s what the definition of _‘bliss’_ was for Cloud.

And he thought that it might be ok for him to have that. At least for a short while. At least while he waited to be granted access to Sephiroth.

It’s what got him to muster up courage and step through the automated glass doors, one day.

The sterile smell of disinfectant rolled over him and stung Cloud’s nose. He remembered that smell, for all hospitals smelled the same. Memories of his mother’s final moments hit him right in the face.

Cloud really didn’t want to be here. Hospitals had always been terrible places for him. He had racked himself over metaphoric coals whenever he had visited Roxas in hospital. He had been filled with sadness and sickness when he visited his mother. Nothing good ever came out of hospitals.

He breathed in that pungent stench, and pushed the past down. It would do him no good to run and hide because of those memories. He couldn’t let it hold him back.

Cloud’s eyes searched out his surroundings until he found what he was looking for.

He approached the reception with much trepidation, giving his reason for being at the hospital once he arrived at the office window. He gave his name as well when he was asked for it, and waited. He didn’t know why he needed to wait. Surely they would just give him forms or phone numbers. Then he would make inquiries and be send on his merry way to wait. And then he could forget all about this and spend time being with Zack.

Cloud grumbled to himself and hung around restlessly, pacing. He hope it would help to stamp out the flittering butterflies in his core.

After an eternity passed Cloud was finally approached by a friendly looking nursing staff.

“Cloud Strife?” she inquired.

“Yes.”

“If you wouldn’t mind signing this consent and non-disclosure form,” she handed a clipboard to Cloud who took it warily, putting pen to paper, “I can take you to see _The General_ immediately.” Her face was amicable.

His heart plummeted to the floor and panic seized him. Dread engulfed his body as he struggled to decipher the words which had been spoke to him. He had to dig deep to find his voice.

“W-what do you mean? _Immediately_? I thought - this would take a while.”

He still held the clipboard in hand but lost his grip on the pen. It clattered to the awful linoleum floor.

The nurse looked at him with slight concern. She cast her eyes down at the pen in a pointed ‘ _you gonna get that?_ ’ stare.

Cloud just stared dumbfounded, a slight ringing in his ears.

When he didn’t move she looked disgruntled, and picked it up herself.

“Well he apparently has been expecting you for quite some time now. He instructed us to let you see him when you came around. So if you don’t mind, just sign the forms and I can take you there.” She tried to hand the pen back to Cloud, but he continued to just stare at her, desperate to process the words.

Sephiroth had been _expecting_ him? Sephiroth _wanted_ to see Cloud?

The sickness welled up inside him like a tsunami. It hit him with excruciating force, and drowned him. The smell of the hospital rose and turned acrid. The ringing in his ears intensified. A jackhammer was going off in his chest and a prickling sensation tingled all over his skin as sweat built up.

He pushed the clipboard towards the nurse, stammered a “ _I’m sorry, I can’t,_ ” and fled back the way he came, hardly hearing the clipboard fall to the ground or the way his name was being called out.

He just ran.


	5. To Be Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud waits for Zack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, if you are _still_ reading this series and this fic then **thank you** from the bottom of my heart. I know it's a _huge_ time investment for you to be undertaking. People don't go into fics thinking it would take so long. You just come here to waste a bit of time and read something fun after all.
> 
> I just _really_ , _**really**_ appreciate every one of you for reading my works. It's a mind blow every time.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> **~Cream Pudding**

Cloud spent the next few days in an introspective mess. He tortured himself in regards to what the chaos at the hospital had been about. He couldn’t, and didn’t bring it up in conversation with Roxas. Cloud chose to deal with it on his own, because he didn’t feel there would be any resolution to his dilemma. He poured his energy into organizing his deliveries, and was kept busy with many phone calls. It helped with masking his turmoil. 

Cloud could hardly wait for the weekend to arrive. He wanted to get lost in setting up his workshop. ‘ _Doing’_ was the preference over ‘ _thinking’,_ lately.

He pulled into the familiar row of warehouses early that Saturday morning. Cloud knew Zack had left the day before so he would be safe to set up his business. 

A mixture of fear and anticipation broiled inside Cloud as he looked around. The area was nowhere near as desolate and quiet as it had once been. A lot more businesses had sprung up over the last few years.

Memories flooded him of the first time he had pulled into this place. It had been at an equally early hour of the morning. 

Four years ago Cloud’s life had changed for the better. After the ruin that Sephiroth had left Cloud in he had never imagined that he would ever love anyone again. Much less the dorky guy who had bounded out of this warehouse. 

Life had been full of lonely hardship for him until Zack had graced Cloud with his presence. Cloud could still remember how uncomfortable he had been with Zack’s overwhelming energy. He had been so apprehensive and distrusting. Cloud had also been _really_ desperate for work. He was glad for that, and a warm fondness rose within himself. 

Zack’s personality and respectful approach to how he had dealt with Cloud had won him over. Cloud had never been treated the way that Zack had treated him, and continued to treat him. 

Cloud really missed him. 

He yearned for the other man as he stared at the emptiness in front of himself. This place was sad and lonely without Zack’s cheer. It felt like a perfect representation of Cloud’s heart right now.

When had Cloud turned into such a sentimental sap? He shook his head and dismounted Fenrir.

He headed for his warehouse and fumbled with his newly acquired keys. Cloud was nervous but also buzzing with excitement. This place was _his_ now.

He had never been able to imagine a time when he wouldn’t be running with Roxas; forever hunted. He had never been able to picture himself settling down, and _owning_ something like a business. But here he was; about to embark on his brand new life.

Cloud sombered a little bit. He would also never have imagined that there would be a time when he would have chosen to walk towards the man who had tormented his body and mind. 

A lot of things had changed. 

He had come a long way. That did bring a smile to Cloud’s face. 

The key found its way into the lock. He opened up the door, which gave a pained moan from having nearly rusted shut from years of disuse. He peered inside the dark warehouse. It smelt musty and stale. He would transform this place. He would change it and make it into something vibrant and lively. Cloud would also do the same for himself, because he was able to change after all. All his anxiety about staying the same had been baseless.

His smile only intensified.

* * *

 

For the rest of the day and the one following he didn’t focus on too much, besides cleaning up and setting up his work areas. His own warehouse space was almost an exact mirror image of Zack’s. Cloud had already spent years picturing how he wanted his own space to look, making the whole process of organizing things easier.

He would make the upstairs section his living quarters, much like Zack had done with his. The downstairs room would hold all his equipment and be neat and tidy, much _unlike_ Zack’s space, thought Cloud in amusement. He’d set up a small desk and office area to the side, out the front, and leave plenty of space to store and work on vehicles in the back.

Roxas came around to help lend a hand when he wasn’t busy. They worked well together and got most things set up in no time. They chatted a lot about what Roxas had been up to, and Cloud noted a distinct absence of any mention of Axel. He frowned at it but didn’t feel like delving into Roxas’ life. Roxas was far more capable of handling his own issues anyway. Cloud felt confident that Roxas would be fine and would come and talk to him of his own volition if there ever was anything to discuss.

As Sunday afternoon rolled around Cloud became increasingly nervous. A lump was forming in his throat which just couldn’t be swallowed down. It only became bigger and harder when Roxas made plans to head back out.

“Hey Rox…”

“Hmm?”

“You wanna stay for a little bit longer?” 

Cloud had _tried_ to make it sound as casual as possible, but was apparently failing at it.

“You that scared to face Zack alone?”

“No… ?” Cloud groaned at his pathetic uncertainty.

“Well then… I’ll go if that’s alright with you,” and Roxas fished his bike’s keys from his pocket and turned to leave.

“Roxas -.”

Roxas turned around to face Cloud with a smirk on his face.

“I’ll order us some pizza,” he pleaded.

“Bribery, is it?”

Cloud nodded.

Roxas seemed to solemnly contemplate this for a moment.

“Alright, but you better make it _expensive_ pizza. If I have to watch you and Zack falling all over each other in a desperate lovers reunion I’m not gonna put up with that cheap franchise crap. I demand the gourmet ones. My palette is far too expertly trained nowadays to put up with subpar food.”

Cloud had to laugh. “And yet you still chow down on those Moomba burgers.”

“Guilty pleasures. We’ve all got them,” pouted Roxas.

The hours ticked by excruciatingly slowly but Zack never showed up.

“Cloud, how ‘bout I just call him? That would be a lot easier than having a freak out. You’re driving me nuts staring at the clock like that.”

They had finished for the day and were sitting on the concrete floor demolishing the over the top gourmet pizzas.

“No, don’t call him.”

“You got some weird phobia of making phone calls or something that I don’t know about?”

“Hey, I called you _plenty_ of times, so don’t give me that attitude.”

Roxas laughed between mouthfuls of pizza. “Just an observation, no attitude. But really. You’re driving yourself nuts watching the clock, and that’s driving _me_ nuts. Just call him. It’s not like you haven’t spoken to him before.”

Cloud sighed. “There’s no point. If I call him he’ll drop whatever important thing he’s doing to come back. I don’t want him to do that. I don’t want him to change his life or plans for me. I’ll still be here whenever he gets back,” he shrugged, and cast a glance back at the clock he had set up. Maybe he shouldn’t have put a clock in just yet. That was probably a fatal mistake.

“Yeah, I suppose calling him wouldn’t change anything. But it would make you feel better to know where he’s at and when he _will_ be coming back,” reasoned Roxas.

Cloud grumbled in the back of his throat. “I think it’s best I _don’t_ know when he’s coming back. If I’m driving myself crazy right now imagine how bad it’ll be if I knew what day to expect him back by. I wouldn’t be able to sleep.”

Roxas giggled. “God, you’re cute when you’re in love, Cloud.” 

His laughter only intensified as Cloud glowered at him.

* * *

 

Cloud, feeling satisfied with his set up, spent the next few days drumming up business. He went around to some of the people whom he had helped Zack make deliveries for previously. 

To Cloud’s shock a large majority actually remembered him. In the past this would have caused him a lot of anxiety but now he was ok with it. In fact, it made Cloud’s life a bit easier as he didn’t need to lay on what little charm he possessed to get some work for himself.

Cloud didn’t care if these people were only providing him with business out of sympathy or some sort of pity. A job was a job and he needed the money, especially after the huge expense that setting everything up had been.

He happily buried himself in his work. He actually felt confident in his own abilities to generate a good reputation for himself. Once a few of his customers could see what he could do for them Cloud would be set. Cloud smiled at that small confidence boost. It had never existed before his time in Wutai under Cid’s tuition.

Cloud left the shutters to his workshop wide open every day. He deliberately left Fenrir out the front, and his heart burst to life every time a vehicle pulled in. 

It was never Zack who arrived, though. 

The pounding in his chest gradually faded as he grew accustomed to the frequent sounds of traffic moving past, and in and out of the warehouse parking area.

Days went by, and Cloud wondered where Zack had gotten to. Roxas kept offering to call the man, and Cloud always refused. He could hear the echo of Zack’s business phone ringing countless times in the empty building next to him during his work day. He felt like the sound also reverberated around the hollows of his chest. 

By the end of the week he was willing and wanting Zack to return, albeit with quiet trepidation thrown into the mix of all the other emotions he felt when he thought of Zack.

He was nervous about seeing Zack again. He hoped all their feelings would be the same. He worried that Zack would reject him when he saw Cloud again. After all, Cloud had grown much older. Much more ugly. Maybe he should have gotten a haircut. Back to how it once had been. Maybe Zack had built up a false memory of Cloud and what he was like. Maybe Zack’s expectations would be something Cloud could never live up to.

Cloud groaned so often when his head went to that dark place of swirling uncertainty. He couldn’t quieten it down. Mainly because Cloud couldn’t understand what Zack actually saw in him. He didn’t know what had attracted the man to someone as awful as himself. But Cloud was glad and felt blessed that Zack _had_ seen something in him.

Cloud sometimes felt that being with Zack pushed Cloud to try and be a better person. Wanting to be with Zack forced him to face things and most of all face himself.

If he was honest with himself this business venture had also been one of those things which had Zack as a tonal undercurrent.

Cloud had wanted to do this for himself, yes. But this venture had been a _little_ bit more of a priority in Cloud’s life because he wanted to make Zack proud of himself.

And Cloud was ok to admit that to himself. Maybe not to anyone else, but certainly to himself.

As days continued to wane he became a little worried and stared at his phone a lot. He hoped that this would somehow summon forth a call. He seemed to have a knack for getting phone calls coming through at opportune moments, for some reason. So why wasn’t it working right now?

Maybe he had finally run out of luck. Maybe Cloud’s next lesson in life would be around summoning his courage. Cloud frowned deeper at his silent phone, before packing it away again.

He would learn to not be a giant chicken one day. But not this day.

He returned to his work. It was an old rust bucket that some elderly gentleman seemed to have trouble letting go of. Cloud felt quite passionate about getting the thing purring like a kitten again. He knew all too well how sentimental and nice it was to hold onto some things from the past. So he really wanted to help the man out.

Cloud was bent over the old SUV, elbows deep in the engine, profoundly in thought over where the problem lay. The combustion engine seemed fine - but maybe the pistons were misfiring… Maybe the intake valves weren’t working right. 

Cloud frowned, sticking his face right in there to get a better look. He ran his fingers across the greased up metal frames, trying to feel for any cracks or loose parts.

“ _Welcome home, Cloud!_ ” came a booming and cheerful voice.

Cloud’s heart jumped out of his chest. He snapped up in attention, making forceful contact with the car’s hood above him. He winced and rubbed his head in pain, attempting once more to lift himself and turn around, albeit with more care.

The surprise and fright of getting roused from his deeply engrossing activity still pulsed through his body. 

But the butterflies joined in and danced to the wild beat of his racing heart. 

A warmth welled and spread to the hollow parts of himself.

That familiar silhouette stood at the entrance to his warehouse. It formed a firm contrast between the brightness of the outside and the relative gloom of the inside. 

Breathing… what was that again? 

Cloud felt frozen in space and time though. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t run towards the man. He couldn’t fling his arms around him, and meld with that flesh, to be one forever more with him. 

His pride wouldn’t let him. Or maybe it was the shock of it all. He couldn’t say. All he knew was that he could hardly believe he finally found himself in this situation. 

Cloud just stood there, rubbing his head and wincing.

That hood was solid metal, unlike the lighter alloys of more modern cars. It really hurt. But Cloud was glad for it. The external pain helped with not losing himself in his internal world.

But he felt so unprepared.

“Hey Zack,” he got out. 

Zack strode forward, oozing confidence and grinning from ear to ear. 

Cloud could hardly breathe as he watched that gorgeous body move towards himself. Since when had his knees felt so shaky? Or maybe it was his whole body which was quivering.

“You need me to kiss it better for you?” asked Zack when he stopped in front of Cloud.

The question made Cloud’s heart flutter and his skin prickle. Cloud couldn’t believe this moment had finally come. So many regretful years overdue.

He removed his grease and oil stained hand from his head and just nodded. His heart only raced faster as Zack’s arm extended. The crook of his elbow gently wrapping around the the base of Cloud’s neck. Cloud was pulled towards Zack’s body so the man could place a kiss on the very top of Cloud’s head.

Cloud’s face was completely drawn into, and rested against Zack’s chest. The smile he felt he had been holding inside of himself for all these years unfurled. 

He inhaled deeply. 

Zack still smelled like sweat and sunshine. 

He loved that scent. It brought back well worn memories of being at the church with Zack. Working hard and resting peacefully.

He also loved the heat that radiated off Zack’s body. It was comfort and safety. It was cheer and acceptance. It soothed but also ignited Cloud’s body. 

Even the way Zack’s heart was pounding and matching Cloud’s own made him know that everything would be alright. Cloud’s anxieties were chased and burned away by that exuberant warmth.

By the time Zack had released him, Cloud’s face was ablaze with a blush. The ever growing smile on Cloud’s features turned into a laugh as he saw the state of Zack’s face. 

Cloud had managed to transfer grease onto his hair, which in turn had transferred to Zack’s face. 

Zack seemed to be well aware of the situation, judging by his stupidly, adorkable, goofy grin. 

He playfully challenged Cloud with a, “Whatcha looking at?” 

“I think you’ve got a little something on your face.”

“What? Really?” Zack looked incredulous, feigning ignorance.

Cloud gave a breathy laugh, “Yeah, right there.” 

Cloud pointed at his own face to help Zack figure out where the smudge was.

“Right here?” Zack ran his finger across the grease stain. He wiped and spread it further across his sun kissed skin. 

The grin never left.

Cloud grabbed a cloth, which he always carried in his back pocket, and wiped Zack’s face clean. He was slow and methodical in his approach. He relished looking at Zack. He drank up and observed how the years had, just as he suspected, only made Zack more handsome.

His eyes still sparkled and shone with jubilance. That smile lit up Cloud’s entire world. His hair, longer now, had transformed Zack’s youthful spunky cheekiness into rugged, seductive maturity. 

There was a man Cloud could willingly trust with keeping him safe for his entire life. There was a man that Cloud would follow into the depths of hell, as long as it meant he could stay close to him. 

He could also probably spend hours just gazing at Zack without ever feeling hunger or thirst. Zack was energy and sustenance incarnate.

Cloud felt Zack’s arms wrap themselves low around his body, hugging Cloud’s hips gently towards himself. Cloud's stomach churned and a tight warmth welled in his chest.

“I’m so glad to have you back, Cloud,” whispered Zack as Cloud finally finished his tedious and slow cleanup. 

Cloud’s cheeks had gotten incredibly hot. The smile would not leave his face. He looked down at where their hips crushed against each other, and wiped his hands clean. Cloud took great pleasure in the way Zack’s fingers held and pressed their hips impossibly close to one another. 

Burning tingling sensations ran through Cloud and only intensified when he could feel a distinct hardness pushing against his hips.

Cloud never wanted anything to change or shift in their world.

Bliss electrified him. All worries were cast far from his mind. All there was and ever would be was happening right now. His future was right in front of him. 

He didn’t want this moment to end. He never wanted to be apart from Zack again.

He looked up into Zack’s ever and impossibly adoring bright blue eyes. He felt seen, loved and completely unjudged. Here was the man who knew Cloud’s body and mind, intimately. Here was the only person Cloud ever wanted to be known or seen by.

Cloud’s heart swelled with too much emotion.

Zack was pure energy and joy, and that was the thing Cloud could finally pinpoint as the missing part in his own life. Zack filled up the hollow parts of Cloud. It was that energy which made Cloud feel whole. And maybe Cloud could learn to be ok with that, especially if being with Zack kept eliciting such wonderful feelings inside himself.

“I’m home,” and Cloud felt it for the first time since he had left Radiant Gardens four years ago. Maybe even for the first time since his family had been ripped apart.

Cloud didn’t know how, but Zack’s eyes just filled with _even more_ adoration. Zack opened his mouth to say something but a loud shout drew both men’s attention towards the doorway.

“ _Zaaaaaaaack! Stop slacking off! We got stuff to unload!_ ”

The words shattered Cloud’s blissful world. He was pulled out of whatever lovesick hypnosis he had been plunged into. The soft cocoon he had been engulfed in dissipate and melt away.

“Did you leave Denzel to do all your dirty work for you?” accused Cloud, mildly relieved that the intimate moment broke.

The goofy smile returned to Zack’s face and he released Cloud. He sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

“Geez, Cloud. Stop sounding like my mom. How about you think about it from my perspective? I drove in and nearly had a heart attack when I saw your bike. I nearly drove the van into Mr. Hennessey's pottery shop in my excitement,” he said with a smile so bright that it scrunched up his nose. “I thought I was hallucinating. So I _had_ to drop everything and see you for myself! How could I not shirk my responsibilities? Tell me, Cloud. _How?! You’re back_!” 

Zack flung his arms around Cloud in a bear hug, lifting him off his feet briefly, and eliciting a giggle out of Cloud’s chest.

“ _Zack!_ ” came the sharp cry from Denzel once more.

“ _Ok, ok! I’m coming!_ ” shouted Zack back after having released Cloud, adding, “Geez, kids these days. Will you stay for dinner? I’ll make us something delicious.”

Cloud nodded contently. He watched Zack’s face light up once again. The man gave a fist pump and turned to leave but halted and turned around again.

“You’re _actually_ here.” An excited squeak left Zack’s throat and he wrapped Cloud up in another crushing hug. One arm was thrown around Cloud’s waist and the other up around his neck and well into his hair.

Cloud held on tight, knitting fingers into Zack’s shirt.

“Yeah,” Cloud breathed out.

“ _Zaaaaaaaack! Seriously, c’mon!”_

“I think you’re really wanted elsewhere,” muffled Cloud into Zack’s shoulder.

“Yeah, ok. You’re right.” Reluctantly Cloud was let go of. “I’ll see ya for dinner.”

Cloud gave Zack a warm smile and a reassuring nod. “I’ll be here.”

A smile as bright as the sun flashed. Zack looked like he was coming in for another hug so Cloud held out his hand to stop him. Laughing, he said “Zack, you really gotta go. I’ll be here, don’t worry.”

The cheesy grin, which Cloud loved, flashed before him and Zack rubbed at his head once more. “Ok, ok.”

He gave a small two fingered salute and dashed out of Cloud’s space, shouting, “ _Give a man a break, Denzel. Anyone’d think you’re the boss of me, instead of the other way around!_ ”

Cloud went back to his work, unable to wipe the smile from his face or the warmth from his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that Moomba burgers aren't actually made out of real Moomba's. Those precious critters need to be protected <3
> 
> And also please note that you can relive _all_ of your favourite Clack moments in [A Small Glimpse](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6463858/chapters/14794516) \- Chapters 4, 15, 16, 17, 18, 21, 22, 25, 29, and 31. :) Not to say there aren't bits in other chapters, but those are the more significant ones.
> 
> And... I drew [this](http://cream-pudding.deviantart.com/art/Sketch-04-619670161) months ago in preparation for this chapter XD With the mild inaccuracy that that Cloud would be way more covered up. Poor dumpling and his body image issues. *pats him*


	6. The Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud spends time with Denzel and Zack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Do you ever wonder ' _how the heck can I keep up to date with when this fic gets updated? I don't wanna keep checking every * insert obsessive compulsiveness here *_ ? '
> 
> Well there are a few answers. You can be kept up to date with when I post something by following me on [tumblr](https://creamypudding.tumblr.com/). I'm posting chapter announcements there. Or if you are an Ao3 registered user you can subscribe to this fic (hit the subscribe button up top) to get email notifications. Or go to my [profile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cream_pudding/profile) and subscribe to me there to get notifications whenever I post anything, across all my current, and future fics.
> 
> It's that simples! :)
> 
> But general rule of thumb -> Updates happen religiously once a week :)
> 
> So without further ado...

Cloud had returned to his work while happily listening to the hustle and bustle of Zack and Denzel moving around next door. A quiet peace settled in the pit of Cloud’s stomach. He could see his life and his future being like this. To have a normal life had always been the dream after all. He was getting dangerously close to attaining it. 

That unsettled him a little.

The remaining daylight hours passed and eventually Denzel showed up whilst Cloud was packing up for the day.

“Hey Cloud!” 

“Denzel!” Cloud was really happy to see him after all these years. He had grown into a pretty handsome young man, medium height and a wiry frame. The mop of unruly hair was still the same though.

There was a broad grin on Denzel’s face. “Zack sent me to tell you that dinner will be done in an hour. He told me to come and entertain you.”

Cloud shut up his shop and was lead into Zack’s warehouse through the shutter door both their adjoining spaces shared. 

It had been the main reason Cloud had desired this particular warehouse.

He had always looked at that shuttered door in the past. He had always wondered what lay beyond it. Now he had an answer. 

Denzel showed Cloud around the storeroom which he had made into his small workshop. One side of the room was piled up with furniture. An empty filing cabinet, the old sofa which Cloud and Zack had spent so many lunchtimes hanging out - and making out - on, a mattress, and an old desk as well. Small kitchen white goods and other bits and bobs were stuffed in boxes and resting on the available flat surfaces. 

Denzel pointed to the mess stating, “Zack’s been saving all that stuff for you, so you can take it if you want or need any of it.”

“Really?” Cloud asked incredulously. “He’s been holding on to all this stuff just for me?” 

Denzel nodded, and Cloud felt embarrassed about being so thoughtfully considered. But he brushed it aside. Maybe Zack had been too lazy to throw it out, and wanted to palm it off to someone else to deal with. Cloud chuckled quietly. He wouldn’t put it past the other man.

“You’d do me a favor by taking it all. Then I’d have more space in here,” smiled Denzel.

“I guess I’ve got to, then.” Cloud returned the affection which Denzel was showing him, in equal measure.

Cloud drew his attention away from the stuff, and scrutinized the remainder of the workspace. The tables in the back were covered with boxes. Everything was neatly labeled and ordered. Just how Cloud liked things to be. 

Denzel noticed Cloud’s intense inspection. 

“Zack always laughs at me for being too meticulous when it comes to ordering my things.”

“Does he purposely put things in the wrong boxes if you ever ask him to help you tidy up?”

“Yeah,” groaned Denzel.

Cloud chuckled and put a stray screw back in it’s appropriate container. “He used to do that to me all the time. Ask him to pack things where they belong and all of a sudden I’d find all the invoices neatly filed away between the Chocobo Crunch and Ton-very-berry cereal boxes.”

“Imagine _living_ with him. I find socks in the fridge sometimes. Like what are they doing in there?” lamented Denzel.

A fond laugh rolled through Cloud whilst he continued to look around himself. 

He had missed this place and it’s inhabitants

“I think he does it just to mess with us.”

“Oh, I know he does,” nodded Denzel solemnly. “But enough about him. Here, let me show you the stuff I’ve been working on! Zack’s pretty useless at helping me out. I’m glad you’re back now, Cloud.”

Cloud smiled softly at Denzel and followed him deeper into his work area.

There was a lot of pride in Denzel’s eyes as he showed Cloud all the things he had worked on recently. Denzel also showed Cloud what improvements he had made on the past robots and knick-knacks he had built. 

Cloud found the robot they had built together at the church, proudly displayed and kept on a shelf. Cloud picked it up carefully and smiled fondly at it.

“This still work?”

Denzel’s eyes lit up. “Yes!” and proceeded to show Cloud all the improvements he had made.

Cloud and Denzel then began tinkering away on it again, like they had done so many years ago. There were still a few snags which Denzel had never figured out how to get right, and Cloud was happy to try and help him figure it all out.

Time passed and it looked like the two of them could have spent their entire night down there, burning the midnight oil, engrossed in soldering and tweaking. 

But Zack eventually bounded into the room to get them to come up for dinner.

“ _Pass me the flathead._ ”

“ _Hold onto the frame for me._ ”

“ _Wow, how’d you get that to fit so neatly._ ”

“ _If you solder along this line you won’t get the circuits misfiring._ ”

A familiar tightness sprung up in Zack’s chest. Much like earlier that day, it made him forget how to breathe for a moment. Cloud had that effect on him. 

When Zack had pulled into his warehouse he thought he was genuinely hallucinating. That bike had been too familiar. The warehouse next to his, which no one occupied, had been open. An indescribable excitement had rushed at him and floored him. Which had been what caused him to floor the gas pedal and nearly got him to careen into Mr. Hennessey's very expensive pot, which the man had been trying to flog for the past year. 

Zack had managed to avoid a costly catastrophe though and had left Denzel to deal with getting the van moved into its proper place. He hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything other than charging towards where his sunshine was hiding.

His body had felt like it slammed into an invisible wall as he bounded up to the threshold of that warehouse. That’s where his breath had left him. The sight of Cloud bent over an old SUV, quietly tinkering away, had been more satisfying and satiating than anything Zack had partaken in over the last four years. He loved the tranquility he saw in Cloud’s body when he was completely engrossed in his work. He loved that Cloud looked like he had never been away. Like he was perfectly at home and content.

Cloud calmed him, somewhat. Whilst simultaneously also exciting him in very specific ways. He had managed to hold it together enough to hopefully come across as cool and collected when he greeted Cloud. He had used every ounce of self restraint he possessed when he had walked towards his gorgeous ray of demure joy. But he had also hoped to give Cloud a really good view. He hoped he could still make Cloud happy.

That’s all Zack ever wanted for the other man. To be happy. Because he had been through too much shit at too young of an age. 

Zack could have been content watching Cloud all day. No matter the task. As long a peaceful look rested on his face Zack's day would be pretty good, he thought. 

Zack pulled himself out of his reverie and breathed deep. It was surreal seeing Cloud here. He was actually back. 

Really, truly. 

It caused pure joy to stir in his chest and pulse through his entire body.

He didn't want to interrupt them… but he also knew that Denzel would be getting hungry. He needed to look after the people most precious to him. He took another deep breath, in preparation for what Cloud’s gaze would do to him. 

“Alright boys! Time to pack it up and come have a taste of my take on mom’s world renowned Gongagan style Jambalaya,” he boasted.

Heads raised and turned. 

Zack hadn’t been adequately prepared after all. The way Cloud looked at Zack was almost too much for him to handle. His stomach tightened. Pleasurable shivers electrified him. Zack could happily burst.

“You mean it’s just gonna be a cheap and not so great knock off, yeah?” teased Denzel.

Zack’s eyes tore themselves off Cloud and his face lit up in mock shock.

“Don’t be so cheeky just coz we’ve got a guest. You don’t usually complain about my cooking.”

“Oh I do. You’ve just grown deaf to it,” was Denzel's reprimand.

Zack stuck his tongue out at Denzel.“You can always starve. I won’t mind.”

Denzel feigned upset, and looked at Cloud tragically, “This is how he treats me _all the time_ ,” he whimpered.

“Hey, hey! No puppy dog eyes at Cloud. He can’t save you. You either eat my food or you learn to cook. You know the drill.”

“My talents are wasted on cooking, Zack.”

“You need to learn to keep yourself alive. Whatcha gonna do when poor Zack’s too old and dead to look after you, huh?”

Zack knew something inappropriate was about to fly out of Denzel’s mouth so he began moving forward, readying the punishment.

“More like what am I gonna do when poor Zack’s too busy with Cloud to look after me,” Denzel giggled. Zack came flying up and Denzel tried to duck out of the noogie which was about to get dished out.

“What’s that supposed to me?” Zack rubbed his knuckles hard against the brown mop caught in a headlock.

Denzel shrieked in delight and laughed, while Cloud chuckled softly.

“You know exactly what it means,” the teen burbled whilst attempting to bat Zack’s arms away.

“Eat this noogie sandwich, Denzel. How’s that taste? Better or worse than my cooking, huh?” Zack rubbed harder.

Denzel laughed louder. “Better,” he squeaked.

“Ooo, you brat!”

“Alright you two, how about you stop this now?” Cloud asked with much amusement and a big smile.

“But I think Denzel would like some dessert too, ain’t that right, buddy?”

Denzel smacked at Zack’s arms harder, shaking with laughter.

“C’mon, Zack. I’d like it if you kept Denzel in one piece.” Cloud grew a _little_ bit more serious.

“Yeah, why’s that?” Zack looked up at Cloud curiously, but didn’t abate the noggie-ing.

“I’d like him to work for me. You know that,” stated Cloud almost matter-of-factly.

Zack released the teen.

Denzel looked at Cloud in surprise while rubbing his head gently, and straightening his hair out, “Really?”

Cloud nodded with a small smile. “From what I’ve seen by just working with you for this half an hour I think we’d make a pretty good team. Zack hasn’t completely corrupted you yet. I think I need to save you from his terrible habits.”

“Hey! I’m right here, ya know?!”

Cloud shook with quiet laughter. 

Zack couldn’t be happier.

“You really mean it? You’ll teach me about engines and stuff?” Denzel had gone a bit wide eyed.

“Yeah. I’ll also teach you about modifications if you want.”

“Sweet! I’m completely in!”

“Just wait a minute. What about _my_ feelings? You can’t just come in here and snipe my staff. Geez, Cloud. You only just got here. You could at least wait a day. You’re so unkind,” cried Zack with feigned upset.

“You brought him here so he could work with me, so it’s not sniping,” stated Cloud. 

“What makes you think that?” grinned Zack.

Cloud knew him too well.

“We talked about it… long ago.” Cloud’s head lowered and a slight hint of color rose to those porcelain cheeks.

The joy inside of Zack swirled and washed over his own face. Zack would never forget that day. Just like how Cloud wouldn’t either.

Zack hummed pleasantly. “It’s been almost too long.” 

He moved towards Cloud, forgetting all about Denzel for a moment. He wanted to be with Cloud like they had been the last night they spent together. A hard thump ran through Zack’s body.

Cloud’s chest heaved so delicately. Zack wanted to run his hands under those clothes. He wanted to feel everything that Cloud was and would ever be. He stopped right in front of the other man, who was leaning against the table, and unable to look Zack in the eyes.

Those cheeks just wouldn’t stop reddening. Zack wanted to touch them.

“Er, guys. Keep it PG rated, please.”

Zack startled out of his intense feelings and thoughts, letting out a too loud for comfort laugh.

“You’re such a spoil sport, Denzel.”

Cloud seemed to breathe a sigh of relief however. Zack made a mental note. He probably needed to tone it down for a while. Slow and steady. Wait and see. That had always been the strategy when it came to being with Cloud.

But it would be so damned hard.

He scratched at the back of his head and stepped back, giving Cloud room.

“Well anyway, I guess you got me there, Cloud. Just don’t take Denzel away from me until I can bring Rupert up, ok? He’s keen to get out of the canyon, and I still really need help around this place.”

“Rupert’s gonna come and live with us?” the excitement which lit up Denzel’s face was frighteningly bright, causing a loud and hearty laugh to erupt from Zack.

“Yeah, but c’mon, we’ll talk about it all over dinner.”

* * *

 

Dinner had come and gone and Cloud was helping Zack tidy up after their meal.

They stood side by side, drying and packing away the dishes. Cloud listened to Zack humming to himself. 

Zack casually brushed up against Cloud every time the dishes passed from one to the other. The contact burned and seared Cloud in the most pleasant way imaginable. 

It was overwhelming. Cloud couldn’t help but steal glances at Zack just to assure himself he wasn’t actually dreaming. 

When the last of the cutlery had been stowed away Zack leaned against the kitchen counter and just _looked_ at Cloud, smiling.

“W-what?” he stammered, looking down and scratching behind his ear. Cloud’s heart began to race under the intense scrutiny. Much like it had when they were downstairs earlier that evening.

“This is pretty surreal, huh,” ventured Zack. “Or is that just me?” the smile only brightened.

“It’s not just you,” Cloud huffed out a breath of quiet amusement. “It’s so strange being back here. It kind of feels like nothing much has changed.”

“That’s good, right?”

“Mmm, good and bad, in different ways.”

“Well tell me about some of the good ways, then,” Zack moved in towards Cloud, and caressed his cheek. Something which Zack had seemed to be dying to do since before dinner.

The touch slowly coaxed Cloud’s head up. His heart raced, even without the added stimulation of that touch. 

Zack was too close.

“Well…” he labored, “It’s nice to see that you haven't changed…”

Zack’s chest rose and fell sharply. His dazzling smile brightened.

Cloud swallowed the lump in his throat. “Your place is still a mess.”

That beautiful smile, which made Cloud want to shy away because it showed too much love, vanished from Zack’s face. 

It was replaced in an instant by broad grin and pearly white teeth. A tremendous laugh followed.

“I’m really glad to have you back.”

“You’ve already said that once today,” Cloud said flatly. 

Despite the mood having shifted a little Cloud’s face still bloomed. He only grew hotter the more embarrassed he got.

“And it probably won’t be the last time you’ll hear it either,” grinned Zack, continuing to stroke Cloud’s face.

Cloud began feeling shy and nervous.

“H-hey Zack,” Cloud pulled away, “That furniture downstairs -.”

“Oh yeah! That’s all for you, if you want it.”

“Yeah, I actually do. I kinda need a desk and filing cabinet.”

Cloud breath came a little easier as the attention shifted away from himself.

“Alright! Nothing quite like a post dinner workout session!” enthused Zack, and lead the way out briskly.

As they neared the door Cloud’s eyes fell on a picture of them, hanging on the wall, next to Zack’s uncles’ buster sword. He stopped and looked at the frame in curiosity.

Cloud felt a casual arm sling around his shoulder and then Zack’s heat was pressed to Cloud’s side. That warm scent which perpetually clung to Zack engulfed Cloud. He found himself automatically leaning into the comforting warmth. 

This felt better. 

Not staring at each other so intently felt better. He could actually enjoy how good it felt to be in Zack’s presence when they stood like this.

“Aerith took a lot of photos of us. I can show you one day when we’re not so busy.”

“I’d like that.”

They remained rooted in place. 

Cloud ventured a glance at the other man only to find Zack’s gaze already directed towards himself. 

The hand on Cloud’s shoulder slightly twitched. It seemed like Zack was holding something back. It was written on his face, the way his mouth was slightly agape and the way his body shifted.

Cloud turned his head to look at Zack more directly, “What is it?”

Zack pulled away and gave him a sidelong glance, breathing in deeply.

“Ah, don’t worry about it. Let’s get the stuff moved first.”

* * *

 

The desk and filing cabinet stayed downstairs in a corner and everything else was moved upstairs. Cloud hadn’t actually been up there to inspect the space until this moment. 

The living area was completely bare. It was just a long windowless box, with a kitchen and bathroom at one end. Cloud marveled at, and was finally able to fully appreciate, how much effort Zack had apparently put into making his own shoe box look so personable and friendly.

Zack dropped his end of the mattress that they had lugged up the stairs and sighed in loud relief over having finished moving the last bit of furnishing.

“I can help you set up walls and things, if you want. I’m quite good at it,” he grinned as he watched Cloud’s eyes survey his surroundings.

“I might take you up on that offer.” 

Cloud pushed the mattress against the wall with his foot.

“You gonna stay here for the night, or go be with Roxas?”

Cloud couldn't miss the hope in Zack’s words.

His heart was racing, despite him not having engaged in any taxing activity. The mattress hadn’t been that heavy.

“I’ll go back to Roxas’ tonight,” Cloud asserted. Zack seemed to deflate somewhat, causing Cloud to add, “I want to move in here soon, though.”

He was rewarded with a strong smile.

“You put a lot of effort into setting everything up downstairs. Have you been in Radiant Gardens long?” 

Cloud’s stomach dropped abruptly and his heart just kept hammering. “Three weeks,” was his timid response. He only dared to give Zack the smallest of glimpses. He didn’t know how Zack would take that news. Cloud’s mind of course went to the worst case scenario.

He saw eyebrows arch in surprise but otherwise Zack’s good natured expression didn’t change.

“Well that explains why you’ve managed to get yourself settled in so well. Good for you, Cloud!” Zack moved closer and clapped Cloud on the shoulder in support.

“You’re not - mad?”

“Why would I be? You’re here now. I know you need your time and space to get comfortable. I wouldn’t be in this with you if I couldn’t handle waiting for you,” winked Zack.

Cloud’s heart fluttered and his stomach tingled at the unspoken but meaningful word that hung between them, defining what they had, and were. He couldn’t bring himself to think it or even say it just yet, but he knew exactly what Zack meant.

Cloud pulled himself out of those pleasant thoughts. 

“I made you wait so long though,” he berated himself.

Zack’s hand was still on Cloud’s shoulder and he began rubbing him in reassurance. 

“And I made you wait for me, so we’re even.”

Cloud looked up at Zack in discontentment. “You’re lousy at maths, Zack. I took _years_. How’s that ever equate to me having to wait a week for you?” Guilt skidded the outskirts of his soul.

“Was it years? No way. It’s only been like four days, tops,” brushed Zack off lightly with a wave of his hand.

Cloud wasn’t impressed by Zack’s dismissal of how rotten Cloud had been.

“Zack -,” began Cloud.

“Fine - you’re right. I _am_ terrible at counting. So I wasn’t counting at all. And even if I had been it wouldn’t matter. You’ve always been worth the wait. So don’t sweat it.”

Cloud huffed, embarrassed. Zack apparently wasn’t going to let Cloud win this one. He dropped it, hoping to deflect from Zack’s too affectionate words, “Why did you take a week to get back, anyway? Is everything ok at the church?”

Zack seemed pleased at the change of focus. “Yeah, Aerith and the kids are all fine. After I had that conversation with you about your parents I kind of felt bad that I hadn’t seen mine in so long,” started Zack, thoughtfully.

“So I’ve been going down to Gongaga once in a while to say _‘Hello’ to my folks,_ and to gorge on mom’s delicious cooking,” Zack chuckled and rubbed his belly. “Denzel’s right. My Jambalaya in no way compares to mom’s. You should come down with me some time so you can taste it!”

“Besides that she cooks so many other great things, Cloud. Beef stew, vegetable medleys with all the locally grown produce. Her fettuccine bake will have you on the floor in a food coma. And the desserts! Wait till you have her milk pudding!”

Cloud tuned out a bit and focused on his growing discomfort. He couldn’t understand how he had possibly been helpful to Zack. He really didn’t get what Zack even saw in him.

When Zack seemed to have run out of either dishes to list or breath, Cloud butted in.

“Talking to me helped you figure that out?” 

“Of course. I know you and Roxas would give almost anything to have your mom around. It makes me a little sad to think about, so I decided to stop putting things off and thinking that there’ll always be a tomorrow. Coz one day there won’t be. I’m really lucky to still have both my folks around. I should be more grateful and make the most out of my time left with them.” Zack nodded solemnly. “I mean, all the kids at the church don’t have parents. So I don’t really know why it took me so long to figure that one out. But… I guess talking to you helps,” he winked encouragingly.

Cloud’s eyes widened slightly.

Zack chuckled softly and looked at Cloud with adoration as their gaze met.

“You help me a lot, in many different ways. So don’t look so surprised. You remind me of the way mom looked when I showed up. She could have almost dropped dead from the shock. I told her all about you, and that she’s got you to thank - or curse - for my more frequent visits.”

That familiar calloused hand cupped Cloud’s chin and gently thumbed circles over his cheek. Cloud tilted his head into the touch. The longer he spent with Zack the more comfortable he began feeling. Memories of those fingers running all over his body excited him. Always gentle, always warm and thoughtful. 

He loved Zack’s hands.

But the familiar heat of embarrassment swelled in Cloud’s body and face.

“She said you’re more than welcome to come around whenever you want. She said she’ll cook you her best batch of pumpkin pie. She never makes that except for super special occasions. She didn’t even bake it when I showed up after all these years.” Zack pouted a little before his smile returned, “That’s how special _you_ are.”

Zack tilted Cloud’s head upward a little, and leaned in, attempting to place a kiss on Cloud’s lips. It was only a natural response to the intimacy they had shared in the past, and the one they seemed to be sharing right now. But something welled in his chest and seized Cloud. 

He pulled his face out of Zack’s loving touch, with some regret, and stepped backwards as perfectly kissable lips loomed large.

Panic, unworthiness, guilt. Whatever flowery language he might chose to embellish it with could never negate from how heavy it sat inside himself. He caught the confusion in Zack’s eyes, only causing the guilt fueled pounding in his chest to intensify.

He stammered out, “I-Isn’t it a bit early for me to meet your folks? We haven’t even been on a single date.” Cloud tried his best to make light of the situation.

Zack still seemed uncertain as he carefully considered Cloud’s words. “That’s - true. By now I would have figured we’re kind of beyond the dating scene though.”

Heat swelled inside of Cloud. Zack was right. They were so beyond dating but Cloud found it hard to pick back up from where they had left off four years ago. He was only _just_ getting comfortable with Zack standing close to him. The kissing might take a bit longer.

“It might be nice… to try? Plus - I kind of need to make up for Roxas’ terrible gift, remember?”

At that Zack’s energy returned and he laughed. “Yeah, you kind of do, don’t you!”

“But - you don’t really have to, if you don’t want to. No pressure,” was the almost too hasty follow-up. 

“Roxas’ gift wasn’t all _that_ terrible after all.”

A slight frown knitted Cloud’s brows. 

_Of course_ he wanted to. 

Cloud straightened, breathed in deep, and squared up to look Zack in the face.

“Zack Fair, will you go out on a date with me?”

The smile that spread was as gorgeous as a new flower uncurling itself and tilting to kiss the sun. Zack seemed so vibrant in Cloud’s gray world.

“I humbly accept, Cloud Strife.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If _anyone_ out there hasn't read it and is interested in knowing what Cloud is getting all flustered about when they are speaking about Denzel coming to work with Cloud you can read about it [here. ASG - Chpt 25](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6463858/chapters/14798872) ;) ;) ;)
> 
> And the [photograph](http://cream-pudding.deviantart.com/art/TCT-Ch-6-Photograph-On-Wall-627053802), as also seen in [The Clock Tower - Chapter 6](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763/chapters/17644447).


	7. The First Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud takes Zack out on the long promised date and they sort things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is one of my favourite chapters of the entire series ❤ Maybe that's why it's one of the longest, lol!

The date didn’t actually happen for a few weeks. 

Cloud became inundated with work, and he had strong suspicions that it had to be Zack’s doing. 

Zack seemed to be able to almost talk anyone into anything with his enthusiasm and charisma. He had more than likely used it on some of his clients, acquaintances, and friends.

Cloud only grew a little bit irritated at how helpful Zack was being. 

Zack wandered over one lunchtime, smiling in satisfaction at how full Cloud's workspace was.

“Hey Cloud, how's work treating ya?”

“I think you did a wonderful job but can you please stop now?”

Zack had sat himself down on top of Cloud's desk. It seemed to be one of his favorite lounging spots.

“Whadda ya mean?”

Cloud sighed a little. “For someone who’s so thoughtful and surprisingly insightful sometimes, you sure are kinda dumb, Zack.”

“What? Did I just hear you give me a compliment?” Zack beamed.

Cloud rolled his eyes.

“Sorry, I’ll behave and listen. What’s up, Cloud?”

“I know you mean well but this is _my_ businesses. I want to grow it. I want people to give me work because they trust _my_ workmanship and skill, not because you told them to. I want to prove to myself that I can do this on my own. If I needed your help I hope you know I would ask you for it,” was the terse response.

Zack's eyes widened. He suddenly slapped his head and began apologizing profusely.

“Shit, my bad, Cloud. I thought it would make you happy. I wasn’t thinking. I _am_ kinda dumb, aren’t I.”

Zack jumped up, slapped his hands together in front of himself and bowed his head real low. “ _Urgh_! Please forgive me! Of course you’d want to grow your own business. I think I would have been pissed if anyone did that to me.” 

Zack begging for forgiveness was too adorable to stay angry at. 

“Just see that it doesn’t happen again,” Cloud muttered, not wanting to let Zack off the hook too easy.

Zack raised his head, revealing a devilish grin and proceeded to tackle Cloud, drawing him into a tremendous hug. “Thank you, thank you, _thank you_!”

Cloud’s stern expression melted against the affectionate nuzzles.

“I’ll always remember today, Cloud.”

“Why’s that?” he got out between soft laughs.

“You admitted that I’ve got brains,” laughed Zack.

Days passed in this manner.

Zack seemed to have a really hard time keeping his hands off Cloud. He would always draw Cloud towards himself, where Cloud more than happily nestled most of the time. Zack’s strong arms and firm heartbeat could almost melt Cloud. _Almost_. But he was hounded too much by uncomfortable feelings. He never allowed himself to be swallowed up by Zack’s passion, always pulling away when Zack became _too_ affectionate.

His favorite excuse was that he was busy. He would wander back to his vehicles, computer, or his storeroom, where he then proceeded to berate himself for the remainder of the afternoon.

Cloud wanted to be happy, really and truly. He didn’t want to keep Zack at arms length. He wanted to give himself over to Zack like he had done so long ago.

Cloud at least no longer held any reservations or doubts in his mind regarding the man’s love and affections he harbored towards Cloud. So that definitely wasn’t the reason for the wall Cloud had trapped himself behind.

But why couldn’t he do it? Why couldn’t he let himself be kissed and caressed? Why couldn’t he accept the almost embarrassing amount of invitations to stay the night in Zack’s bed?

Cloud wanted loneliness and his self appointed prison to leave him alone. He wanted to be free of it. He truly wanted to be happy, but he felt like it wasn’t up to himself. He was still being wracked by guilt. He still hadn’t faced his past. 

It was so typical. Cloud had known that this would happen; that he would react in such a way by pulling back from the things he desired. It was almost a self fulfilling prophecy. He had feared that Sephiroth would come between himself and his happiness and his future. And now it was, because Cloud was letting it.

Cloud went to the hospital several times a week. It was on the way to and from work. But he’d always stay outside, looking in, debating with himself. Trying to muster up the courage he needed but lacked. He didn’t know how he would react to seeing Sephiroth again. But he felt it was safe to say that it most likely wouldn't be good. The thought of going back in there always caused his hands to tremble, and his entire body would tense and clench in on itself.

He would also think about his time in Wutai, and the time he had spent watching all those news reports. Memories of that time whipped him with guilt. It almost made him walk into the hospital and fill out those forms some days.

He needed to apologize - he needed to get angry and eke out revenge - he needed to cry - he needed to yell and scream and beg the man to accept him again.

All those things, and none of them. He didn’t know what he wanted or needed from Sephiroth. Uncertainty was the only thing he was ever sure of.

But he knew that he needed and wanted Zack. He needed to explain to Zack why they hadn’t gone back to how things had been before Cloud had ever left. Not that Cloud really knew the answer. But he hoped he would figure it out on their date.

So Cloud got dressed up nicely one evening. He had bought himself an off-white dress shirt, with sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and wore it over a similarly colored tank top. He bought some dark wash tight fitting jeans, and also bought himself some leather shoes. 

Cloud had tried his best to comb his hair down, though that had been to no avail.

Roxas had applauded Cloud at cleaning up so nicely.

“I never thought you had it in you, Cloud. I never thought you could look like anything other than someone who really enjoys sleeping and riding on his motorbike.”

“I told you, didn’t I? I’m full of surprises,” said Cloud, as if it was the most factual thing in the world.

Roxas laughed.

“Good on ya, Cloud! I hope you have a fantastic night out with your man. Where are you guys going anyway?”

Cloud looked clueless and shrugged. “I’ll figure something out.”

Roxas groaned. “Cloud! This is your _big date_! How can you be so blasé about it?”

“It’s not like I need to wow him and leave a good impression. He’s seen me at my worst.”

Roxas rolled his eyes. “That is exactly _why_ you need to try hard. You want Zack to have a horrible image of you in his head of you crying and being angry all the time?”

Cloud glared.

“Yeah, that look is what I’m talking about. You want him to only ever remember you looking like that? No! Of course not. That’s why it’s important to leave him with memories of you being at your best. You gotta make this date be one of the best he’s ever been on.”

“You make it sound like I’ll never see Zack again after tonight.”

“No, that’s not… Just… when you guys aren’t together and Zack fantasizes about you… you want him to have a good memory of you. You want his heart to swell with longing so he’ll never want to be apart from you.”

“You are sickening sometimes, Roxas.”

Roxas grinned wildly, shaking with repressed laughter.

“Zack is happy with how I am. He doesn't want me to change.” It was _almost_ boastful.

“You could at least put a little effort into this evening.”

“I have,” insisted Cloud. He swept his hand down his body to illustrate.

“Well a _little_ more. Make it fun for Zack. Make sure you both have a _really_ good time.”

Cloud sighed and rubbed at his face. “If this is so important to you why don’t _you_ go on a date with Zack?”

Roxas laughed. Possibly a fraction _too_ hard.

“Don’t be stupid. Axel would never let me hear the end of it. No. You just go out and have a good time. Be really romantic and mushy and leave him wanting more.”

Cloud cocked an eyebrow and threw his riding jacket on. “That seems like a tall order, Rox. You’re the romantic one out of the two of us, remember?”

“Yeah, but I still believe in you. You can pull this off. You can wow and dazzle Zack if you set your mind to it.”

Cloud groaned. “You’re stressing me out. I _will_ blow it if you keep this up.”

“No, no! Relax. Don’t think about it. Maybe... forget I said anything. But… just try your best, Cloud. Bring him flowers. Take him somewhere really romantic. Somewhere you guys can get all handsy in public without people looking at you.”

“That seems like an oxymoron.”

“You’re an oxymoron. Dinner and a movie, Cloud. Sitting in the dark, where everyone minds their own business. Go and try that.”

Cloud rolled his eyes. “What if I don’t want him to get all handsy with me?”

Roxas stared at Cloud in disbelief before shoving his brother out the door.

“Whatever, Cloud. I’m just your baby brother. You’ll figure it out. Have a great night. I won’t be expecting you back until daybreak.” Roxas clicked his tongue and gave a wink before slamming the door shut.

Cloud could hear his brother laughing on the other side.

There was no need to hide it any further, so Cloud let the smile and small chuckle out as he headed towards Fenrir.

* * *

 

He had heeded Roxas’ advice... somewhat.

He wanted to leave a good impression with Zack. After all the difficult events of the past it was time to build new, positive memories with the man whom Cloud loved.

Cloud went out and bought some lilacs, because he always thought purple was Zack’s color. Cloud didn’t consider himself a romantic - far from it. But this was their first date so he should probably try and pull off all the cliches. 

A part of him hoped if he could squeeze all the cliches into one night he might never have to do this again. So Cloud rocked up at Zack’s warehouse unannounced in the evening, to get that surprise date cliche out of the way as well.

Wide eyes, a hungry look, and a smile that touched every part of Zack's face greeted Cloud at the front door of Zack’s warehouse.

Cloud felt ridiculous, standing there, flowers behind his back. 

“Tonight's the night?” Zack as he trailed his eyes up and down Cloud’s body, enjoying the view.

“Tonight's the night”, affirmed Cloud, and pulled the bouquet out from behind his back.

Cloud changed his mind. It _had_ been worth the embarrassment of being so lame. Seeing Zack's complexion become dusted with heat was gratifying. 

“Wow, really? Flowers? For me?” Zack took them and actually lifted them to his face for a good sniff.

“Yeah,” Cloud nodded and laughed a little. Zack was being way too dorky right now.

“Hey, hey! Don’t laugh at your date,” chided Zack, still wearing an enormous smile.

Zack’s free hand grabbed at Cloud’s.

“It’s affectionate laughter,” justified Cloud, giving the warm, rough hand a gentle squeeze.

“Well alright then. I can live with that.”

Zack sniffed the flowers one more time, eyes transfixed on Cloud. Probably to see what reaction he could get out of him.

Cloud made a really difficult attempt at keeping the smile off his face and the laughter out of his chest.

Zack’s smile turned into a broad grin. “Alright! You pass the test. I already feel like tonight’s gonna be really special, if you went to this kind of effort for me.”

“Well don’t get your hopes up too high. This could be the best bit of tonight.” Cloud frowned at his own negativity.

Zack laughed. Vibrant and warm. “I highly doubt that, but c’mon in. I need to get changed. We going anywhere fancy?” Zack continued to eye Cloud hungrily as he lead the way inside and up the stairs.

“Oh it’s all a big secret,” Cloud spoke with a quiet smile.

“See, you can already throw your worries away. The night _just_ got better. I _love_ surprises.”

“Even the surprise that Denzel left you in your desk drawer?” chuckled Cloud.

“Oh fine, let me reword that statement. I love _Cloud_ related surprises.” With that Zack rounded on Cloud. They had reached the top of the landing.

“Like for instance… I didn’t realize that you could look even more sexy with clothes on than you do with them all off.” Zack smiled cheekily.

Cloud’s heart rose to his throat, rendering him speechless.

Zack continued to smile as Cloud felt his neck and cheeks grow hot. 

His face inched ever closer to Cloud’s. Casual lightheartedness left Zack's voice. Low, rumbling seduction followed instead. “You look really good, Cloud. I just want to eat you up.” 

Zack bit and licked his lips.

Wanting desire flittered through Cloud’s body. He breathed in deep.

Zack leaned in against Cloud’s ear. “Mmm, you smell so good too. You sure we have to go out? We could just stay in. There’s no need for a date.”

Cloud was positively boiling under Zack’s attention and seductive words. “I need to do this,” he croaked. “I promised. To you, and to me.”

He swallowed down his heart, forcing it to go back where it belonged.

Zack stepped away, still expressing his desires in the way he nibbled at his own lip, and in the way his eyes continued to trail. 

Yet he pulled himself out of it with a quivering exhale.

“Alright. Just thought it was worth a shot asking.” Zack trailed his free hand down Cloud’s arm and took his hand again, leading Cloud into his flat.

Zack put the flowers in a jug, as he wasn’t a vase kind of guy. He then disappeared for a few moments to get changed out of his ragged but always comfortable looking clothes.

Cloud had never actually seen Zack scrub up and put effort into the way he looked. Zack seemed to just always look good, no matter how casual he was. Cloud supposed it was Zack’s personality that just elevated his already handsome features into something exceptional. So he couldn’t imagine there ever being an improvement, irrespective of what Zack would walk out in. 

Cloud was pulled out of his wonderment by Denzel greeting him with a, “You’re looking really nice today, Cloud.”

“Thanks,” he muffled in response.

“You guys finally going on a date?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank goodness. Maybe he’ll finally shut up about it now,” Denzel let fly in exasperation as he walked past Cloud and into the kitchen.

“He’s been talking about it?”

“All the damn time,” responded Denzel while he was raiding the fridge.

The soft click of a door opening pulled Cloud’s attention away from the starving teen.

Cloud felt like all the air squeezed out of his body.

Zack strutted out in firm fitting pants. He wore a lilac colored silken shirt like the flowers that Cloud had gotten him, and a matching yet casual tie. 

The way everything clung to the right spots, and hung suggestively from others was divine.

Zack chuckled low in his throat at Cloud’s gaping mouth. 

“Mmm, now you know how I felt at seeing you, Cloud,” he winked as he moved to stand alongside his date.

“Don’t we both just make the cutest couple?” Zack spoke to Denzel as he slung a casual arm around Cloud’s shoulder.

Denzel whipped out his phone and took a snap of them, “Yup, sickeningly cute. Don’t stay out too late. And don’t let Zack drink too much, Cloud. He gets all broody if you do.”

Denzel waved them off and flopped on the sofa with a pile of snacks, settling in for the night with some video games.

“Yes, mom!” saluted Zack and grabbed his riding jacket as he lead the way out.

Zack stopped atop the landing again, closing the door tightly shut behind them.

It was now Cloud’s turn to hungrily eye Zack off. When his eyes met Zack’s his stomach erupted with desire.

“We can still change our minds,” Zack breathed out.

Cloud looked away, feeling the heat rise to his cheeks. “I’m getting the feeling you don’t _actually_ want to go on a date with me. Why would you turn down the offer of free food?”

Zack laughed. “You have a point there. Free food is good food. But I’ve kinda got a certain appetite that food just won’t cure.”

A sharp throb fired down into Cloud’s groin.

Cloud changed the subject and began heading down the stairs. “You actually have a _broody_ mode?”

Zack laughed heartily, and bounded down after Cloud two steps at a time. “Denzel makes it sound worse than it was. But that’s all behind me now, so don’t skimp on the alcohol when you’re treating me!”

They walked outside towards where their motorbikes were parked. 

Zack had bought one a few years ago, explaining that he had so much fun riding Cloud’s and lamenting the loss of his own bike that he had to just get himself a new one.

“What actually happened to your old bike?” Cloud had never gotten the story straight.

Zack strapped on his old helmet and huffed with amusement. “It feels like you never listen to me. I’ve told you this before. Axel torched it, remember?”

It only rang a vague bell.

“Why’d he do that?”

Zack just shook his head in disbelief.

“Coz I didn’t want to date him.”

Cloud scoffed in disbelief. 

“What’s the reason for me letting that deranged nutcase near my little brother again?” 

Cloud still didn’t like Axel and was just glad that he never saw him around much.

“I think it’s because they love each other,” Zack shrugged, trying to be helpful.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get what Roxas sees in that freak,” huffed Cloud, fiddling with his helmet before strapping it on.

“Well personally I don’t see it either, which is why I didn’t have a bike for such a long time,” was Zack’s bemused answer.

Cloud hummed in amusement but the sound died in his throat.

The sight of Zack sitting opposite of him, straddling his own motorbike, drowned out all other thoughts. Zack looked like he had been born to sit atop that machine. His sharp lines just fit so snug against the curved and metallic body. 

Cloud’s stomach churned away with desire. He wanted to be pressed against Zack in the same way his bike was.

Zack seemed to know Cloud’s thoughts, if that sly smirk was anything to go by.

“We can _always_ go back inside. Heck, everyone's gone, we don’t _even_ have to go inside,” suggested Zack in a low rumble.

“Zack!” laughed Cloud in embarrassment.

“Alright, alright,” said Zack gently as he gunned his engine to life.

“Let’s go on this date. I’m sure it’ll be incredible. Just take the lead, Cloud. I’ll be right behind you, checkin’ out your sweet arse,” he winked.

Cloud lowered his visor in embarrassment and sped off.

* * *

 

Cloud had taken them to the cinemas. He would have done this regardless of what Roxas had suggested. Cloud wasn’t completely clueless around dates, after all.

They had gone in to watch some slasher movie which neither of them really cared for. It had been heavenly sitting in the dark though. Zack’s hand grazed along Cloud’s arm and entwined with his fingers. 

They spent the whole two hours whispering in each other's ears, sharing their own running commentary about the movie and how ridiculous it was.

_“I bet you the chick is gonna die first.”_

_“Noooo! Never eat the red berries that you find growing in the ominous forest!”_

_“Only twenty minutes in and the main character's already got his shirt off. How long you think till the pants come off too?”_

_“Why are their fruit bowls everywhere?”_

_“That’s somebody totally in that attic.”_

_“What a way to use a cue ball.”_

_“Why do they always run upstairs? All the knives are in the kitchen, downstairs!”_

_“Wonder how practical running in heels really is.”_

_“You think they used a real turkey or is that just a prop?”_

_“Are you getting hungry, Zack? Is that why you’re fixating on everything even remotely edible in this movie?”_

Both laughed so much that anyone would have thought they were watching a comedy.

The movie had left them both in an exceptionally cheerful mood. Their fingers were still entwined as they headed down the boulevard towards a mystery restaurant. Cloud had refused to divulge the name to Zack, wanting it to be an awful surprise. 

Walking hand in hand with Zack was amazing. They bumped shoulders and spoke about inane things. 

Cloud was in a state of bliss.

They eventually came to and stopped outside of _Bruno’s,_ which elicited the exact response from Zack that Cloud was hoping for; a hearty laugh.

They sat at the relatively quiet end of the restaurant, away from the sports bar and were left to gaze at each other from across the table. Zack couldn’t stop grinning and Cloud couldn’t stop the flutters. 

He spent a long time looking at the menu because it was more comfortable than to look Zack in the face. But once their meals were ordered there was no safety net left for Cloud.

“You’re going to wear out that smile if you keep holding it like that,” he said to Zack, while his own, more shy and subtle one, traced his lips.

“I haven’t had a need to use it for so long that I think I’ve got plenty of life left in it. But - is it weird? Have I gotten out of practice?” Zack rubbed and stretched his cheeks in a ridiculous fashion, causing Cloud to shake with repressed laughter.

Cloud shook his head. “It’s beautiful - you’re beautiful _.”_

It had come out of nowhere and Cloud’s eyes widened. His cheeks prickled with embarrassment at having said those word out loud.

“And there you were calling _me_ a sap, Mr. Movies-and-a-Dinner-and-Spouting-Romantic-Things,” Zack teased. 

His breathy laugh rolled through Cloud and a hand reached across the table to clasp one of Cloud’s own.

“I guess you’re rubbing off on me?” tried Cloud.

“My fault is it?”

Cloud nodded his head, and fixed his eyes on their hands. He returned the affectionate squeeze he felt Zack give.

Over dinner Cloud listened to Zack talking about all manner of things. He felt enraptured, not just by what Zack spoke about but also by how he looked. Cloud drank everything up, like he had been stranded out in the ocean without a drop to drink, because that’s what it had actually been like. Being with Zack again made him feel like he was nurturing his soul.

But by the time they were digging into their main meals Cloud’s deeper thoughts and worries were beginning to surface. They began to intrude on his lovely evening out with Zack. 

Feeling so good caused waves of uncertainty and guilt to lap at the shores of his mind. He felt like such a hypocrite. He knew Irvine had forgiven him, but Cloud was doing everything with Zack that Irvine would have loved to do with him. Cloud wished he’d had more room in his heart for the other man. But Cloud’s heart felt too crowded with three people already occupying the space. He wished it were only two. He really desperately wished for that.

Or at least that’s what he thought right now. Some days the idea of visiting Sephiroth seemed more enticing than on others. He thought seeing the caged man would put the uncomfortable feelings he had in Wutai to bed. But he simultaneously also feared - and sickeningly enough - _hoped_ \- that it wouldn’t. There was something tantalizing about keeping Sephiroth in his life.

That’s what really got him buzzing with anxiety. That’s what caused him to lose himself the most when he should be spending his time and energy listening to the beautiful man in front of himself, instead of wasting his time hashing over ‘ _what if_ ’ scenarios in his head.

The longer Cloud idled in regards to making a decision the worse he felt. Everything that Cloud had been through had taught him that doing nothing would keep him from ever moving forward. It’s the one option he didn’t have available. It was the one option he couldn’t allow himself to take. It was the one which was the most likely to happen.

Cloud frowned.

“Hey Cloud, whatcha thinking about?”

Cloud looked up from his plate with a bewildered look on his face and a dazed ‘ _huh’_ out of his mouth.

“I lost you there for a while, buddy. Is everything alright?”

Cloud noticed that Zack’s hand had returned to settle on his own once more, stroking knuckles.

“Yeah.”

But Zack only cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. 

“You want to mosey on outta here? I’ve got it on pretty good authority that the desserts are lousy anyway.”

Cloud agreed to that. He paid their bill, as it was his treat, and they walked out, with Zack searching out Cloud’s hand. Their fingers laced together, and Cloud squeezed and held on tight to Zack.

They wandered the streets for a while, until they found an ice cream truck.

“You want one?” offered Zack.

“Yeah, but it’s still my treat, so let me get it. What flavor you want?”

Zack shrugged his shoulders and stretched his arms behind his head casually.

“I’ll have whatever you’re having. You _are_ gonna have one, yeah? I don’t want to look like a pig,” he laughed. “Mom always tells me I eat too much. She once told me she was glad I left, or I would have eaten her and dad out of house and home. Can you imagine that?”

Cloud had laughed at that. “I can, actually.”

Zack’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped, letting out an offended gasp.

Cloud’s eyes scrunched up in joy. “But don’t worry. I’ll protect your dignity. Your piggish secret is safe with me.”

Zack ran his hand through blonde tufts affectionately, gracing Cloud with a bright, and all too close for comfort smile, followed by a “Thanks.”

Cloud side stepped out from Zack’s love bubble and made his way to get them some dessert.

Zack seemed to have taken to just giving good-natured chuckles at Cloud's excuses and getaways of late. It weighed on Cloud's soul.

He got a plain soft serve with chocolate coating and brought it back to Zack, handing it to him. Zack took it with a scowl.

“Where's yours?”

“I thought we could share.” It was Cloud's way of hopefully apologizing to Zack for the distance between them. If they couldn’t kiss they could at least share a tasty treat.

The way Zack's face brightened with a gorgeous smile at Cloud’s idea kept the pounding in Cloud's chest from ever simmering down.

They passed the creamy and sweet dessert between themselves, continuing to wander the streets, but ultimately heading back in the general direction of where they had parked their motorbikes.

Cloud loved every second he spent with Zack like this. He wanted to make the most of it. To savor it. Before the swirling thoughts of dinner time grew too heavy. 

So he drank up Zack’s presence and idle chatter. The awkwardness he had felt when he first shown up to Zack’s warehouse that evening had been forgotten. Cloud even admitted to himself that he might like to do this more often. 

Their dessert had been long consumed and fingers had entwined once more by the time the men had returned to their motorbikes.

“So what did you think of our first date?” asked Zack.

Cloud frowned and let go of Zack’s hand. “I took you out on this date, so shouldn’t that be my question to _you_? After all, you’re the one who didn’t seem to want to do anything but stay inside.”

Zack grinned in response. “Well, you know. I have a pretty one track mind,” he winked at Cloud, causing a slight blush to dust the apples of his cheeks.

“But thank you for keeping us on track. This was _so_ much better than just a phone call. I had an _amazing_ time. But I always have a good time with you, so that’s why I wanna know how you’ve been doing with all of this.”

“I - You know, Roxas actually had no faith in me to be able to pull off a good date.”

Zack laughed. “Really? Why’d he think that?”

“Because he knows me,” sighed Cloud in defeat.

“Well I had an awesome time with you, Cloud.”

“I… want to build new memories with you, Zack. I want you to remember me and think of me as happy. I don’t want you to think I’m miserable all the time.”

“I know you’re not miserable all the time. … Were you miserable on our date?”

“No! Definitely not. I - actually had a really good time, too. I,” Cloud sighed again. “If I’m honest with you I thought I would actually hate it. I guess I forgot how much better things feel when I’m with you,” Cloud exhaled with some effort and just kept his head down.

Cloud felt Zack’s hand gently caress the tips of his spikes.

“I’m glad I could remind you,” Zack murmured softly.

Cloud’s heart squeezed tight.

“Zack.”

“Yeah?”

“I’d really like to do this again with you. I think I’d like to do this a _lot_ more with you actually.”

Cloud ventured a glance at Zack. He found a loving and open smile.

“I can totally live with that. We can take turns deciding on where to go in the future. There’s so much stuff I want to show you.”

Zack grabbed at Cloud’s lonely looking hands, captured them and pulled Cloud towards his chest for an embrace.

Hands were released again and Zack's arms wrapped tight around Cloud’s sides and back. Cloud leaned heavily against Zack, clutching at the soft shirt and inhaled deeply. He listening to the far from placid beating of Zack’s heart. It mirrored Cloud’s own, and sunk the smile which ghosted, as well as knitted his brows together deeply.

His mood was still soured ever so slightly by his earlier dinner ruminations. He was still upset with himself for not being able to let Zack touch and kiss him like Cloud knew Zack really wanted to.

“The dates over - we can talk about serious stuff now, if you want. I know your head’s been off since dinner.” Zack let go and stepped away a little from Cloud so he could look into the worry etched face. 

He tilted his head to the side and waited for Cloud to find it within himself to come clean.

The somber tone made Cloud’s head drift up. He saw the concern in Zack’s eyes and in the way he stood; hands on hips, leaning slightly towards him in anticipation.

“A dates not over until the goodnight kiss,” muttered Cloud ruefully.

“So this is gonna be the world’s longest date then, huh?” teased Zack affectionately.

It bit into Cloud a little, even though he knew there was no malice in Zack’s words. Cloud breathed in deeply, and fixed eyes to the ground.

“I’m sorry that things are _weird_ between us,” began Cloud, fighting against the hollowness within himself.

“Weird?”

“Not the same as before I left. We promised that we’d pick right back up from where we left off. I want to - but - just can’t.”

“Ah geez, Cloud. I’m sorry. I think that’s my fault. It was a stupid and naive dream. I just wanted to give you confidence that you’d always have a place to come back to if you wanted to.” Zack clapped a comforting hand on Cloud's shoulder.

“I don’t think we’re meant to just instantly fall back into how things were between us. I mean, I’d really love for us to. I really want to kiss you if you haven’t realized that. Sometimes I’ve been accused of being too subtle,” he winked.

Cloud shook a little with laughter at the serious tone in Zack’s voice and the ridiculous notion of subtlety and Zack ever going hand in hand. 

Zack threw out a cheeky grin and seriousness was replaced by a pleasant lilt and cheerful inflection. “Hey, I see you laughing there, cut that out. You’re gonna hurt my _one_ feeling.” 

But Zack simmering down again and spoke with gentle care, “We’ve both probably changed, and that’s ok. Being how we once were with each other takes time. Heck - we might never get that back, for all I know.”

Cloud abruptly looked up at Zack, eyes wide with shock at what he was hearing.

“I don’t want to put any pressure on you. So just know that having you back is good enough. I’ve got my best friend back. We can hang out, and I can see you whenever, and be there for you when you need me. That makes me really happy. Just say the word and I’ll back right off from all the touching and… asking you to stay the night. I swear. You just need to say the word.”

“So you’d be happy if we never kissed or -,” Cloud trailed off.

“I don’t think _happy_ is the right word. Of course it would bother me but I’d get over it,” shrugged Zack, trying to allay Cloud’s fears.

Cloud looked back down in disgruntled thought. He hadn’t missed the pain in Zack’s expression as he had said that.

“I don’t want that for us. I don’t want to be ‘ _just friends_ ’ with you. Maybe _I’ve_ been too subtle with asking you on a date and letting you hold my hand all night and sharing ice cream. So let me be clear,” Cloud looked up at Zack with ferocity, “That’s not something I would normally do with just _anyone_. Ever.”

Zack smiled a little. “I guess I just want to make sure you’re not doing any of this just for my sake. If you don’t want to be here with me, then that’s fine. Just say the word and I’ll leave you be.”

Something about this made Cloud panic. Zack understood Cloud’s history. How could Cloud make Zack understand that this wasn’t just some pathological attempt for Cloud to appease someone who he cared for with no regard for himself? How could he get Zack to believe in Cloud’s feelings for Zack? 

Cloud looked Zack sternly in the eyes.“I - the thought of wanting to be with you has been driving me crazy for the last four years. I want so much _more_ than _just_ friendship with you. Again, I’m really sorry things have been weird between us. I want to go back to how things were before.”

He meant every word.

That seemed to do the trick. Zack’s smile came easier and lively energy returned to his rigid body.

“I’m glad to hear that,” smiled Zack softly. “So tell me what I can do to help. What’s going on? How can I woo you into giving me a kiss?” asked Zack cheerily.

Cloud huffed in amusement. “Just be yourself, and I think we’ll get there.”

Zack perked up even more at that.

“All right, then. That’s Zack Fair’s speciality, I’ll have you know. Grab your helmet, Sunshine, and follow me.”

“It’s my turn to check out your arse now?” called Cloud after Zack, who had already bounded off towards his bike.

“Only if you can catch me!” responded Zack, throwing a wily grin back towards Cloud.

* * *

 

Cloud had followed Zack through the winding streets. He didn’t know where they were heading, but Cloud found the joyride they were engaging in infinitely thrilling. 

From time to time Zack would pull back a bit too fast, so that Cloud would catch up right alongside him. Cloud needed to swerve to avoid a collision, several times. Zack just laughed and they would exchange fiery looks. Zack then gunned off the wide stretch of road with his bikes front wheel up in the air, like the show-off that he truly was. 

Cloud chased after him with glee.

Eventually they turned off the main strip and rode off into one of the many gardens that peppered the large metropolitan city. Zack was being a rebel and disregarded all paths and roads, heading straight onto the cordoned off grass and up a large hill where they both came to a stop.

“You’re such a delinquent,” laughed Cloud, pulling his helmet off. 

Zack sported a grin to rival Cloud’s own, and nodded. “Just doing like you told me too.”

Zack dropped his helmet carelessly on the grass and rummaged through his motorbikes tail-box, producing a blanket for them to sit on.

“So our arses don’t get all wet before we’re ready for it.” The wink was almost lewd and the grin predatory.

Zack flopped down carelessly and patted the spot beside himself, inviting Cloud to join him. They sat shoulder to shoulder, sharing in each others radiating heat in the cool spring night time air.

It was late in the evening, but Cloud could still make out couples wandering the garden paths below, hand in hand, navigating by the waxing gibbous high in the cloudless sky.

They had a prime vantage point from their hill, overlooking a portion of the city. Building, street, and car lights dotted the skyline, stretching to the seeming endless horizon, beyond the confines of the garden

It was peaceful. The breeze gently rolled over the grassy field and through trees.

“Why did you bring me up here, Zack?”

“Well this is a prime _‘make-out’_ spot.”

“You been up here a lot?”

“Enough times… but that’s not the point.

“What is the point then?”

“I’m hoping the ambience will help us.”

Cloud ventured a glance at Zack. 

Ebony hair shon. The soft light of the moon bathed Zack in an ethereal glow and the man’s inner light made his eyes sparkle. Zack needed no outside help in lighting Cloud’s body aflame. He groaned inwardly at how sexy the man was.

“I don’t think the issue is the _ambience_.”

“Yeah, I’d have to agree with you. I know how you look at me. And you know how I look at _you_ , too.”

The pulsing and tingling inside of Cloud only surged and swelled at Zack’s words.

“Plus, again, I’m not the most subtle person you’ll ever meet,” he chuckled.

“Yeah, I never thought we’d be able to leave your place,” teased Cloud.

“But we did. If we had stayed in I wouldn't need to have brought you up here. We can be alone up here. I know the warehouse feels crowded now, and we’re both busy with work. But maybe taking some quiet time out, right here, will help somehow. And then the ambience can do the rest of the easy work before we get off this hill.”

Cloud huffed in amusement. “Alone time, and a sickening romantic view equals what we had before, huh? If only we could boil it down to a simple equation like that,” Cloud lamented.

“Well, at least let me try.”

“Ok,” Cloud nodded.

Zack took one of Cloud’s hands into his own, gently thumbing lazy ovals into his skin.

They sat in silence like this for a while. Absorbing the atmosphere and each other’s body heat.

Soft humming and whispered words eventually drifted to Cloud’s ears.

**♪** _This time away brings me even closer_  
**♪** _So much to say, I've been thinking over_  
**♪** _All the things you do to make me smile_  
**♪** _I see your face around every corner_

**♪** _Each passing day is a little longer_  
**♪** _Can't fall asleep, so I count the miles_

Cloud listened to Zack’s soothing timbre. Each word causing the butterflies to swirl around with greater force. 

**♪** _As sure as the sun going down_  
**♪** _I'll always be around_  
**♪** _I'll always be around_  
**♪** _I'm afraid of living here without you_  
**♪** _My years were made to wrap my life around you_  


Zack squeezed Cloud’s hand gently.

**♪** _When I'm away, our souls are tied_  


Cloud leaned his head against Zack’s shoulder, watching the man’s thumb massage and stroke his hand in rhythm to the soft song. The words were familiar to Cloud. It had been one of the songs Zack had sung that night Cloud had received that phone call from his brother. 

He closed his eyes.

**♪** _As sure as the waves crash to the shore_  
**♪** _I'll always be yours_  
**♪** _I'll always be yours, oh_  


Cloud’s hand was squeezed with warmth and affection.

**♪** _I'm in the dark, and there's a light that's shining_  
**♪** _In Central Park, where all the ghosts are hiding_  
**♪** _This city spark starts to fade_  


Cloud smiled. He had caught the sign outside of the park as they had hooned into the grounds. It had the same name.

**♪** _As sure as there are stars up above_  
**♪** _You'll always be loved_  
**♪** _And as sure as gravity pulling us down_  
**♪** _I'll always be around_  
**♪** _I'll always be around_ **(1)**  


Cloud opened his eyes again as he felt Zack raise his captured hand. A kiss was placed on the back of his hand, and then gently dropped down, and released.

Cloud sat back up, smiling gently and looking at his lonely hand. He still felt Zack’s touch and kiss lingering on skin. Zack always left such loving impressions on Cloud’s body and soul.

“You know that’s my weakness, right? You - singing to me,” Cloud let out softly, smiling at his hand.

“I’ll make sure not to abuse my power then,” rumbled Zack close to Cloud’s ear.

Cloud bit his lip against that sound. Overwhelming desire swelled inside himself.

They sat, engulfed in more quiet. Cloud could hear the night sounds. His heart thumped in time with the pulsating life and flickering lights of the city beyond.

Cloud didn’t make a move to act on his desires. There was still an awful blockage, and he knew Zack wouldn’t pursue anything if Cloud didn’t start it. He loved Zack for that.

After a while longer Zack inhale deeply and let out a sigh.

“I guess ambience really doesn't solve everything, huh.”

Cloud agreed with a hum in his throat, netting another sigh from Zack.

“I really liked it though,” Cloud threw Zack a wide eyed look, fearing he might have offended the other man.

Cloud was met with a smile and Zack’s hand went around to the back of Cloud’s head, pushing him close. Zack placed a kiss on Cloud’s forehead.

The heat only rose to Cloud’s cheeks at that gesture and being so close to Zack. Despite everything they had done together in the past he was still so incredibly flustered at Zack’s affections. He felt so stupid at his reaction but then again - whenever he saw the way Zack looked at him - like right now - with so much love and gentle amusement, Cloud found it hard to berate himself too much.

“Let’s try talking then,” Zack offered.

Cloud nodded, turning his attention back out onto the city. “Sure, what do you wanna talk about?”

“Hmm… well - I’ve been eyeing the photo’s on your desk.”

Cloud’s brow knitted minutely.

“That man in the uniform’s your dad, right?”

“Yeah,” muttered Cloud, quietly. He had put the two most precious possessions he had somewhere he could always see them when he was working away in his shop. That place happened to be his desk.

It seemed to Cloud like Zack was really wanting to cut through to the very core, and fast too.

“I thought so. I caught some of those news reports and some of those old doco’s. I thought I was seeing things, but Axel and Aerith agreed with me that the man always with Sep-. Well we all agreed that he was probably your dad. Watching that stuff and seeing your dad made me really miss you,” Zack leaned into Cloud gently with his shoulder. “You really _do_ take after him.”

Cloud winced a little at that seeming constant reminder.

“Roxas also mentioned you watched that stuff. That it got you really down...”

Cloud nodded.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you during that time. I wish I had been.”

“We can’t change the past,” murmured Cloud, drawing his knees to his chest and resting his arms and head on top of them.

The quiet stretched all around them. Faint city sounds drifted over whenever the wind changed direction. Other than that there was only the quiet hum of insects and each other's breathing.

“You know - I was there - when -.” Zack hesitated, “When you called Roxas and he told you about having visited me.”

Cloud’s stomach hit the ground, turning cold. His mind raced to that time and the things he had said to his brother. He lifted his head off his arms to look at Zack.

“I hope you won’t be mad. Rox and I were talking. He showed me the photo of you and the guys you had been working with in Wutai, when you rang. It was like - a gift. I really wanted to hear your voice. I really wanted to speak with you. Roxas put you on loudspeaker.”

Cloud watched the pained smile contort Zack’s handsome features.

“And that time you sang those songs?” Cloud asked in cold, hoarse, albeit also hopeful dread.

“Yeah - that we actually planned. I wanted to tell you how I felt for all those years. I wanted you to know how much you mean to me.”

Cloud couldn’t place what he was feeling at that very moment. “They - were all for _me?_ ”

“Of course. They are always for you. You always give me a reason to sing. You are my muse,” Zack smile intensified in response to the flustered sounds which Cloud was emitting.

Yet his smile dropped as he continued, “Once Roxas came back to Radiant Gardens - once I saw that photograph - I just wanted to run over there and see you. It crossed my mind so many times, especially whenever I had to go down that way to deliver things to the church. But I wanted to give you space as well. I knew I had given you everything you would need to get back to me if you wanted to.”

“Knowing you were ok though made me feel better, and I could let not seeing you slide - for the most part. But -.”

Zack fell silent and the mood felt heavy between them. He seemed lost in his thoughts and all lightness had left his features. Cloud never felt comfortable when Zack seemed lost for words, or lost inside his mind. That was Cloud’s forte. He couldn't have Zack join him or they both would be lost forever.

“Zack… You’re brooding, and I haven’t even plied you with alcohol yet.”

Cloud felt Zack’s body shake with soft laughter.

“Yeah, sorry. It only happens once in a blue moon,” Zack gave a brittle smile and cast his eyes up at the moon. 

It pained Cloud to see Zack like that. 

“I had a stupid whim. When I heard you wishing you had a photograph of us, that was all I could think about for weeks. I’m literally sleeping on a treasure trove of photographs every night. It hurt to think that I never had the foresight to take photos of us together when you were with me. But - I guess that might have been because I never thought we’d actually ever be apart,” added Zack as an afterthought.

Zack’s positive outlook on life seemed to always surprise Cloud. He had always been of the opinion that bad things would happen more frequently than not. He had believed that happiness would and could never last. So he stopped looking for it. But Zack had actively considered that they could be eternally happy together?

Incredible.

Every time Cloud didn’t think he could love Zack any more than he already did, he was proven wrong.

“Was what I did alright?” Zack looked at Cloud abruptly, beseeching him for an answer, or for forgiveness. Cloud wasn't sure which. 

“If I hadn’t come down to Wutai to bring you that photograph would I be here with you right now? Would you have come earlier if I hadn’t gone down? Should I have given it to you in person? I - I saw you. I saw how much it hurt you. I was going to come and comfort you - but the cowboy showed up... so I left.”

“Y-you were there?” Cloud’s eyes went big as saucers as he looked at Zack in disbelief. Cloud remembered the pain and ache in his chest. It suddenly rose inside himself like it was fresh.

“I thought I was doing the right thing by you. Giving you space. Giving you what you wanted. But - then I saw you, running out after me. You were hurting so bad. I -.” Zack squeezed his eyes shut and grimaced, his own memories and pain seemingly overwhelming him briefly. 

“I thought if I ran out there I’d do more harm than good. You know that I’ve never wanted to change your mind on anything, right? I’ve always wanted to support you in becoming your own person and becoming the best that you can be. If I had run out there… I was terrified that I would become a hypocrite. Force you to do things you didn’t want to do. Force you to do things you weren’t ready for. So I left you there. I turned away. It was -,” incredibly enough Cloud heard Zack sucking in air through his nose in a loud sniffle, “one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. I felt like the worst person in the world. I felt like -,” Zack struggled to say it, “I cut you - so deep.”

Zack’s eyes opened and he looked at Cloud. “I thought I made the wrong choice, when I turned and left. Should I have done something differently?”

Cloud’s heart squeezed tight in his chest. The pain of that day - the crippling self doubt that had followed - threatened to flood Cloud right this very second. Zack had been there. But Zack had his own pain and self doubt.

They had both suffered - because of Cloud’s stupidity.

Cloud let out a shaky breath. He focused on the fact that they were sitting shoulder to shoulder right now. Zack was his bedrock and firm grounding. He wasn’t going to be swept out into his sea of misery. Not right now. That stuff was all in the past, and his future was brighter.

“I have no answers to any of those questions. But I’m here right now. I think that’s the important thing, yeah?”

“Yeah,” whispered Zack, pulling an arm around Cloud and squeezing him tightly towards himself.

Cloud lay his head on Zack’s shoulder once more. He recognized the echoes of Zack’s own baggage in those worries and thoughts. Zack didn’t seem the kind of guy to dwell on much. It only really seemed to happen when it came to desperately looking for an alternative for certain weighty past actions.

“I need to start taking more responsibility for myself. You’re not responsible for me, Zack. None of what I did or how long I took was your fault. I could have chosen to leave Wutai whenever. I could have called you whenever, but I never did. I didn’t want to need you in my life. I still wanted you - but I just didn’t want to need you to make me feel better.”

“But instead I just started to rely on, and need Irvine instead. I - I used him in the worst way imaginable.” Cloud moved his head off Zack, leaning away a little. 

He didn’t feel he deserved the comfort of the other man. “He became my substitute for you. I -I used him as a distraction.” Cloud mustered up the courage to bare his shame to Zack once again. He breathed in deeply. “I always pictured you when it felt the nicest with him.” 

And when it had felt the worst Cloud also had a name to put in that spot. But he couldn’t tell Zack. Not that.

The sadness and shame did overwhelm Cloud in the end. He bit his lip against the tears he hadn’t felt he needing to shed in months now.

Zack pulled him in close once again, causing Cloud to whimper involuntarily.

“Nothing you ever do will make me think badly of you, Cloud. Nothing you ever do will make me want you less.”

Cloud bit his lip harder, but it didn’t stop the sob.

“We all have our ways of coping with life. Don’t think I didn’t screw around for the last four years either. Don’t think I didn’t pick up cute blonde guys to make myself forget for even just a few minutes.”

Cloud looked up at Zack, tears streaking down his cheeks. “You… really?”

“Yeah,” breathed Zack, and smiled down at Cloud tenderly. But there was a hint of pain around the edges as well.

Zack wiped at Cloud’s tears with a finger.

“Just a few minutes?” Cloud wanted to make Zack smile with joy. He wanted to extinguish the pain Zack was feeling. “I’m a bit disappointed to hear that.”

Zack laughed from the belly. Loud, sharp and clear. It rolled down the hill and into the moonlit park below. “You’re so cheeky. But you don’t have to worry. My stamina is fine.”

Cloud felt himself blushing and looked back out towards the cityscape. “I’m glad to hear that,” Cloud spoke quietly, smiling as past memories of them being together dripped into his mind.

Zack began speaking again, seriously and yet also gently. “I’m sorry I interfered in your life. But I’m glad you had that cowboy - _Irvine_ \- there. He seemed pretty sweet on you. Squall told me you two had a _thing_ going. And to be honest - it’s pretty flattering - and kinda a turn on that you thought of me despite having other good people around you.”

Cloud let everything that Zack had told him trickle into his mind. He didn’t feel he deserved someone so kind and understanding in his life. But that didn’t mean he wanted to lose Zack. Nor did he ever want to be away from Zack ever again, either. Cloud hoped he was done punishing himself.

“From time to time I did wonder if that guy might be replacing me. I wasn’t too happy about that idea. But I also trusted you to do what was right for yourself.” Zack tilted Cloud’s face towards himself and rested a knuckle under Cloud’s chin, “You always come first in my life, even if you choose not to have me in yours.”

Yeah, Cloud in no way deserved Zack.

“What about you?” he sniffled, and wiped at remaining tears. “You never found anyone to replace me? Not even for a little bit?” wondered Cloud. “And you don’t have to beat around the bush and treat me like a fragile flower. The main thing is that we are together now, so we can be open about what happened in the past.”

Zack’s lips quirked upwards in a bemused fashion. Cloud smiled as well. He could see the funny side of those words coming out of his own mouth.

“I could never find a replacement for you,” came the quick response.

“But Cloud,” Zack breathed in sharply and let go of Cloud’s chin, “I want to be honest with you. I want to tell you what happened on Wintersday.”

Zack’s hand drifted from Cloud’s body, and creases appeared on his forehead.

He stayed silent for a considerable amount of time, searching for the right words.

Cloud once again grew uncomfortable at the prolonged, unnatural silence.

“What is it?” he prompted, barely above a whisper.

“I don’t want you to get upset. You deserve to know though. Roxas and I - he gave me your number as a present. I was so happy. I had been missing you a _crazy_ amount and it kind of felt like I had finally gotten permission to call you,” rambled Zack. “Sure, it didn’t come from you directly, but your little brother seemed close enough. - He always just seemed close enough,” Zack’s brow creasing further as he muttered that last line more to himself than to Cloud.

Zack took another deep breath, looked Cloud square in the eyes and told him, “We had been drinking - I was tired - overwhelmed with joy -. I gave him a massive hug.” Zack labored through his words and Cloud’s heart was beginning to thump uncomfortably with worry as to where this was heading.

Zack began speeding up and said, “There’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just say it. We kissed. It was just a peck. Nothing more.” 

Zack let the words hang in the still night air for a bit. Cloud blinked and his gaze cluelessly drifted to the ground.

“You… kissed?” He swallowed against the lump in his throat.

“It never meant anything. For either of us, I’m pretty sure. Roxas was having a hard time with Axel and - well I hope you understand what I was going through.”

Cloud felt speechless. Shocked, betrayed, sick. He remembered how upset he had been when he had caught Zack kissing Roxas years ago. That had been platonic. But this? - this was exactly what Cloud had feared was happening in the past. 

Should he be outraged? 

Zack had been suffering, like Cloud had been. His bottom lip started trembling. Cloud scrunched his face up, to make the involuntary muscle spasms stop. He felt like he should blame himself for having been gone for so long. Again, he needed to take responsibility.

He looked back up at Zack, and could see the nervousness in the man’s eyes, as he tried to decipher Cloud’s nonplussed expression. 

Zack was probably so nervous because he also still remembered that scene from so long ago, reasoned Cloud with himself.

Again, Zack was always caring, always considerate. He always put Cloud first. It pained him. He didn’t see how he could ever reasonably be mad at Zack.

Cloud spoke slowly, “Thank you for telling me, Zack.” He breathed in deeply, “I guess... if my own flesh and blood couldn’t be a replacement for me - then that is good news?” Cloud tacked on a breathe of a smile at the end and watched Zack’s hard lines soften with relief.

Cloud needed practice in letting things go. He would try with this matter. He wouldn’t dwell on it - choosing to trust his brother and Zack instead.

“But - I’m really _that_ special to you? Why… ? I can’t be...” 

Cloud was enveloped in vague disbelief. Self doubt, low confidence, and a general bad opinion about himself still raised its head. He had so many years practice, after all. He wondered if he would ever be rid of that almost instinctual nay-sayer in his head.

“I think it’s for me to decide how special you really are to me, yeah?” Zack reclaimed some of the courage which had left him at his confession. He ventured to cup Cloud’s face again, gently stroking his cheek. 

Cloud relished Zack’s touches. They were always deliciously warm. Rough fingers traveled across Cloud’s smooth skin, scraping and gently scratching. Cloud enjoyed the friction.

He leaned into it happily this time, feeling the heat rise to his face yet again. 

As Zack continued to stroke him, a shy smile pushed itself onto Cloud’s lips.

“See - that thing you’re doing right now-. No one drives me wild quite like you do.”

The blush only intensified.

“What thing?” breathed Cloud.

“The thing that makes you, _you_. I love that. I love _you_.”

Cloud only smiled and blushed more. 

“You’re such a tease,” rumbled Zack.

He tilted Cloud’s face up towards himself, eliciting a stronger heartbeat and flutter from within Cloud.

They had talked about a lot of things tonight. 

Cloud had managed to air a lot of his worries, and Zack’s caring responses had always felt right. Cloud felt more vibrant, more alive, more energetic when he was with Zack. He loved that about the man. He felt like he could be himself, and he knew that Zack would never hurt him. 

The fact that he had told Cloud about kissing Roxas - it spoke volumes of the trust and understanding that lived between them. Cloud needed to trust in Zack as much as Zack trusted in Cloud.

“I love you too, Zack.”

Cloud closed the remaining distance between them of his own volition. He pressed his night kissed cool lips to Zack’s forever warm ones. Cloud’s stomach danced and somersaulted with joy and longing. 

So many years.

Fingers entwined themselves in Cloud’s hair, pulling Cloud closer into the kiss. Their lips always felt like they fit perfectly together. Cloud felt Zack’s tongue probing the outer ridges of his lips, begging entry. Cloud couldn’t give it to Zack fast enough. The intrusion was welcome. Zack’s tongue lapped at, and caressed Cloud’s own. They tasted each other like it was their first time.

He had missed Zack so much.

Cloud felt himself get pulled on top of Zack as the man lay down, keeping one hand in soft yellow, and the other firmly clasped around the small of Cloud’s back. Cloud braced himself, placing his elbows on either side of Zack’s head while their slow and sensual kissing continued. 

The stillness of the air was intermittently interrupted by the needy sounds of mouths hungering for one another.

Cloud felt Zack’s hand on his lower back work it’s way under his shirt. He felt a thrill of elation at being ok with - and even relishing - Zack touching him there.

Zack retracted his tongue and swallowed deep as they disengaged their kiss. Cloud looked down at how content and satisfied Zack looked at this moment. He never wanted to have that sight erased from his mind. Seeing Zack happy made Cloud feel happy.

“Did Irvine ever touch you here?” asked Zack while his hand traveled further up Cloud’s scarred back.

“Is it important for you to know?” wondered Cloud.

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Self satisfaction. Everything's a competition, and I want to be the winner in your heart.”

“You goofball.” Cloud planted a kiss on Zack’s lips. It seemed so easy now, whereas even a mere hour ago, there had been a rigid wall of Cloud’s own construction keeping them apart.

“Well?”

Cloud huffed out a small laugh. “You win. I never took off my shirt. I never let him see me, or touch me there.”

Zack captured Cloud’s mouth for another round of impassioned kissing.

The ambience seemed to win out at the end of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **(1)** \- Song Credit - _[Central Park](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UuKJjBFfXM)_ \- by **Lifehouse**
> 
> The song's have come out again, because I'm a sucker for this stuff. Plus I can't have this Clack relationship in this particular universe without songs. ;)
> 
> Also... I thought I needed to make it crystal clear what happened to Zack's bike. I think I left too many vague hints in [A Small Glimpse](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6463858). So in case anyone was left hanging... here's something concrete.
> 
> And if anyone's read everything that came before this fic and you have any questions... feel free to ask me. Any glaring holes in plot? Anything you are burning to have explained? Hit me up. I don't like loose ends. I'd rather have any fatal flaws revealed now so I can write in explanations for them into the chapters that are to come (where appropriate).
> 
> I hope you guys are still enjoying this fic. I've kind of moved on to editing and posting something else... and to be honest... I have way more energy and drive for that other story. But I'll still keep updating _The Search For Absolution_ weekly. Just... not putting as much effort into editing and refining this story. Maybe that just means it is 'complete'. Maybe _that's_ what this is supposed to feel like. Hmm....


	8. We’ll Pick Up Where We Left Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud and Zack made an implicit promise a long time ago. It is finally time to keep it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds with Chapter 17 of [The Clock Tower](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763/chapters/18236125) \- you can read it now.
> 
> This chapter also refers to past events in Chapter 22 of [A Place To Belong](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7153685/chapters/17760070) \- you can read it now.
> 
> Explicit sexual acts lie beyond this point.

They stood by their bikes, about to head off.

Fingers interlaced and held fast. Bodies pushed together.

“Do you wanna come over and spend the night?” Zack breathed with wanton desire.

Cloud’s belly throbbed. He pushed his face into Zack’s neck, inhaling that forever warm and sunny scent. 

Arms folded around him. 

It was so tempting. Roxas wasn’t expecting him back.

“I need to go home,” he said quietly, pulling back.

It didn’t seem to faze Zack. The moonlight illuminated his smiling eyes.

“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Bright and early. For breakfast?”

Cloud nodded, “For breakfast.”

Zack’s hand went to Cloud’s face where backs of fingers stroked soft cheeks. 

Cloud smiled. “You’ve got some real trouble letting me go, huh?”

Zack hummed in agreement.

“I had such a good time with you, Cloud. Can you blame me for never wanting it to end?”

Their noses touched and bumped.

“I had a really good time too. But I gotta go.”

Cloud pushed his lips to Zack’s, where he was welcomed with delicate zest. Tongues flicked, pushed and probed. Arms enveloped Cloud once more, holding them together.

Cloud moaned, Zack sighed.

They pulled apart.

“Do you wanna come over and spend the night?”

Cloud chuckled. “Are we stuck in a time loop?”

“Maybe,” Zack conceded. “Try saying something”

“I need to go home.”

“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Bright and early. For breakfast?”

The smile on Cloud’s face grew bigger.

“For breakfast.”

Zack’s hand stroked Cloud’s cheeks again. “I think we _are_ stuck in a time loop. Forever destined to repeat this conversation… until you say yes to my invite. How tragic.”

“I’m leaving, Zack.” Cloud pulled away and headed towards his bike, shaking with amusement.

“Aww no, that’s not how you’re supposed to break it!” whined Zack.

“I’ll be with you soon, but not tonight, ok?” He strapped his helmet on.

“Oh alright. I like the sound of _soon_. Better than _never_.” Zack bounded over to Cloud and kissed him through the helmet.

“Good night, Cloud. I love you.”

“I love you too, Zack. Breakfast, bright and early.”

Zack beamed, nodded and moved towards his own bike as Cloud brought Fenrir to life.

* * *

 

Cloud made the resolve to move into his own space the very next day. He gathered up his minimal possessions and hugged his brother with the promise of meeting up at least once a week for dinner.

Roxas had become exceedingly busy with various charitable activities around the great city. He also held a job at a small restaurant, so seeing Roxas at all was becoming a real treat for Cloud.

One night, a couple of weeks after having moved out, Cloud’s curiosity had finally gotten the better of him. He had tried to gently probe into the matter of Roxas’ relationship with Axel.

“Roxas, is everything alright between you and Axel? You two never seem to be with each other. I’d have thought you two would be living together by now. You stayed with him when you first got here, didn’t you?”

Cloud still felt protective over Roxas, and that probably wouldn’t change for the rest of their lives. He had given Roxas a lot more space though. He thought it was probably a lot healthier for both of them to live their own lives without feeling they needed to be accountable to each other all the time.

Roxas had looked nervous, “We did live together. But I needed my own space, I guess. We sort of just imposed ourselves on each other. And our work schedules are a lot different. I think it’s great that you and Zack get to live together but still have your own spaces,” enthused Roxas.

Cloud thought Roxas had a valid point there. He and Zack lived right next to each other and spent a lot of time together. Zack and Cloud had started renovating Cloud’s living space so Cloud had moved his mattress back over to Zack’s place. It meant he was spending a lot more time than normal with Zack and Denzel. But Cloud ultimately still had a space he could escape to whenever he needed time for himself. 

But his brow furrowed. He didn’t like it that Roxas was evading the subject.

“Didn’t you say that you wanted to head back to Wutai? I was expecting you to come here, spend a few weeks or only a couple of months and then head right back. But it’s nearly been a full year. Is Axel keeping you here?”

Cloud tried to say it as gently as possible but he couldn’t hide his disdain at the possibility of that even being the case.

But Roxas had jumped to Axel’s defense instantaneously, “No - no. He’s not making me do anything. I was actually waiting for you to come and join me here, before I left.”

Cloud just stared at him pointedly. Cloud was here now. There was no reason for Roxas to keep using him as an excuse.

“I - well - I guess I haven’t gotten around to telling him yet.”

“Why wouldn't you tell him? Shouldn't he be the first person you would have told?”

“I guess it’s just that - he seems so happy with his life here,” shrugged Roxas. “Sure, he grumbles about his work and about his father - but I also know he gets a lot of satisfaction from what he does. I can’t ask him to leave and come with me on my account. And I feel terrible having to tell him that I will be leaving him once again. I know we don’t spend a lot of time together anymore but - I at least still love him.”

“So you’ll just make yourself miserable and stay here forever?” Cloud didn’t like the sound of this situation. He worried more and more about his brother and what he was doing to himself.

Roxas gave a light pout and remained silent.

“I’ve never known you to sit in your own misery, Rox. Don’t take after your stupid brother, you hear me?”

“I’ll tell him soon. I’m definitely not going to stay here for much longer. I really miss Yuffie and all the people down there. I don’t think Radiant Gardens is home for me anymore.”

It saddened Cloud to hear that.

“It’s funny how life’s moved on, huh? I just got here and you’re about to move on again. But I guess we’re living our own separate lives now. We’ve both found the places we feel most at home at. It’s -,” Cloud sighed heavily against the growing heartache, “I don’t know how I’ll feel about us being separated for good though. I don’t want you to _not_ be a part of my life.”

Roxas looked sad at that thought too. “We’ll still stay in touch. We’ll take turns visiting each other, ok? You managed really well without me, Cloud. It’s done you a lot of good. Plus you have Zack now. You won’t even think twice about me, you’ll be so busy living your own great life,” Roxas finished with a smile.

Cloud just sighed but gave his brother a loving smile in return. Deep down Cloud knew they would be alright. He had decided to change, and this was just a part of change. He would embrace it. He was much more comfortable in letting his brother fly solo these past few years, after all. 

Cloud suspected that he felt ok and more at ease to let Roxas be, because of his own improved mental health and general well-being. And a lot of that feeling - that everything was alright - stemmed from him and Zack settling into a comfortable routine. 

While Zack and Cloud worked on installing room dividers in Cloud’s living space Cloud had accepted the offer to finally stay with Zack. But it was _just_ for the time being.

In the interest of taking things slow, Cloud slept on his mattress and shared Denzel’s room. They would talk for hours into the night about their various interests. This activity sometimes made Cloud miss Roxas, and other times it eased the pain of not having Roxas nearby.

Zack would always pop his head into the little room every morning to wake them both up. 

The morning greeting never got old.

Cloud’s heart lifted every time he heard Zack’s cheerful greeting of _‘Good morning, Sunshine!_ ’. He would actually feel like the sun _was_ shining even on the wettest days when he saw Zack’s radiant smile at the door.

Sometimes when Cloud was feeling particularly sleepy Zack would come in all the way and launch himself on top of Cloud for morning cuddles. That activity always got Denzel up and out in record time and left Cloud laughing as soft kisses would caress his neck.

“You do that just to get Denzel out of bed, don’t you?” he laughed once, and returned the butterfly kisses being showered upon him.

“Oh it’s definitely not to get him out of bed. Lucky for me it’s a positive side effect though,” Zack beamed in triumph, which only made Cloud blush.

Despite the abundant morning cuddles, and the fact that they worked and lived right next to each other, they had both agreed to give each other as much space as possible. 

They aimed to only spend meal times and evenings together, which worked for the most part. Though sometimes Zack couldn’t wait for the appointed times and would race over to make Cloud laugh with some silly story he had thought up.

Cloud focused all his energy on becoming comfortable with Zack, which to be fair, wasn’t very hard at all. He would deal with Sephiroth later. Probably when Roxas left. That’s what Cloud told himself. 

He wasn’t sure if he secretly hoped that Roxas would never leave. But he had promised himself that he would work up the courage either within the year, or whenever Roxas headed off. Whichever happened first.

But right now he just wanted to enjoy himself. He wanted to experience a normal life with Zack, even for a brief moment, before everything would inevitably turn upside down again - because that’s the kind of luck Cloud felt he had.

* * *

 

Eventually Cloud moved into Zack’s bed on a nightly basis, which had felt like a major victory to Zack. The catalyst had been a very persuasive round of kissing and an overwhelming feeling of drowsiness on Cloud’s behalf. 

Apparently Cloud’s own mattress had seemed too far away, and the floor had been slightly cold (despite it nearing summer). So the choice to stay next to Zack’s warmth had been a no brainer.

Zack loved having Cloud sleep next to him. It was partly why the renovation process was taking such a long time. Zack relished being pressed against Cloud’s frame. He adored waking up to that tickling sensation of the golden mop nestling under his nose, and the soft breath caressing his often bare chest. 

They spent blissful nights together. 

It usually started out with fingers entwining themselves into Zack’s hair, gently tugging and fondling. That was always Zack’s queue to trail kisses up Cloud’s arm, before ending up at Cloud’s neck and eventually his mouth. Once Zack gained permission to enter, their tongues would roll and massage each other. 

Zack had never been gladder that he decided to grow his hair out.

Their kisses were gentle and their hands would freely roam underneath clothes. Zack was always relieved when Cloud didn’t pull away as his hands explored Cloud’s back. What had once been a hinderance no longer seemed to bother Cloud. It caused Zack’s heart to swell with pride and adoration for the man who had been through too much in his life already.

The night sounds consisted of heavy breathing and stifled moans. The occasional whimper would drift out of Cloud when Zack ground his pelvis against Cloud’s erection. As if seeking revenge whenever those gasps were elicited, Cloud would then drag out excessively long and drawn out sighs from Zack with the gentlest of grazes down bare arms, and soft tweaks of nipples. Cloud seemed to have a thing for nipples, which made Zack happy. It was an immense turn on for Zack to watch and feel Cloud lap, graze and nibble at him. Zack felt like they were made for each other.

Both stirred intense feelings of lust and desire within each other. But Zack was always prepared to wait for Cloud to either make the first move, or to show, in no uncertain terms, that he wanted Zack to take the lead. 

For as long as Zack had known Cloud he had played the waiting game. Zack was never a patient man but he had been willing to learn for Cloud, as well as his own sake.

His patience had eventually run out though, which was why he had gone to Wutai. It hadn’t been pleasant, or easy, but it had been good to catch up with Squall. The man had only grown more handsome with the years. They had reminisced on the old times. They had teased each other regarding one another's tardiness and stringent punctuality, but Squall, true to his nature, hadn’t stuck with the idle banter for too long.

“ _Enough with this stroll down memory lane. What are you here for?_ ” But the way in which Squall had delivered the question had indicated to Zack that it was only a courtesy. Squall seemed to already know the answer.

“ _I’m on a secret mission. I need to deliver something to Cloud and_ _I heard that he works for you. I just wanted to leave this with you, to give to him,_ ” he had said and handed the carefully wrapped and selected photograph over to the other man.

Zack had been through his whole collection of photos four times before he had decided that this was the photograph he wanted to share with Cloud. He had wanted Cloud to remember the implicit promise they had made to each other that day; they would always love each other, and Zack would always be there for him.

“ _Is it from Roxas?_ ” Squall had asked, accepting the parcel.

Zack had shaken his head. “ _It’s from me._ ”

“ _Despite everything that happened you came all this way to bring this to him?”_ Squall had cocked an eyebrow. _“You seem to have a ‘type’ of guy you like to go for, huh, Zack. You ever noticed that?_ ” Squall had said with amusement in his voice.

“ _What can I say? I like a challenge,_ ” he had laughed.

“ _I’m honored you’d consider me a challenge._ ”

“ _You were such a hard nut to crack, but I knew my charm would work on ya._ ”

“ _I wouldn’t call it charm. More like your dogged persistence conflicted with my want for peace and quiet._ ”

Zack had laughed loudly.

“ _Yeah but you came back for seconds, and thirds, even after I stopped ‘dogging’ you,_ ” Zack had finished with a wink.

Squall had huffed dismissively and changed tact.

“ _So what is this?_ ” the man had continued with his interrogation.

“ _Just a photo. Cloud wanted one._ ”

“ _I think you should give this to him yourself then, if it’s something sentimental._ ” Squall had attempted to hand it back, but Zack had thrown his hands up in the air, absolving himself of its care.

“ _You were the last to touch it. Now it’s your responsibility to help see its mission through to the end and have it delivered,_ ” he had said with a smirk, eliciting a world famous Squall sigh. It had amused Zack to no end.

“ _I really think you need to give this to him in person,_ ” Squall had kept insisting.

“ _I can’t, man. Cloud can’t know I’ve been here._ ”

“ _Why?_ ”

“ _I - don’t want him to feel like I’m forcing his hand. He knows where I live. He knows that I love him. All he wants is a photo of us together, so that’s all I’m doing._ ”

“ _You don’t think there’s any way he’ll somehow misinterpret your intentions with this?_ ”

Zack hadn’t been certain but he had kept up his confident front. “ _It’ll be fine. You worry too much._ ”

Squall had only looked at him with narrowed eyes. “ _And sometimes you don’t worry enough._ ”

That had winded Zack somewhat. “ _Is there something I need to be worried about? Is Cloud ok?_ ”

“ _I think he misses you and his brother. You need to set him straight. He’s losing his way._ ”

Zack had been unable to hold his smile. “ _If he sees me it’ll make everything worse. He needs to find his own way back to us, or it won’t stick.”_

Their argument had ended at that point because Zack had heard a sound in the alley.

He had flung himself behind the bar, not being able to risk it possibly being Cloud who was about to walk in. And he had been right to do so because it _had_ been Cloud who had entered.

Zack’s heart had sung at hearing Cloud’s voice. Not revealing himself at that moment had taken all his conviction and resolution about how this would be the best thing for Cloud. Zack never wished to impose himself on the other man. He hadn’t wanted to demolish any happiness that Cloud might have attained. He had only come down to give Cloud the one thing he had wished for.

Zack worried a lot after he left Wutai that day. He tried to console himself in the knowledge that Cloud had a friend in Squall. He even seemed to be in some sort of relationship with the cowboy, as much as that thought twinged in Zack’s heart. 

He did find himself filled more often with pangs of jealousy at the thought that another man was able to make Cloud feel good over the last couple of years. He had become increasingly worried that Cloud wouldn’t want to come back to him, and then those thoughts filtered into feelings of guilt over having left the photograph. 

What if Squall had been right and Cloud misread Zack’s intentions? What if Cloud felt like Zack was forcing him to come back to Radiant Gardens? But he couldn’t undo his actions. So he had just let the thoughts go as best he could and continued to focus on the tasks at hand.

But then Cloud had come back, and now Zack felt consumed with wanting to make Cloud forget all about what anyone had ever done for him in the past. Zack wanted to become the one defining thought in Cloud’s mind whenever Cloud might think of what the definition of _pleasure_ was. 

Zack, one night, after having pulled Cloud’s pants off and trailed kisses along the inside of Cloud’s thighs asked, “Did the cowboy ever kiss you here? - Or here? - Or here?” whilst placing soft pecks and licks on thighs, hip bones and that adorable little dip where Cloud’s penis joined his lower abdomen.

Cloud just giggled, shaking his head.

Zack continued to explore Cloud’s body, lifting his shirt up and off with no resistance. The slight blush that spread, accompanied by a shy smile, made Zack feel like he was the luckiest man alive on the planet. It always effortlessly elicited that soft smile out of Zack that he had for no one else in his life except for Cloud.

“I love you so much,” was always the only thing that he was able to say that seemed even remotely adequate to convey how he actually felt about Cloud. Zack wished he knew a better word. ‘ _Love_ ’ didn’t seem to cut it most days. And that’s why he poured his heart and soul into wanting to make Cloud feel incredible.

They would rub themselves against each other and spend long evenings kissing and teasing one another. Zack was certain that Cloud derived as much pleasure from their nightly activities as Zack was receiving. So he did have to wonder why they never went beyond the touching. Cloud didn’t seem to want to come or even make Zack come.

“Hey Cloud, is everything alright?” asked Zack as he was fondling Cloud’s erection with his thumb.

“Yeah,” responded Cloud breathlessly.

“Then why won’t you let me suck you off?” Zack made a move to go down on Cloud only to get held back, illustrating the case in point.

“I just - I feel weird with Denzel being next door.”

“He’s a big boy now. He knows what sex is. He knows that we’re not just having a slumber party in here.” Zack smiled at Cloud, trying to be encouraging. “And if you're really that worried or embarrassed we can just be quiet. He sleeps like a log.”

Zack watched as Cloud took a deep, and quivering inhale before saying, “I really don’t want to be quiet when I’m with you.”

Shy eyes drifted up to meet Zack’s rapidly widening ones. As the realization hit him arousal, intense shivers, and a tingling sensation pulsed through Zack’s body.

He ramped up the renovation effort the very next day with great enthusiasm.

* * *

 

Eventually Zack and Cloud had finished the renovations in Cloud’s warehouse. Both had decided that tonight was the inaugural breaking in of Cloud’s new flat as well as bed, which Cloud had bought and set up that afternoon.

They had both worked each other up with relative ease.

Zack had been completely stripped bare and Cloud had explored every inch of Zack’s body, from his curling toes to the longest strands of Zack’s hair. 

Cloud hadn't fared much better in the clothing department. All that remained on him were his boxer briefs, and they were just barely hanging on to a dangling leg.

Cloud felt more comfortable to give in to his and Zack’s needs and wants now that he didn’t have to worry about scarring Denzel for life. 

Zack had spent a good ten minutes caressing and tickling Cloud in all his most sensitive spots with fingertips, as well as the tip of his tongue. Zack was currently rolling his tongue over the gentle curves of Cloud’s subtle defined abdominal muscles. He dipped down into Cloud’s belly button, causing giggles to gurgle forth.

Zack still sometimes felt an inexplicable possessiveness come over himself when he had Cloud at his mercy. He wanted Cloud all to himself because they had so many missed years to catch up on.

Casting his mind back Zack often found himself incredibly turned on with the realization that Cloud had thought of Zack whenever he did have sex with the other man. That knowledge allayed some of Zack’s fears. Knowing that they had both missed each other so much, and sought comfort in other people, strengthened the kinship and bond he felt towards Cloud. 

Yet Zack couldn’t let the teasing go. He continued to lick his way down towards Cloud’s erection, stopping like a tourist to ask if Irvine had been to this spot or that spot. 

Cloud always gave a good-natured shake of his head. 

As Zack reached the base of Cloud’s erection he planted a soft kiss amidst the soft hairs and asked one more time, “Did he ever kiss you here?” with genuine curiosity, as so far Cloud has always said ‘ _no_ ’ to any region below his navel.

Cloud shook his head once more.

Zack sat up slowly, while running his fingertips up and down Cloud’s throbbing shaft. “You’re not just telling me ‘ _no’_ all the time to spare hurting my feelings, right?”

The delight in Cloud’s eyes faded. “No, I’m not going easy on you. Irvine just really didn’t like doing any of the stuff you love doing to me.”

There was a heaviness in Cloud’s voice which didn’t go unnoticed by Zack.

“Tell me he at least kissed you here -,” Zack bent down and took Cloud’s head into his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the ridge, and pushed against Cloud’s slit, eliciting an appreciative hiss and moan from the man. Hips gently rolled up, pushing Cloud’s penis further into Zack’s wanting mouth. The hot coil in Zack’s abdomen tightened. His own erection only hardened more with Cloud’s lusting need for Zack.

Zack swallowed the hot flesh, grazing teeth gently along the length of the shaft before releasing Cloud from his mouth. He placed a kiss on the slit before sitting upright again to look at Cloud once more.

Cloud always looked so delicately beautiful. Gorgeous pale skin, shining eyes, and so often dusted pink cheeks whenever Zack pulled him into hugs, or placed kisses, or spoke about how he felt about Cloud. Zack couldn’t get enough of it. Zack couldn’t get enough of making Cloud happy.

“Only sometimes,” murmured Cloud, indifferently.

Zack sat back dumbfounded. “But you have one of the cutest penises in the world.”

Cloud laughed wholeheartedly at how genuine Zack was being.

“Thanks, Zack. ‘ _Cute_ ’ and _‘My Penis’_ is what I’ve always wanted to hear strung together in a sentence.”

Zack moved himself forward so he could plant a kiss on Cloud’s mouth, where he was warmly received.

“Everything about you is cute. Everything about you is just how I like it. I just don’t get how anyone who had you would be able to resist running their mouth all over you.”

Cloud just looked up at Zack and smiled for a while before gray clouds drew over and bled the radiance from that face.

“Sorry, Cloud. I’m talking way too much about other men again, aren’t I?”

Cloud nodded.

They fell back into silence, renewing their efforts on drawing out the sounds they loved hearing from each other so much.

Cloud had claimed Zack’s hand, sucking diligently on three fingers at once. Zack marveled at Cloud’s assertiveness. He didn’t remember Cloud being so domineering. It all served to just tighten the knot in Zack’s abdomen. Cloud wanted to get fucked and Zack wanted to oblige him with every fiber of his being.

Zack left kisses on Cloud’s neck. He stroked and pumped Cloud with his free hand, while he felt that sexy tongue rolling over the digits of his other hand, softly pruning them with time.

After some time fingers got released from Cloud’s hot mouth. Cloud maneuvered the hand to his opening, where he pushed one of Zack’s fingers inside himself. Zack couldn’t help the moan which escaped from him, and only grew louder as Cloud hissed in appreciation at the intrusion. 

Zack pushed his finger in and out of Cloud carefully, studying the way Cloud’s facial expressions changed minutely. Once he could see that Cloud was becoming comfortable with the intrusion he pushed in a second finger.

“This alright?” moaned Zack before he bent down further to nip at Cloud’s craning neck.

“Yeah. It’s so much better than just _‘alright’_ , breathed Cloud.

Zack smiled against the soft pale flesh and placed kisses.

Zack finally inserted the remaining finger and began to stretch and scissor Cloud in earnest. Zack worked on pushing against the prostate gland, listened in delight to Cloud’s very vocal appreciation.

When Cloud had deemed himself ready he pulled Zack’s fingers out of himself. The disappointed sound which escaped Cloud’s throat made Zack’s penis twitch.

“Don’t sound so sad. I could just keep fucking you with my fingers if you want, Sunshine,” Zack tried to console Cloud, and placed a soft kiss on the corner of those perfectly swollen lips.

“While I do love your fingers,” Cloud reached over the edge of his mattress to produce a small bottle of lubricant from somewhere, “I do want something _a little_ bigger.” 

Zack half laughed, half growled. His heart was thumping against his chest with desire. “I’m _more_ than a little bigger down there.”

Cloud’s eyes filled with lust and he bit at his bottom lip. “Oh, _I know._ ”

He pulled Zack down, swapping positions with him. Cloud straddled Zack’s thighs and surveyed the tanned kingdom beneath himself, biting harder on his lip.

“Go on, Cloud. Take whatever you want from me.” 

Zack was overcome with his hunger for Cloud. He wanted to plunge into that tight arse and slam them both into oblivion. But he also wanted their first time together, after such a huge absence, to be languid, heady, and deeply satisfying.

Judging by the way Cloud began slickening Zack up so leisurely, he figured Cloud wanted the same thing as well. 

Zack thought about the way that Cloud had stripped him bare earlier that night and how arousing that had been. The way Cloud was taking control of the situation right now was even more amazing and erotic. Zack didn’t know how this could get any more sexy.

The young guy he had met four years ago who had been so damaged, hurt and scared was a distant memory when compared to the man that Cloud had become.

“You’re really enjoying yourself, aren’t you?” ventured Zack as he drank up the sight of Cloud’s naked body straddling and stroking him.

Cloud’s half lidded eyes drew closed even further as he smiled down at Zack, breathing out, “Yeah.”

Zack watched greedily as Cloud positioned himself above his slick erection.

“How much do you want this?” Cloud labored out through his own lust and want.

“Nnnngh,” Zack pushed his hips upwards against Cloud’s sphincter but Cloud was too switched on and lifted himself upwards along with Zack’s trust so that Zack’s efforts had come to nothing. “Very muchly. Please Cloud. Pretty please? Cloud?”

Zack batted his eyelashes at Cloud and gave him his sweetest smile.

Cloud’s hand fell on Zack’s hair, gently pulling a long lock while deliberating whether Zack’s begging had been satisfactory.

Cloud looked at Zack for a long time, always lifting his hips high every time Zack playfully tried to push up and into Cloud’s teasing and tantalizing too-close-for-comfort opening.

A wicked grin grew on normally neutral lips.

“Ok, I think I’ve made you suffer enough.”

Zack nodded his head in complete and eager agreement and pouted, causing Cloud to laugh and lean close to capture Zack’s puckered lips into an intensely lingering kiss.

Cloud released Zack’s lips eventually and repositioned himself.

“Ready?”

A low and chesty laugh emerged. “I was born ready to have you fuck yourself on me, Cloud.”

Zack saw Cloud’s chest heave with pleasure, and a small, more genuine smile replace the wicked one he wore surprisingly well.

Cloud slowly eased onto Zack.

Zack moaned haphazardly as Cloud’s warmth and tightness surrounded him, careful inch, by careful inch. He wrapped his hands around Cloud’s hips to help steady the other man but also, primarily, to just be able to feel that smooth skin and those delectable hips.

“Mmm, Cloud - you feel soooo fucking - gooooooood,” groaned Zack as he slid and became completely buried inside of Cloud.

His breath caught in his chest as pleasure engulfed him. His senses all felt on fire. Sex with Cloud was a million times better than any he had with those other forgettable guys in the past.

Zack’s eyes closed as he focused on the intense gratification he received from Cloud’s heat and overwhelming tightness. Cloud was building a steady pace, sighing and humming to himself in delicious satisfaction. 

Zack joined in, giving appreciative moans, to rival Cloud’s own. But Zack’s eyes shot open again when those seductive sounds started forming into strange words. The voice sounded like that of Cloud’s, but couldn’t be -.

“Mmm, Irvine. _Oh_ _Irvine_ -”

Zack watched as Cloud ground himself against Zack. He muttered that assholes name while moaning with great satisfaction.

Zack felt like a bucket of ice was thrown atop of himself. It twisted and tightened all his muscles in a distinctly unpleasant way.

Cloud’s eyes opened when he felt Zack’s hands stop caressing him. He cocked an eyebrow before a cheeky smirk spread across his face.

The next sound that escaped Cloud’s throat was a high pitched squeal. Zack sat up sharply and attacked Cloud with kisses and ticklish-spot seeking fingers.

“You’re such an asshole,” yelled Zack through his own relieved laughter.

Cloud just emitted shrill and uncontrollable sounds of mirth while trying to defend himself against the onslaught of fingers.

“Well now you know what it’s like,” he got out between joyful breaths, before stilling himself and adding more evenly, “so can we please drop what happened in Wutai?”

Zack nodded. He had learned his lesson.

Eventually Cloud was sitting atop of Zack once more, pleasuring himself on Zack’s cock, which was deeply buried inside of him. Zack’s breath ran ragged as he watched Cloud control his own pacing. He revelled in how Cloud was angling himself in whatever way gave him the most pleasure. 

He watched Cloud’s abdominal muscles ripple. His chest heaved with every graze of Zack’s cock against his most sensitive spot. 

He watched the man’s thighs tense and relax as he lifted himself almost all the way off, to only take Zack all the way back in. 

Zack loved the sight of his penis sliding in and out of Cloud. He loved the way Cloud’s eyes fluttered open from time to time to look at him, and he loved watching Cloud’s complexion change from cream to ruddy red. 

He gazed at the intense display of pleasure and ecstasy that washed over Cloud’s face with every roll of hips. 

Everything about Cloud drove Zack crazy. Most of all though, at this very moment, the way Cloud moaned loudly was sending Zack wild. 

He had never heard Cloud be so loud before. It was deep and chesty, full of want and satisfaction. The shivers of pleasure that ran through Zack were electrifying. Zack gripped tightly onto Cloud’s bare hips. He traced along slender bones with his thumbs and arching against every one of Cloud’s downward thrusts. They ground against each other, causing Cloud’s moans to increase in volume. That in turn only heightened Zack’s own pleasured groans.

Cloud half opened his eyes to look at Zack, causing a deep wave of lust to roll through Zack’s innards. That usually angelic face, with those bright blue eyes, was currently tainted and clouded with need and want. Zack felt himself trembling all over with his own desires.

“Zack,” groaned Cloud as he lifted a hand off Zack’s abdomen and moved it to his own erection. 

Zack’s eyes followed the motion hungrily. He gleaned immense satisfaction from seeing Cloud begin to gently stroke himself. Cloud’s thumb dance around his head, pushing down on the slit. All the while Cloud continued to roll his hips and grind into Zack.

Zack’s lust-filled and barely open eyes widened as Cloud’s pre-come slickened thumb was lifted off and landed in Cloud’s mouth. He was tasting himself and looking at Zack, with a pleading gaze..

Every fiber of Zack’s body had already been churning, but that action upped the ante somehow. Zack moaned out of the depth of his gut.

“Fuck, Cloud! You’re so sexy right now.” 

Zack drew himself up towards Cloud. He pulled at Cloud’s hair and pushed their mouths together. Zack kissed Cloud ravenously, while Cloud’s thumb was still inside his mouth. 

Zack sucked on Cloud’s tongue and thumb.

He wrapped his arms around Cloud’s back, pushing their chests firmly together. With great ease he forced Cloud backwards so that Zack was now on top.

“Cloud, I want to hear you scream my name,” he growled into Cloud’s ear before licking the shell and trailing kisses down his neck, nipping on that delicious and delicate collar bone.

Cloud whimpered Zack’s name softly.

“Louder,” coaxed Zack. He found some leverage against one of the bed posts and started ramming into Cloud’s prostate with some ferocity.

The way that Cloud had been pleasuring himself had been slow and sensual. It had built up the tension inside of Zack, but he needed to ignite the spark that had been created. He needed and wanted to release all the tension, for the both of them.

Their bodies grew slick with sweat. Zack’s abdomen traveled smoothly against Cloud’s and the friction around Zack’s penis kept growing. Zack wanted to be like this with Cloud forever.

Zack wrapped his free hand around Cloud’s weeping erection. He thumbed and rubbed the head and slit. He cupped Cloud’s sack and gently massaged him. Anything to get that lusty voice to scream his name.

Cloud grew verbally louder as the intensity of Zack’s careful attention to detail increased. Cloud’s hands traveled over Zack’s chest, over the valleys and craters on his back, and tugged on hair. 

Zack’s kisses were strategically placed, teeth scraped, and thrusts grew shallower, repeatedly hitting where it counted the most.

Zack kept urging Cloud on, “Louder, Cloud, _louder_. I want you to fucking scream my name. Go on. Let me hear how much you’ve missed _this_ ,” and he gave an extra sharp and well placed thrust while firmly stroking Cloud and rubbing against his slit.

It was pushing Cloud to the edge. His insides were on fire. Everything was tight. His fingers, which had tangled in hair and scraping along a nodule on Zack’s back, dug in harder and stilled their movement. Cloud focused all his attention on Zack’s hard penis pushing in and out. He loved feeling so full. He wanted Zack’s orgasm, and love, inside himself. 

Zack could feel Cloud’s muscles clench tight around his erection, lending even more friction to each thrust. Zack only increased his hammering of Cloud’s prostate. The tingling sensations started all over his body as Cloud’s spasming drove him further to paradise. 

“Oh God, fuck. _Zack_ ,” moaned Cloud in husky inane pleasure. 

“I can’t hear you,” growled Zack with need.

“Zack... _Zack_ ,” Cloud's voice rose and Zack finally felt Cloud’s intended release. Hot liquid spilled onto Zack’s hand but he kept pumping the man he loved.

“ _ZAAAAAAAAACK_!” The intensity was equal to the way Zack had heard Cloud scream his name so long ago in Wutai. But the pain in that voice was replaced with pleasure.

The potency of Cloud’s desire washed over Zack. He gave himself over to the heady feeling and released himself by the third time he heard his name leave Cloud’s lips. He loved coming inside of Cloud. He loved filling up every part of Cloud with himself.

Zack groaned in pleasure, gently pushing his face next to Cloud’s, and muttering Cloud’s name into his ear, “Cloud - Cloud - I hear you, Cloud. I’m here for you. Fuck, I love you.”

Zack wrapped his limbs around Cloud and clung to him, feeling their hearts beating against each other, and reaffirming that they were both here for one another. 

Zack placed gentle kisses on that sweaty forehead. He rode out the remainder of his trembling ecstasy. Cloud whimpered and worked hard on stilling his labored breathing.

Both looked at each other, with unshed tears in their eyes and smiles on their faces.

Zack placed more kisses on cheeks, on bridge of nose, on corners of lips.

Cloud arms trailed over Zack’s sweaty body, clutching and pulling him tight towards himself. “I’ve missed this so much.” 

Eyes squeezed shut, shaking lose a tear.

Zack kissed it away. “Me too. But damn, that was so worth the wait,” he moaned breathlessly.

Cloud’s eyes fluttered open and his smile danced.

“I’ll never make you wait again, Zack,” Cloud rasped. Blue eyes looked up at Zack in earnest determination.

“Even if you did I wouldn’t mind. I’ll always wait for you. I’ll always be here for you.”

“I don’t deserve you, Zack.”

Cloud’s low opinion of himself always astounded Zack. He brushed golden bangs to the side. “I told you this once, I’ll tell you again - You deserve _so much better_. But I can’t give that to you, so you just gotta be content to be stuck with me. I hope you don’t mind.”

The air was squeezed out of Zack’s lungs. 

“I don’t mind. I love you. I want you in my life, forever.”

Zack’s heart swelled with love and adoration. He kissed Cloud. Soft lips felt so good. 

“That can be arranged.”

More smiles abounded. More kisses followed. Soft moans escaped into the quiet of Cloud’s room.

“I love kissing you.” Zack pecked. “It’s like…” and pecked, “Kissing…”

Cloud’s eyes narrowed with suspicion.

Zack’s smile grew bigger as he continued leaving kisses, “A…” and one more for good measure, “Cloud.”

Cloud groaned and slapped Zack’s sides. “Get off me, you lead balloon. I’ve changed my mind.”

Zack’s mirth bubbled forth. He held tight and clung on. “I’m never letting go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title refers to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbwEXyKOYtY) by O.A.R.
> 
> Curious about the promise? Read Chapter 31 of [A Small Glimpse](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6463858/chapters/14800474).


	9. Everything Eventually Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud’s life is blissful and perfect, but his luck is running out.

Cloud didn’t quite understand how it was possible, but instead of quieting that deep and pent up lust he had been holding inside himself for years, it only grew stronger after their initial night together.

Sex with Irvine had been torture, particularly when he compared it to how it was with Zack. Of course Cloud only had himself to blame for that. He had never truly wanted to give Irvine a chance, after all. Cloud had never wanted to give _himself_ a chance to be happy either, if he was truthful. But he was grabbing and holding onto that happiness for all it was worth right now.

Zack and Cloud displayed insatiable appetites for one another. Any decorum or resolve to give each other space was flung out the window. They screwed in the morning, they had a quickie at lunch times, and they fucked each other senseless late into the night.

Cloud vaguely remembered something about having promised Zack to catch up on all the lost sex before he left Radiant Gardens all those years ago. He was just making good on that promise, he told himself from time to time, with a smile.

With the passing days Cloud’s business grew and it was becoming very evident that he could really use Denzel’s help, so Zack resolved to bring Rupert up next weekend when he went on his fortnightly trip.

“Do you want to come along next weekend?” Zack asked as they lay naked, damp bodies and arms draped all over each other. 

Cloud thought about it.

“I wouldn’t mind seeing Aerith again,” mused Cloud. “And I’m also curious to meet this boyfriend of hers.”

“Oh Vincent’s great. You two would get on like a house on fire. Both so stoic, brooding and quiet,” teased Zack.

“Hmm, sounds like my kind of man. Does he have long dark hair? Because if he does I might have my dream package.”

Another round of kissing and touching ensued, followed by ripples of smiles and laughs.

Zack’s phone gave a loud buzz after a while, causing Zack to groan in frustration. Begrudgingly he let go of Cloud to check the message he had received.

An exasperated sigh emanated from Zack and he got up, found his pants and excused himself.

“Sorry Cloud. I gotta take this.”

“Is it Axel again?”

Cloud’s stomach churned anxiously when Zack nodded and headed outside so he could talk in private.

Axel had been calling Zack a lot over the last four days. Zack had tried to allay Cloud’s fears, saying that “ _it’s nothing, just some business issues”_. But Cloud never understood why Zack would be the person that Axel would choose to call.

Cloud also didn’t understand why Zack had to keep going out to meet the irritating bean-pole at such random hours of the day or night.

Cloud stretched and let his thoughts drift to Roxas. He hadn’t seen Roxas in a while, he thought sadly. Roxas had come over two weeks ago to have dinner with them. He had told Cloud that he would definitely be leaving very soon. He had told Cloud that he would have that talk with Axel in a few days. Cloud wondered if the phone calls had anything to do with that.

He rolled over and dragged himself to the edge of his bed, trying to find where his phone had landed amongst the mess of rumpled clothes. He missed talking to Roxas.

Cloud heard Zack’s wolf whistle as the man walked back in.

“You up for another round already?”

The bed dipped sharply as Zack launched himself on top of Cloud, kneading his arse, which had apparently been presented so temptingly when Zack had walked in. 

Zack ran his hot, wet tongue from the top of Cloud’s crack all the way up to his hairline. Cloud forgot all about finding his phone and gave in to Zack’s playful advances.

* * *

 

Cloud stirred from the peaceful oblivion he had fallen into. He felt cold and turned towards where he knew his radiator and comfort to be, but his hand hit nothing but lukewarm bedsheets.

Cloud roused a little more from his sleep. He muttered Zack’s name, and sat up, rubbing sleep from eyes.

As if on queue Zack lightly bounded into the room, eyes lighting in surprise when he saw Cloud awake.

“It’s too early for you to be up just yet, Sunshine. Go back to sleep.” Zack quickly crossed the floor and kissed Cloud’s head lightly.

“What’s going on?” Cloud mumbled sleepily, stifling a yawn as he watched Zack strip off his flannel pants and put on his day clothes. Cloud had a clear memory of having stripped Zack naked of all garments _before_ they had fallen asleep together. 

“I’ve just got an errand to run.”

“So early?”

“Yeah. But I’ll be back before breakfast.”

“Is it Axel again?” Cloud asked in irritation.

“Just go to sleep.”

Cloud received another kiss and drifted back off to sleep.

He woke again, not sure how much time had passed, but Zack’s warmth had returned. He snuggled against it and felt the other man’s arms wrap around and draw him closer.

Sleep and a peaceful smile returned.

* * *

 

Zack’s alarm beeped, rousing Cloud awake. It was quickly switched off again and Cloud felt a warm arm sling around him. Zack snuggled into and against Cloud’s back, sighing contently.

“Not getting up?” wondered Cloud.

“Nah. Gonna have a lay in for a couple of hours. Denzel knows what to do anyway.”

Cloud rolled over to face Zack. On doing so he was greeted with lips against his own and foreheads touching.

“Everything ok? You _never_ sleep in.”

“First time for everything.”

Cloud’s head was pulled tight against Zack’s chest. 

His mind was too groggy. Something felt off, but Zack’s warmth and those fingers softly brushing through his hair caused Cloud to quickly fall asleep again. 

They finally did rise once Zack had grown far too restless. That morning they were seated at the table in Zack’s space, chewing on toast, eggs and nursing hot coffees. 

It was a pleasant and quiet morning.

“You know,” Cloud started, drawing lips away from his morning cup of coffee. He kept eyes trained on the newspaper he was holding, “I’d really like to invite Rox and Axel over for a dinner. I never see them together. Not when I stayed with Roxas, and definitely not while I’ve been here. Something doesn't seem right between them. It might be nice to have a double date or something. We could go out, or just have them around here. Whadda ya think Axel might prefer? I know Roxas is easy going. He’ll enjoy himself no ma-”

“Cloud.”

His attention was drawn away from scanning the morning's newspaper. 

Did Zack look uneasy? 

“Yeah?”

“I saw Roxas this morning.”

“Huh?”

“When I got up to do stuff - he swung around to let me know he’s leaving.”

“ _What?_ ” Cloud was getting more confused by the moment. He dropped the paper and set down his coffee mug, unable to stop the creases forming on his brow.

“He’s gone. Said he was too excited to see the girls again, especially in time for his birthday. He didn’t want me to wake you up.”

Zack made a poor attempt at an apologetic smile.

“Roxas - is _gone_? _Without_ saying goodbye to me?” Cloud grew slack-jawed. 

Something was incredibly wrong. 

Cloud instantly reached for his phone.

Zack’s hand landed on top of Cloud’s.

“He said he’d be in touch with you. He’ll be on his way now. He probably won’t pick up.”

Cloud’s eyes narrowed. 

“Why’re you being like this?” he snapped.

“Like what?”

“Acting all suspicious; having that sleep in, and now not wanting me to call Rox. What the hell’s been going on?”

Cloud yanked his hand out from under Zack’s light touch and dialed Roxas.

“There’s nothing -”

“Don’t lie to me,” snapped Cloud. “Don’t pretend that everything is alright.” Apparently he had finally found something he could get angry at Zack for.

“Cloud -”

“Don’t ‘ _Cloud_ ’ me,” he snarled.

Irritation grew denser the longer he had to wait for the phone to be answered.

Cloud couldn’t believe that Roxas would just up and leave in the night without telling him. He couldn't believe that Roxas wouldn’t know that Cloud would try to call and be ready to pick up. 

Everything stunk.

That’s what he got for trusting people too much, and for being too relaxed.

The phone _was_ answered, but an unexpected voice spoke up and shocked Cloud out of his growing anger, “ _Yo, Spiky, sup!_ ”

“ _Axel?_ What are you doing answering Roxas’ phone?”

Cloud glanced at Zack, only growing _more_ suspicious. Something was way off, but Zack just shrugged his shoulders casually.

“ _Roxas is busy riding his bike, so he gave me his phone to answer when you called,_ ” was the logical response.

“I-,” Cloud felt like he was missing some crucial piece of information to make sense of this scenario.

“His bike? Why’d he leave his phone with you?”

Axel’s loud and obnoxious laugh bellowed through the phone and Cloud could hear a car horn give a few sharp blares in the background.

“ _We’re heading to Wutai._ ”

“Wutai? The both of you? _Together_?”

Cloud thought he caught Zack visibly relax his shoulders out of the corner of his eye.

“ _Why’re you sounding so surprised? Of course together. Hang on, Spiky. Roxas just pulled up alongside me._ ”

Cloud pulled his ear away from the phone as the noise and crackle of wind pierced the receiver.

“ _Hey Cloud,_ ” came Roxas’ strained sounding voice, barely audible over the sound of wind and engines.

“Rox! You’re leaving without saying goodbye?” Cloud couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice.

“ _Sorry. I got too excited. Everything’s alright. Please don’t worry._ ”

“Are you ok? You sound - _off_ …”

“ _Yeah I’m fine, it’s just the wind. I’ll call you when we reach Wutai, ok?_ ”

“Rox, you’re not lying to me are you? Something feels wrong.”

“ _Everything’s fine. I got no time to talk right now, Cloud. Gotta concentrate on the road.”_

_“_ You _swear_ to me that everything is alright?”

“ _I swear. Everything is really super fine. Talk later, k?”_

“Yeah, sure,” was the hesitant response.

“ _Cool. Bye C-_ ”

“I love you, Rox.” Cloud butted in. He didn’t feel like he said that enough to his brother.

Roxas’ amused huff rang through the line, still audible over the wind.

“ _I love you too. We’ll see each other soon enough_ , ok?” 

Cloud thought he could hear the smile in his brother's warm words.

“Yeah, definitely. Take care of yourself,” he smiled with great fondness.

“ _Always. Bye now._ ”

“Bye, Rox.”

The wind returned and then there was silence before Axel’s voice sounded once more, “ _See, all good. I haven’t kidnapped him._ ”

“Is it ok for you to go to Wutai? Don’t you have a life in Radiant Gardens?”

“ _Fuck that life, Spiky. Radiant Gardens was making him miserable, so of course I’m more than happy to relocate for him.”_

“You are?”

_“There you go sounding all surprised again. Geez. I love him. My life was always meant to be spent next to Roxas. And - I want to thank you for that - Cloud._ ”

The use of Cloud’s proper name by that man actually startled him.

“Thank me?”

“ _Yeah. Thank you for bringing Roxy to Radiant Gardens. Thank you for enrolling him at that school when you did. I would otherwise never have found him. Thank you for keeping him safe for all these years. I’ll take over from here. I’ll keep him safe from now to forever. You’ve got my word, Cloud._ ”

Cloud was a bit stunned at the ferocity and sincerity in Axel’s voice.

“Oh - uh... you’re welcome, Axel. I _will_ hold you to that. Don’t let anything bad happen to Roxas. And - watch out for Yuffie. I think she’s got a target on you.”

_“Will do, Spiky. Thanks for the warning. We’ll catch ya when you’re down our way, or when we come up. Whichever happens first.”_

“Sure.”

The heat had gone out of Cloud after he hung up. But his face was horribly contorted in a confused and thoughtful scowl.

“Everything alright?” inquired Zack.

“Yeah,” breathed Cloud, frowning at his coffee mug. “They’re both heading down to Wutai together right now.” 

Cloud’s eyes shot up to meet Zack’s, “If something bad happened to Roxas you’d tell me about it, right?”

“Cloud, he’s fine, why’re you worrying about this?”

“Just answer my question,” demanded Cloud, to which Zack only sighed.

“Rox and Axel had a few problems, but it looks like they’ve managed to sort it out. If he had been in any serious danger I would have intervened myself -.”

“Wha -”

“ _And_ then I would have told you once Roxas was safe again. So quit worrying.” Zack had interjected. 

“But -”

A warm hand landed on Cloud’s.

“Please don’t let this bother you, Cloud. Remember, Roxas has to lead his own life. He’s doing a good job of taking care of himself. So stop worrying. Rox is fine, and him and Axel are going to take care of each other, just like you and me are gonna take care of each other.”

Cloud wasn’t satisfied. Something still felt completely fishy.

“What did Axel do to my little brother?”

“Clo-”

Cloud pulled his hand out of Zack’s gentle touch.

“ _No_ Zack.” ferocity tainted his words. “You tell me, and you tell me _right now_.”

“It's really not my place to say.”

That boiled Cloud's blood. His expression turned stone cold.

“So you can’t tell me? And yet it’s _somehow_ ok for _you_ to know, but not _me_?”

“Can't you be ok with just knowing that Roxas is fine?”

“No! Is Axel a danger to him?” Cloud was not going to let up.

“Why do you need to know?”

“Because he's my fucking little brother! So tell me! _Is he_?” Cloud’s voice rose.

Zack's eyes turned hard. “No. He’s not.”

Cloud exhaled, sharply. He felt relieved. And yet… “Did he physically hurt my brother?”

Zack's jaw clenched.

Cloud knew he had cornered Zack. Nothing he could say now would get him out of this without a ' _yes_ ’ or ' _no_ ’.

Even if Zack choose not to answer Cloud would still know. Because the only reason to _not_ answer would be because it was a -

“Yes,” came the terse response.

It felt like a kick to the gut. Cloud slammed his first on the table. Their mugs and plates clattered.

“And you didn't fucking _tell_ me? _Me_? My baby brother is getting abused and you keep that shit to yourself? _Fuck_ , Zack!”

He felt so sick. So betrayed. Zack was the one man who was always supposed to be there for him.

“Cloud -’

“I told you, don't fucking ' _Cloud_ ’ me. You lied to me.”

“I _never_ lied!” Zack snapped.

“You didn’t _tell me_. I trusted you to have my back. Having my back means also having Roxas’ back, and telling me when he's in trouble.”

“I’ve still got your back, Cloud.”

“ _Bullshit_!” he spat.

“It’s not. I was protecting you -”

“ _Protecting me_? From fucking _what?_ ” roared Cloud.

“Yourself!” Zack barked. He winced at his own words and exhaled sharply, seemingly trying to calm down.

Cloud’s mouth hung open with disbelief. Words tried to form but nothing came out.

“Tell me, truthfully… What would you have done if you had found out about how Axel and Roxas had been arguing? Seriously, Cloud. What could you _possibly_ have done? Beat the shit out of Axel? Gotten the both of you into trouble? His family is rich. They would have chewed you up and spit you out. So what else does that leave you with? You leave? _Again?_ Taking Roxas with you and making him miserable, _and_ you, _and_ me, _and_ Axel as well?”

Cloud’s hands were trembling. He felt outraged.

“It’s not for you to decide on my behalf,” bit Cloud.

“I know that.”

“Then why are you making choices on what I deserve to know and not know?”

“Because I… fucking hell, Cloud. Don’t put me in this position.”

“You put yourself into this position,” decried Cloud. “You fucking think you know better than me! You think I’m an emotionally damaged baby who always flies off the handle, _don’t you_?”

Zack slammed the palm of his hand down on the table. Their mugs jumped. “I _don’t_ think that about you. Don’t put words into my mouth. Stop thinking the _worst_. I _love you_. I have _always_ trusted that you will do what’s best for yourself. Because I believe in you, Cloud. I am _so_ proud of _everything_ you have accomplished. I see your strength, I see all your good qualities. _You’re_ the one who thinks you're an emotional baby who overreacts to things, _not me_.”

Cloud’s chest constricted. Everything felt too hard and hurt inside himself. “Then why didn’t you _tell me_!” Cloud cried out in pain.

“Because it would upset you. It _has_ upset you,” stated Zack, in a horrendously soft tone.

Cloud didn’t want to be soothed by him right now. Cloud wanted to feel the burning indignation. He wanted to be given a reason to get more upset.

“I wouldn’t be this upset if you had told me, for fucks sake.”

“Is that really true?”

Cloud ground his teeth. His hands balled into tight fists. 

Zack’s voice lowered even further, “Can you be one-hundred percent certain that you wouldn’t have gone and beaten Axel up? That you wouldn’t have done things that you could quite possibly regret for the rest of your life and made Roxas absolutely _hate_ you for?”

Cloud’s face scrunched up in anger. His whole body was trembling. He slammed his fist against the table again, albeit with a little less force.

Zack’s face knitted in sorrow. “I’m sorry, Cloud. I know… I know I’m being a fucking hypocrite right now. I _did_ keep it from you because I wanted to protect you. I wanted to protect Axel and Roxas as well. I thought I knew better. But… I’m not proven wrong either, am I?”

Cloud turned his head to the side. He squeezed his eyes shut, and worked on keeping the whimper inside.

“Cloud, please don’t think about this too hard. It’s in the past.” Zack’s hand enveloped Cloud’s steely fist. “We both know you dwell too much. I promise I’ll tell you everything from here on out. I did the wrong thing. I know that. But it was for the right reasons.”

Cloud deflated. All air seeped out of him. He slumped forward. His clenched fists were pulled into his lap where he glared at them.

“Everything is fine. Please focus on that instead. Roxas and Axel sorted out their shit. They are happy together, and I would bet my life on it that Axel will never hurt Roxas again.”

“Everything's _not_ fine,” spat Cloud, with venom and tears in his eyes. 

“Y-you _betrayed_ me,” he sobbed. It hurt too much. He loved Zack too much.

“Cloud,” Zack got up and moved towards him. He stooped over and enveloped Cloud’s shaking body in a gentle hug. “Is this really about Roxas, or something else?”

Cloud sobbed. His angry fists unclenched enough to get the fabric of Zack’s shirt between fingers. He held on fast.

“You betrayed me,” he cried again, biting his bottom lip. Tears flowed and splattered down.

Zack pressed kisses into Cloud’s hair.

“I know, I’m stupid. I shouldn’t have thought I knew what was best for you or Roxas. I’ll try and do better from now on. Please forgive me, Cloud,” Zack knelt down before him and cupped his face.

Thumbs stroked and wiped at the bitter tears.

Zack’s eyes sparkled with hurt and dampness. “Please forgive me,” he tried again, in a whisper.

Cloud knew he would. But he didn’t want to. Not right now.

“I -. I need to be alone for a while,” he squeaked.

Zack's face scrunched up. His adam’s apple bobbed. Cloud knew it hurt Zack, because it also hurt Cloud to say that.

Thumbs stroked a few more times before leaving his face.

Zack spoke, with heavy sincerity, “Whatever you need, Cloud. You know where to find me whenever you’re ready to talk more.”

It broke Cloud’s heart. Zack was always like this. Understanding. Respectful.

So why did he have to keep Roxas’ affairs all to himself? Why had Roxas kept this all to himself? Why didn’t the two men most precious in his life trust him enough?

Cloud rose, as did Zack, who stepped away, casting dark eyes to the floor.

Cloud gathered up his things and headed back out to his own warehouse without another word.

Cloud _knew_ all the answers to his questions. He _knew_ why they hadn’t trusted Cloud with this. Because Cloud was weak, and fragile. Cloud _did_ fly off the handle. He knew Zack’s words were the truth. Cloud _would_ have done something he would have later regretted. He _would_ have done something which would have made Roxas hate him for the rest of his life.

Cloud hated his own pathetic weakness.

It scratched at his soul. It made him feel sick.

He stomped down the stairs.

Could he really be offended that everyone was keeping secrets from him?

Yes. Yes he could.

…

At least for a little while, right? He was allowed to be sulky for a few hours or days, right?

He was entitled to fume about this.

It was easier to be upset with this rather than focus on the fact that Roxas was gone.

Easier than to focus on the promise he had made to himself.

Either Roxas left, or the year drew to a close. 

Whichever happened first...

He growled as he passed through the shared doorway into his own space. He beelined for his living quarters to get changed into his work clothes. Work would give him respite. Work would make him forget for a little while at least.

He sighed in frustration.

Cloud _did_ dwell in the past too much. He couldn’t change the past though. He couldn’t bring Roxas back. His brother had sounded… Cloud didn’t know. What the _fuck_ had Axel done… Cloud’s insides squeezed in pain yet again. 

He grumbled to himself. His heavy footfalls echoed around his workspace as he made his way up the metal stairs.

Of course Zack was right. Zack had just tried to protect all parties. Trying to play the big hero. It felt like Cloud could only legitimately be mad at himself and his patheticness. It had after all forced Zack’s hand into deception. It had forced Roxas to shoulder the burden of what he had been going through, alone. 

Cloud needed to become better. 

Stronger.

He shut the door behind himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanna know what happened to Roxas? Read [The Clock Tower](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763).


	10. A Deep Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud tries to work up his courage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story takes a significant plunge to the dark side from this point onward. I just really need to warn you guys. Cloud starts facing up to his past. And if you've read [A Small Glimpse](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6463858) you'll know that it's not pleasant stuff at all. 
> 
> Mentions of past child abuse and rape and I guess torture in a way. But nothing explicit.
> 
> It gets grim and dismal. I will include more warnings in later chapters as are needed.

The city felt a fraction more lonely without Roxas there. They hadn’t spent a lot of time together but Cloud felt acutely aware of Roxas’ absence. He hoped he would get used to it eventually, like he had when Roxas left Wutai.

But it wasn’t easy. And Cloud was certainly not helping himself by shutting Zack out of his life right now.

His bed felt far too big and empty without Zack there to take up all the space and lay all over Cloud. The silence in his workspace seemed suffocating. No cheerful greetings and babbling brooks of words to assault him during their lunch breaks.

Also no soft moans, light touches, and building tension in his core until he saw stars.

Cloud had spent two nights alone. Grumbling, growling, sighing, crying. Beating himself up. Blaming everyone else. Resigning himself to how he would never change.

But Cloud had realized what he was doing. He saw how he was hurting himself. How he was doing the things he had _always_ done in the past. 

But _why_ was he doing it?

Cloud had already seen reason and logic in Zack’s actions that first day. He should have just forgiven him when he had asked for it, instead of making both of them suffer for these days after. 

Cloud thought he must be a real masochist to keep hashing over the misery of being deceived and not being kept in the loop - by _both_ Zack and Roxas. He reasoned with himself that if he was mad at Zack he also had to be mad at Roxas. But Cloud couldn’t do that. Not really. Not for very long. It was easier to just be mad at himself.

He became fed up. He couldn’t allow himself to slip into old habits and patterns.

Cloud thought about how Zack would be leaving in a few days to go to the church. He felt uncomfortable with the notion of letting the man go away while their relationship was in tatters.

So during Cloud’s midday break on the third day of - to be frank - Cloud’s self imposed isolation, he went towards their shared doorway. 

It had remained open during this whole fiasco. 

Cloud hadn’t been able to bring himself to shut the door. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to cut Zack off like that. And to be honest he had hoped Zack would stroll in with a bright ‘ _Good morning, Sunshine_ ’, chasing all of Cloud’s gloom away, and allowing Cloud to fall into Zack’s open arms.

But he never had. He kept his respectful distance and let Cloud sort out his own shit. Because Zack loved Cloud. He always had Cloud’s best interests at heart. It made Cloud’s longing grow.

He felt nervous as he stepped through the doorway. His eyes scanned for Zack, and found him easily enough. The man was reclining in his chair, feet propped on his perpetually messy desk, earbuds inserted and shoving sandwiches into his mouth.

Cloud’s body buzzed. He missed Zack. He missed seeing him, talking to him, touching him, sleeping with him.

It was time to kiss and make up.

Zack choked on his mouthful of food when Cloud cleared his throat, loudly, as announcement of his appearance.

Zack whirled around, ripping buds out of ears and stood up.

“Cloud,” Zack looked relieved and hopeful.

Cloud’s face scrunched up and his gaze lowered.

This was harder than he had anticipated. He huffed, and swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Zack, I thought about it.” Cloud’s gaze flickered on and off the other man.

Zack threw his sandwich onto the desk and strode towards Cloud, stopping a few feet away from him.

“Do you forgive me?” was the tentative question laid out before him.

Cloud took a deep breath. He focused on the other man. “Yeah. Of cou-”

Cloud’s breath left his body. Arms flung around him and pulled him into an impossibly tight hug.

“I’m sorry, Cloud. I don’t want you to ever feel like that again. Like I don’t trust you or believe in you. I need to work harder on showing you how much faith I’ve got in you,” Zack spoke with a lot of heart.

Cloud hugged Zack back. “I’m sorry too. You were right,” he muffled into the man’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t have handled it well had I known at the time.”

Zack pulled back a bit and looked into Cloud’s eyes.

“But I should have still told you. I should have done a better job.”

“Job?”

“It’s my self appointed role in life to support you, and talk reason into you when you’re being unreasonable. But I let you down, and I’m sorry about that.”

Cloud frowned. “It’s ok,” he said quietly.

“No, it’s not. I should have tied you up and told you. Let you have your fit but then watched you calm down. Because I know you always do. I’ll work on doing so much better by you in the future, Cloud.”

“Hopefully you won’t have to,” muttered Cloud, feeling rather crabby.

“Yeah, agreed. But just in case,” Zack tightened their hug again.

Cloud breathed Zack in. He had missed this feeling.

He pushed his lips against Zack’s neck.

Zack pulled away to capture Cloud’s lips with his own, leaving a chaste peck behind.

“Are we ok now?”

“Yeah, but -.” Cloud groaned inwardly. Why had he let that slip out?

Zack gave him a mellow smile, brows lightly knitting.

“Go on,” he insisted, seemingly knowing what was on Cloud’s mind.

“Will you tell me what happened to Roxas now?” Cloud asked tentatively.

Zack let go of Cloud, but his hands still ran all over him tenderly. His voice was equally soft, “If you really want me to I will. But I still think it would be better coming from Roxas.”

Cloud thought about that for a moment.

It was Roxas’ life after all. It was for his brother to divulge as he saw fit. Plus Cloud might run the risk of getting agitated again, and Zack would be the wrong person to let it out on.

He spoke with a heavy heart, “I’ll talk to Roxas about it I guess.”

“Thank you,” was Zack’s relieved response.

It made Cloud feel bad.

“Zack.”

“Yeah?”

“You done with lunch, or can I join you?”

Zack’s face brightened, as if the sunshine had returned into his life. 

It actually made Cloud blush a little.

“I’m never done eating. You want me to make you something?”

Cloud nodded, and his lips finally broke into a smiled as Zack grabbed him by the hand, pulling him towards his living quarters.

Things went back to how they had been in the past.

The sting of not having Roxas around was taken out again by Zack’s warm body next to his. He wasn’t abandoned. He was safe, loved, and cared for. He could still laugh and smile, even if it seemed difficult at times.

But the truth was that life was undeniably better with Zack in it.

* * *

 

Friday afternoon had finally arrived. He kissed Zack goodbye and leaned into that tender touch as he received a head rub. 

“You sure you don’t want to come with us? There’s still plenty of space for your bike in the van.”

“No, it’s alright. I have things I need to do here.”

Cloud gave Zack a firm squeeze and watched him get into the vehicle.

Cloud harbored great affections towards that van. He loved the memories it housed of their building relationship. If he hadn’t been cooped up for hours in there with Zack who knows how things might have panned out. 

The fond thoughts slipped as he watched the van turn the corner. Silence engulf Cloud and the burden he carried bloomed to life.

He took a deep inhale and steeled his fluttering anxieties. Cloud was gathering his resolve to head to the hospital.

He sat out the front for that entire afternoon debating whether he truly wanted to do this or not. He technically never had to see Sephiroth again. It’s not like he had any obligations. But could he ever enjoy peace of mind if he didn’t? Could he live with himself knowing the man was so close? Knowing that Cloud was being _expected_?

A horrific shudder ran through him.

Cloud had been mostly blissfully happy over the last month. 

Ever since he had moved in next to Zack, Cloud hadn’t payed Sephiroth much heed. He hadn’t allowed himself to - because he knew he would face his problem eventually. Sadly _‘eventually’_ had finally arrived.

Cloud feared that if he didn’t face Sephiroth, that man would hang over his life like a cancerous tumor; tainting and poisoning everything it came into contact with. Sephiroth had already done so much damage to Cloud’s life. It sickened him to think he would let it continue. Cloud couldn’t allow it to taint his happiness with Zack. He needed to protect himself _and_ Zack.

It was time for Cloud to become the hero of his own life.

He stepped foot into the hospital that afternoon. The reception staff seemed to recognize him, judging by the way their eyes darted and how they whispered to one another.

Cloud turned around and went right back to his home where he tried not to brood for too long.

He chided himself for being so childish. He went back there the following day. 

But every time he got close he felt the same way. Every time he set foot into that place he felt completely out of his depth. His body began to physically quake. 

Yet Cloud had actually managed to ask for the forms this time around. He felt proud of that. Like he had accomplished something. But as he stood there, staring at the words printed on his death sentence, his courage failed him once again and he slunk away in abject misery.

Cloud wished he had followed through with Zack’s invite to go to the church. 

At least he could have had a good time there. But no! He had to try and be brave, didn’t he? Cloud clearly _wasn’t_ brave though. In actuality he was a colossal chicken. He’d even go so far as to call himself a giant Chocobo, but Chocobos were fierce, so Cloud just had to settle for chicken.

His false sense of confidence had now landed him into suffering a hellish and torturous weekend. 

It was so typical. Cloud wasn’t good at anything. He was weak and pathetic. Just like he had always been told he was.

It bit into him.

This is why he needed to face the monster of his past.

He dug in his heels when Sunday rolled around, telling himself that ‘ _Third time’s the charm.’_

His stomach knotted every time he set foot into the hospital. His heart rate spiked and he began sweating profusely. It was that smell. It was the memories. All served as a wall he hit every time.

But he gritted through the worst of it on this day. He actually filled out the forms and followed the friendly staff through the building to be lead to a security check and into the courtyard. 

Cloud once again felt proud of himself. Deathly scared and terrified too, mind you. But proud nonetheless. He would show Sephiroth that he wasn’t scared. He would show _himself_ that he wasn’t scared.

Nausea whirled and amplified with each passing step though. His strength seemed to seep out as the journey through the courtyard stretched into eternity. By the time he arrived at the entrance of the private residency Cloud felt a quaking mess. 

The building looked well maintained, open, airy, bright. Lots of potted plants could be spied through the wide glass doors leading inside. But to Cloud it was a gaping brimstone and sulphur filled hole leading straight to hell. 

Cloud couldn’t step over that threshold. 

His heart was beating too fast for his body to keep up with. The ringing in his ears had grown exponentially louder the further he had ventured into the evil creature's lair. The air seemed heavy with toxic gases which his lungs just couldn’t process. All he could feel was a constriction around his throat and chest. He felt like he was having a panic attack.

Cloud turned around and ran the other way, unable to hear anything around himself.

* * *

 

Zack had raced past Denzel and Rupert, who were busy driving the van. He was eager to get back to Cloud so he could shower him with kisses and make him all embarrassed and flustered. It was one of Zack’s favorite past times.

But Zack’s rampant smile fell from his face the instant he rode back into the warehouse carpark. Everything was shuttered up and there was no trace of Cloud’s adorable blonde mop diligently beavering away in his workshop.

Something felt wrong.

A deep pain and a sickening unease drifted into Zack’s core. 

He found Cloud crying on their bed, late that Sunday afternoon. He shut the door behind himself.

Each rattling sob tore into Zack’s heart.

He lay down next to Cloud, pulling the man into his arms. Zack’s heart breathed with joy the way that Cloud snuggled against him. His hands firmly scrunched into Zack’s shirt, not seeming to ever wanting to let go. Zack made soothing noises and rubbed Cloud’s back comfortingly. He wondered what song he could sing to help ease Cloud’s pain.

He had just the one, not that it really ever seemed to matter. Cloud would probably be happy even with a sea shanty. Zack decided that he should definitely learn a sea shanty at some point to test that theory.

But right now all he had was what he held in his heart for the other man.

He breathed deep and began his slow tune, rubbing Cloud’s back.

 **♪** _If you fall_  
**♪** _If you fly_  
**♪** _It's so hard_  
**♪** _When you're trying to get by_

 **♪** _Your heart_  
**♪** _Never lies_  
**♪** _It's broken but it's wise_

 **♪** _And one day_  
**♪** _You will rise_  
**♪** _And you'll learn to dry those eyes_

 **♪** _Cause you'll see_  
**♪** _What it's like_  
**♪** _To struggle in this life._

 **♪** _I'll be here for you_  
**♪** _Any day you want me to_  
**♪** _I'll be here for you_

 **♪** _It's ok_  
**♪** _It's alright_  
**♪** _If you cry_  
**♪** _Cause I'll be here by your side_

 **♪** _I know_  
**♪** _What it's like_  
**♪** _To struggle in this life_

 **♪** _I'll be here for you_  
**♪** _Any day you want me to_  
**♪** _Love will see us through_

 **♪** _Wherever you are_  
**♪** _Whatever you do_  
**♪** _I'll be here_ **(1)**

Cloud settled with time.

“What’s the matter, Sunshine? Did you miss me too much?” Zack cooed gently after a while. 

Cloud’s sobs were still working their way out of his chest. Zack kept patting him. He stroked Cloud’s hair and planting a kiss there, “I missed you heaps.”

Cloud wrapped his arms firmer around Zack, giving him a tight squeeze.

“It’s not that. I - I’m so weak. I can’t do it, but I know I _need_ to do it. I need to do it for my sake, for our sake, for _his_ sake. But I’m such a coward,” whimpered Cloud.

“What do you need to do, Cloud?”

Zack’s brushing of Cloud’s hair intensified. He swept the bangs out of Cloud’s puffy and tear stained face. He looked down at the still gorgeous eyes, coaxing them to look up at himself.

Cloud did eventually look up into smiling eyes.

“I’ve been trying to work up the courage to go see Sephiroth,” he sniffled, “ever since I got to Radiant Gardens,” confessed Cloud.

Zack’s facial expression dropped to one of confusion.

“That’s why I was here three weeks before I ever came to see you. I wanted to put an end to my history with him. But I wasn’t able to. I want to see him. Speak to him. Get - some _closure_? - I guess. I need to understand how much of this is all my fault. How much of it is my responsibility.”

“None of it is your fault, Cloud. I told you that before. You were _fifteen_. You didn’t know any better. He groomed you, he manipulated you.” Zack felt so frustrated that Cloud still harbored such a ridiculous sense of responsibility towards his past.

Cloud sat up with a disgruntled look on his face.

“I’m not so sure. He needed me. He was hurting. I watched all those news reports and documentaries. Sephiroth has suffered so much, and I only added to his suffering.”

“Are you listening to yourself?” Zack also sat up, frowning deeply at Cloud. He felt his pulse begin to throb with greater force through his veins.

Cloud’s jaw clenched and his nostrils flared. That look was too reminiscent of when Cloud had blown up at Zack for not telling him about Roxas.

It caused panic to broil up inside of Zack. He didn’t want Cloud to get angry. He didn’t want Cloud to feel like Zack didn’t have his back.

“I don’t need you to berate me, Zack. I need you to support me in this.”

Zack felt sick and torn.

“Support you to do what exactly? You want me to hold your hand while we go see the man who _tortured_ you? Who _used_ you? Who _raped_ for years on end?” came his aggravated, disbelieving and sharp tone of voice. 

Cloud flinched at the words and it dug into Zack.

Zack didn’t like how he was behaving and talking to Cloud at present. Hadn’t he promised Cloud to believe in him more? To trust that Cloud knew what was best for himself? But… how could _this_ possibly be the _best thing_ for Cloud? 

He wished he wasn’t feeling so angry and frustrated right now. He wished he wasn’t so damn scared for Cloud. It was too hard to make a rational decision.

He frowned in pain and continue, albeit with much more restraint, “Help me to understand what the point of this is. Why do you want to make amends with that part of your life? Why do you want to let that man _back_ into your life? Because that’s what it sounds like to me. I thought you needed to _hate_ him to get through everything you endured.”

Cloud looked pensive and nervous.

“I don’t want him back in my life,” but Cloud sounded incredibly uncertain. 

Zack couldn’t keep the frown off his face.

“I needed to hate him back _then_ \- to get away - to make it safe for Roxas and me. But - why do I need to hold onto that now? Why do I need to carry these awful feelings with me for the rest of my life? I don’t want to hold this ugliness in my heart anymore, Zack. I want to be able to move on from this, from _him_. But I don’t know how. He was everything to me in my life. He was everything that you are to me now. How can I hate him but love you?”

Zack thought he was following on with Cloud, until the end. That was a complete curveball and forced his mouth to hang open. His brow knit with a flash of anger.

“I can’t even believe that’s a question in your mind. You can love me because I will _never_ hurt you. That’s the difference between him and me.”

“Didn’t you once tell me that we’re all the products of our past? Sephiroth isn’t a bad person, he just got messed up, like I got messed up!”

A gruff groan torturously escaped Zack’s throat “That’s -,” he deflated, and felt confused.

It’s true. Zack hated the idea of backpedaling on his principals. He didn’t want to be a hypocrite. Angeal wouldn’t have approved.

So Zack stayed quiet.

Cloud had won out on this argument. But he frowned in pain, apparently not savoring his victory. 

“I need to make peace with my past. Please - help me, Zack. _Please_.”

Zack’s residual rage subsided as Cloud’s hand searched out his own and clutched around it. Zack gave him a squeeze and sighed heavily.

He had to be there for Cloud. His personal feelings aside. He had to believe in the man he loved.

“I don’t ever want to see you in so much pain again in my life, Cloud. I don’t want to see you cry anymore, or lose sleep over what happened so long ago. You’ve been so amazing since you’ve been back. How can you guarantee me that you won’t let this get on top of you?”

Cloud seemed to think about it. “I don’t want that for myself either, Zack. I’ve got you. That’s how I know I won’t drown. You help me so much. Squall told me that I need people in my life. I didn’t want to believe him - but I do now. I’m better when I have you in my life. So as long as I have you that’s my guarantee.”

“That’s not good enough, Cloud. You can’t put this all on me.”

Cloud pouted. “That’s not what I mean. I’m not saying it’s your responsibility. I just - the way you make me feel about myself gives me strength. You keep me focused on the future. So please just believe in me. Trust me to know that _this_ is something I need to do, and just stay at my side. It’ll be ok if I have you next to me.”

That truly pained Zack. That hit all the spots which he was so worried about ever letting Cloud down on again. Of course he trusted in Cloud. Of course he would always believe in him.

He needed to show it. He needed to be a man of his word. His honor demanded it.

“You _really_ need to do this?”

“Yes,” was the soft response.

* * *

 

A few days had passed before Zack and Cloud could both afford to take some time off to go to _Royal Hope Garden Hospital_.

Cloud knew that Zack wasn’t happy but he was still right at Cloud’s elbow as they entered the hospital.

Just setting foot in that place was easier with Zack there. The smell still caused his heart rate to spike, but Zack’s scent also drifted to Cloud, soothing him.

Cloud had informed the staff that he wouldn’t go visit Sephiroth unless Zack was with him when he did that. They had been asked to take a seat and Cloud was left to stew over his own thoughts. 

Zack’s hand occasionally landed on his shoulder or stroked his arm warmly. Cloud didn’t like how quiet Zack was being, despite the reassuring touches. Usually he’d be more jovial, but Cloud guessed that this was also a very stressful time for him.

After a while longer Zack was handed paperwork to fill out and they were asked to follow the nursing staff.

Cloud’s heart and legs felt heavy as he forced himself to move forward. “Zack - please don’t let me chicken out.”

“I’ve got your back, buddy,” was the terse response, followed by a squeeze of Cloud’s hand.

The walk, which had previously seemed to drag on forever, ended way too fast this time around. Cloud stood at the threshold again, unbearable feelings swimming inside himself. 

The building didn’t look any less menacing than it had done previously. It loomed even larger right now, because Cloud knew he couldn’t escape. He couldn’t do that to Zack, or himself. He had dragged both of them out here.

He squeezed his eyes shut. Why was he doing this?

He knew why. He had this conversation with himself hundreds of times already.

Cloud felt a warm hand on the small of his back, giving him a gentle push. He glanced at Zack, who had managed to find it somewhere within himself to wear an encouraging smile.

Where before the atmosphere had been too thin and suffocating, it was now manageable, thanks to Zack’s steadfast presence at his side. It would be alright. Cloud was doing this for his future and his happy ever after. 

But his heart still played an ominous bass line, and hammered against Cloud’s chest as if to say ‘ _let me outta here’._

Profound discomfort swelled. 

He took a deep breath, pushing against the invisible wall his dread created. Two unsteady and timid steps and Cloud was over the threshold.

The silence drowned him. It was like all life had been left behind. All hope of returning unscathed had also been shed and abandoned upon entry.

This place felt like a tomb. 

Cloud should just leave the past dead and buried. But the idea that Sephiroth was in this crypt - _alive -_ was unforgivable to himself. Some notion of needing to save the man swirled in his head.

Cloud needed to be a hero. For himself. For Zack... for Sephiroth.

He was almost dragging himself down the foyer; legs like lead. Cloud focused on doing his best to just keep breathing through the rising pain in his chest. 

They reached a flash looking and highly polished wooden door. 

There was a knock and then Cloud and Zack were left alone, standing there.

Cloud felt like he could just die. Cold shivers ran down his spine. He was trembling all over and his face was contorted with pain and fear. A terrified whimper involuntarily squeezed through Cloud’s tight vocal cords. 

He turned away from the door with the intention to leave but, Zack’s arm caught him around his waist.

“I don’t want to be here anymore. Let’s just go,” he begged pathetically.

“I’d love to, but you made me promise. We should have come up with a safe word, huh?”

That actually bleed some of the sickening tension out of Cloud. Zack showing some sense of humor was helping.

But not for too long. Cloud froze as he heard the door click open behind him. 

His eyes squeezed shut and his breath escaped his lungs in terror.

He had run out of time.

Cloud’s heart found it’s way into his throat. It was almost like everything inside his body was scrambling to get out of the way of his waking nightmare. 

He wanted to throw up. He thought he _would_ throw up.

Tears welled as that cool voice softly chuckled and spoke his name, “Why hello, Cloud. So good of you to finally come and visit me. And of course you would bring a guest along with you.”

The words, and that dulcet tone all pierced Cloud’s body like shards of ice. He tensed all over. The idea of having his back to that man caused a raging roar of upset inside of Cloud. Memories of cold steel and stinging burns whirled in his head.

‘ _No_ ’, his mind screamed at him. Cloud blew air sharply out of his nose. 

The warmth, stability, and love expressed in Zack’s touch around his waist filled Cloud with a burst of courage. He didn’t want to look like a failure in Zack’s eyes. He wanted to be strong like Zack.

Cloud couldn’t allow this man to control him any longer. He couldn’t dare let Sephiroth see how much he was still affecting Cloud. He wouldn’t let Sephiroth have any more power over himself.

His body stilled. His breathing evened out. He turned around, armored in steely determination and ferocity.

It was still a shock to be face to face with the man though. Cloud gritted through it.

“Sephiroth,” was the curt and arctic greeting.

Cloud could have sworn those perpetual cool, unfazed eyes widened a little. ‘ _Good’_ , thought Cloud and he stepped through the door without being invited in.

Zack followed close behind and the door shut behind them.

* * *

They had sat down on the spacious sofa in the cozy looking living room. It definitely didn’t feel like a hospital. Even the suffocating disinfectant smell which permeated everything and clung to skin for days on end wasn’t present here. Instead Cloud became affronted with the equally suffocating scent of Sephiroth's cologne. 

Cloud wished the man had changed the fragrance over the years.

It served as a powerful stab to his heart. It brought the past into sharp focus. It was disgusting. 

Cloud feared that this was the reason why Sephiroth still wore it.

Sephiroth had busied himself in the kitchen area off to the right, leaving Cloud and Zack to sit quietly.

Cloud’s heart was pounding furiously. He fought against his tears, and at the way his skin crawled. Cloud wanted to get out of there so badly. 

He knitted and wrung his hands together in his lap, desperate to get some blood and warmth back into his fingers.

“You ok, Cloud?” Zack whispered in the still room.

“Yeah,” he squeaked. Cloud cast a painful glance towards the kitchen. Sephiroth was immensely tall and elegant. Cloud’s breath left him every time he laid eyes on him. 

Cloud’s nightmare and torment began his trek back towards them. 

Sephiroth placed coffee mugs in front of Zack and Cloud. He gave a curt nod and a sick smile respectively. Sephiroth sat himself opposite of them, sipping on a cup of tea.

It irritated Cloud that Sephiroth had just served them a drink he knew Cloud enjoyed the most. Cloud refused to take a sip, but he bet it was just how he liked it too; the strongest, most bitter possible brew, with a dash of milk.

Zack sat completely stiff next to Cloud. Yet he still managed to keep in contact with Cloud by any subtle way possible. Their knees touched and Zack’s elbow would graze against Cloud’s whenever Zack shifted uncomfortably. It really helped to ease Cloud’s pounding heart, and quieted the ringing in his ears.

Cloud was sorry for putting Zack through this. But Cloud couldn’t do this without his help. He would have to make it up to Zack later.

The silence stretched on uncomfortably.

Cloud could hardly look at Sephiroth. The scar on his chest burned in agony.

“I made you a coffee, just how you used to like it. The least you could do is taste it and tell me if I made it to your specifications.”

A part of Cloud actually moved to do as he was asked, but he pulled back, scrunching his nose up in distaste.

He made a mental note to be careful around automatically giving in to Sephiroth's requests.

With defiance he made eye contact. “I never asked you to make me one,” he retorted, steely and tense.

Sephiroth hummed with slight amusement in his throat and cocked an eyebrow at Cloud.

“You never really had to tell me. I’ve always known what you liked and wanted.”

Cloud could feel the way Zack tensed beside him. But Zack stayed quiet, as did Cloud. 

He wanted to be an immovable mountain of stoic calm. He didn’t want Sephiroth to glean any more satisfaction than he was probably already getting.

“You never used to be _this_ quiet. Almost six years and you have _nothing_ you wish to say to me? After how you left you can’t even grace me with an apology?”

Zack huffed quietly. 

With just one sentence Sephiroth had begun to erode Cloud’s mountain of calm. 

He gritted and ground his teeth in irritation and deeply internalized outrage. The goading was as obvious as Sephiroth’s ostentatious silver hair, and yet Cloud couldn't stop falling for it and reacting to it. That amplified his irritation.

Cloud didn’t want to take the bait. He knew he could hold it together better than Roxas had been able to. Roxas had never been exposed to Sephiroth's true nature - but Cloud? He had lived and breathed it for over a year.

He clenched his jaw, stilling the grinding, and tensed his fists resting in his lap. 

Looking at Sephiroth made his skin crawl. His eyes had to keep darting away for some reprieve. 

Everything unpleasant about the man flooded him.

Sephiroth still looked the same as how Cloud remembered him. There might have been a few more creases on his face but other than that he didn’t look a day older. He still wore the same smirk and possessed an aura of aloof detachment.

He wondered what Sephiroth thought of Cloud. He wondered if he still preferred Roxas over himself. That thought irked him.

“You’re going to be a pouting child, is that it? Can’t we be grown ups about this?”

“I’m here. What more do you want from me?” Cloud spat, somewhat aggressively.

“I’ve told you what I want.”

“I will _never_ apologize to you,” was Cloud’s heated response. This wasn’t how Cloud had wanted it to go.

Sephiroth hummed with indifference.

“Tell me how Roxas is doing then. They wouldn’t let him back in after - his _small outburst_.” Sephiroth’s hand drifted from his cup to his cheek lightly and then back again.

His eyes flicked over Sephiroth in agitation, which seemed to amuse the man, judging by the soft chuckle in the back of his throat. It was that same derisive and belittling manner which Cloud had come to know and hate so well.

“Stop talking about Roxas. He’s not here. Nor will he ever be here again. You have no power over him. He’s living his own life. He’s happy. You lost. You couldn’t touch him. You couldn’t smother him. He’s always managed to shine so bright against anything life has ever, and will ever throw at him,” Cloud said with pride in his heart for his little brother. 

“I know it always upset you to be second fiddle to Roxas. It must be hard to be older and not feel up to par with _your little brother_. He always outshone you.”

Sephiroth's expression was cool but Cloud knew the laugh and mocking undertones which roiled beneath the surface.

“You’re wrong, Sephiroth. The way I feel about Roxas has changed. We’ve never been closer. We’ve never had more respect and love for each other.”

Cloud felt triumphant. He could take pride in his relationship with his brother. The way they had survived together was a source of strength for Cloud and he refused to let Sephiroth take that away from him.

“And why do you think _that_ happened? If you don’t feel like you can apologize to me maybe a ‘ _thanks_ ’ might be more palatable to you,” sneered Sephiroth.

Anger started to rise inside of Cloud. He struggled to contain his trembling.

“Never,” he snarled.

“Hmm, well never mind then. But I know that it just burns you up inside anyway. Roxas was always more special to Claudia - and to _me_.” 

Lips turned up in a smirk as Cloud struggled to hide his upset by the way his nostrils flared.

“You’re just saying things to get me riled up. Nothing you say _means anything_. They are just empty words to hurt me.” Cloud shifted forward in his seat, getting more angry with each word.

“I’ve _never_ wanted to hurt you.” 

Sephiroth’s hand lightly traced across his own chest as he said those words. 

To anyone who didn’t know their history it might have seemed an innocent enough gesture. A simple tick of Sephiroth's nervous system. But it lit Cloud up like a beacon. Every ugly thing he had ever felt in his life roused within himself.

Cloud’s heart roared in outrage against his burning and stinging scar. 

Cloud could _feel_ Zack fuming beside him. 

He breathed in deeply, pushing down the upset rage. He needed to stay calm for Zack.

“Then why _did_ you?” He couldn’t disguise the quaver in his voice.

“It was for your own good. To protect you from yourself, and to protect Roxas from your naive whims as well. You didn’t understand back then and I expect nothing to have changed now either.”

Cloud felt like he was punched in his stomach. His breath left him sharply. “H-how _dare_ you. I’m not a little kid anymore. So stop treating me like I’m stupid!” raged Cloud.

“Oh, really? So you’re no longer insecure? No longer need validation? You no longer need to please people? To please _me_?”

Zack was up like a shot, unable to take it any longer. “That’s _enough_!” he bellowed enraged. “You have _no_ right to speak to him like that! You _abused_ Cloud! You abused both of them and I won’t let you keep doing this to him!”

Cloud had risen along with Zack, standing between him and the predatory animal lounging in the armchair behind him. Cloud’s hands were pressed against Zack’s chest, trying to stop Zack from lunging at the other man. 

He felt the hard thumping of Zack’s heart, which mirrored his own. He saw pure, unadulterated rancor in Zack’s eyes. He had never seen Zack’s face look so hideous before. 

Cloud looked into blazing blue eyes, his own gaze pleading for Zack to calm down.

“I wouldn’t try anything if I were you. This room is under constant surveillance. The only place I get any privacy is my bedroom and bathroom,” Sephiroth said coolly. He didn’t seem at all bothered and began nibbling on a small biscuit absentmindedly.

“Why are we here, Cloud?” growled Zack in a lowered tone. “He’s toying with you.”

“Looks like your _friend_ has the same kind of temper that you and your brother always had. Is he as much of a crybaby as you, too?”

Cloud pushed against Zack as the other man went to make a move.

Sephiroth’s words bit into Cloud, but he focused on Zack and how to best look after him instead.

“Do you need a minute? Do you want to step outside and get some fresh air?” Cloud spoke with concern.

“And leave _you_ alone with _that_? No way.”

Zack hit the sofa hard as he dropped his body down, pushing his back firmly against the soft backing and folded his arms behind his head. 

Cloud watched Zack’s eyes drift shut and his chest rise and fall firm and even.

He returned to his position on the sofa next to Zack. 

“Maybe you should introduce us to each other, Cloud. That might help to ease some of the tension.”

“I know who you are,” Zack opened his eyes and leaned forward, elbows on knees and a hard look in his eyes. “The whole world knows who you are, but only a handful of us also know _what you are_ , as well,” venom laced his words.

“Then this is very one sided, since I have no idea who _you_ might be.”

“Zack Fair,” he spat.

“ _Fair_? I remember hearing about a _Zack Fair_ from Angeal.” 

Zack’s eyes lit up ever so slightly at the shock of hearing his uncle's name.

Sephiroth noticed. Of course he noticed, thought Cloud bitterly.

Cloud knew that Sephiroth was studying them. He wished he had remembered this fact. He wished he had shared it with Zack before they arrived. Not that it would have served as protection against the poison which was Sephiroth’s tongue.

“Ah - looks like you _are_ that person. You are his nephew, if I remember correctly. Angeal was very fond of you.” Some warmth crept into Sephiroth's tone, “He talked a lot about your energy and determination. He had many high hopes for you, and recommended you to our fledgling SOLDIER project.”

“H-he did?”

Sephiroth nodded and smiled gently. 

Cloud noted the ferocity leaving Zack’s face.

“Shit - I asked him so many times about that. I told him to put a good word in for me. But he always told me I was too reckless and disobedient to ever qualify.”

“The truth was that Angeal always suspected you cared too much. It takes a certain kind of ruthlessness to partake in that project. But he recommended you anyway, because he hoped you would be able to help shift and change the culture within the rigid structure of that particular military branch.”

Cloud thought that Zack looked floored. Sephiroth’s words had somehow pacified the burning upset inside of Zack.

A sharp inhale sounded from Zack and he shook his head, as if rousing out of a deeply disturbing thought.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone, and I left the military.” 

“I am sorry for what happened to Angeal. He was loyal to a fault, and he is sorely missed. You have my sincerest condolences,” Sephiroth added, and looked like he actually meant it. 

“I’m sorry too. It should never have ended like that for him. It should never have ended so terribly for _a lot_ of people in that place,” said Zack, embittered.

“I am also sorry for what happened to a lot of people in that war,” and there Sephiroth’s gaze drifted to Cloud, looking slightly pained and far more gentle than it had been the entire time they had been there for.

Cloud couldn't maintain the eye contact. It hurt too much. The way that Sephiroth always switched between hot and cold was unsettling and set his nerves on edge.

“He often spoke about how you took care of Wutai’s orphaned children too.” Sephiroth smiled warmly at Zack. “He was always very proud of you for that. He spoke about how honorable that was, and I think we both know what a stickler Angeal was for doing things the _proper_ way.”

A soft smile seemed to resentfully place itself on Zack’s lips, and he huffed gently.

“Yeah,” Zack’s gaze had drifted to the polished wooden floor.

“You did good and worthwhile work in Wutai. Never doubt that. Children are the most precious and fragile when the tragedy of war strikes. And I suppose you are still looking after the orphans of war now, isn’t that right, Zack?”

Sephiroth’s gaze drifted back to Cloud where it seemed to settle derisively.

Zack picked up on it and any warming feelings he might have been developing towards Sephiroth extinguished in the blink of an eye.

Zack looked like he was about to throw out an insulting remark but was stopped by a knock at the door.

“Ah, what a terrible shame. It looks like visitation hours are over already. I will have a word with the staff. Arrange for us to have more time together. You will be back, Cloud.”

It wasn’t even a question.

Cloud felt really high strung and agitated. He ignored Sephiroth’s command and laid his hand on Zack’s clenched fists. 

For some reason Cloud wanted Sephiroth to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Cloud had moved on from him. That Cloud was happy - that Cloud hadn’t been irrevocably broken. And he wanted to hurt Sephiroth too.

He placed a gentle kiss on the corner of Zack’s mouth. That action seemed to leech tension out of the man’s body. Cloud was greeted by a small smile, and returned it in equal measure.

He sighed, releasing his own nervous energy. “Let’s go home, Zack.”

Standing up, Cloud pulled Zack to his feet.

He wanted to walk out of there defiantly. He clasped Zack’s hand firmly and marched them towards the door. But his eyes slipped. He couldn’t leave without getting a hard look in on the man who had been everything to him and hurt him so much. 

Sephiroth got up and followed them like a stray, yet elegant cat.

When they reached the door Sephiroth pulled it open for them, nodding at Zack as he walked past to exit, and whispering to Cloud, “You haven’t changed at all,” as he followed suit.

“I wish _you_ had,” spat Cloud bitterly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **(1)** \- Song Credit - _[I'll Be Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuJ6c-lOd_8) _\- by **Priscilla Ahn**__
> 
> I drew a picture of them all sitting around glaring at each other. [Click here.](http://cream-pudding.deviantart.com/art/TSFA-Ch10-643056070)


	11. The Performance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud goes to great lengths to try and fix up his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this chapter comes with **trigger** warnings. We are talking about trauma and dealing with it. So look after yourself while reading.

“Man, what a piece of work! The way he kept insulting you! Making fun of you! Mocking you! What the fuck! He burns me up! How _dare_ he have the audacity to be such a cold piece of shit and demand things of you! As _if_ you’ll ever go back there, after the things he said to you! The way he treats you!” Zack paced furiously, ranting, working his nervous energy out the only way he knew how.

“And the way he just switched. One moment saying all these things - 'not wanting to hurt you’, demanding for apologies! Thinking you _owe_ him? Fucking hell! And then he tries to make conversation with _me_? Trying to all polite? As if I’m gonna be friends with him! As if I’ll ever see him as anything but a fucking monster!” 

Zack rubbed at his face letting out a groan before settling and looking at Cloud, who was standing beside his bike casting dark eyes to the ground.

“You’re ok, right, Cloud? You held up really well in there.” 

Cloud glanced up and nodded. “Yeah, I’m ok,” was his thin reply. But he was shaking. Cloud felt weak. He felt wrecked.

Zack could apparently tell as well, because he quickly moved towards him, eyes brimming with worry.

“Cloud, you don’t look too good.”

Zack’s care and concern were too heavy. Cloud sunk down to the ground. He couldn’t hold himself upright any longer. He sat on the pavement, arms resting atop of knees and head cradled between hands.

Arms and firm body were right at Cloud’s side, engulfing him, but Cloud suddenly drew in on himself. Everything tensed against the touch.

Zack suddenly pulled away. “Shit, Cloud… you _sure_ you’re alright?”

Cloud exhaled sharply. He lifted his head to look at Zack. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve got _nothing_ to be sorry for.” Zack tried to touch Cloud again, running a hand through Cloud’s hair. But Cloud still flinched quite hard. … Which made Zack flinch as well.

“ _Sorry_ ,” both men muttered simultaneously.

Zack sighed in pain. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, Cloud,” he stated with more force.

Cloud grimaced at that. “I do, Zack. I’m sorry for putting you through all this shit. I’m sorry for being all… I just… feel… ” Cloud voice drifted off. He felt gross. He felt dirty and despicable. He felt exhausted and drained. His body buzzed but also felt stone cold.

He felt so pissed off at the words Sephiroth had spoken. So pissed off because Cloud _knew_ how Sephiroth operated. He had known something like that would happen, but Zack hadn’t. Cloud felt terrible for not having been able to prepare the man sufficiently. He had let Zack down and himself.

His head sunk back down. He felt stiff and rigid. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep for an eternity.

Zack spoke words, but Cloud didn’t hear. All he heard was the pounding of his heart and ass he could focus on how much everything hurt and how uncomfortable he was.

“Cloud, get up.” Zack voice broke through the haze Cloud was lost in. He sounded very stern.

It made Cloud’s insides clench.

“Get up now, Cloud, c’mon.” Zack jumped up to his feet.

Something in the other man’s voice was very commanding, so Cloud got up, reluctantly. 

“C’mon. Shake that shit out. Shake it _all_ out.” Zack started bouncing lightly, shaking his shoulders and boxing the air. “C’mon, Cloud.”

“Zack, no,” Cloud didn’t have any energy for it.

“C’mon. Just gimmie two bounces and two punches.” Zack continued to bounce.

Cloud huffed out light amusement and started following Zack’s lead, bouncing lightly, and striking out wimpy punches.

“More energy, please.” Zack kept bouncing and boxing the air, exhaling sharply with each precise punch. “And I want to hear you breath!”

Cloud jumped a little higher, he struck out a little firmer. He huffed air out of his lungs harsher. Tension seeped out of shoulders. His legs felt better for the movement and it was refreshing to have air forced deep into and out of his lungs.

“Lookin’ good, Cloud,” came Zack’s cheerful encouragement as both men bounced and punched the air in the middle of the hospital car park.

A smile lit Cloud’s face. The anger he had felt slipped away. 

A few moments more and Cloud stopped bouncing as did Zack.

“You feel better, buddy?”

Cloud had to search inside himself. “Yeah, I do actually.”

Zack’s buoyant grin flashed. “Awesome! I read somewhere that moving helps.”

Cloud knew that Zack had been spending a fair bit of time reading through articles, but he had never bothered to inquire what they had been about. He thought that now was probably a good idea to start. 

“You read? Have you been reading about…”

“How to help someone through trauma? Yeah,” Zack nodded solemnly. “I knew we’d come here so I did some research… just in case,” he shrugged. “I want to support you as best I can. If you’ve got your heart set on doing this then I gotta know how to take care of you, right?”

Cloud found it hard to breath with the amount of love he felt for Zack all of a sudden. He turned away from him. “You shouldn’t… I should never have put you in this position.” The bad feelings started welling up again. “I -I should have warned you. I should have told you how he is. He can read me like a book. He knows what hurts. He knows how to dig and how to get under my skin.”

“Cloud, please stop thinking about that stuff. It’s in the past. It’s done. You don’t have to apologize!” Zack’s voice drifted closer. It was almost upon him. Cloud’s stomach clenched. His spine tingled with almost razor sharp stabs, as he anticipated being touched.

But nothing happened. Nothing came, except for Zack’s soothing voice, “If anything I’m the one who should say sorry. Sorry I wasn’t much help to you in there. I probably just made it worse,” the man lamented.

Cloud let out a deep sigh, and with his his anxiety. He wanted to be close to Zack. This man cared for him, so deeply. Cloud turned around and looked at Zack. The warm smile softened Cloud up even more. He stepped forward, closing the distance between them and leaned heavily against Zack a short moment later. 

Why did it hurt his soul to do this? Why did it leave his throat so tight?

Comforting arms tentatively enveloped and drew Cloud closer. Hand gently rubbed his back. “Is this ok?” Zack checked in quietly.

Cloud’s fingers pulled tightly on Zack’s shirt. He took deep, comforting breaths, inhaling Zack’s always warm and sunny scent. It became easier to breathe. His scent chased away the tendrils of that saccharine and pungent stank which Cloud felt clinging to himself.

“It’s more than ok, Zack. It’s what I need,” Cloud muffled into Zack’s shoulder, before nuzzling into the man’s neck.

Zack filled him with warmth and love. Zack helped to dislodge the old uncomfortable memories and feelings that had been brought up.

Zack squeezed Cloud tight, and placed a warm kiss atop of blonde head.

The tension continued to slowly leak out of Cloud. 

“You know,” Cloud started, somewhat labored, “I had _almost_ forgotten what Sephiroth was like.” That had been a surprise in its own right. But sadly Cloud had been wonderfully reminded like a slap to the face.

“I wish you didn’t have to remind yourself. I wish you could just forget about all this and get on with your life,” Zack spoke, sounding bitter.

It squeezed Cloud’s heart.

“I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard for the last six years. Running away hasn’t helped. This is the one thing I’ve never tried. This is the one thing I gotta do,” the words left Cloud feeling bitter and sick inside himself.

Another firm press of lips was pushed against Cloud’s hair. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” Zack squeezed out, sounding pained. “God! It makes me sick to think you had to endure _that_ for so long. Urgh! Again… I’m so sorry for how useless I was in there. I wish I could have done more.”

“No, Zack,” Cloud pulled away to look him in the eyes. “You helped so much. I wouldn’t have been able to set foot in there without you. You helped me to stay focused.” Cloud smiled meekly through his exhaustion.

Zack looked at Cloud with sadness and sympathy. He gave Cloud another squeeze and planted an incredibly soft kiss on his cheek.

Cloud’s heart gave a small delighted flutter. It felt nice and like a reprieve from all the shit he was feeling inside himself.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I kind of regret having agreed to this. I want to keep you safe. You handled yourself really well but, I wish… you should _never_ have to put up with someone like him. I don’t like what he does to you. I don’t like how shaken you are after that.”

“I don’t like it either,” acknowledged Cloud with a sinking head. “But… again having you here helps. Thank you for having come with me. You helped a lot,” he muttered.

It had been a _really_ big ask of Zack. But he had come through. He had shown that he believed in Cloud. That meant a lot.

Zack sighed, “Well I’m glad I was kinda useful. But I still don’t get why you have to expose yourself to… _that_. God, he’s awful.”

“He didn’t used to be like that,” Cloud frowned deeply.

“But he is now.”

“I want to believe that there is some good in him, Zack. I need to find something redeemable about him.”

Zack looked pained. “To get rid of the awful feelings inside yourself, yeah?”

Cloud nodded.

Zack breathed out and pain turned to compassion. “I’m so proud of you, you know that?”

Cloud stared at Zack in surprise, causing the other man to laugh gently.

“You are facing all the things in your past that have ever held you back. You are courageous, and strong. You’re an inspiration, and I feel so honored to know you.”

Embarrassment heated Cloud's face and he turned his head away from that loving gaze, causing a delighted sound to emit from within Zack.

“How do you always manage to be so cute, huh?” Zack nuzzled Cloud’s neck gently and breathed in deeply, almost like he really loved the way Cloud smelt.

The flutter inside of Cloud grew stronger.

“It’s my superpower?” Cloud tried to jest, timidly.

“That it definitely is.”

An affectionate kiss was left on the corner of Cloud's mouth.

It caused tingles of delight to course through his body. The weird reflexive shut down Cloud had experienced continued to drift further away.

“So where to from here? I don’t know if you managed to settle anything in your own head today. Do we have to come back in the future?” frowned Zack slightly, gazing back at the hospital.

“I think today was the biggest hurdle. I - you’re right. I didn’t resolve anything today, so I will come back and talk to him.”

“Just say the word, Cloud. I’ll be here for you.” 

Zack said it with so much zest and enthusiasm that the next words hurt Cloud to get out.

“I’ll be going alone, Zack. This is something I can’t have you there for.”

Zack took a moment to process that and his face fell into a frown.

“Are you being serious?”

Cloud nodded.

“Why? I can’t let you do this.”

“You need to let me do this. You saw how he behaves and talks. If you come with me he’s going to use you against me. He’ll make you angry to get to me. I’d rather not let him have that chance.”

Zack's mouth hung open slightly. “You’re still trembling though,” he said, rubbing his hand up and down Cloud’s arms, pointedly.

Cloud breathed out the clenching discomfort which was growing again in his stomach. He wished his body would calm down.

“I’m just really… drained. The first time’s always the scariest. I’m sure I’ll be a lot better next time. I forgot what I should have been expecting, but now I’m fully aware of it again. We sussed him out. There’s cameras, so I should be safe. I can handle myself, Zack. I’ve got this now, so please trust me. Continue to believe in me and to be there for me when I need you, but let me do this alone.”

It was a dirty trick. Cloud knew that. Zack would give him the benefit of the doubt. After that painful incident involving his brother and the secrets that had been kept from him, Zack wouldn’t have any other choice than to acquiesce to Cloud’s demand. Because Zack kept claiming he trusted Cloud. And Cloud actually believed him… and trusted him as well. 

Cloud trusted Zack to have his back. He trusted Zack to not hurt him. He trusted that Zack would continue to love him and care for him. It caused familiar stinging to prickle behind his eyes with how wonderful it was.

But it was also so very strange. Most days Cloud completely forgot that he ever had a hard time trusting others. Zack made things easier, somehow. Zack made Cloud forget the bad shit in his life. 

Zack sighed and gave a stern look. “Alright,” he said. “You can go in there by yourself but I’m gonna be waiting out here for you. Deal?”

Cloud actually felt relieved to hear that. He nodded.

Zack smiled, but it was weak and not as jovial as was his typical nature. “I also want you to promise me something, Cloud.”

“What?” he asked cautiously.

“You won’t let him destroy the life you’re building for yourself. You’ll keep living _your_ own life; you’ll keep doing the things _you_ enjoy doing, ok? You continue to live and work on building the normal life you’ve always wanted. Don’t get swallowed up by him, and don’t let him worm his way into your head. I love you, and you are an amazing person. Don’t forget that and don’t let him tear you down.”

Love swelled inside of Cloud. “I don’t want to lose sight of any of that either. You - you’ll tell me if I get lost, won’t you?” was Cloud’s wary question.

“I’ve always got your back, buddy,” came the response with a comforting pat and rub.

They headed back to their work and both became engrossed in their businesses for the remainder of the day.

But intrusive thoughts and feelings crept into Cloud’s existence despite his best efforts to try and distract himself. 

His body itched and burned far worse than it had done in almost five years. He felt skittish around the sound of metal scraping, which was troublesome since he worked in the mechanics trade. Something as simple as placing his tools down on the metal tray sent his nerves on edge and brought memories of steel back to the very forefront of his mind.

But Cloud had dealt with all of this before. He would get through it again. He would be fine. He was strong. All that shit was in the past.

Cloud focused on the sound of Zack’s voice drifting into his workspace as the man talked on the phone, or would shout a question towards Cloud regarding what he would like to have for dinner.

Stuff like that got him through the remainder of the day.

Cloud felt like Zack was watching him like a hawk when they were together that evening.

“Do you want to go to bed early? You had a huge day today after all.”

“You don’t need to baby me,” Cloud protested, working hard to stifle the yawn.

“I know I don’t need to, but I want to? Nothing makes me happier than knowing you’re ok.”

Zack always warmed Cloud’s heart.

“Well maybe a bit of an early night might be nice,” Cloud conceded.

Zack beamed.

“How about a bath too, while I’ve got you in such an agreeable mood, huh?”

“A bath? Next you’re gonna tell me you want to wash me too.”

“Wow, you’re seeing right through my plans,” Zack chuckled.

“Really? You’re gonna wash me?” Cloud asked incredulously.

“Yeah. If you’ll let me.”

“I don’t know. I haven’t been sat in a bath and washed since I was probably five.”

“I’ll be bathing right beside you if that’s cool with you. I haven’t had a bath in such a long time.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Cloud held his nose closed and started laughing when Zack threw him an outraged look.

They had both piled into the bathtub once it was filled up to the halfway point.

Zack lovingly sponged Cloud down, rubbing a soft washcloth down his arms and over his back and chest.

But Cloud still flinched. And he tensed when Zack took notice.

“It’s alright, Cloud,” Zack reassured. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“I know that,” Cloud got out in a monotonous voice. And he really _did_ know that. But he couldn’t stop his reactions.

“You know, this is all normal. You’ve been through shit, and seeing that guy today just… pulled all of that stuff back up for you.”

Cloud nodded. He leaned back against Zack’s chest, as he was being cradled between the man’s legs.

“I’ll help you get through this, Cloud. Just focus on the present. Focus on your future. On the things you want to achieve and the things you have in your life right now, ok?”

“I’ve got you,” Cloud tilted his head and looked up at Zack, who smiled down at him softly. “I’ve got Roxas. And my workshop.”

“You’ve also got yourself, Cloud. Don’t forget that. And your friends in Wutai. And Aerith. She totally misses you by the way. She misses seeing your hair getting all frizzy,” Zack laughed lightly, while running the cloth across Cloud’s face and down his neck.

Cloud smiled at that. “My hair actually got as lot better with that humidity. I think being in Wutai helped. Being down there helped a lot of things actually.”

“That’s what I like to hear. Focus on the things you learned and your strengths.”

“My strengths…”

“Yeah. Like how driven and boneheaded you are,” Zack laughed.

Cloud chuckled. “Takes one to know one.”

Zack beamed down at him. “I’m not going to argue with that.”

Cloud felt so much better. He pushed a hand onto the back of Zack’s head and pulled him down into a gentle kiss.

They only pulled apart when Cloud had to move away for a yawn.

‘Alright, I hear you loud and clear, Sunshine. Time for bed.”

They rinsed off. Cloud got dressed while Zack stayed mostly naked and they snuggled down for the night. Cloud was pulled firmly against Zack’s chest, resting his face there, while Zack hummed soft tunes and ran his hand through Cloud’s hair.

It left Cloud feeling peaceful. Secure. Warm. Loved.

But he had uncomfortable dreams that night. 

He awoke drenched in cold sweat. His heart raced and he trembled all over. His chest burned. His back ached.

Cloud didn’t know where he was. All he knew was that he needed to run away, but he couldn’t… because he was being held fast.

Shushing sounds flooded him. A vice like grip held him. Saccharine scent made Cloud want to throw up. Choking whimpers lodged in his throat. 

Words filtered to Cloud’s panicked ears. Words which were calm and quiet. Delivered in a timbre which Cloud knew. One Cloud loved. His hyperventilating eased for a fraction of a second, allowing him to hear the words through his rasping.

“Cloud, Cloud, shhh, it’s alright. Sunshine. You’re safe. I promise.”

The nightmare dissolved. The vice like grip was but a gentle hold around his waist and the smell of sweat and warm sun filled his nostrils.

“Z-ack?” Cloud’s voice broke. It trembled. His heart was still racing uncomfortably.

“Yeah, it’s me. Just breathe, Cloud. Lets count.”

Zack counted for their in and out breaths. He hovered above Cloud, smiling down warmly at him. Stroking his arm and brushing hair out of Cloud’s face.

They were all loving touches Cloud never got in the past. They were all distinct _Zack_ mannerisms.

Cloud managed to get deeper breaths into his lungs. His heart thumped with a little _less_ force, but he still felt overcome. He still trembled.

“Zack, I’m so-”

“Shhhh. Don’t apologize. Tell me what you need. Tell me what you want.” Zack’s arm never stopped their soothing motion. It actually made Cloud's skin prickle with delight. 

Cloud chose to focus on that, instead of the harrowing tendrils of the nightmare which he couldn’t even remember anymore.

“I -I need to get up. I need to… go,” Cloud winced. He regretted having said that. How would Zack react?

“You want me to come with you? We can go for a walk around the workshop. We can go for a stroll down to Mega Moomba’s and get ourselves some burgers. I’m kinda feeling hungry anyway,” Zack grinned down at Cloud.

A small laugh shook out of Cloud. Damn, that felt good. “Yeah. I’d like that,” he nodded.

Zack didn’t pry. He didn’t ask what had happened. He only chatted to Cloud about what a blessing it was that a 24/7 burger joint had opened up a few blocks down the road a few months ago, as they walked through the cool night air.

Cloud really appreciated that.

* * *

 

Cloud didn’t go back immediately. He still had a life. He desperately wanted to keep the promise he had made to Zack and to himself. 

So Cloud focused on his business and on helping Denzel learn the trade. But Cloud also knew that going back to Sephiroth was a rather pressing issue. He didn't want to lose his cool and what little confidence he possessed. The biggest shame would be in needing Zack to accompany him through those doors again.

Cloud still felt weird about being too reliant on other people. He felt he was getting better at asking for help when he really needed it. But he also wanted to further strengthen that self reliance he had been working hard on cultivating over the last few years. Without it he would never have been able to look after Roxas, nor would he have been able to head to Nibelheim. 

He didn’t want to lose sight of the person he was working so hard at becoming.

Cloud tried to believe in himself. He thought hard about what he had accomplished for himself and for Roxas over the last six years. He built his pride and self belief up and then, with an encouraging pat form Zack on his back he stepped through those hospital doors a second time to meet Sephiroth with trembling dread.

The door opened and the sickening sweet tang wafted to Cloud’s nose.

“It’s so good to see you again, Cloud. But without a chaperone? How brave of you,” was the too familiar derisive tone that had eaten away at Cloud over the years.

The man swept aside to make way for Cloud to enter but Cloud hesitated.

“I don’t need anyone to look after me,” he said fiercely and glared at blue-green eyes.

“Oh Cloud, I beg to differ. The staff told me how often you would come around. How long you would sit outside, and all the times you literally ran away,” Sephiroth chuckled. “So stop pretending.”

It settled in Cloud’s stomach like a heavy rock. All that ran through Cloud's head was ' _Fuck_ ’.

He felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed at that very moment. Sephiroth was laughing at him. Cloud felt like a baby. He fought against his internal disgust. He wanted to be strong.

He stepped through the door. “I’m not scared of you. I don’t need anyone to face you.”

“Good.”

The coffee came out again and they sat much like they had done previously. 

The clock ticked sharp against the heavy silence. The coffee cooled and remained untouched.

Sephiroth began speaking when Cloud refused to initiate a conversation or even look at him.

“So you are in a _relationship_ with that man? Or was that kiss just for show?”

The interrogation had started. 

Cloud raised his eyes without lifting his head, “Yes.”

Sephiroth quipped an eyebrow and sneered and Cloud’s curt reply.

“Do you think he actually cares for you?”

“Yes.”

“But he’s let you come here - all by yourself.” Sephiroth cocked an eyebrow, “Unless of course he doesn’t know the full extent of our history.”

The words were like a knife plunged into Cloud’s stomach.

“He knows _everything_ ,” came the gritted response.

Sephiroth looked amused. His casualness and indifference to what he had done all those years ago made Cloud’s blood boil.

“And you still think he truly cares for you? How naive,” he said flatly.

“He believes in me. He trusts in me. He knows I can take care of myself, and he’s happy for me.” Cloud’s jaw clenched shut again. He couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice, much to his own irritation. He didn’t want to give that man anything. He didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of seeing Cloud angry or upset. But Cloud felt like he was letting himself down spectacularly.

“Is that what you tell yourself at night? Does it help you sleep?”

Cloud just rolled his eyes and huffed.

“How long have you two even been _together?_ ” he asked. The last word was dripping and drenched in as much sarcasm as he could probably muster.

“You’re not my parent, you’re not even my friend. You have no more role to play in my life so it’s none of your business,” was Cloud’s only defense.

“Hmm, interesting,” was the sharp response.

Cloud just looked confused. “What?” he spat.

“I just wonder why you have come to see me if I am no longer important in your life. Come in here once to show off what a great supportive and handsome young man you’ve somehow ended up with, I can understand. You want to rub my face in it. But come here a second time, sans your trophy and I am left to only believe one thing.”

Cloud had a revolting shudder run through him.

“He’s not a trophy,” he snapped, not wanting to talk about the thing Sephiroth obviously was fishing for.

Sephiroth cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. 

“I’m going to assume you two have been together for less than six months.” Sephiroth continued on with his own agenda. 

Cloud watched the man warily and with confusion around what the whole point of this was.

Sephiroth put his empty cup of tea down and relaxed back into his armchair. Arms spread over the armchairs back and long legs stretched out, tapping Cloud’s foot.

Cloud yanked himself away. It was bad enough having to be surrounded by Sephiroth's saccharine odor. Cloud could at least be in control of whether he was going to be touched, and he took full advantage of this freedom.

“You’re going to be all lovey-dovey at first. Of course you are. The first year is always the most exciting, isn’t that right, Cloud?” he punctuated his sultry words with a quirked eyebrow. “But then what happens when you get tired with each other? When he starts to see who and how you really are? When he begins to see that your insecurities aren’t fleeting? When he sees that your hang ups won’t ever go away? It will just be a repeat of the past - like with _us_.”

A gross shudder ran through Cloud’s body.

Sephiroth looked delighted.

“What Zack and I have is nothing like what you and I had,” defended Cloud.

“Oh no? Really? You don't confide in him? You don't seek comfort? You don't give yourself over to him willingly every night?” The man's voice had dropped to a low, bemused smoky whisper.

Cloud's heart was in his stomach. He wanted to run away. Why did it feel like he could never win?

“You are so predictable, Cloud.”

“Shut Up! I don't need to hear your bullshit.”

“Is that what you feel the past is? _Bullshit_?” Sephiroth said that word with disdain, as if it were below him to use such vulgar language.

“I’ve moved on from the past. I don't need to hear it.”

“It's cute that you tell yourself these things, Cloud. You were always so endearingly naive. And this is why I'm telling you the things you need to hear.”

“I don't need to hear anything you have to say,” repeated Cloud with heat.

“Yet here you are,” shrugged Sephiroth.

Cloud _hated_ that Sephiroth way playing him so well. Cloud also _hated_ that he was willingly taking this from the man. He could up and leave. But he wasn’t. He was almost transfixed.

“Despite what you might believe I will always be concerned for you. I promised your parents that I would look after you. So let me tell you something - He lets you come here now, hoping it will _fix_ something; hoping it will _fix_ you. Maybe you even believe that yourself. And it might work for a little while. But you always did have a hard time letting go, and nothing will ever change that. In the end you’ll always be fixated on _just one thing_.”

Cloud could almost hear the ‘ _me_ ’ implicated at the end.

“And he’ll get jealous when he sees that his experiment failed. He’ll demand things of you that you don’t want to do or give up doing. Hmm, he’s probably _already_ demanded things of you, all in the interest of ‘ _keeping you safe’_.” Sephiroth exhaled sharply through his nose in amusement as Cloud’s face tightened. 

“He’ll tell you it’s for your own good, when all he has are his own best interests at heart. And of course you’ll give in - because you want to please him. You’ve always been _so good at_ _pleasing_. That is why he’ll try and hold on to you, until he can find someone better.” Sephiroth sneered, which just twisted the knife in Cloud’s gut tighter.

“If you stay with him you’ll have ruined another good man. Do you really want that on your conscience?”

Cloud was trembling all over with anger and unshed tears. The scars on his back burned; the memory of every single one held in his mind as clear as day. The one on his chest itched - serving as a reminder that he never wanted to let Sephiroth see him cry ever again.

His chest always burned most bright. It had been the last one Sephiroth ever left on him. It had been the one to seal the deal and the one which drove Cloud to pack up his little brother late that night and to never look back.

“You don’t know shit!” Cloud raged hard.

Cloud got up to leave. Sephiroth didn’t move a muscle, but only called out, “I know how much you still want me, Cloud. That’s why you’ve come back.”

Cloud slammed the door shut behind himself, quivering with rage.

What did Sephiroth even know anyway? He didn’t know who Cloud was anymore, and other than what he had heard from Angeal, Sephiroth had never met Zack long enough to know him either. That madman’s steadfast assertions were wild and speculative allegations at best.

Cloud found himself locked in a bathroom. He couldn't go out and meet Zack in the state he was in. He couldn’t make Zack worry. He needed to be strong for the both of them… just how he had been able to be strong for Roxas and himself those years past.

He counted his breaths, like Zack had shown him. He focused on what he needed to do when he got back home. He tried to ignore the acrid smell of hospital disinfectant and the pungent saccharine odor which seemed to cling to Cloud.

When he felt less shaky he stepped back out into the world and walked towards where he knew his future to be.

Zack bounded over as soon as he had lain eyes on Cloud. The relief was clear as day on his face. Zack fell in line next to Cloud as they headed towards their bikes.

“Cloud! How’d it go?”

Cloud exhaled the tension. “Alright.”

“Did you get stuff sorted?”

Cloud shook his head and stopped abruptly.

Zack stumbled a little and pulled back to be at Cloud’s shoulder.

Zack’s heat was radiating off his body. Cloud felt drawn to it. The chill of the air conditioned environment he had been in still enveloped him. But he couldn’t lean against him. Cloud couldn’t let Zack know how much he needed him.

His stomach clenched tight as Zack’s arms tentatively crept around Cloud’s waist, in knowing.

In that moment Cloud hated himself and everything he was. He hated how predictable and obvious he was. He hated that he couldn’t be strong enough to not let Sephiroth phase him. His weakness felt deplorable.

“Can I give you a hug?” Zack asked cautiously.

Cloud’s stomach clenched even tighter, but this time with laughter.

Zack was already well and truly into a hug. His body was _almost_ flush against Cloud’s.

“Thanks for asking… I guess.”

“So can I?” Zack’s breath hit the nape of Cloud’s neck.

“Well you’re already here. Might as well.” The smile which had played and fluttered on Cloud’s lips settled in for the duration of Zack’s enormous hug.

* * *

 

Zack began fussing over Cloud in a distinct ‘ _caretaker_ ’ sort of a way. When work and mealtimes were done they relax and withdraw into their own space, leaving Denzel and Rupert to entertain themselves.

Zack had an array of activities for them to do. Light exercise, deep breathing and by far Cloud’s favorite - sitting between Zack’s legs being taught how to play the guitar. 

It helped Cloud sleep better at night. He still had raging nightmares. He still awoke drenched in sweat but it eased with time. Cloud was able to put the nightmares behind him quicker and get to sleep sooner.

Zack continued to wait for Cloud after his visits with Sephiroth. He was always at the ready to give hugs or distract Cloud in other ways.

“ _Hey, you wanna grab something to eat?_ ”

“ _While we’re here how about we go pick up something nice for the boys?_ ”

“ _You want to skip out on work and head over to the lakes? It’s so hot today. We can find a private area and go skinny dipping._ ”

Cloud, with time, grew tired of feeling bad about dragging Zack out to the hospital with him. So he worked hard on overcoming his body's reactions to being with Sephiroth. And it genuinely was getting better. With each passing visit his trembling decreased. The deep seated exhaustion grew a little less deep. 

He was able to get on with things more readily and managed to convince Zack to just let Cloud go alone.

“Alright. But if it ever gets worse you need to tell me. I really _don’t_ mind being out here with you, Cloud. It’s nice to be out of the office,” Zack had smiled.

“I know you don’t mind. But I also know that you chaperoning me _does_ leave you chasing up phone calls and puts you behind in your schedule. That makes me feel worse, Zack.”

“I really don’t care about that. You’re more important to me than -”

“You saying that doesn't make me feel better. I’m doing alright now. You know I’m doing alright. I’m even sleeping better. So I think it’s ok for you to let me come here by myself. And if I feel worse I’ll tell you.”

So with Cloud’s insistence Zack had reluctantly agreed upon a trial period.

Every time Cloud came back from what had turned into just another chore, Zack was always at the ready to greet him with a warm and all encompassing hug. The trademark ‘ _Welcome home, Cloud’_ would ring vibrantly through the warehouse. It always elicited a special kind of flutter within Cloud’s belly.

It chased away the vitriol which Cloud was left with from having spent time with Sephiroth.

Cloud never wanted Sephiroth to come between himself and Zack ever again. Cloud had enough of sacrificing his own happiness because of his internal, and external demons. He felt like so many years had been wasted on his insecurities. 

So Cloud tried to pay Sephiroth’s words no heed.

Despite having said he would share things more readily with Zack, Cloud still kept everything inside. He didn’t want to burden Zack with his own crap. He always told Zack, “ _Yeah, I’m fine,”_ when Zack checked in with him upon Cloud’s return to the warehouse. A lot of things rattled through Cloud’s head, but generally speaking Cloud thought himself as genuinely be fine. So it wasn’t like he was lying to Zack. He just didn’t share any details

Zack didn’t pry, which Cloud appreciated. He seemed content with Cloud’s answer as long as Cloud could prove to the both of them that he was functioning normally.

Zack trusted Cloud. 

It was an incredible feeling.

With the help of Zack’s gentle words, touches, and his warm and firm body next to Cloud’s at night, Cloud managed to keep afloat. The tendrils of his darkest dreams evaporated against Zack’s steady heartbeat. Cloud could enjoy himself feeling _normal_.

The stability and love he received from Zack was what enabled Cloud to go out into the world and face Sephiroth every time. If Zack hadn’t been there Cloud would have drowned a long time ago.

There was such a strong drive inside of Cloud to face that man. It was almost like a burning need. He still searched for some answers to the resentment and hatred he held toward Sephiroth. How had such a caring man turned into a monster? The part of him that cared and had difficulty letting go of the past wouldn’t let him rest until he gleaned some insight into the matter. 

So Cloud continued to visit the man. Not every day, but without fail twice a week during his lunchtimes. He wanted to immunize himself against the parasite that Sephiroth was in his life. He practised not holding on to the vitriol, brushing it off.

Cloud tried in desperation to understand the man. He tried to have civil conversations with him. But Cloud always got triggered by some small turn of phrase, the quirk of an eyebrow, or the sound of a derisive huff. 

Feelings of inadequacy stirred, especially when Sephiroth brought up the past.

“I wish you had never run away. You have no idea how hard that was on me.”

That small sentence alone got Cloud’s blood boiling but he swallowed it down. He always aimed for cool composure.

“You ever considered how _hard_ it was on _us_? You gave me no choice. How the hell could it have been hard for _you_?” he demanded. For some reason Cloud couldn’t succeed at the cool composure he was hoping for. But he hung in there, and tried to fish for some answers. Some light needed to be shed on the enigma that was the silver haired General.

“You took Roxas away from me.”

Cloud huffed. 

Somehow a lot of their conversations turned towards the topic of Roxas, and Cloud _hated_ that. He loved his brother. But Sephiroth always bringing him up always caused anger to rise. Why was it always _Roxas_ who was _so important_? Cloud felt that old sibling rivalry flair up in himself. He _knew_ what Sephiroth was trying to do. 

He shouldn’t have told Sephiroth about how much his relationship with Roxas had improved over the years. It had only given ammunition to the man to try and tear Cloud down.

That was the too familiar pattern. Anything good in Cloud’s life which wasn’t centred around Sephiroth would always become the target for harsh criticism.

Cloud refused to fall for it or listen to the man.

So he began to sit in silence with Sephiroth whenever the conversations turned towards his brother. It was a form of protest. A way for Cloud to take control of the uncomfortable situation he put himself willingly into.

He even started to drink the coffee just so he had something to occupy himself with. Sephiroth would hand him the beverage and Cloud began taking it from that man’s grasp. Whenever their fingers touched Cloud had a violent reaction. Almost like his nerve endings were trying to dislodge themselves and crawl away. 

Aside from the sickening touch he also felt bitter irritation. His coffee was always just the way he liked it. Not even Zack managed to pull that off every single time.

After several attempts over the weeks to goad some heated responses from Cloud, Sephiroth also stopped speaking, besides the socially polite ‘ _how do you do_ ’s. He finally got the hint that Cloud wasn’t going to play any longer. Both men just seemed weirdly content to sit in each other's presence. 

One day however Sephiroth made a proposal. 

The staff and volunteers at the hospital held weekly concerts and recitals. Sometimes there were even plays, mainly held for special occasions. Sephiroth wanted Cloud to come along since, “ _We sit in silence anyway, so we might as well do that while we watch something entertaining._ ”

Cloud had very reluctantly agreed, with the condition that he could bring Zack along.

The irritation on Sephiroth’s face was infinitely gratifying to see. He had acquiesced, but not without a final jab. “ _Do as you wish. Bring whomever you want. But just be warned. It might not be to his taste. He seems a little ‘simple’. It is a little disappointing. I always thought of you as having better taste in men.”_

It had sickened Cloud and he had left without further comment.

Cloud had felt furious at Sephiroth’s insinuations about Zack. He wanted to prove the man wrong. That was why Zack and Cloud arrived arm in arm, dressed in their best clothes one evening at the hospital auditorium. 

Cloud had wanted Zack to look his utmost best and to be at his most presentable. He wanted to show off the man he loved. He wanted to make Sephiroth jealous and hurt him. 

So Cloud had spent almost an hour trying to get Zack ready.

“Why are you fussing so much? This is the fifth shirt you’ve made me put on,” Zack had complained while diligently buttoning up a dark green shirt per Cloud’s request.

“It’s important we make a good impression,” he had stated matter of factly.

“Why?”

“I want Sephiroth to know what a great guy you are.”

Zack’s eyes had narrowed in skepticism.

“What’s it matter what he thinks of me? Why do I need to impress someone I can’t stand? All I care about is you, and you already know how great I am,” Zack had waggled his eyebrows and winked.

“I need him to know.”

“Why?”

Cloud had felt uncomfortable. “I don’t like the way he talks about you. Like you’re beneath me. Like I could do better.”

Zack had looked taken aback and hurt.

“You don’t feel that way about me, do you? You don’t think he’s right, right?” Zack had sounded nervous.

“Of course not!” Cloud defended vehemently. 

“Ok, good,”and Zack had sounded relieved. “I’ll try and leave a good impression, if it’s important to you.”

Cloud had eventually settled on the breezy dark green button down shirt, and had insisted Zack don on those dark wash skinny jeans which Cloud always found irresistible. 

Zack had warned him, “If I put these on we’re gonna be late for the play.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It doesn't take that long to get them on.”

“Oh Cloud... my Sunshine, my Cloudy Sunshine… you have no idea, do you?” Zack had purred.

“What?”

There had only been a wicked grin. 

Zack had asked Cloud to wear a sky blue shirt, ‘ _to bring out your eyes_ ’, and only then had he acquiesced to wearing the jeans.

There was a reason why Cloud wanted Zack to wear those jeans. He found Zack completely irresistible in them, and Cloud finally understood why they would run late.

They had stared at each other hungrily. All the tucking, touching and fussing had resulted in most of their clothes getting discarded again. Zack had trailed kisses everywhere and Cloud had groaned in pleasure as Zack fucked him up against their bedroom wall.

The pants were to blame for their tardiness. 

But they had still made it in the nick of time. The crowds were entering the impressive and large auditorium and taking their seats as the music began to play.

Finding Sephiroth wasn’t hard. He looked very regal in a flowing white blouse, stretched tight on his chest and hanging loose on his arms. Black leather pants left little to the imagination.

Disgustingly enough Cloud found him attractive.

Cloud could feel Zack’s arm, which had drifted down to his waist, pull Cloud a fraction closer to himself. But that gorgeous and warm smile never faltered as the two men greeted each other coolly.

“You’re late. Did you have trouble finding a car park?” admonished Sephiroth.

Zack stepped up to the plate, “Nothing as simple as that. We just got a bit lost in each other, if you catch my drift.”

Cloud felt mortified, especially when the cool wink came out in response to Sephiroth’s dangerously narrowing eyes.

He’d have to yell at Zack later. 

The music swelled, indicating that the show was about to begin. It freed Cloud from focusing on the embarrassment he was feeling.

They quickly found their seats and Cloud sat himself between the two of them, despite Zack offering to seat himself next to Sephiroth. Cloud wanted to shield Zack, as much as Zack wanted to shield Cloud.

The lights turned down, the stage lit up. Music from the orchestral pit rose and burst to life and the curtains fell away.

Cloud found Zack’s hand and took comfort in its heat and the familiar rough edges running across his smooth skin.

Cloud became engrossed in what was happening in front of himself. He was enjoying himself. The play itself was amusing. The production quality was quite high, especially for something which was run at a hospital, and the costumes and set designs were exquisite and inventive.

Cloud was enraptured by the stage direction and thoroughly enjoyed the way the orchestra accompanied and elevated the show to a whole nother level.

Despite Cloud being enraptured by the play, it did become incredibly difficult to tune out Sephiroth’s presence at some point. Especially when he saw Sephiroth’s smirk in his periphery. The man had caught sight of Zack, on the other side of Cloud. 

Zack had fallen asleep, his head lolling to the side and soft snores permeating the air during quieter moments in the play. Cloud felt completely humiliated and ashamed. 

Cloud continued to hold Zack’s relaxed hand. Even if the man wasn’t awake Cloud could still anchor himself to his presents. Zack could still serve as a distraction from focusing Sephiroth’s touches. The man shifted next to him from time to time. He would brush up against Cloud’s bare arm, causing Cloud to flinch every time. The touch burned his skin and the more it happened the more Cloud was certain Sephiroth was doing it on purpose.

The discomfort of the situation didn’t detract from how surreal the experience was. Cloud, after all, was sitting between his past and future.

Zack did wake up again towards the end of the final act. He gave a sheepish grin to Cloud and wiped at his mouth. Cloud felt inexplicably sad and disappointed. He shouldn’t have dragged Zack along to this. He had done the wrong thing for the wrong reason. There was nothing redeemable for Cloud to latch on to.

Once the play was finished and the lights filled the auditorium Sephiroth rose and said, “Cloud, I want you to meet someone,” in a commanding voice.

Cloud, out of instinct, obeyed, pulling Zack along with him. They were a fair bit behind Sephiroth as it was difficult to weave through the mass of people when one wasn’t graced with a natural height advantage and an air of great importance. Those two things just seemed to naturally part the sea of people in front of Sephiroth. Wherever he went it always seemed like he was in a greater rush than you, and thus it was your prerogative to get out of his way.

So Cloud had a hard time keeping up, particularly when Zack slowed down defiantly as they passed the banquet table. “Cloud, please - let me grab some of that! It smells so _good_!”

Cloud yanked on Zack’s arm, “C’mon Zack. You ever think with anything other than your stomach?”

“You know I do. I thought with little Zack before, which is why I’m so hungry now. Satisfying you is a big job,” he chuckled.

“Zack, please,” begged Cloud, at the height of embarrassment.

“Just go on without me. I’ll catch you right up. I’ll bring you a plate of something good.”

Cloud’s head ping-ponged between Zack and Sephiroth. He groaned, “Alright, but don’t take too long.”

Zack planted a kiss on Cloud’s cheek. “I’ll be with you in a moment, Sunshine,” and dashed off to raid the table before all the best and most popular dishes were completely gone.

Cloud was able to weave through the crowd more effectively without dragging Zack along behind himself. He found Sephiroth bee-lining towards a large crowd near the stage doors.

He caught up to Sephiroth, somewhat breathlessly.

“It looks like you lost your guard dog to the lure of food. What a shame that he seems so disobedient,” chuckled Sephiroth quietly.

“We never got a chance to eat before we left because we were _busy_ ,” growled Cloud.

An appalled huff left Sephiroth’s throat and they were nearly upon the throng of people before them.

The crowd seemed to consist of the actors from the play, but also some stage hands, lighting crew and the orchestra conductor. Everyone seemed to be hovering around, and admiring a tall man with auburn hair.

The man at the center of everyone's attention took notice of Sephiroth approaching. The smile he had been wearing only grew broader with beaming fondness. He seemed to excuse and extricated himself from the throng of people. 

“Sephiroth!”

“Genesis!”

The two men shared a very warm embrace and Sephiroth kissed the man on his cheek as they pulled apart.

Genesis seemed surprised for a moment before speaking.

“Aren’t you feeling affectionate this evening,” came the man’s light laugh. “You are looking very fetching tonight.” 

“As do you, Genesis,” Sephiroth’s smokey voice breathed.

Cloud noted the way both men were eyeing each other off. Some strange heat and tightness stirred in Cloud’s stomach.

“I am so very glad that you were able to make it to my little production. And you brought a friend as well?” The man’s smile somehow managed to widen even more as he looked over towards Cloud.

“Of course. I do keep company outside of you,” said Sephiroth with some bemusement. He turned to Cloud to start the introductions. “This man is the heart and soul of all creative works that happen in this establishment.” Sephiroth stated proudly, while wrapping his arm around Genesis’ waist and pulling him closer towards Cloud.

“Really? You put this whole thing together?” Cloud was somewhat impressed.

“Well with the help of the cast and crew and and a myriad of volunteer groups from around the hospital.” Genesis looked rather self satisfied.

“Hey, hey! I’m back! What’d I miss?” beamed Zack as he lightly bounded up to and halted at Cloud’s side.

Zack handed a plate laden with chicken nuggets, spinach puffs and salad to Cloud. “Here, I thought you might like something green on your plate.” 

Cloud took it with appreciation and looked at Zack’s own harvest. It was brimming and piled high with meats and pastries. Both of the sweet and savory variety. “Maybe you should have gotten some greens for yourself as well,” suggested Cloud. 

Zack just gave a loud cheerful “Nah,” and popped a cocktail sausage into his mouth.

“So, really, what I miss?” inquired Zack, turning his gaze towards Sephiroth and the stranger.

“We were just doing introductions,” said Sephiroth with disgust in his voice at seeing Zack stuffing his face.

“Genesis Rhapsodos,” the auburn haired man introduced himself. He stuck an elegant hand out towards Zack, who took it warmly, grinning through a mouthful of food.

“Zack Fair.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you,” Genesis said with warmth and then turned his eyes onto Cloud.

“And this?”

Cloud put on his best smile and he went to take Genesis’ hand in greeting.

“This is my boyfriend,” Zack boasted.

Pleasant shivers ran through Cloud’s body at hearing Zack introduce him like that. ‘ _Boyfriend_ ’ - Cloud never had one of those - nor had he ever been one either. He would have loved to linger on those thoughts and the ramifications of everything it meant, but as Zack told Genesis Cloud’s name, the warm and amicable handshake suddenly turned stiff, and Cloud felt the grip tightened ever so slightly before they disengaged.

Genesis’ smile was still fastidiously in place, yet Cloud got the impression that the other man wanted to frown very badly.

“Again it is a pleasure to meet you,” Genesis said amicably, but only looked at Zack. 

Cloud was not happy about this. “Zack, Genesis was just telling me about how he worked on putting this whole production together.”

“You? Really?”

Genesis just smiled.

“Genesis is a man of many talents. He also heads the research department.”

“My forte is genetics. However my true purpose and passions have always lain amidst the arts. _Royal Hope Gardens_ has one of _the_ best performing arts budgets, which makes this place my dream come true.”

“You worked really hard on making that budget stretch and grow though, Genesis.”

As Sephiroth continued to sing his praise for the other man Genesis smiled at him with a great deal of fondness.

Cloud felt a little bit nauseated at how _sweet_ Sephiroth was being and couldn’t wait for them to be able to go home. But the evening just seemed to stretch on and on.

“But come now, Sephiroth, let us not bore your guests with such talk. I am curious to know how you enjoyed the production.”

Sephiroth drew closer to Genesis, slung his arm around the other man and casually asked, “Yes, how _did_ you enjoy the play, Zack?” The mock was evident in his face.

Cloud wanted to fall off the edge of the world with how uncomfortable he was feeling right now. He had completely lost his appetite, but attempted to nibble on a nugget to give him something to do.

“Oh it was awesome! Who does the costumes?”

“They were all designed by myself, though we have a sewing group in the hospital who then create the garments out of whatever scraps are given or get donated.”

“You get a lot of it is from thrift stores, too?”

“Some of the more elaborate pieces, yes. I work on those myself to help embellish and really make them stand out.”

“Amazing. What about the set dressing? Who’s in charge of planning that out?”

“Me as well,” boasted Genesis. He seemed to enjoy Zack’s enthusiasm.

Cloud’s appetite returned as he listened to Zack and Genesis talk about the finer details of stage production. Zack might have fallen asleep but he had also paid attention when he _had_ been awake.

His heart swelled with pride as he listened to Zack telling Genesis about all the productions the children at the church were planning. Genesis gave Zack some pearls of wisdom around working within a constrained budget and making the most out of it through creative use of lighting and thin fabrics.

Cloud thought Sephiroth looked somewhat disgruntled that those two were able to have a highly productive conversation.

That was immensely satisfying.

Zack had finished eating all his food, while enraptured and nodding eagerly at Genesis’ ideas. His now free arm had wrapped around Cloud’s waist and his hand had worked it’s way underneath Cloud’s shirt. Tender fingers traced small, warm circles along the soft and sensitive skin of Cloud's lower abdomen.

Zack’s actions seemed to draw Sephiroth closer to Genesis. He asked prying questions in some sort of a bid to paint Zack in a bad light. When that didn’t seem to be working he began ignoring Zack completely. And while Sephiroth was ignoring Zack, Cloud got the distinct vibe that Genesis was working very hard at avoiding Cloud.

Cloud’s discomfort only grew.

But eventually, much to his relief, Genesis bade them all a goodnight and encouraged them to come along to all future productions.

As Genesis exited, the remaining three men shifting uncomfortably now that the only reason to appear civil towards each other had left them alone.

Cloud stifled a yawn, but Zack took it as a reason to leave. 

“Well it looks like that’s our cue to get out of here. Need to get Cloud to bed. We’ve got very busy days ahead of us. Thanks for inviting us. Genesis had some really fantastic ideas. I can’t wait to pass it all on to Aerith,” beamed Zack. “It was fun! Ciao, Seph,” he let fly casually. 

Zack waved at him with one hand, and maneuvering Cloud towards the doors with his other. That hand had been firmly planted around Cloud’s hips. Zack had even sunk himself deep into Cloud’s front jeans pocket, where he had been fondly stroking Cloud’s thigh for the last 10 minutes.

Cloud was fully aware of what had transpired between his past and his future that whole evening. Zack and Sephiroth had battled each other in two very distinct ways. And it had made him deeply uncomfortable. 

Cloud was so relieved to be leaving. He could easily decipher the disdain in Sephiroth’s eyes and he felt bad for it as they left.

* * *

 

Once they were out amongst fresh air Cloud rounded on Zack. “What the hell was that in there?”

“What?” Zack questioned innocently.

“You know what,” Cloud pouted somewhat.

“No I don’t. Tell me.” Zack’s hands landed on Cloud’s waist and they looked at each other.

“Why did you have to tell Sephiroth about us… you know...”

“I didn’t say anything. I just… _implied._ ”

Cloud frowned. “Why?”

“Because it’s none of his business why we aren’t there right on the dot when _he_ expects us. We’re adults and we can do whatever we want.”

“But it was embarrassing. You embarrassed me, Zack. You… fell asleep… ,” Cloud’s eyes drifted. He felt awful. Why was he being such a dick to Zack?

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Zack sulked. “Well, the falling asleep part anyway.”

Hands left Cloud’s sides, leaving him feeling inexplicably cold.

This was stupid. His past was coming in between them again. Cloud’s eyes snapped up defiantly. He threw his arms around Zack and pulled the man close against himself.

“I’m sorry,” Cloud muffled against Zack who’s arms were once again around Cloud. “You did good. I’m sorry I dragged you out here.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. I had a good time, really. But yeah… just… a little bit sleepy from no food and some really great sex.”

Cloud’s face heated up, and desire fluttered through his core. He pulled back from Zack, took his hand and lead the way back to their bikes slowly.

“You and Genesis seemed to get on really well.”

Zack beamed a massive grin. “That was a really amazing opportunity to grill someone like that. Oh! Oh! I need to flick Aerith an e-mail before I forget all that stuff!” 

Zack rambled on with great enthusiasm all the way to their bikes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot how much of an asshole I wrote Sephiroth as being, lol. That actually surprised me reading through this again. And this chapter also introduces Genesis. Now... I _have_ played Crisis Core but I don't remember much of anything about Genesis and how he is. So I hope you won't get offended if he dips into OOC land once in a while, especially with how he talks. I imagine him quite pompous and flowery.


	12. Swallowed By The Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger Warning** \- Trauma. Non-con. Unhealthy stuff happening. Read with care.

Something seemed to shift and change after the night out with Sephiroth. The mocking sneer, which Cloud was always greeted with when he arrived at Sephiroth’s room, disappeared. Instead it was replaced with something akin to sincerity and a genuine joy at seeing Cloud.

The first day Cloud had seen that smile it had nearly scared him to death. That smile stirred something within Cloud. It was a small flutter in the pit of his stomach which Cloud only wanted to ever associate with Zack.

Sephiroth turned more attentive. The snide and sarcastic remarks vanished and Sephiroth tried to engage Cloud in topical and interesting discussions. Roxas was never mentioned and Cloud felt himself get willingly sucked into the conversations.

_“How are you doing today, Cloud? Is business going well?”_

_“As good as can be expected. I finally figured out what the matter was with the old clunker I’ve been trying to get working for the last three weeks.”_

“Was it the ignition system?”

_“No, the carburettor. I told you it wouldn’t be the ignition.”_

_“So you did,”_ Sephiroth chuckled softly.

Things were _really_ pleasant. 

Cloud, resentfully, began enjoying his time spent with Sephiroth. It became easier and easier to see his good qualities. Just like how Cloud had wanted.

It terrified Cloud some days. Where before the hours ticked by painfully slow they now flew by and sometimes Cloud even lost track of time.

He even noticed that his chest had stopped burning and itching so much at some point.

Cloud sighed over a mug of perfectly brewed coffee one day.

“What’s the matter, Cloud?” Sephiroth husked smoothly.

“Why couldn’t we be like this from the start?” Cloud muttered.

“Hmm?

“Why did you have to be so nasty to me, Seph? What’s changed?” Shimmering blue locked onto cool blue-green, wondering if he would actually receive a response for once.

Sephiroth had a bad habit of not answering the questions he didn’t want to, deflecting onto other topics. Cloud _hated_ that.

“Be honest with yourself, Cloud. You came to my doorstep with hurt and anger in your heart. You would never have been able to accept meeting anything but the monster you had made me out to be. So I played the part.”

“That’s not true. I wanted to see the good in you.”

“Are you certain? I was generous and hospitable, but you treated me with hostility. Why?”

Cloud had no answer to give. He only frowned.

“It is easier to hate and to be angry. It’s what made you come back at first. You needed to get that anger out. So I let it run its course.”

Was that really true? Had Cloud been blindsided by his hatred for the man? He just frowned.

“I extended an olive branch, and you accepted, allowing us to move in a different - more civil - direction. We can build something from this point onward, if that is what you want,” Sephiroth finished coolly.

Cloud’s heart quickened.

He started to think that Sephiroth was right. He had been unreasonable, tainted by awful memories of the past.

“So - you’ll be nice to me if I’m nice to you?” Cloud ventured, seeking some clarity.

Sephiroth nodded plainly.

Cloud wanted to try.

Sephiroth invited Cloud more often than not to go and watch recitals and rehearsals at the hospital auditorium. 

Cloud had invited Zack along for a while, but he had stopped after a few more times of witnessing the uncomfortable exchanges between Zack and Sephiroth. Cloud didn’t think it was fair on… well either of the two men in Cloud’s life. He knew they didn’t like one another. And Zack was too busy to be wasting his time at the hospital anyway. Cloud couldn’t ask that sacrifice of Zack any longer. Mainly because he knew Zack would say ‘ _yes’_ if Cloud asked it of him.

So Cloud went alone with Sephiroth over lunchtimes. 

Stimulating conversation were had between the two of them, and it was nice being able to focus on something other than the horrible history which Cloud shared with this man. 

This could be rebuilt. It stirred flutters, and an alien optimism swelled in Cloud’s heart.

Sephiroth would also sometimes take Cloud to Genesis’ research facility. Cloud got the impression that Sephiroth wanted both of them to get along. He supposed Sephiroth hadn’t been oblivious to the discomfort both men shared when they were in each others company.

They seemed to be left alone with each other more often lately. Sephiroth would excuse himself, saying he was going to find them some refreshments, or saying he had an appointment with a psychologist. It always left them sitting in awkward silence. 

Cloud tried to be friendly and speak about Genesis’ productions or poetry recitals. The man appeared to enjoy nothing more than to give recitals of his favorite poetry every chance he got. Cloud was always amazed with what passion and gusto Genesis delivered the words. So Cloud spoke about that with the man.

The praise seemed to have the desired effect in softening Genesis up, bit by bit. One day Cloud even felt bold enough to ask the question which burned in his mind the most.

“Why don’t you seem to like me?”

“It is not that I do not like you, Cloud. It is that I do not like what you do to Sephiroth.”

It was a slap in the face, and completely stunned him.

“Sephiroth arrived here almost three years ago. It was a chaotic time with the media swarming and pestering everyone. We were on lockdown, much to my irritation, as it exceedingly hampered my creative endeavours. I went and met with Sephiroth, wishing to know what was so important about this man, to cause such an uproar.”

“What I found was an amicable, kind, intelligent man. I never understood why he had even admitted himself. But I was glad for his company. We grew close and he felt like he could confide in me. He told me all that ails him, then and now,” Genesis cocked a derisive eyebrow at Cloud. 

“He told me once of how he had loved someone without ever realizing it, until it had been too late.”

Discomfort swirled around Cloud as he thought of his father and Sephiroth and the words Barret had spoken. Cloud had lost sight of that piece of history until that moment brought it all back to him. Somehow Genesis reaffirmed the dreadful suspicions Cloud didn’t want to acknowledge.

“I told him that love is one of the most mysterious gifts of the Goddess, and that he should not berate himself for not having seen it at the time.”

“As in Act I of _Loveless_ -” Genesis seemed to grow a little taller and his gaze drifted off, seeing something far away and lost in the past.

“ _Infinite in mystery is the gift of the Goddess_  
 _We seek it thus, and take to the sky._  
 _Ripples form on the water's surface_  
 _The wandering soul knows no rest.”_

Genesis let the words hang in the air with dramatic effect. Cloud had learned from past experience that he was a bit eccentric; quite often getting caught up in his own passion’s. This seemed to be one of those times.

Cloud had found that it was best to just let Genesis ride out his moments.

“His past hurts and wounds so often resonate with me,” continued the vibrant and impassioned voice.

_“My Friend, your desire_  
 _Is the bringer of life, the gift of the Goddess._  
 _Legend shall speak of sacrifice at World’s End._  
 _The wind sails over the water's surface_  
 _Quietly, but surely…_ ”

“Sephiroth had seen into the eye of World’s End. He had fought it. His entire life dedicated and unwittingly spent training and preparing for that moment. He so often has told me how willing and ready he was to sacrifice himself. He would put his life on the line so that our world could continue.” Genesis’ head sunk, as if in deep reflective pain.

Cloud had listened to Genesis recite _Loveless_ countless times. He even listened to Sephiroth recite it from time to time. Cloud had never thought of it in the context of Sephiroth’s life.

Genesis’ voice rang clear through the still laboratory. “But in his stead the one he held most precious, the one who was his gift from the Goddess, perished. It left him hollow and broken.”

Heavy nausea grew inside, tightening Cloud’s chest. Breathing became difficult. Again the notion that Sephiroth loved his father was brought up. It couldn’t be true.

“He was showered with accolades. The title he bears, _The Great General_ , a sharp stab to an ever bleeding wound, which will never heal. His is a life of tragedy. He was imprisoned by the military, because the Goddess had forsaken him early on in his life. Every time he thought he caught a glimmer of the gift it faded away once more.”

A chill ran through Cloud. Whether it was the cold of the laboratory, Genesis’ eccentricities, or something resonating within Cloud, he couldn’t tell.

“What’s all this got to do with me?” pipped up Cloud meekly. He had come here seeking one answer. He detested being given _more_ questions.

“Act III of _Loveless_ can bring us closer to understanding the disdain I feel toward you.”

_“As the war sends the world hurtling towards destruction_   
_The prisoner departs with his newfound love_   
_And embarks on a new journey._

_He is guided by hope that the gift will bring bliss_   
_And the oath that he swore to his friends._

_Though no oath is shared between the lovers,_  
 _In their hearts they know they will meet again,”_ Genesis finished, with a very hard look resting on Cloud.

Cloud swallowed hard. He didn’t really understand but an unbearable pain ran through his body. His eyes began stinging.

“Despite all the pain and tragedy he had to endure Sephiroth soldiered on, for that is which he has been trained to do. I am _very_ fond of the man. It has pained me to see how fixated he has become ever since you returned into his life,” finished Genesis flatly.

Cloud had been rendered speechless, which was just as well since Sephiroth returned with a tray of snacks and refreshments, forcing the conversation to end.

* * *

 

Cloud mulled Genesis’ words over in his head for a very long time after that afternoon in the laboratory. Cloud understood one thing clearly; They both wanted the best for Sephiroth. 

Hearing how much pain he had been through only cemented the resolve Cloud held at wanting to fix things. After all, he had said it so himself to Roxas once upon a time; - ‘ _Life messes us up enough as is, without people adding to those problems’_. Cloud didn't want to be a problem for anyone ever again.

Cloud started working on having an amicable relationship with Genesis. He would go to the hospital more frequently to spend time with the man. But Genesis seemed to become suspicious.

“What do you hope to gain by coming here?”

They had been talking about a large scale sequencing project Genesis was involved with, when the subject had been abruptly changed.

“Gain?” Cloud was a bit flustered. His mind was still on trying to comprehend Genesis’ explanation of what he was currently working on. Something about a large scale sequencing project.

He just blinked.

“Answer the question, please,” were the terse words.

“Ah - I just… want to get to know you better. I get the feeling Sephiroth would like us to get along.”

Genesis breathed in slowly. “I must confess that he has told me such. He wishes for us to develop amicable relations with one another. He senses the discomfort we harbor towards one another.”

Cloud scoffed internally. The ‘ _discomfort_ ’ was glaringly obvious even to a visually impaired person.

“You know, I thought a lot about what you said,” Cloud began, warily. “I don’t want to make matters worse. I don’t want to cause any trouble - I just - really want to understand Sephiroth. And - since you two seem to be really close I thought it would be a good idea to get to know you too. I get that you’re important to him. So us being friends is important.” Cloud forced out a smile, hoping his attempt at flattery would work.

“Why are you hoping to endear yourself to Sephiroth?”

Another harsh stab. Cloud was really _trying_ to be friendly. Sometimes it really grated his nerves. 

“I’m - not.”

Genesis’ eyes narrowed. “Are you certain that you are not after his affections?”

Cloud choked on his own saliva. 

“I love Zack. He is my whole world. I have no intention of _ever_ being with Sephiroth,” Cloud spat with ferocity in his voice.

Genesis considered his words for a while.

Being around Genesis was exhausting some days. The floral language, the riddles and innuendos bothered Cloud. He just wanted a straight shooting conversation. 

“Is that what you’re so worried about?” 

“I worry for Sephiroth. I worry for what you do to him. I wish to keep him safe.”

“I’m not going to _do_ anything to him.” Cloud spoke with heat. He felt affronted and insulted. The notion that _he_ could hurt that man in any way after what Sephiroth had done to _him_ seemed ridiculous. If anything Cloud was the one person in the world who _deserved_ to hurt him. But he thought better than telling Genesis that. 

Cloud attempted to quell his outrage. It wouldn’t help in this particular situation. “I don’t want to hurt him, Genesis. I have no interest in him - other than to learn how I can move on from him. Please believe me.”

“Spending time with him will do this for you?”

“I hope so,” Cloud said quietly.

Cloud was met with another hard look.

“Very well then. It will lighten Sephiroth’s day to know we are able to function as a harmonious unit.”

* * *

 

Cloud had more reasons to visit the hospital now. He extend his time there ever so slightly. Cloud even started going with Sephiroth to evening performances and events at the hospital.

Cloud felt pleased about his ability to face the pain from the past, alone. 

He loved and cherished Zack, but he was glad to not need him to face his demon all the time. Cloud even began feeling _thankful_ to Sephiroth. Somehow he felt he was proving something to himself by spending time with the monster of his past. He could possibly heal. He hoped to rise beyond the hatred, loathing and all the ugly things inside himself; not all of which were directed towards Sephiroth.

Cloud had returned from spending an evening with Sephiroth and Genesis. Zack had greeted him the same way he always did. “ _Welcome home, Cloud,_ ” followed by a warm hug and rub. But Cloud had slunk off due to weary exhaustion after that.

Zack hovered around. Cloud felt uncomfortable.

“ _Do you need anything?_ ”

“ _You want me to grab you a snack?_ ”

“ _Cloud…_ ”

Cloud had just waved Zack off, like he usually did. But that resulted in a lot of exasperated huffs.

Zack was sighing a lot more of late. It bothered Cloud.

An uncomfortable current of unease brewed over the last few days. Cloud sat himself down on their bed to get ready for some much needed sleep. Zack sat himself down on the other side. He erupted into a wellspring of excessive loud sighs.

“What’s wrong, Zack?” ventured Cloud as he threw on his sleeping shirt.

Zack’s face was drawn unusually tight and thin. His eyes drifted over their bed sheets before eventually coming to settle on Cloud.

“Why are you spending so much time going out to see him?”

“We just went to see a play,” responded Cloud, quite dumbfounded at what the issue was. To Cloud it seemed no different to what he had been doing over the last two weeks, and Zack had seemed fine about the situation up until now.

“Is that what’s been bothering you? Is that why you’ve been moping?” Cloud sighed. He was so tired, and grumpy. Irritation rose. Why was this an issue?

“You’ve been out with him almost every day of the week. I thought evenings were for you and me.”

“I haven’t been to see him that much,” Cloud denied sternly.

Zack just cocked an eyebrow. “Monday you went and saw him for lunch. You came back two hours late. Then on Tuesday you went out in the evening - and on Wednesday too. Thursday you saw him again for lunch, and then you went _back_ in the evening for another play. And now you’re starting to spend weekends there as well. It’s like I never see you anymore.”

Cloud opened his mouth to respond, but he had nothing. When Zack put it that way Cloud could see that he might have been spending a lot more time at the hospital than he thought. Sephiroth _had_ been asking Cloud to come around a lot, it was true. 

Cloud felt hurt though. “Why’re you keeping a record of my comings and goings? I don’t like that, Zack. You’ve never been like this.”

“Trust me, Cloud. I don’t want to be like this either. I don’t like noticing your absence. I don’t like you telling me you’ll be home at a certain time and then not showing up until hours later. But I never complain, do I? I never demand an explanation. But that doesn't mean I’m ok with this. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn-”

“You don’t have to be jealous,” Cloud interrupted.

Zack scoffed. “Why not?”

Cloud’s mouth drifted open in shock. “You know what -,” he choked on the thought.

“Yeah, and that’s why I don’t get it. I don’t know why you are over there so much.”

Cloud’s eyes narrowed in thought, “Genesis doesn’t work on the weekends. I’m just keeping Sephiroth company because he’s got no one,” Cloud muttered.

Zack looked at him incredulously.

Cloud realized too late how ridiculous that sounded even to himself.

“You promised me you wouldn’t let this interfere with your life. You promise me that you wouldn’t stop doing the things you loved doing - and that was supposed to include me.”

There was no trace of a cheeky smile or even a wink, where usually there would have been. 

Their intimacy had drained away. Cloud recognized that. He just felt too tired and weary when he came home. 

“You know how tired I get. I’m up at the crack of dawn, and busy all day and then when I come back home it’s… I just feel worn out.”

“And why do you have to get up at the crack of dawn, Cloud, hmm?”

Cloud lowered his head. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like Zack being like this.

Zack answered for Cloud. “It’s because you have to get all your work done before you go out to the hospital for lunch. And then you race back here, work like a maniac only to dash off again in the late afternoon.”

Zack’s words weren't accusatory. He sounded hurt though. It dug into Cloud’s heart. He burned holes into the mattress with his hard and thoughtful stare.

“I admire your work ethic, you know that. But you’ve spread yourself really thin lately. You tell me your tired but -.”

“But?” Cloud asked in dread, braving a glance at Zack.

“But… sometimes I don’t even believe it.” Zack’s face scrunched up bitterly. “I think it’s something else, and I’m scared about that.”

Cloud felt kicked in the gut. “What?” he croak. 

“You always used to have time and energy for me, Cloud. Remember that old mustang you fixed up for that couples wedding? You worked on it all day _and_ night to get it finished in time. You worked so hard, but boy, how you rode me when you were done that following morning.”

“I miss _that_ Cloud,” Zack breathed gently, and reached out across the bed. He ran his hand down Cloud’s arm. “You always found it in yourself to make space for me. You always had room for _us_. But not anymore.”

Cloud winced. He couldn't look at Zack.

“Why can’t you say ‘ _no’_ to the guy? Evenings are supposed to be for _us_ , Cloud, remember? I sleep with you every night but I really miss you anyway.”

The sorrow in Zack’s voice made Cloud glance up. But he really wished he hadn’t. 

Zack looked so hurt.

Cloud’s heart began pounding in his chest uncomfortably. The pang of guilt flooded his insides, making him feel ill and stuck out at sea.

Cloud had put that sad expression on Zack’s face. He wanted to cry with how bad he felt.

“And you know it’s not about the sex. It’s about you not being in this relationship with me. You’ve jumped ship.”

Cloud wanted to try and explain himself. He owed Zack that much.

“I haven’t,” Cloud grabbed at Zack’s hand which had stilled on his upper arm. “You will always be the most important person in my life, Zack.”

“It doesn't feel like it,” Zack huffed in a small voice, casting eyes to the bed.

“I - I don’t know how to make you understand. I don’t know how to explain myself.”

“Just try,” came encouragement alongside a pained smile.

“I -. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance. I can make things right.”

“Why do you have to make things right? He’s the one who -.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Cloud interjected with some ferocity. Anger tinted his words.

His hand drifted away from Zack’s. Cloud just sat on the edge of their bed, trying to figure out how he could justify his actions.

When Cloud wasn’t forthcoming with words Zack began speaking, “You’re making things right, but at what and whose expense, Cloud?”

Cloud’s throat felt like it was constricting. His eyes stung. He wanted to run away. He didn’t want to face this discomfort.

“Please look at me,” Zack begged in a brittle tone.

Cloud did, eyes shimmering.

“You told me you needed to make peace with your past. I get that. I’ve struggled with my own miseries, so I know how it can sometimes haunt you. But making peace doesn’t mean reliving it. You’re the one who told me that the past is in the past. So why can’t you be here with me, in the present? Why is one foot always stuck behind you, in what once was?”

“But you _don’t_ understand, Zack. Your parents are still alive. You have them, you can talk to them about anything and everything. But I don’t have that. I have so many things I want to talk to them about. I have so many things I feel I need to atone for, but they aren’t here. I can never fix that. But Sephiroth _is_ here -.”

Zack’s hand fell away from Cloud and he snapped, “Is that why you’re spending all your free time with him? To make up for lost time? What about the _lost_ time you and I have accumulated? That’s because of _him_ , or have you forgotten that? When will you make that up to _me_?” 

It was said too loud. It hurt too much.

Silence fell for a while.

“I'm not comfortable with him anywhere near you, Cloud. It makes me sick thinking you _actually_ want to spend time with him. I just don't get it.”

“What about you and Axel?” Cloud tried desperately. “I know how much he irritated you. I know how seeing him tortured you, but you still hung out with him.”

“That’s completely different,” Zack spat, still too angry. “That’s all on me and how I see things and the responsibility I feel. It’s -,” he simmered down, adding in a low mutter, “about how I feel I failed Angeal.”

“It's not different then. It's exactly the same. I failed Sephiroth. I have to live with that. I am trying to come to terms with _how_ I can live with that. Same as you.”

“That's ridiculous.”

“It's not!”

“Clou-”

“No! I told you that you wouldn't understand and I was right.”

Both men glared at each other.

Zack huffed out a sharp breath and began in a gentle tone, “You wanted me to tell you when you’re getting lost. Well I’m _telling you_ \- you are becoming lost, Cloud. You are getting swallowed up. He’s trying to _steal_ you away from me.” 

“He’s not ste-,” Cloud started defensively, but a look from Zack caused him to shut his mouth. Deep down he knew he was kidding himself.

“You’re smart, Cloud. You know what’s going on. I don’t want you to turn a blind eye to it. I want you to see it and be aware of it. Because I don’t want him to win. And yeah, a part of me is being selfish and jealous. But the other part of me really worries about you. He’s no good for you.”

Cloud’s eyes grayed over with thoughts.

Every time his past and future had been together in a room they had vied over Cloud in subtle and not so subtle ways. It was partly why Cloud hadn’t been able to bring Zack along. Zack was possessive over Cloud’s body, almost like he was marking his territory, causing irritation within Sephiroth. And Sephiroth had retaliated by bringing up some anecdote from the past, trying to make Zack jealous. Hammering the point in that _he_ had known Cloud for longer. That _he_ had always been there when Cloud had needed support the most. 

Cloud wasn’t stupid. He wasn't oblivious to how the two men had battled each other. He appreciated Zack believing in him and trusting that Cloud could see it.

But Cloud felt unable to stop it.

Because the other thing that Sephiroth did - which was by far the most disturbing - was that Sephiroth would be really sweet to Cloud. Or he’d try to make Cloud jealous by how he was being with Genesis. That alarmed Cloud because it was actually working. 

That man’s change of tact had lured Cloud. Sephiroth had even begun touching him and Cloud didn’t mind. Their fingers brushed when coffee mugs exchanged hands. Shoulders and arms breathed, and of late, more firmly pressed together as they sat next to each other. 

Cloud’s heart had begun thumping melodically when they were close together.

When Sephiroth wasn't being hateful and hurtful - when he _was_ like the man that Cloud remembered him to be - that was when Sephiroth was at his most potent. It was those moments when Cloud lost himself and no longer knew what he actually wanted. 

Cloud really had a hard time saying _‘no’_ to Sephiroth when he was being warm and loving. All the stuff from the past also came up in Cloud’s mind - all the knowledge of what Sephiroth had been through - all of it discolored how Cloud thought and felt about the man. All of it made him feel terrible. All of it made him want to make amends - smooth things over - fix things.

“Cloud -.”

He heard his name called softly. It pulled Cloud back out from the murky depths of his mind. He looked at Zack, who was still waiting for Cloud to make up his mind. Waiting for Cloud to make a decision. Zack was always waiting for him.

A dreadful feeling engulfed Cloud as he suddenly remembered the words that Sephiroth had uttered to him, what was probably a month ago now.

_‘But you’ll have ruined another good man’._

It choked him and twisted his guts. Cloud felt ill.

It was like all the bad things Sephiroth had stipulated about Zack were coming true. Zack was only playing along with Cloud’s wishes because he desperately hoped that Cloud could move beyond his past. Zack was waiting for Cloud with all the patience he could probably muster. But it was wearing thin. How long would Zack continue to wait for Cloud? How long before he would aban -.

Cloud tried to let go of that thought. Zack would never do that. He bit his lip. He breathed deep.

The worst part about this whole situation was that it was Cloud’s fault. He _was_ ruining and making Zack miserable. He was forcing this reaction out of Zack because of his own hangups. 

“You’re right,” he squeaked out. “I am becoming lost.” Cloud winced against the awful tears which had begun spilling out. He hated this the most about himself. “I’ll do better, Zack. I promise. You are everything to me. You’re where I see my future. Sephiroth is the past, and I need to let go of it. I do know that. I’m sorry that I’m taking so long to sort out my mess.”

Cloud felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Zack’s compassionate but woefully pained face gazing back at him.

Zack’s breath rattled as it left his chest. “I just want you to do what’s right for you, Cloud. Don’t rush anything - but also don’t get sucked into his manipulations and lies. The relationship you two have isn’t normal. It’s not healthy. I just want you to see that and think about that stuff when you make decisions for what’s best for you.”

There he was again, willing to wait. Cloud felt bitter and frustrated with himself.

* * *

 

Cloud put more distance between himself and the man who seemed to loom so large in his small life. He said ‘ _no’_ more often to Sephiroth. He limited his contact hours. He spent more time doing the things he loved - which included Zack. 

But none of these things sat very well with Cloud. He wasn’t fixing anything. He was just shifting between the two men in his life. How long would it be before Sephiroth would start complaining? How long before Cloud started spending more time with him, only to neglect Zack again? 

If he wasn’t causing pain to one, it caused pain for the other. Why couldn’t he figure out a way to have everyone be happy?

Cloud felt like he was trying to level a see-saw. It wasn’t working though.

Sephiroth became disgruntled not too long after Cloud had sidled much too close to Zack’s side of the see-saw. Sephiroth reverted back to old behaviors and habits when he was met with more ‘ _no_ ’s than he was comfortable with. 

The hurtful words turned into guilting remarks, which prevented Cloud from pulling away too much. Sephiroth would try and find excuses to keep Cloud around longer. He would ask Cloud out to attend things around the hospital with him even more than usual, to see if any of the invites would stick. The more Cloud dug in and refused the nastier Sephiroth seemed to become.

History seemed to repeat itself.

The threats started showing themselves as well. 

“I could leave here at any moment if I wished it.”

“You’re lying.”

“If it makes you feel better to think that way, then keep deluding yourself. But you have seen how everything I command of the staff here gets done how I specify it. There are no more visitation hours. You can come and go freely everywhere you wish to go in this hospital.”

“Then why are you here? You can’t afford your own place or something?”

Sephiroth only leaned in closer towards Cloud, smirking in his detestable manner, “You were never too bright, were you. I’m here to make _you_ feel safe and secure. Would you ever have come to see me if I wasn’t ‘ _locked’_ up somewhere?”

That sultry smooth voice froze Cloud solid.

“Axel thought himself so clever. And I suppose he was. I’ll give credit where credit is due. He gave me the idea. I should possibly thank him. He wanted to make sure I could never find Roxas. After some careful considerations and speaking with Marcello I thought it best to reside in here and bide my time. And it seemed to have worked,” he smirked and Cloud felt lightheaded. 

“So do not think I will not come and find you if you give me no other choice. I would much rather you _wanted_ to spend time with me. And you _have_ been wanting, but you are too torn between me and your ‘ _boyfriend’_ ,” scoffed Sephiroth.

“He is forcing you to choose because he is terrified of losing you. He knows where your heart truly lies. He is someone who knows when he has met his match.”

Cloud’s face had only turned more stern. He refused to believe what he was hearing.

“You’re such a spiteful man, Seph. I’m not going to listen to your shit anymore.”

Cloud stormed off, heading towards the door.

Sephiroth easily breezes past him however, barring the way to freedom.

Cloud’s extremities froze solid but his innards were hot with panic and horror. The emotions were too strong to keep from showing on his face.

“Don’t run away from me, Cloud. You’ve been running for too long.”

“Let me out,” Cloud tried to get past the sentinel to no avail.

“I know being here is uncomfortable for you. But it’s only like this because _he_ is feeding you lies. He is sowing you with self doubt. He is forcing your hand to get his own selfish needs met. He doesn't care about you or your happiness, Cloud. All he cares about is to control you.”

“He doesn’t control me. I’m my own person, I’m independent. I’m doing what’s right for myself,” Cloud shot back.

Sephiroth scoffed, “If by ‘ _independent’_ you mean you’ll do whatever your little ‘ _fuckbuddy’_ wants you to do, then we are on the same page.”

Bitter irritation escaped via a sharp exhale.“He’s my _boyfriend_. We _love_ each other. We have a relationship and care about each other!” 

Cloud grew increasingly frustrated at how many times he had to hammer that point home. 

“Why can’t you accept the fact that I’m in a relationship with someone that’s _not you_? Why don’t you get that I’m _happy_!”

“Because you’re not. Because you still love and want _me_.”

It bit into his heart. It disgusted him. Cloud’s face turned sour with the frankness of Sephiroth’s assertions.

“I don’t,” Cloud choked out.

“If it’s not true then why do you keep coming over? It certainly can’t be the hospital food. The only logical explanation is that you want to spend time with me. And why would you want to spend so much time with me if you _love_ someone else? Why are you always attending concerts and recitals with me? I’m certainly not forcing your hand. You _choose_ me, Cloud. You _want_ _me_.”

“I come here because I - I -,” Cloud stammer, stepping back from the man who was far too close to him.

The room felt too small.

Cloud had answers in his brain. He knew that they were extremely valid answers. He knew that they rattled around in there somewhere, but were currently unreachable.

Sephiroth moved forward with every step that Cloud took back. He cornered Cloud against a wall. One hand casually propped up next to his head. 

“ _Though no oath is shared between the lovers,_  
_In their hearts they know they will meet again.”_

“This is why you are here.”

Cloud’s chest constricted at those familiar words.

Sephiroth leaned his face close to Cloud’s.

Cloud turned his head away from Sephiroth’s smiling face. He turned from that breath which blew against him. He couldn’t escape from the saccharine scent.

At this moment everything reminded him of late nights spent pleasuring the older man.

“No, it’s not,” Cloud fought.

“Then pray tell.”

Cloud turned back with ferocity. He stared into deep blue-green eyes. His hate faltered. Breath stilled in his chest. A pleasant shiver melted Cloud. 

The soft eyes - that pleasant smile - all of it was unexpected.

It always hurt. It always hurt that Sephiroth had hurt him so much but could also look at him in such a gentle way.

He couldn’t let himself get sucked in. Not again. He needed to hate Sephiroth.

“I came here to get answers from you, and you know it. I’ve asked you countless times why things ended the way they did between us. I’ve asked you why you had to hurt me, why you couldn’t leave us alone when we ran. You never answer! Why do you always deflect or answer my questions with your own questions?” yelled Cloud angrily.

“Why aren’t you asking me the question you are burning to ask me?” Sephiroth retorted.

Cloud ground his teeth in frustration, inhaling sharply.

“You’re doing it again!”

“The question still stands. Ask me what you want to ask me, instead of pussyfooting around the topic.”

Cloud shook with anger. He _hated_ that Sephiroth knew.

“ _Cloud._ ”

His name left Sephiroth’s lips breathless, honeyed and dripping with want. A sea of memories drowned Cloud. Sephiroth had only ever said his name like that when he came. 

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut against the misery of missing this man in his life.

He choked out the question which burned the most inside himself, ”Do you still love me?”

“Why do you want to know?”

Cloud groaned with frustration. He hit the wall behind him with his clenched fist. “Stop doing that! Answer me,” Cloud pleaded with aggravation. He could feel the beginnings of tears collecting in his eyes.

“I will once you answer _me_. So come now, be upfront with me, Cloud. When you want something you’ve always gone out and taken it.”

Cloud's heart began pounding harder in his chest with the underlying implications.

“Because… I - “ Cloud began trembling. He firmly wrapped his arms around his body, trying to hide his signs of weakness. He felt like a stupid little kid again. This was how Sephiroth had always managed to goad Cloud in the past. This was how he had always managed to open him up. How he had gotten Cloud to spill his guts. He was doing it again. Cloud’s insides twisted with pain and dread because he couldn’t fight against it.

His face morphed into tight disgust. He turned away as he fought with himself to not say it. He didn’t want to say it. He let the words go, “I still need you to love me.”

“Cloud,” Sephiroth’s voice gave a deep quake, causing shivers of pleasure and a shuddering sickness to run down Cloud’s body. “You know that isn’t what I want to hear. I know how you feel about me. I know that you miss it. I know that you wish we could go back to how we were. So let me hear it.”

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut in pain. He suppressed the whimper which was clawing its way out of his chest.

“I -,” he took such a deep and sickening breath. He wanted to drown the words that were forcing their way out of himself, “love you, Sephiroth. I want you.”

Cloud’s insides writhed in disgust. He had never wanted anyone to know. He hadn’t even wanted _himself_ to know.

“That’s more like it. You’re such a good boy, Cloud.”

The praise smoothed over the terrible disgust. A gentle, cool hand was raised to Cloud’s face. Burning, flushed cheeks were caressed with too much care. His eyes shot wide open. Cloud fought with himself, but he leaned into that touch, breathing against that soft palm.

Sephiroth’s loving smile only intensified. “You look just like Oswyn,” Sephiroth cooed, brushing hair out of Cloud’s eyes.

Cloud’s body buzzed in great discomfort. He felt warm fingertips brush down the length of his arm. The touch relaxed Cloud’s limbs. The tight vice like grip Cloud had slung around himself eased. 

“I’ve missed you so much,” Sephiroth’s voice trembled with great need.

Cloud didn’t want Sephiroth to know how much those words meant to him. He turned his head, with shaky breath.

Up until now Sephiroth had never spoken about Cloud’s father, other than to illustrate how much Cloud wasn’t worth Sephiroth’s time or energy. Nor had he ever given any verbal indication that he cared for Cloud at all. But now he had done both. 

Cloud felt overwhelmed and confused. He found it too difficult to reconcile the awful words the man had always spoken to him in the past, with the now gentle touches he had begun to leave on him over the last few weeks.

“I’ll _always_ love you,” Sephiroth whispered into Cloud’s ear. 

The words knocked around his head. They dug into the cavity of Cloud’s chest, squeezing the breath from him. 

Cloud bit down on his lip. Sephiroth’s gentle touches and even gentler words filled Cloud up. He didn’t realize how starved for affection he was until this moment. A great satisfaction, a deep perverse and secret longing washed through himself.

Cloud’s trembling felt uncontrollable. He wanted to believe those words so badly. He craved that idea so much. After he had done all those horrible things to Sephiroth this man could still somehow _love_ him? It felt like a miracle. But he also wanted Sephiroth to hate him. If the man hated him, letting go of Sephiroth would be easier.

In this precise moment however Cloud’s heart was elated at knowing that there was love. Cloud wanted to lean into the warmth which radiated in front of him. He wanted to believe that Sephiroth loved him, and that he wasn’t just saying meaningless words again.

He wanted to believe that everything Sephiroth had ever done to Cloud was out of some form of love. No matter how bad it had been. Cloud wanted to desperately embrace him like he had done when he was younger.

He didn’t want to feel in pain anymore. He wanted to undo the past. Maybe Sephiroth was salvation. 

As if Sephiroth could see and understand Cloud’s internal struggle Cloud felt a hand cup his chin gently but firmly.

“It hurts that you doubt me so.”

Cloud’s heart raced, filling up the hollowness in his chest. He suddenly wanted to pull away from that touch. He wanted to lean into that touch. He was petrified and excited, hot and cold. He hated and loved. 

Cloud felt sick. He was so frustrated at himself for not knowing what he actually wanted.

He could feel Sephiroth’s breath on his face once more. Sephiroth gently turned Cloud’s face back towards himself. A pained frown grew as his face was tilted upwards. He looked into Sephiroth’s shining and knowing eyes. 

Cloud was letting him do all these things. He couldn't find it in himself to resist.

“You need to stop doubting my love for you.” Sephiroth stated, firmly. “I have always worked at keeping you safe. I promised your parents, and I promised myself. I will be there for you in the way that no one ever was for me when I grew up. But you make it hard for me to fulfil my promises when you run away.”

Memories of years long gone flashed into Cloud’s mind. 

Shame gripped him. 

The things he had learned about Sephiroth from those late night television binges engulfed him. 

Genesis’ words ran around his skull. 

Guilt welled up inside. 

Everything mixed together, making it impossible for Cloud to pull away from the slow motion kiss that approached.

The whisper of the words, ‘ _Please don’t_ ,’ escaped Cloud’s chest but they weren’t strong enough to stop the forceful lips from pressing against his meek ones.

He closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see that face.

He felt so helpless -. 

So small -. 

_Too young_.

He didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know right from wrong. He hadn’t changed at all. The man he thought he had grown to become; the man who had resolve and courage; the man who had his shit together - abandoned him when he needed him the most.

Hot wet flesh pressed against tightly sealed lips. Cloud sobbed against it and tears rolled. That slivering beast pressed in and delved deep. It tasted Cloud. It took it’s time to leisurely explore and revisit its old favorite haunts.

Cloud’s stomach fluttered and engulfed him in a sense of sickening pleasure against the raging thump of his heart.

Cloud felt disgusted with himself. How could he have let this happen?

He hated that he had actually _missed_ this. 

Excitement. Elation. A throb deep down inside his body.

He hated the way his body was responding to Sephiroth’s gentle stroking hand. He hated the way his own tongue began to long for, crave, and roll against Sephiroth’s own. A sickness overwhelmed him over the joy he was receiving from mutually massaging tongues.

He hungered for the man. He wanted to make it all better. He -.

The tears welled and spilled.

He wanted Zack.

_Zack_!

Words drifted to him about this being an unhealthy relationship. That this wasn’t right. Cloud had been so young. Cloud hadn’t known any better. The grown up part of himself echoed from somewhere deep within, urging him to get out -.

His mind cleared for a brief instance and he found the strength to push his hand against Sephiroth’s chest, driving off his attacker.

The loss of contact was a relief for Cloud, but also left a gaping void he wanted to have filled up.

Sephiroth stood up straight, running tongue over lips as if savoring Cloud’s lingering taste. A husk of a smile settling on his cold face.

“I knew you still wanted me.” 

It was mocking. It was triumphant. It was complete ownership. It was everything Cloud hated about that man.

“You know I love you most. For now. For ever. You’ll always be a part of me. And I know I’ll always be a part of you.”

Sephiroth’s finger skidded across the width of Cloud’s chest.

Every part of Cloud clenched in on itself in agony. He couldn’t take it anymore. 

He breathed in sharply, ducked underneath the arm and bolted for the door, leaving Sephiroth behind. He didn’t want his weakness to show. He wasn't going to cry any more than he already had in front of him.

He left, slamming the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes.
> 
> _Marcello_ is Axel's dad's name. I gave him a name since he never got one in [The Clock Tower](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763).
> 
> Lots of _Loveless_ rambling from Genesis. Clearly I didn't make that stuff up.
> 
> I hope you guys are still _'enjoying'_ the story. I use that term loosely. It's pretty damn uncomfortable.


	13. Sensible Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zack and Cloud have a long conversation.

Zack heard Fenrir approach and pull in next door. That sound always made Zack breathe a sigh of relief. He wanted to go over and welcome Cloud home but he was currently tied up with a long phone conversation regarding new delivery schedules for an existing customer.

Zack tapped his pen impatiently on his notepad, trying to listen but ultimately getting absorbed in his own thoughts.

He hated Cloud going out to see Sephiroth. Cloud was torturing himself and was refusing to stop. But what could Zack do? Cloud had kept his promise. He was spending less time over there, and more time with himself, Denzel and Rupert. 

Zack had gotten Cloud into doing small things to look after himself. Like the breathing activities. They exercised together, and not just the fun naked kind of exercise either. Cloud was even beginning to pick up some of the basics of guitar. So Zack shouldn’t be so worried.

Cloud assured Zack that he spent a lot more time talking with Genesis, so it wasn’t like Cloud was _just_ going over there to be with the guy who abused him.

But it upset Zack irrespective of how well Cloud thought he was handling things.

Zack slammed the receiver down in relief when the phone conversation ended. He sprang up and lightly ran towards Cloud’s workshop, in search of his darling sunshine.

He couldn’t spy the blonde mop anywhere obvious. He did however find Denzel, who was busy running an engine check.

Zack and Cloud were both so very proud of Denzel’s work ethic and attention to detail. Zack’s heart always swelled thinking how lucky he was that Cloud had given Denzel an opportunity to do something he really enjoyed.

“Hey Denzel, where’d Cloud go?”

“He’s gone upstairs. Said he needed a shower.”

“Cheers, bud!” he beamed and bounded up the stairs, letting himself in.

They had managed to furnish the place up nicely so it looked less austere and more like a home. For it was _their home_. Rupert and Denzel were left in Zack’s former place. Zack had moved most of his possessions over, so he could share and live with Cloud.

The walls were decorated with Zack’s uncle’s buster sword. He had very carefully moved it and hung it much like it had done in its former home. There were also a lot of photographs of them on the walls, both old and new. Cloud always made a fuss whenever Zack snapped a photograph of them together, but Zack wasn’t fooled one bit by the showy protests. He knew how much Cloud loved making new memories with Zack. 

They also had a large sofa and an armchair. As well as a big dining table so all four men, who lived next to each other, could enjoy meals together like civilized people, instead of sitting all over the place. That thought always made Zack grin. He knew Aerith would approve.

Stepping into this place brought immense joy to Zack. But he was happiest when he saw Cloud in these surroundings. Cloud lazing on the lounge, smiling up at him. Cloud in the kitchen, smiling at him. Cloud in bed, preferably naked and sweaty, smiling. Zack loved making Cloud smile.

Zack’s attention was drawn towards the bathroom. He could hear the water running and headed over. It suddenly occurred to Zack that there had been an almost criminal oversight; a sharp toothy grin unfurled itself across his face.

He knocked and waited for Cloud to invite him in. When the invite didn’t come instantaneously Zack knocked again.

“Hey Sunshine, it’s me. Everything alright?” he called out.

Zack grew worried when it took a few more moments for Cloud’s response to reverberate through the door.

“ _Yeah, come in._ ”

Zack did.

“Welcome home, Cloud,” he said with abundant cheer.

Cloud was busy washing his hair with great vigor.

Zack’s eyes trailed over Cloud’s soaped up, wet back. The way the soap suds slowly melted down Cloud’s body caused a delightful tightening in Zack’s abdomen. He wanted to run his tongue all over the other man.

“Mind if I join you?” 

He was unable to keep the hunger out of his voice.

Cloud looked around. His face all red from the heat of the water, and suds running down his cheeks. A quiet “Sure,” and one of those soft whispers of a smile that Zack just loved noticing, was given to him. Zack instinctually reciprocated with his own broad one in response.

Zack hastily stripped off, discarding his clothes carelessly and stepped into the bathtub. He pressed his chest against Cloud’s back, and ran his hands up and down the front of Cloud’s slippery, and always silken soft body. He payed special attention to giving Cloud’s penis a lot of affection, while he tweaked at nipples with the other hand. 

He fondled Cloud, massaged his shaft and rubbed his head. All the while Zack ground his hips against Cloud’s lean backside. He enjoyed the sensation of his erection throbbing against Cloud’s bare skin.

Zack placed kisses on the nape of Cloud’s neck, and trailed them down his shoulders, making sure to kiss every faint scar within his reach.

The memory of that night remained etched in his mind. It had left a profound impression on Zack. His heart still swelled with admiration for how brave Cloud had been. He loved Cloud so damn much. Firmer kisses were left on that delicious body. Teeth grazed affectionately across shoulders. 

Zack firmly pushed his growing erection against Cloud. He nudged the man playfully, and murmured into his ear, “It occurred to me that we’ve never done it in the shower before. You wanna fix that?”

Cloud ran his head under the shower spray, washing off the shampoo before he nodded his head.

Despite how turned on Zack was right now, he frowned at Cloud’s silence.

“Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, I want you to fuck me. Here, right now.”

Cloud’s words sent a throb and twitch through Zack’s penis. He moved his hand away from Cloud’s now prominent arousal. He still held onto Cloud around his ribcage with his other arm though. Zack ran his hand down the middle of Cloud’s tantalizing cheeks, until he reached the opening he loved to thrust into.

Zack pushed his index finger against it, wanting entry, but Cloud moved his hips forward at the same time.

“No fingers, Zack. I just want your cock.”

Zack loved it when Cloud turned demanding and gave orders. It sent a thrilling pulse all around his body. Cloud hadn’t done that for a while now. Cloud hadn't been as demanding or assured of himself and his wants, of late. He had been more submissive, and although that was fine with Zack he did enjoy getting off on Cloud taking charge.

So Cloud’s words now sent a growl of pleasure out of Zack’s throat. He pushed his erection against Cloud’s sphincter, teasing him and kneading his firm and taut arse with his hand. He bit at Cloud’s shoulder with a little more force.

He was so hungry for Cloud.

Cloud pushed back against Zack’s ever firming erection with a lot of force. A sharp tingling shot through Zack’s body at the pleasant tightness suddenly engulfing him. But he could feel Cloud’s breath leave his body as his head was forced inside of the unprepared opening.

The hazy drunken lust left Zack. He pulled away, dislodging the tip of his head from Cloud’s tightness.

“What are you doing, Cloud?” he asked in confusion.

“I want you to fuck me,” Cloud grumbled.

“And I will, you just gotta be patient.”

Zack maneuvered his fingers back, wanting to prep Cloud. It would be harder for any lubricant like soap or saliva to stay on Zack’s penis when they finally got around to the delicious part of this encounter. He needed to adequately prepare his gorgeous ray of sunshine.

“No, just fuck me. Don’t worry about using your fingers.” Cloud gave him an angry look over his shoulder and reached behind himself, placing his hand on Zack’s backside, pushing the man towards himself.

“It’s going to hurt if I do that, Cloud. I’m not going to hurt you.” Zack’s eyes narrowed. He didn’t understand what had gotten into the other man.

“I _want_ it to hurt. Just - _please_ , Zack! _Fuck me_.” 

Cloud’s head sunk towards his chest. Zack spun Cloud around and forced his head up with a finger so they could look at each other. Cloud refused to make eye contact. The anger that had been present moments earlier melted, revealing bitter sadness and a deep hurt.

They were almost nose to nose. Zack could see the discoloration in Cloud’s usually crystal clear blues. He could see the slight puffiness surrounding those eyes, and the change of pigmentation in those lovely cheeks. This was caused by something other than just overheating from the steaming shower.

Zack’s innards squeezed him. Dread dawned. His eyes went wide.

“Cloud, what happened? Tell me.”

Arms flew around Cloud. He pushed Cloud’s head into the crook of his own neck and turned the taps of the shower off.

“Nothing happened,” Cloud muffled into Zack’s skin.

“Cloud, don’t treat me like this - like I’m stupid.” Zack pulled Cloud away from him so they could look at each other again. 

“What did _Sephiroth_ do to you? I promise I won’t go over there and beat the living shit out of him, but you need to tell me, or I _will_ go over there and beat the living shit out of him.”

Cloud’s eyes and mouth widened in horror at that prospect. After a moment's hesitation he responded, casting his eyes to the fiberglass bath bottom, “He … we,” Cloud’s voice dropped to a whisper, “kissed.”

Zack’s stomach plummeted.

“He _kissed_ you?!” Zack felt like he had been punched in the gut. All air vacated the premises.

“And I kissed him back,” Cloud murmured with a little more strength.

No, this was all wrong. The Cloud Zack knew would never have let that happen. Zack’s Cloud _hated_ the man.

“Why?” Zack’s head was reeling. The heat from his lust and the hot shower completely dissipated. He was chilled to the bone.

“Because - some part of me wants him back. I want things to be ok again. If things can be ok with him then things will be ok between us.” Cloud looked up at Zack with fresh tears staining cheeks.

“You’re not making any sense. What does _our_ relationship have to do with what you and Sephiroth had?” Zack still didn’t understand what was going through Cloud’s muddled head, even after all these months.

“I did horrible things to him, Zack. I manipulated him and turned him into the monster he became. All the stuff from the war - and even before that. He never knew his parents. He never had anyone to love him and look after him. He was always alone. And then he had a family. He had me and Roxas and I tore that away from him too, because of my own selfish need to be loved and seen by someone who was precious to me.”

Fresh tears sprung from Cloud.

“You can’t be serious. I’ve told you before this wasn't your fault. You didn’t manipulate anyone. He’s warping you. He’s making you believe crap.”

“It’s not _crap_!” 

Sad ferocity turned up to glare at Zack.

“Cloud, please stop hurting yourself like this! You’ve hurt enough thanks to that man. You don’t deserve to be torturing yourself. You’re not responsible for what happened this his parents. You’re not responsible for him ending up in a terrible system, or for any of the other stuff that’s ever happened to him.”

“I know I’m not at fault for that. What I’m saying is that I _am_ at fault for getting him all hung up on me. He _loved_ my dad, Zack. He _**loved**_ him, I’m sure of it. And I look _just like him_!” Cloud’s eyes squeezed shut in pain. When they opened again eyes shimmered with too many tears.

It stung. Zack wished he would never have to see Cloud cry again.

“How does that give him the right to do what he did to you? How does that make it ok for him to cut you up and threaten you with doing terrible things to your brother if you don’t stay with him?”

“He’s always been hurting. People can’t think straight when they hurt. Back when I was in Wutai I was hurting so much. I did horrible things to Irvine. I - I made him fuck me, like you _won’t_ ,” Cloud trembled. “He didn’t know any better. He didn’t know he was hurting me. I _wanted_ him to hurt me - to make myself feel better. It was my punishment for doing terrible things to Sephiroth, to you, to Irvine,” he squeaked.

The trembling did not abate. The tears wouldn’t stop.

Zack’s heart fractured and broke more. He found it difficult to process what Cloud had just told him. 

“You - made him _hurt_ you?”

Cloud suppressed a sob, but it turned into a terrible whimper.

The pit of Zack’s stomach churned. Right now he felt a painful sadness over Cloud inflicting pain and suffering upon himself. And for what? To clear a guilty conscience? A guilty conscience which had no business even existing. 

Anger rose inside of Zack. He wanted to protect Cloud at all cost. How could he protect the man from himself though? 

Zack took Cloud by the hand and lead him to the middle of the bathroom. Zack needed some time to think before he spoke out of anger. So he moved slowly and methodically. He wrapped a towel around his own waist and grabbed the other. He looked at Cloud’s forlorn and sunken form before himself. He was gorgeous, pale, but so fragile. Zack draped the soft fabric across shoulders marred by lovemarks, wrapping Cloud up like a delicate parcel.

What could he possibly say to the other man? Zack was never much of a thinker when it came to talking. He just spoke from his heart. It hadn’t failed him too badly in the past, so he figured he would just continue doing what he had always done.

“You know you can always tell me anything. I’m here _for you_. I love _you_.”

He smiled at Cloud, from his heart, with as much love as he could muster. He affectionately rubbed at the side of Cloud’s face and at sopping wet hair. Cloud looked so adorable, despite all the pain he was in.

Cloud struggled holding Zack’s affectionate gaze, but he did continue talking. 

“Sephiroth just did terrible things to make himself feel better. I get it, because I did the same thing. I don’t expect you to understand, Zack. All I know is that I’m no better than he is. We probably both deserve one another.”

That statement horrified Zack. 

“I don’t want you to go back to your past, Cloud. You’re not thinking straight, because you are hurting right now. You want to move on from your past, remember? You want a better and brighter future,” Zack refrained from tacking on the ‘ _with me_ ’ at the end of that sentence. He didn’t want to put any undue pressure or expectations on Cloud.

“Sometimes I really can’t see any brightness up ahead, Zack. Sometimes I feel the person I once was is the person I will always be. And you will end up hating me. You’ll end up getting fed up of me always doing the same things over and over again; of beating myself up; of being stuck in the past. And how can you not? I’m sick of the way I am as well, Zack. I’m so sick of taking so long to change. I hate myself for constantly making you wait. And… sometimes I just don’t ever believe that I will or _can_ change.” A pained sob and more bitter tears sprang forth, “So I should just go be with Sephiroth. Because misery loves company, and nothing will ever change.”

The pain on Cloud’s face mirrored the pain in Zack’s chest.

“Have you seen your back lately?”

“No,” Cloud responded, a little started at the change in conversation. “I don’t like looking at myself,” muttered Cloud. “Seeing this one,” there he moved the towel slightly and scratched the line across his chest, “is bad enough.”

“In that case I want you to take a look, Cloud.” Zack stepped around Cloud and pushed him towards the bathroom mirror.

“Zack, please don’t. I don’t want to see it.”

Cloud’s plea fell on deaf ears. Zack was tired of Cloud torturing himself over the long lost past. He understood that everything felt too raw and fresh in Cloud’s mind; probably like everything only happened yesterday. But he needed to be reminded that it had been a lot longer. He needed to know that the hurts of the past could heal.

He spun Cloud around towards himself and pulled the towel off, dropping it to the floor.

“Look!” he commanded.

Cloud just glared back at him with a defiant pout.

“You trust me, don’t you? So just _look_ ,” he egged on and watched as Cloud, with great reluctance, and a pained expression on his face, turned his head around to look in the mirror.

His eyes had squeezed shut.

Zack huffed with sorrowful amusement.

“C’mon Cloud, open up your beautiful eyes and see what I see,” he whispered into Cloud’s ear.

Zack carefully watched Cloud. Eyes fluttered open and took a moment to focus. Disgust sat on Cloud’s face. Shame and hatred danced together. But his brows scrunched up in confusion after a moment longer.

The once red and angry marks had faded over time, leaving neat white lines that marred and criss crossed Cloud’s back.

“All scars fade, Cloud. They never disappear. The past can never be undone - but the hurt fades with time. You’ve built up the state of your back to be a much bigger monster than it actually is. And I know what that’s like too.”

Zack ran his hand down Cloud’s bare back with tenderness and settled down at his hipbone.

“You’re making Sephiroth a bigger deal than what he needs to be as well. You’re putting way more importance on the past than what is healthy. The guy you were four years ago is also becoming a distant and faded memory. He’s still in there,” Zack placed the palm of his hand on Cloud’s chest, drawing the blue and drying eyes off the reflection and onto himself, “but he is drifting to the background and letting the new and brilliant you shine through.”

“I just wish -,”

Zack cut Cloud off. “You just need to let go. Wishing we could change the past - wishing we could atone for our past mistakes… those are all nice wishes, but wishing things won’t make them so. Wishing for things only makes us more miserable when things don’t pan out the way we had hoped. It makes reality look more brutal and ugly than it actually is. Look around you, Cloud. The present is a pretty ok place to live in. The past is far behind you.”

“But my past doesn't feel far away, Zack. My past is living forty-five minutes bike ride away. I feel like he is always right here.” Cloud also lay a hand on his own chest, next to Zack’s hand.

Zack’s gaze was drawn over the scar which Cloud was tracing with his thumb. Sephiroth had left lifelong marks on that beautiful body. That was one irrefutable fact Zack had no remedy for.

“I realized that the way I felt about him… before everything went bad… is how I feel about you. You make me feel complete. He made me feel complete. And that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach. I know that you’ll never hurt me. I know that you’ll never do what he did to me. But - I always get reminded of how much he meant to me once. I always get reminded of how much I needed him in my life - and how I need you. And Squall told me that I’m someone who will _always_ need people in my life. And that is terrifying, because I see how true it is. It just means that I will never change. I will always repeat my past mistakes, and… and that means that our relationship has always been _doomed_ from the very start so… so -.” 

Zack was horrified at what he was hearing. 

He could see the way that Cloud seemed to be able to talk himself into giving up on his future - on his relationship with Zack, if he kept going on. 

Zack had to put a stop to it and put some common sense back into Cloud.

“So you think it’s better to hold on to your past, then to ever try to move on and change your future?” He placed his hands on hips and surveyed Cloud closely.

“The past is safe. I know what to expect from the past. And what’s the point of trying anything different? I just end up being the same. I’m so _tired_ of always trying, Zack. It gets me nowhere,” and Cloud actually sounded worn out and exhausted.

“You’re really going to let fear hold you back?”

Cloud frowned deeply and looked down.

“I don’t want to believe that you honestly think that way. You are anything but a scaredy cat. You have guts, and determination,” Zack’s hand fell on Cloud shoulder. He wished he could somehow transfer how he felt about Cloud into Cloud’s body through his touch.

“No, I don’t,” came the almost automatic response.

Zack couldn't hold back the dismissive snort. Where was Cloud even getting all this negativity from? It never ceased to amaze him. 

“If that were true you’d never have gone to see your mom. You’d never have left Wutai, or even set foot in that place to begin with. You wouldn’t have tried to rebuild your life in Radiant Gardens, or given an idiot like myself a chance to live inside your heart. You would never have run away from Sephiroth in the first place, if you didn’t believe that there was a better future out there for yourself and Roxas. But Cloud, wake up, buddy!” Zack ruffed Cloud’s slowly drip drying hair, “You have achieved _so_ much. Roxas is safe and happy with Axel down in Wutai, yeah? They are having a great time and living it up, doing what they love. You are _also_ doing what you love. You have come so far.”

Cloud’s head was still sunk down low, deep worrying creases crinkling his brows.

“I so desperately want you to believe in yourself, as much as I believe in you - as much as Roxas believes in you. You _can_ change. You _have_ changed. Like your back. That’s changed slowly over time and you never took notice. You’re also changing, and you don’t notice. But I’m here noticing for you. And I will point it out to you when you forget yourself.”

Zack placed a knuckle under Cloud’s chin to raise his head a little. 

“You’re so much stronger than this shit in your life, Cloud. You are so brave. You have so much courage. Take pride in it. You don’t have to keep beating yourself up about the past. Because the past isn’t who you are anymore.”

“But it is.”

Zack just groaned. “Are these all like stock standard replies you have lined up?”

Zack stroked the underside of Cloud’s chin and sighed at the seemingly ever present defiance in those blue eyes.

“Do you really think that’s true? Do you really think you are exactly the same as you were when you were fifteen? Because the Cloud I see in front of me right now isn’t even the same Cloud I met four years ago. Four years ago Cloud wouldn’t have been able to look me in the eye when he spoke about his feelings and thoughts. Four years ago Cloud wouldn’t have been able to get words out through the pain and tears. He wouldn't have had dreams that he pursued and made an actuality. And he would never ever have faced his biggest monster.”

Cloud smiled weakly.

“You are so much stronger right now than you have ever been. And every day that you keep following your heart, and believing in yourself you will continue to grow stronger. I am so proud of you.”

Zack felt himself get quite emotional. He wanted Cloud to desperately believe in himself. To see his good qualities, and to let go of the victimhood he had encased himself in. There was no reason why he had to atone for past sins not even of his own making.

Zack leaned in close and pressed his lips against Cloud’s. He hated the thought that Sephiroth had gotten to Cloud. Hated the thought that those awful lips had been anywhere near Cloud’s soft and delicate precious ones.

Cloud’s hand clasped over Zack’s, which had returned over the scar on Cloud’s chest. Zack received a gentle squeeze from Cloud before that hand pulled away.

“I forget myself when I’m with Seph. I forget who I have become. All the old feelings come rushing back,” Cloud acknowledged in bitterness.

Zack breathed a little easier. The tension which had been building in his chest eased. Cloud had been listening and taking Zack’s words onboard. He was able to think more objectively and think things through. 

Zack always believed in Cloud. He believed that Cloud could get himself through any difficulty and do what was right for him - when he was given the time and space to process.

“I think that’s normal, Cloud. We can be autonomous, functioning adults. We could be the most confident people in the world, and run mega conglomerate businesses and be the boss of thousands of people… but when we go back home, to familiar surroundings - and to our families - we revert right back. We become that small child that needs protection and that can’t face the world. I think everyone gets like that.”

Cloud looked doubtful.

“You don’t believe me?”

“I believe you. Just - not that it happens to everyone. You’re just trying to make me feel better,” huffed Cloud.

Zack laughed lightly, and picked up Cloud’s towel, wrapping him up once more.

“You remember how I told you I visited my folks in Gongaga?”

Cloud nodded.

“Well when I went there the first time, after having had that conversation with you, I found that Gongaga hadn't changed at all. It was like stepping into a weird time warp. It’s still this small rural village in the middle of the jungle where people have siestas and farm cabbage, bell peppers, okra, chillies, the list goes on. Dad wanted me to become a farmer and help him once he retired from the military. But anyway, the place hadn’t changed, is what I’m trying to say.”

“After my folks got over the initial shock of seeing their long lost prodigal son return,” Zack flashed Cloud a charming smile which lifted the corners of Cloud’s mouth. Zack’s heart fluttered. “dad lost no time barking orders at me and treating me like he had always treated me. And I hopped to it, like nothing had ever changed.”

“I think it’s a two way street. My folks will always see me as their little kid, so they treat me like one, and because they treat me like one I behave like one. I even played hooky, when I should have been running errands. I haven’t done that in _years_!” laughed Zack.

“You always try to shirk your responsibilities,” corrected Cloud.

Zack’s heart filled with joy at Cloud’s response. The guy Zack loved was back in the room. 

“Yeah, but not to the same extent as I do when I’m with dad,” he grinned broadly and habitually rubbed at the side of his head.

“I reverted right back to how I always felt as a kid. Never mind the things I’ve accomplished in my life. Never mind the discipline of getting up early every day in the military. I would sleep in, and talk back to my dad. Absolutely nothing had changed. When I left it was the most surreal feeling, like I was taking off a heavy coat which had been suffocating me. I remember why I ran away to be with Angeal every time I leave that place. I love my folks, and I still want you to come with me to meet them, but I really couldn’t handle living with them anymore.”

“So I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m just telling you how I see things.”

Cloud nodded his acknowledgement.

“When you’re with Sephiroth you revert back to who you were back then. You get sucked into that parent/child role. It’s normal. But what isn’t normal is having an intimate relationship with someone who makes you feel like a kid. Don’t be with someone who erodes all the good parts of you and just leaves you feeling all the bad bits.”

“And before you even say it,” Zack stopped Cloud from speaking as he knew what rebuttal was about to come out of that gorgeous mouth, “I get that you feel like Sephiroth isn't a bad guy. I told you once before that I don’t think people are problems, yeah? Well Sephiroth had a lousy childhood, and a lousy upbringing, and terrible things happened. That doesn't absolve him of any wrongdoing, though. I looked up to him, growing up, Cloud. I wanted to _be_ like him. I joined the military because of him. So I get it. It crushed me to find out what he did to you. I want to believe in Sephiroth too. But it doesn’t change the fact that the way he is with you probably also causes him to revert back to how he was back then.”

Zack sighed. He hoped some of this was sticking.

“And that thing about him loving your dad - that just makes things even more messed up, Cloud. I can’t even imagine how he sees you. Does he even see you? Or does he only see your dad when he looks at you?”

“I - don’t know.” Cloud looked perplexed, like it was something he had never thought about before.

“Maybe that’s something you should find out about. Because when I look at you all I see is _you_. And when I had my little flings with those other guys, all I saw was _you_. And I know that all you saw was _me_ when you were with Irvine. And if we’re honest with each other doing that to other people isn’t fair on anyone, right?”

“Right,” Cloud nodded.

They stood silently for a while. The shower dripped rhythmically and echoed around the room. Zack was becoming aware of how terribly cold his feet felt against the tiled floor.

“So no more weird sex requests, ok? I mean, I like your spirit and I’m down for whatever. But only as long as it doesn’t hurt either of us, ok? Sex isn’t punishment. Sex should make you feel good. And I wanna make you feel _so incredibly_ _good_ , Cloud,” Zack spoke in that low rumble he knew Cloud got giddy over.

Cloud shook with soft laughter, and Zack felt lighter.

“You want to give the shower another go, then?” Cloud queried, glancing over at it.

Zack’s face bloomed to life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter - [This Shit - Sia](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02AQnpL4YII)


	14. The Ultimatum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud has fallen into a trap.

Days passed without Cloud setting foot near the hospital. Sephiroth’s threat loomed large in Cloud’s mind. Yet a voice inside himself said to pay it no heed. He wanted to test the man. See if he _would_ come looking for Cloud. But largely Cloud just stayed away because he needed space. He focused on staying in the present. He focused on enjoying his work, helping and teaching Denzel. He focused on continuing to establish his business. He made more of a habit of calling Roxas up and checking in to make sure their connection with one another remained strong.

He also spent a lot of quiet time in deep thought. Zack’s words reverberated around his head. Cloud had felt so incredibly bad after Sephiroth had kissed him. He had felt even worse after he kissed him back. He thought he had cheated Zack, himself and Sephiroth as well. 

He had wanted to punish himself.

When Zack had come in wanting sex it had seemed like the perfect solution, because that’s what had worked for Cloud in the past. But Zack hadn’t indulged him. That had simultaneously pissed Cloud off, and caused him some relief. He knew what he had done with Irvine hadn’t been healthy. He appreciated Zack caring too much for Cloud to let him destroy himself.

Cloud wrestled with how he seemed unable to sully Zack’s opinion of himself. How many hideous things had Cloud confessed to now? How much more would Zack take before he left? 

He had confessed about his whole sordid past. He had confessed to what he made Irvine do to him. He had confessed to the kiss he had shared with Sephiroth. He had wanted Zack to be disgusted with him. To turn away and leave him in that cold bathroom. Because why wouldn’t he? Why _shouldn’t_ he? Everybody else Cloud ever cared for had left.

Cloud clung onto the thought that he had wanted Zack to get angry at him. He had wanted to feel Zack’s burning rage, because Cloud felt he deserved that. That’s why he had told him about the kiss. He had wanted Zack to get a lot more angry than that previous time though.

Yet nothing shook Zack’s love and acceptance. Cloud couldn’t fathom it. Zack had stayed and actually kissed him, chastely. And then much later with more passion than Cloud could remember having received from the man in a long while. Which was a pretty big feat considering Zack always had such incredible passion for Cloud. No matter what time of day/night, or under what circumstances. 

Cloud had failed at sabotaging himself. Zack seemed to hold tightly onto Cloud, refusing to let him drown in the powerful riptide that was Sephiroth. Zack was his anchor to the future. Zack kept Cloud from drowning when he was too tired to swim on.

Sephiroth made Cloud forget all the good things about himself, dragging him down. He could see what a negative influence that man was in his life. But Sephiroth’s words drew Cloud in like a moth to a flame. Sephiroth _loved_ him. Heat swirled inside his core every time he thought about it. It was a mixture or anger and intense longing. But then Cloud thought of Zack’s words. Did Sephiroth even _see_ Cloud? Or was he truly just pining after his long dead father?

That questioned burned in Cloud’s mind. He didn’t know what he would do if the answer was ‘ _no, Sephiroth truly loves you_ ’. Nor did he know how he would deal with the answer being ‘ _yes, Sephiroth truly loves Oswyn_ ’.

It’s what drove him back to the hospital after a few weeks.

He visited Sephiroth, with a violent pounding heart. He wasn’t going to flounder. He wasn't going to be eaten alive, or drowned. He was going in there with questions, and coming out with answers.

He should have known better, to be honest.

Sephiroth had used all his energy to play mind games with Cloud as soon as he had been greeted at the door.

“I see your warden let you out of his sights,” Sephiroth had sniggered.

Cloud had huffed and tried his best to ward off the hands which seemed to want to roam all over him.

“He’s my _boyfriend_ ,” was all Cloud was able to say. 

But Sephiroth had licked his lips provocatively, “Whatever you say, Cloud.”

It was followed up with coffee, biscuits, and a never ending serving of divisive and snide comments all aimed at making Cloud feel as insecure as possible about his relationship with Zack. Especially when Cloud managed to broach the subject of his father. 

Sephiroth just seemed to ignore Cloud’s questions and would soldier on seeding Cloud’s head with self doubt. 

“It certainly is interesting that you’re so vehemently pursuing this topic now. Are you sure that you aren’t feeling insecure regarding what _your Zack_ is demanding of you? Are you certain he isn’t getting tired of your game?”

“Zack loves me. He loves me more than you ever did. He doesn’t even care about the kiss. It was my choice to not come back here until I was ready to.”

“Oh really. Is that a fact? He really didn’t care?” Sephiroth looked mildly amused.

Cloud scrunched up his face, disgusted with the man before him. 

“He still hopes that things will change. That you will be able to let go of _us_. I know how much you crave me, Cloud. You only don’t want me to touch you because you know how it will ignite you.” Sephiroth reached out to stroke Cloud's cheek, but Cloud slapped his hand away.

“You used to beg me to touch you,” reminded Sephiroth sweetly, with a sickening tender smile.

“How do you feel about my dad, Seph?” Cloud asked in exasperation. “What did he mean to you?”

“Cloud, stop changing the subject.”

“You’re the one changing it,” he fumed.

Their conversations lead nowhere.

Whenever Sephiroth saw the negativity and anger fill Cloud up to the brim, he would slam him down with sweet words of how Sephiroth was the only one who could truly understand Cloud. 

Sometimes Sephiroth would even bring up Roxas in conversation again, just to make sure Cloud would never feel 100% confident where he actually stood in Sephiroth’s heart. And again the intensity of those words grew every time Cloud managed to mention Oswyn.

Yet Cloud kept going back. He told himself it was answers he craved. Not Sephiroth. Never Sephiroth. 

Cloud grew frustrated. Sephiroth only became more toxic after each attempt to gain some clarity. Cloud began feeling like he might be crazy, the way that man brushed off Cloud’s concerns. Sephiroth was really skilled at always turning the conversation back in towards his own favor. His comments and remarks were honed and used with deadly precision, always rattling Cloud and pulling him into talking about irrelevant things.

Cloud returned to remaining silent, trying his best to fend off the barrage of verbal abuse. He also tried to keep the assault of the sweet and caring words out of his heart too.

He had tried speaking of Oswyn, and it had failed. Sephiroth always dismissed Cloud’s words like wind and continued on with whatever new and hurtful strategy he could come up with to build up and then demolish Cloud, over and over again. 

Cloud didn’t know why he was still there.

He felt addicted.

* * *

 

Cloud had spent two weeks visiting the man quite frequently. He had agreed to go out to recitals and plays again just to shut Sephiroth up. And there was still something disturbingly nice to be in his company. Cloud felt like he was clinging onto a sinking ship like a barnacle. He couldn’t let go. He was fused with it.

Cloud hadn’t realized how much he had gotten sucked into the vortex that was Sephiroth, until one early morning when Cloud found himself slinking home in sheer panic. His heart pounded wildly as he raced through the quiet streets towards his home. The sun hadn't come up yet but the sleeping world began to rise and brighten.

He knew he had let Zack down, and ultimately himself too. He sped home running over the muddled and foggy thoughts in his head.

Cloud had been pulled into a long discussion with Genesis and Sephiroth after having attended a mighty long and intricate play last night. It was another typical move the man pulled, in an attempt to keep Cloud by his side for as long as possible. He had plied Cloud with alcohol and kept him up way too long. It was compounded by the fact that Cloud hadn’t charged his phone sufficiently, so his battery had run flat.

Sephiroth had lured Cloud back to his room after Genesis had left for the night.

“ _It would just be better if you stayed the night here with me, Cloud. You are too tired. You’d miss your bus stop, and cabs aren’t the safest mode of transport either._ ”

“ _No, Seph, I really need to go,_ ” Cloud had continued to only half heartedly insist.

“ _It’s just one night, Cloud. It would make me feel better if you stayed here for a few hours until you sleep off the alcohol at the very least._ ”

Sephiroth had seemed so parental, so concerned… it had all seemed to make so much sense at the time. But Cloud had still managed to force out, “ _Zack is expecting me.”_

That thought of Zack - verbalized - had somewhat shaken him out of whatever drowsy compliant stupor he had fallen into. He had actually become determined to leave. Cloud had at least _tried_ to make his way back to the door, but Sephiroth had gently taken Cloud’s hand and had lead him further into the apartment, towards the sofa. Cloud had complied. There had been no struggle. Sephiroth’s touch had melted his fortitude like snow in the summer sun.

Fenrir’s roar reverberated angrily through the canyon-esque city walls. Cloud felt incredibly sour thinking about how stupid he had been.

“ _He’ll be fast asleep by now. Just leave in the morning. Come now, lay down and rest._ ” Sephiroth had sat himself down, and then had pulled Cloud down along with him. Cloud's head had landed in Sephiroth’s lap. There had been no protest or apprehension. He had simply looked up into the man’s warm and gentle face and had felt a smile form and be freely given. Only the moonlight from outside had shone and illuminated their surroundings last night. 

Cloud regretfully remembered how he hadn’t been able to look away from Sephiroth’s hair, glistened like a molten river of silver silk.

Laying there had been so comfortable. Sephiroth’s hands had run along Cloud’s exposed arms which had caused his flesh to prickle in delight. He had willingly leaned into the touch when fingertips had begun to rake through Cloud’s hair.

Cloud cringed thinking about how soothing that touch had been. 

There had been a sense of peace and quiet in those very early morning hours, which Cloud had really enjoyed. But there had also been a secret, adrenaline fueled thrill pulsating through his _entire_ body.

“ _Remember how we used to do this? You’d watch those re-runs of your favorite cartoons. Even though you had seen them dozens of times they would still always make you laugh._ ”

He ran through red traffic lights, racing home like a demon was chasing him. But the demon was in his thoughts and memories. He would never be able to run fast enough. Cloud felt sick with himself at how he had actually giggled lightly at Sephiroth bringing up that memory. He had nodded eagerly and had probably looked up into those eyes with too much adoration. “ _I wonder if there ever was an ending to that little mouse’s journey. I hope he got his happy ever after,_ ” he had finished with a hum.

“ _I think he’s getting close,_ ” Sephiroth had murmured, catching Cloud off guard.

Cloud had let out a dumb sound and had gazed up at the smiling face hovering above him. Sephiroth’s response had been to pull softly at Cloud’s spikes. “ _You should cut your hair._ ” 

The change of topic hadn’t even irritated Cloud, like it usually would. He had quietly responded with, “ _But I like how my hair is._ ” 

That seemed to have been the only fight Cloud had left in himself and even that had been pathetically weak.

Cloud slowed his bike and tried as quietly as he could to pull into the parking area in front of his warehouse. He threw off his helmet in frustration and yanked at his hair. The chill night air hit his face, but Cloud hardly felt it. He was lost in his memories. He frowned thinking about the way Sephiroth had hummed dismissively - almost like he would be able to convince Cloud to get a haircut eventually.

After that the man had kept running his fingers over Cloud's scalp. It had elicited tingles throughout Cloud’s body. That action had always been one of the most soothing feelings in the world to Cloud, because his mother had always caressed him like that. And once she was gone Sephiroth had taken up that mantle.

Sephiroth’s quiet timbre had eventually drifted through the room, “ _Do you ever wish we could just erase the past? Wish we could just go back to how we were before we hurt each other?_ ”

Cloud’s breath had caught inside his chest at those words. His body had responded by turning rigid. Sephiroth’s far away eyes had meandered back onto Cloud when he had felt the tension within the other man. Soft eyes had locked Cloud’s in place. Cloud remembered how much his heart had yearned and echoed, while his voice had, disgustingly enough, whispered and whimpered a pathetic, “ _Yes._ ”

That irked Cloud the most. He couldn’t believe how much he had been under that man's spell. Cloud angrily fished for his keys, quietly fuming at his alcohol addled brain of last night.

Sephiroth’s hand had drifted to Cloud’s cheek, stroking him with the back of his hand before he had said the fatal words, “ _Then let us try._ ”

The heat of last night returned to Cloud’s face. The memory of how his heart had revved up it’s joyous and wild dance, accosted him. Sephiroth had leaned down and pressed his thin lips to Cloud’s. They had been so incredibly gentle and tender, like the brush of a feather. The man had pulled away and murmured, “ _Go on, take what you want from me, Cloud. You can have whatever you wish._ ”

Cloud blamed his foggy head. Everything had felt like cotton. Dreamy and soft, like a bygone era. A fond memory revisited. The awful parts of the past forgotten somehow. The only thing that had been, and felt like it would ever exist, had been that present moment. Sephiroth’s words had been all Cloud had needed to close the distance between them. He had pushed his own lips against Sephiroth’s, nipping and teasing, willing and wanton.

Cloud's body churned as he got the door to his warehouse open. It was still dark, both within and without and everything was deathly quiet. He scrunched his face up in pain. He couldn't believe his own actions of last night.

He had felt the cool, silken tendrils of silver fall against his skin and face. He had actually _missed_ that sensation. It was what had made him reach up, and twirl his fingers into that gorgeous hair. Both men had gently nipped and sucked on each other’s lips. One of Sephiroth’s hands had firmly nestled in Cloud’s hair. The feel of that tingling, which had shot down Cloud's neck and into his body, still caused shivers to race and burn along his nerve endings.

Those sensations lingered even as Cloud silently stalked into his warehouse. The memory of Sephiroth’s other hand slowly stroking and working it’s way underneath Cloud's shirt caused unwanted warmth to spread through Cloud. He had untangled his fingers, and had moved his hand to the back of Sephiroth’s head where he had pushed the other man down towards himself. 

Cloud had been responsible for deepening their kiss. Cloud had pushed his tongue inside of Sephiroth’s mouth. They had danced together and tasted each other. Cloud had pushed his tongue as deep as he could, and had caused a pleasant moan to flutter out of Sephiroth. That sound had been music to Cloud’s ears. 

He shuddered and made his way across his floor space.

Sephiroth’s cool hand had wormed it’s way underneath fabric, and had tenderly trailed up and along Cloud’s abdomen, leaving Cloud to pleasantly shiver in the wake of those fingertips.

Cloud once again shivered at the memory, but certainly not with pleasure this time around. Cloud looked up at the stairs leading towards his living space with an anxious heart. The sickness in his chest was swelling and working its way up into his throat.

Sephiroth’s tongue had slowly pushed against Cloud’s own, until the older man had forced Cloud’s to retreat. They then had begun wrestling against each other with more force and hunger. 

That memory rocked a sharp pulse down towards Cloud’s groin. He took a deep breath before he was able to grasp the cold metal railing of his staircase. He looked up at where the man he was _supposed_ to love rested, and hopefully slumbered. Cloud steeled himself against the arduous and guilt riddled ascent he was about to face.

He couldn’t understand how he had been able to do that to Zack. The shame burned him like the hottest coals. It bit and blistered deep inside his body. He had moaned, and pushed Sephiroth’s head down even firmer against himself. Their teeth had clashed and clattered. Their lips had bruised from need and want. Sephiroth’s fingers had eventually reached Cloud's chest. They had expertly found the mark they had left on him all those years ago.

Cloud halted on the stairs, clutching at his chest in pain. That had burned. And not in a pleasant way either. It had burned then, and it certainly was burning right now.

Cloud’s heart had felt like it had been frozen by shock. He had stopped pushing Sephiroth down towards himself when that had happened. He had turned his head, and forced Sephiroth’s tongue out of himself. That hand had still remained on the scar, and had continued to trace it. “ _I’m sorry I hurt you,_ ” Sephiroth had breathed.

Hearing those words last night had elicited overwhelming shock and disbelieving tears out of Cloud. It still caused him to choke against pained sobs even now. He had never received an apology or admission of guilt until last night. 

He hadn’t been able to look at the man. Cloud remembered the sudden feeling of utter discomfort at laying on Sephiroth’s lap, and at feeling that hot erection against the back of his head.

“ _Let me make it right. Our last night together wasn't how I would ever have wanted it to be. Let me show you tenderness. Let me prove to you what kind of a man I can be. I’m not a monster._ ”

Cloud had bitten against his tears, and had squeaked out a, “ _No_.”

“ _Os-_ ”

“ _No, leave me alone!_ ” Cloud had sat up and thrown himself against the opposite armrest of the sofa. He had been too hurt and had just stared into the back of the sofa with hard shimmering eyes.

Cloud stopped at the top of the landing, his hand trembling as he reached for the door handle. Would Zack be awake? He really hoped not.

The way he was trembling now was how he had trembled all over last night. He had tried to not let his sobs out of his chest as he lay on the sofa. Sephiroth had left him for a short while after that to fetch a warm blanket and a pillow.

Cloud had gotten lost in his thoughts as he had lain on that sofa. He had - and _still_ was - worried over what he _thought_ he had heard Sephiroth begin to say. He wished he hadn’t been so snappish. He wished he had let the words fall and finish. 

It hadn’t sounded anything like Cloud’s name. And it hurt Cloud a lot. Both last night, as well as in this present moment. Cloud shook his head, trying to dislodge the shocking nausea that guilt stirred within himself.

What would Zack think? What would Zack _do_? How could he ever even _face_ Zack? But he had to. 

Cloud felt a deep disgusting swirl in his stomach. He was sure it wasn't just from the hangover and splitting headache he had right now from dehydration and too much alcohol. He ran through all the pathetic excuses in his head. He tried to justify everything to himself, but there was only one underlying truth that actually made sense as to why Cloud had let this happen. He had wanted it to happen. That truth sickened and shamed him.

Cloud was a monster. He was ruining everyone's lives. He was always sabotaging himself and his own happiness. And now he had a co-conspirator in Sephiroth, who obliged him so readily.

He begged and prayed for Zack to be asleep. If that were the case he could at least pretend that he had gotten in hours earlier. Cloud hated himself for such deceitful thoughts.

As his hand touched the door handle he flinched back, as if zapped by static. 

_There_. 

He could hear it. 

A soft melancholic tune filtering through the door. Cloud’s stomach met the floor in a sickening crash. The delicate, brittle strumming hit like an earth shattering thunderclap. He held back the panicked whimper, and latched on to the door handle to still his trembling.

Of course Zack would be awake. Of course Zack would be worried sick. Zack had probably stayed up _all_ night because Cloud had never _not_ come home before. Cloud’s chest clenched tight around his heart. Breathing felt torturous. Cloud should _never_ have believed Sephiroth. Why had he been so stupid? There had been a _million_ other options open to Cloud. He could have gone to reception and gotten them to call Zack to come pick him up. He was so - Fucking - _Stupid_!

Cloud couldn’t swallow and all he heard was white noise ringing in his ears for a moment. He had to go in there. He couldn’t bare the thought of Zack worrying a second longer. He had to do the right thing.

Digging deep he pushed the door open. In the deathly silence of the early morning the familiar creaking of hinges pierced and shrieked too loud. Cloud cringed and his heart ran a sickening marathon.

As more of the dark living room beyond was revealed to him, the soothing tune of that guitar changed. It slowed, growing harsh. Cloud could envision Zack plucking at each string with pain.

Rising bile was swallowed down as it bubbled and broiled in his stomach. Cloud stepped through into the room. The trembling in his body only growing more severe.

Zack sat on their lounge, picking and plucking one painful note after another. Each chord was a sharp stab carrying Cloud’s unfathomable guilt.

What. Have. You. Done.

Where. Have. You. Been.

The way Zack’s head was sunk and bowed with heaviness and fatigue only made Cloud feel worse. Normally cheerful and loving eyes burrowed accusingly into Cloud’s very being, reducing him to a quivering mess. He had never seen Zack so angry. So upset.

Cloud couldn’t look at Zack. So he turned to close the door behind him, seeking a minute reprieve from the hurt he had been attacked with.

The music completely stilled.

Cloud took a deep breath. He needed to be brave. Zack had always been warm and kind. Nothing Cloud ever did _truly_ upset Zack. This too would be alright. This too would be brushed over and forgiven.

He turned back around, giving an apologetic and pained smile.

There was no warm greeting of ‘ _Welcome home, Cloud_ ’. There was no smile given in return. There wasn’t even any relief at seeing Cloud step through the door. There was only silence and anger.

Cloud regretted the wish he once had about making Zack angry at himself. 

“You're not sleeping with him, are you?” 

The question cut harsh through the silence of morning. It was too loud and sharp, laden with a quavering emotional undercurrent.

“No. Never,” Cloud trembled , his own voice more feeble. Cloud wished he had delivered it in a stronger, self-assured manner rather than what it had actually come out sounding.

“Then where the fuck were you last night?” The sharp tone never relented. Zack continued to grip his guitar tight. Knuckles bleached from strain. Fingers twitched. Zack’s face bled dry of any compassion.

Cloud had never seen Zack this angry before. “I’m _so_ sorry, Zack,” he choked out. 

Cloud made an attempt to walk towards Zack but the man’s next words stopped shuffling feet dead in their tracks. “I’ve had enough of your empty apologies, Cloud, so shut it.”

He winced. He knew he had done the wrong thing. He knew he had messed up royally. A nagging feeling was growing that this was what Sephiroth had wanted. Cloud had told Sephiroth that Zack knew about the kiss, and that he hadn’t cared. Cloud had boasted about it, as evidence of the strong love and trust they had for each other.

Cloud had been so foolish. This had probably all been part of the madman's plan. Cloud seemed to have fallen right into a trap. The painful tears began to well as he realized the full extent of his stupidity.

“Nothing happened, Zack, I swear to you. Nothing happened. I just - I stayed out too late. And drunk too much. I couldn’t go home, and my phone’s run out of juice so I couldn’t let you know.” The apologetic tears spilled forth and he made his second attempt to walk towards Zack, wanting and craving his forgiveness.

Zack got up, still clutching his guitar as if for dear life. The instrument which had stirred so much love and affection within Cloud - the instrument which Zack had always used to express his fondest emotions and thoughts towards Cloud - was now a barrier keeping them apart. 

It broke his heart. Cloud wasn't sure if it was there to keep Cloud safe from Zack’s outrage, or whether it was there to keep Zack from giving in and embracing Cloud and forgiving him.

“ _Nothing_ happened? _Really_ Cloud? _Nothing_ at all?” The words cut like a knife's edge

Cloud whimpered, “ _Nothing_.”

“Then why the fucking hell do you _reek_ of that piece of shit, Cloud? Why are your lips so bruised?” Zack was visibly shaking. His breath cut harsh through the still air. His mouth upturned, contorted into rage.

“Zack, please don’t be mad. I’m _truly_ sorry, but it was nothing. We - I… kissed.” Cloud felt so sick at his confession. “It meant nothing,” Cloud tried to convince the both of them.

“Why would you lie to me? Why would you pretend like everything was fine and only tell me this shit _after_ I push for it? Why not just come out and say it? What _else_ are you lying about? You _sure_ you’re not letting him fuck you? Because if you are I _need_ to know.” It was spat with spite.

Cloud felt punched in his gut. His mouth hung open, and eyes widened. Panicked, he shook his head and mouthed ‘ _No_ ’, unable to make a sound.

Zack’s nostrils flared with a sharp inhale of breath. Whether out of relief or further upset, Cloud couldn’t tell.

“How _stupid_ can you get, Cloud? What kind of a fuckwit do you have to be to not see what he is doing? Why would you fall for this shit?” 

Grief rolled through Cloud. He swallowed hard against it. Hot tears swelled in eyes. That was the first time Cloud had ever heard Zack use such contemptuous language towards himself. 

The knife was plunged deeper, twisting and stabbing.

“You realize he’s doing this on purpose, right? He’s wanting to steal you away. He wants me to get angry at you. And it’s working. That pisses me off even more, Cloud. I fucking _hate_ what this guy’s doing to us. I can’t stand watching you do this to yourself. I can’t stand you doing this to me, either.” Zack’s jaw clenched and his eyes searched Cloud’s, “I love you, you numbskull, but you’re tearing us apart.”

“I know, I _know_!” whined Cloud, clutching his head in pained sorrow.

“I _don’t care_ that you know, Cloud!” 

Cloud released his head and looked back up at Zack. The anger hadn’t left that face. But the hard edge seemed to be coming off, giving way to sorrow. “I know that you’re not stupid,” came the soft apology. “It breaks my heart that you keep doing the same hurtful things to yourself. It breaks my heart that I can’t be enough for you - that you keep feeling drawn to the past.” Zack’s eyes squeezed shut and he bowed his head. “I can’t win against a memory. I can’t win against the shadow of a man that you wish was still there.” 

The defeat Zack seemed to show was crushing. “It’s not healthy.” Zack breathed and collected himself, “What you’re doing isn’t healthy. There’s too much baggage for you to ever think clearly.” Zack’s head raised once more and sad eyes searched out Cloud’s own weeping ones. 

“Remember that stuff we talked about always feeling like a kid? Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel like a kid when you’re with him. If you don’t then -” he breathed in sharply, “I’ll let this go. I’ll try and be happy for you. If you can have a mature and adult relationship with your past then that’s fine, but - if not then…”

Cloud couldn't brush it off and he certainly couldn’t lie to Zack any more than what he had already done. “No, you’re right,” he muttered. “When I’m with him - I can’t say ‘ _no’._ All the things I felt for him growing up are still there. The nicer he is the more I forget the bad stuff. And even when he is being nasty I try and make excuses for it. I use his past as justification.” Cloud bit his lip in pain. He knew that he was eating out of Sephiroth’s hand and falling for all his tricks and manipulations. Again - it felt like a magnificent car crash he couldn't turn away from.

“Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re driving me crazy. I just - I don’t understand.” Zack ran a hand through his hair in defeated exasperation, tugging hard at his own spikes.

Cloud caught the shimmer in those eyes as Zack looked at him with too much hurt. “I -” he sobbed, “I love him, Zack. I love him as much as I love you,” Cloud confessed, through his constricting throat.

Nostrils flared, lips pressed together sharply. Zack’s brow knitted, his eyes fluttered, and he pulled his pained gaze off Cloud, fixing it onto the wall. 

For the first time ever Cloud felt like Zack was genuinely disgusted to be in the same vicinity as him.

“Do you want to be with him?” Zack’s voice sounded so distant. So cold and lonely. He still refused to look at Cloud.

Cloud sobbed again. This hurt too much. He felt sickeningly torn. “I - ,” Cloud was frightened of what his actual response might be to that if he thought about it too hard. “Don’t know.”

“Don’t confuse your guilt with love. Don’t think you owe him _anything_ ,” Zack harshly pleaded. He finally dragging his gaze off the wall where his uncle's sword was mounted. Zack’s perpetual smiling eyes were filled to the brim with tears. 

They looked at each other from across the gaping chasm which had somehow been excavated between them. Again Cloud had put that look onto Zack’s face. He was a disgusting beast and a detestable monster for doing this to Zack.

“He probably doesn't even see you, Cloud. He doesn’t know what an amazing and beautiful man you’ve grown into. All he can probably see is how you used to be. All he can probably see is how he could, and still _can_ use you. You did whatever you could for him in the past coz you were a good kid, with a too-big-for-his-own-good heart. A kid who was also hurting coz he lost his mom and dad. He took advantage of you, to heal his own damn pain. He turned your amazing strength against you, and made it into a weakness he can and _does_ exploit.”

Cloud felt pained as he watched Zack’s shining eyes finally spill over. Zack cared so much for him that it really hurt. Cloud wished he could care for himself half as much as Zack seemed to.

“He used you, and abused you, Cloud. He doesn't deserve you in his life anymore, and you shouldn’t feel bad for that. Stop giving in to him. _Please_ ,” Zack begged. 

Cloud remained silent, because he had nothing but his stock standard responses of ‘ _I know_ ’ to give. It would do nothing but infuriate Zack.

Zack’s face and whole posture drooped. He gave a forlorn shake of his head. Cloud’s silence seemed to cause the man to shrink away and resign himself to something Cloud was unclear about. 

A pained huff filled the stillness.“I’m scared, Cloud. I’m scared to lose you to the likes of _him,_ because it’s going to destroy you.” Zack’s eyes shot up, throwing bitterly pained and hopeless daggers, before casting back to the floor. “I can’t stand by and watch you do that to yourself. I love you too damn much. It’s gonna kill me if I have to stand by and watch it happen. So if you keep doing this -,” Cloud watched Zack’s brows knit tightly, “then I’m out. I’m not going to enable you. I care too much about you, even if you don’t.”

Silence engulfed them. Cloud’s world was beginning to form sickening cracks. 

“I need you to make a choice.” Zack slowly raised his head. Hardness lived in his eyes and a tear streaked down his cheek. 

At some point Cloud had gone slack jawed. Eyes wide, and his belly full of vile spewing dread. His mind raged with the repetitive and meaningless words, ‘ _No, no, no! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! No, please, no!_ ’ But the wind had been knocked out of Cloud. He was unable to bring those thoughts to life on his lips.

The pain on Zack’s face only seemed to intensify. “You either stay with me, and be happy here - Or you go be with him, and _try_ your hardest to be happy. If you stay with me I don’t want you to ever see him again. But - if you _choose_ _him_ then -,” Zack breathed in deeply, as if to summon up all his strength, “I don’t _ever_ want to _see_ _you_ again.”

The ultimatum hit him square in the chest. It smashed his world apart into a million shards, each reflecting all of Cloud’s mistakes, failures, guilt and shame. Cloud’s eyes only widened further. His heart stopped, dislodged and fell to the bottom of his soles. Maybe even to the bottom of the world. He couldn’t get words out. He was winded and felt mortally wounded. His mouth only gaped open and shut like a stupid fish.

Why couldn’t he choose? When had that actually become a difficult choice to make? His instant response should always be ‘ _Zack_ ’, no hesitation or uncertainty. But Cloud didn’t have that instantaneous response he was looking for.

Zack’s face drew tight in pain and sorrow.

“I’ll give you time. Because that is what I have _always_ done. But I won't wait forever. Not in this. I refuse to be patient any longer. I want the best for you - and I’m _telling you, flat out_ \- Sephiroth is _not_ what's best for you. I’m not saying I’m either, but I know for a _fact_ that _he_ is one of the _worst_ things for you in your life. I hope you see that too,” Zack breathed, desperation lacing his words.

Zack shifted his guitar towards his back. 

For an impossible hopeful moment flutters erupted in Cloud’s chest. Foolish expectations - wishes - dares of dreams and hopes - that a warm embrace was coming, filled Cloud to the brim. But that hope was squashed. Zack moved away and picked up a big box which Cloud had failed to see until this very moment. It seemed to be filled with Zack’s things.

“I want you to look after yourself, Cloud. I want you to keep doing all the things we’ve been practicing in the past. And… whenever you come to a decision - you know where to find me.” The sadness in Zack’s voice and face wasn’t lost on Cloud. Zack brushed past, grazing his arm against Cloud’s, with purpose. 

A bitter _farewell_.

The pain which swelled and rose was almost unbearable as the door clicked shut behind Cloud.


	15. An Oath in Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud speaks with Roxas and Genesis, allowing him to come to a conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major content and trigger warning for this chapter.  
> Rape, paedophilia, and victim blaming.  
> The views held by the characters are there for story purposes and do not reflect the authors personal views and opinions.

For days Cloud was left alone with his thoughts, fears and wishes. He had no one to confide in. He was utterly alone and cast out to fend for himself in his mind forest. But Cloud had to remind himself that this wasn’t actually true. So he fished his phone out of his pocket one day.

“Hey Rox. Do you have time to have a chat?”

“ _Cloud! Hey! Yeah I’ve got some time. What’s up?”_

“I really need to talk to you. I’ve been so incredibly stupid...”

And then Cloud began his uncomfortable job of unburdening himself. He brought his brother up to speed with everything he had kept from him for all these months. When he was done he was met with terrifying silence.

“Rox, you still there?”

“ _Yeah,_ ” was the weak response.

“Why aren’t you yelling at me?”

“ _Would that help?_ ”

“No,” Cloud muttered.

“ _Listening to you - it just make me feel guilty, because I also didn’t tell you stuff. I can’t hold you to one set of standards if I can’t even live up to them myself._ ”

A sickening feeling broiled in Cloud’s stomach. He knew what Roxas was alluding too. Cloud had never brought it up with Roxas in their numerous catch up chats in the past. He didn’t want to be a nagging older brother. He had wanted to take a leaf out of Zack’s book and give Roxas the time and space to come clean on his own accord. “It’s about Axel and you, isn’t it?” Cloud said, flatly.

A small sound filtered through the phone. Cloud could imagine Roxas wincing.

“ _Yeah, but it’s not important._ ”

Cloud’s over-protectiveness flared up. He might as well try and talk about it with Roxas now. He _did_ still want to get to the bottom of it, after all. And it would serve as a nice distraction from his own miserable life. So Cloud pursued it.

“It _is_ to me! I want you to tell me, especially if I’m coming clean to you.”

Roxas sighed. “ _But you called me to talk about ‘your’ stuff, Cloud. Don’t make this all about me._ ”

“You’re the one telling me you feel guilty. So tell me. And that way you won’t feel guilty and then you can help me with my issues.” Cloud felt proud of himself for backing Roxas into a corner.

Roxas groaned.

Cloud felt triumphant.

_“Look, your stuff seems way more important than the shit that happened in my past, so can we just talk about you?”_

“Roxas.” Cloud said it in such a way that Roxas would know he meant business.

More groaning emitted. “ _All you need to know is that we had some really rough patches, but it’s all fine now. Again, you didn't call me to talk about my past problems. You called me to talk about what’s happening right now for you. So we should talk about that and -_ ”

“Rox -”

“ _No, Cloud. My past can wait. I’ll tell you about all of it later. Right now we’re gonna focus on you._ ” Roxas sounded frustrated and like he was teetering towards _anger_.

“Fine,” Cloud conceded heavily.

The silence stretched.

“ _Well go on then, geez,”_ Roxas prompted with some amusement in his voice.

“Alright, alright.” Cloud sighed. “I tried to give the man a chance. I want to believe in him and see the good in him. I want to try and fix things.”

“ _Why? He’s done such awful things. I feel like he’s always playing games with you. Every time I met him he always asked about you with a weird tone in his voice. But you tell me that he seems to be obsessed with me. I don’t think it’s right, Cloud. I think he wants you and has always wanted you. He just uses me as a pawn for his game. And why do you have to have someone so grimy in your life? You remember all the awful things he did to you, right? - All the nightmares you used to have. Don’t let that back into your life, Cloud. Stop looking for the good in him when the bad is so overwhelming,_ ” Roxas almost chastised.

“Of course I remember. But when I spend time with him - there’s some of the good stuff there too. The reasons why I felt so -.” Cloud winced, unable to say it. “I just feel sorry for him, Rox. A part of me really still likes him and wants -,” he breathed heavily, “to be with him.”

Cloud was certain that Roxas was frowning deeply at him.

“ _What can he give you that Zack isn’t giving you?_ ”

“Ah-”

…

Cloud’s mouth collapsed shut. He had inhaled air to deliver his decisive answer, but it had ended up just sitting in his chest cavity. Nothing came to mind.

“ _Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’re shouldering all the responsibility again. You’re not responsible for Sephiroth. Stop clinging to the past already. Zack makes you happy. Remember how you told me that you wanted to let the good things into your life? If you don’t choose Zack you are destroying the best thing in your life._ ”

“Rox, you’re the best thing in my life,” Cloud deflected. A smile flickering to life on his face despite the grim topic of conversation.

“ _Don’t give me your ‘big brother’ answer right now. You can tell me how much you love me another time. It’s serious talk time._ ”

Cloud sighed. “Of course you’re right. I don’t even know why I’m so on the fence about this.”

“ _I think it’s in our nature,_ ” Roxas began, quietly. “ _We were brought up to always care. Mom was the best role model we could ever have hoped for in life. She cared for us and loved us so much. She also always was really generous and warm with all the people she ever came across. I don’t know if you remember how she was with all our neighbors. I know you definitely weren’t there to see how loving she was to complete strangers when she took me to all my hospital and specialist appointments. She had such a big heart. It’s probably what drew her to Sephiroth. She probably wanted to take care of him, because he did have a pretty terrible life._ ”

Cloud saw the merit in Roxas’ words.

 _“So I get why you can’t let go of him, Cloud. He took care of us. He could have left us when mom died, but he didn’t. He fought for us, he protected us. He was really good to us. But something went wrong with him. And - and now you’re blaming yourself for that. And you can’t let it go because we are our mothers children. You need to make peace with yourself somehow though. You need to find a way to forgive yourself._ ”

“Forgive - _myself_?” Cloud had somewhat entertained the idea of forgiving Sephiroth… but _himself_? That was a foreign concept.

“ _Yeah. You know… I had to learn that too. Learn to forgive how I forgot about Axel. Holding onto all that guilt made me lose myself. I accepted a lot of things from Axel because I didn’t feel I was in a position to refuse him - because of all the past shit. I felt like I had to make it up to him, and I became a victim of my own bullshit._ ”

“Rox, what happened? What did he do to you?” Panic seized Cloud.

“ _No, Cloud. Just drop it. I’ll tell you everything another day. We are talking about you right now -_ ”

“Rox-,”

“ _Really, I’m fine. Axel and I are so happy together. That’s all you need to know right now, ok? And things are great between us because I was able to forgive myself. And also because I was able to forgive him as well. We hurt each other, but nowhere even close like how Seph has hurt you, Cloud. Axel and me - we bring out the best in each other. Zack helps you be the best you can be, and I know how stupidly happy you make Zack. But you and Sephiroth… I definitely know he doesn't bring out the best in you. Not anymore. Not for a very long time now. I definitely know he’s no good for you._ ”

Cloud’s face had fallen into an intense frown.

“ _So do whatever you have to do so you can move on from him. But I bet that stuff will have to do a lot with you finally apologizing to yourself and learning to be ok with who you are and the things you’ve done in the past._ ”

“ _Yo, Roxy! Yuffie’s on the phone, she wants to know if we wanna go on a bar crawl with her in twenty minutes time,_ ” came Axel’s distinct, yet far away sounding yell through the phone.

“ _Hang on a second,_ ” Roxas yelled back.

“ _Cloud, are you gonna be ok?_ ”

“Yeah. Go and say ‘ _yes_ ’ to your irresponsible bender.” 

“ _Tell her ‘hell yes’, but this time I get to decide where we start and finish_ ,” Roxas yelled into the void with excitement.

“ _Thanks, Cloud!”_ Roxas beamed through the phone.

“ _You know, I really kind of wish you had told me this stuff sooner. But I get why you didn’t. And yeah - I can’t talk much either. I’m not really living by example. But - I just hate the idea of you going through shit all alone._ ”

“I’ve got Zack.” Cloud’s chest tightened and a warmth spread.

A soft upbeat huff of happiness tumbled out of Cloud. “That’s my answer right there, I guess,” Cloud breathed, surprised at how quick that response had come to him. “You’re right. Zack is the best guy in my life. I don’t know what I would do without him.”

“ _Hey! I thought I was the ‘best thing’ in your life! You cheater!_ ” Roxas teased, and Cloud laughed softly.

“I’ll let you go, Rox.”

“ _Yeah, you better. Axel is eyeing me off. I think it’s pre-bar-crawl sexy time._ ” A shriek emitted from Roxas and Cloud could hear laughing on the other side of the line.

“Again too much info, little brother,” he said with a smile.

“ _I can send you some videos if you’d like, Spiky,_ ” Axel’s voice rumbled through the line, followed by Roxas’ giggles.

“ _Bye Cloud! I’ll talk to you later!_ ” his brother shouted.

The phone went dead abruptly, leaving Cloud feeling better than he had in the last few days.

* * *

 

He sat in limbo with his own misery for a week though, despite everything. The top up he had received from Roxas didn’t last too long. He imagined what life without Zack would be like, which didn’t require a stretch of the imagination. He had lived without the man for three years, and now he was living without him for a week again. The week seemed to stretch on for eternity though when he didn’t have Zack barging in and showering him with love.

This situation was a million times worse than when Cloud had gotten angry at Zack for not telling him about Roxas. The door between their two warehouses was - and always remained - closed. Zack had shut it. Zack had shut Cloud out of his life, and that _killed_ Cloud. Zack was deathly serious about this. He never came around and Cloud knew he wouldn’t be welcome sticking his head around the corner either, unless it was to give his answer.

Denzel asked what had happened between the two of them and Cloud just weakly responded that Zack was giving Cloud some time to think about stuff.

Cloud could hear Zack’s voice drift to his ears sometimes, when he was loudly shouting at Rupert because the two of them always goofed around and were laughing. 

It stung a little. And then a lot. Cloud didn’t think he ever remembered a time where he had felt this alone. Every time he walked back into his living space he was greeted by the photos of the happy life he once held, all around him. At first it caused him pain. He thought of taking them all down, but had decided against that action. He needed the reminders, he though.

He was also always greeted with Zack’s sword, which still hung up on the wall. He didn’t understand why Zack hadn’t taken it with him. He sat on his lounge, eating dinner every night, contemplating the meaning of it. One night the epiphany came, however. It was almost like a call to action for Cloud to fight on and not give up. He needed to fight for himself. He needed to fight for Zack too. Zack couldn't fight all of Cloud’s battles for him, especially not the ones he fought with himself.

Cloud couldn’t afford to lose himself yet again. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve so much of what happened to him, but there was no point in rolling over and surrendering either just because he couldn't change the past. The people of Wutai had kept on fighting. Roxas had also always fought for what he wanted.

Even Cloud - even he had fought for himself and his brother in the past. His past self had known what needed to be done. His past self had a clear picture of how harmful Sephiroth was to his family's well-being. Cloud berated himself for having lost sight of it. He berated himself for once again having his good points - his strengths - as Zack had called them - be turned against himself and manipulated to serve someone else's needs and desires.

Cloud needed to somehow learn to forgive himself. He didn’t know where to begin with that difficult task though. He did decide on one thing however.

But he was still scared.

So he went to see Genesis first.

* * *

 

The two men never spoke all that much about Sephiroth, mainly because lately they had never spent time alone together. Genesis seemed to have become disgruntled with Cloud, and Cloud could completely understand why. He had been so incredibly wishy washy in his resolve. He never seemed to have a clear picture of what he even wanted out of Sephiroth, and that probably irritated Genesis as much as it irked Cloud.

Cloud found Genesis in his lab, hunched over the eyepiece of a microscope, probably studying some genetic samples.

Cloud cleared his throat to draw the other man’s attention to himself.

“Hello, Cloud. What brings you here, this fine morning? I am not expecting Sephiroth until later this afternoon.”

“I came by myself. I want to speak to you - in private.”

The friendly demeanor Genesis held abruptly hardened at the knowledge that he didn't need to put on a show for Sephiroth. He pushed his chair back from the desk, folded his arms and looked Cloud up and down.

“So speak.”

Cloud sighed deeply, collecting his thoughts. “I’ve been trying to understand how Sephiroth felt about my dad. But he never tells me anything. He just -,” Cloud winced as he recollected the harsh words so easily in his mind. He shook his head in an attempt to dislodge them.

“Why do you wish to know about that?” asked Genesis suspiciously.

“For my own piece of mind. Zack - he gave me an ultimatum. I either chose him or I choose Sephiroth. I can’t have it both ways.”

“And what _is_ your choice?” came the question with great interest attached.

Cloud looked up from where his head had dropped down in brooding. He felt confident as he spoke, “I choose Zack. I choose my future. I choose the man who makes me happy, not the one who makes me miserable.”

Genesis’ arms uncrossed, falling to his lap and he gave Cloud a genuine smile. It was a rare sight ever since Sephiroth had pushed him against the wall and planted that first kiss on Cloud.

Sephiroth had probably told Genesis all about it. They seemed _that_ close. He hated to think that Sephiroth might have also told Genesis of their latest kissing frenzy.

“You should speak with Sephiroth about this, not me.”

“I told you - he never tells me anything. Our _relationship’s_ all messed up. I know he confides in you. I know he trusts you more than anyone.”

That seemed to butter the man up sufficiently.

“What do you wish to know about, exactly?”

“Everything. What did my dad mean to him? What happened between them. How my dad felt about him in turn. Just… everything.”

Genesis looked at Cloud for a while, scrutinizing him before he slowly began speaking, “Sephiroth loved your father. Sephiroth _still_ loves your father. Sephiroth blames himself entirely for what happened on that fateful day.”

“He sent your father out to disarm the bombs which had been planted at the reactor. He never expected Oswyn to return so quickly to be at his side. But I suspect that was just the sort of man your father was. Always concerned about others, always wishing to help. The way I have heard it, it was one of your fathers most endearing qualities; he _cared_. He cared for Sephiroth, when to him, it felt like no other being in the world did. Sephiroth has friends, no doubt about it. But Oswyn treated him different. There was compassion and love when all he had ever thought himself to be was a weapon. Sephiroth was never blessed with the gift of the Goddess. He never knew what it was to be loved and to feel love. He had never been allowed to.” Genesis’ expression turned bitter. 

“So my dad -.”

“From how Sephiroth tells it they shared great affections for one another. They were always together. Sephiroth spends too many hours ruminating about the touches and looks which were shared but never well defined or named,” Genesis huffed lightly, seeming in annoyance. “Your father probably felt the same grand passion which Sephiroth has always harbored for him. It was probably that which had spurred Oswyn on his way to be at Sephiroth’s side with such great haste.”

Genesis had just answered the question about his father which burned in Cloud’s mind the most. Cloud didn’t know how he felt about that. He knew his dad loved his mom. Maybe that was what had kept him from ever expressing himself to Sephiroth? Cloud felt a little sad over that prospect.

“Does that sufficiently answer your curiosities?” Genesis almost looked bored, or like he wanted to be rid of Cloud.

No. Cloud wanted to know it all. And this didn’t feel like _‘all_ ’.

“Please tell me anything else you know about that day. I’ve - never heard it be told in any detail. I’d really appreciate hearing it from you,” hammed up Cloud. 

Genesis breathed out, like it was such a chore to acquiesce to Cloud’s request.

“Sephiroth had been surrounded, unbeknownst to himself. Oswyn came charging into the fray, protecting Sephiroth’s back and saving his life. The way Sephiroth tells it paints such a vivid picture. Even I could not hope to do it justice.”

“Please, Genesis. If anyone can find the words it would be you.”

The man exhaled as if burdened. “Very well. I have heard it enough times to attempt such a feat, I suppose.” 

Gathering his thoughts he began slowly,“It is forever burned into his mind the day the Goddess's gift was ripped from him. It was never clearer to him what he had possessed until he had lost it, there in the courtyard of the missile base. The most tragic is the love lost before it is ever actualized,” philosophized Genesis melodramatically.

Cloud continued to listen, enraptured.

“Sephiroth always retells it the same way. He turned about as he heard Oswyn call his name. He watched as one of the enemy’s bayonets puncture his stomach and ripped him open. He can recount every single painful detail of that stab and how Oswyn’s expression turned from one filled with life to one draining and fading out towards death. Sephiroth knows that it was the adrenalin causing everything to appear as if it was happening in slow motion. It was that natural biological process which has forever etched and burned that scene into his mind’s eye. Yet this knowledge does not lessen the impact. It can never lessen the guilt and sickening defeat he felt as he watched your father collapse from that fatal wound. All sense left him in that moment. Everything turned woefully dark.”

Cloud felt pain at hearing that. He imagined his dad - how he lived in Cloud’s memories. It stung to know what his final moments had been like.

“He can never recall what happened next. He was overcome and blinded by rage and grief. The actions he took earned him his titles, the good and the most foul. When he came to his senses again he was holding Oswyn in his arms, covered in his still warm and sickeningly viscous blood. Bodies were piled all around. The stench of death and gunpowder clung to everything, but he saw naught but the body in his arms, still desperately clinging onto life.”

“He swore an oath of protection to Oswyn, as he watched the remaining life drain out of him. He promised to look after your family for as long as he himself lived. Oswyn used his dying breath to thank Sephiroth and pressed his blood stained hand to his face, stroking Sephiroth’s cheek like he had always done in the past.” Genesis scrunched his nose up in pain and shook his head. “Sephiroth professed his love for the dying man in his arms, but he never knew if Oswyn heard him before he left our plain of existence. He is still haunted by those deadening eyes, and that smile on parted lips which had spoken without a voice, as the man had slipped away.”

Genesis grew gravelly still and serious. 

A sickness welled inside of Cloud.

A deep breath broke the silence of the laboratory. “Sephiroth only once told me of how he wept on that day, in that hour. Tears falling like rain, washing and soaking into the pools of blood. He confessed to me that he had never cried before, or since that day. It is how he knows that the Goddess’ gift had shown itself to him.”

Cloud thought Genesis looked extremely pained, and Cloud felt it resonate within himself too. His poor father… and Sephiroth...

“He blames himself. After all of these years he still ruminates and tortures himself. He feels responsible for making terrible decisions to go into the base by himself without any further backup. He was young and foolish, feeling invincible, draped in his armor made up of naught but youth and overconfidence. The way the world slowed down in that harrowing moment between life and death made him acutely aware of all his mistakes. Of all of the myriad of things he should, and feels he could, have done differently in that split second, which felt like an eternity. But nothing was enough. He was not swift enough, he was not clever enough, he was not powerful enough. He grapples with those memories and that inadequacy every day.”

Genesis turned his eyes back onto Cloud, bringing both of them back into the present moment.

Cloud felt indescribable at hearing about his father's last moments. Sadness stirred in Cloud, but there was also something so much deeper which pained him.

“He was a broken man when he decided to dedicate the remainder of his life to your family. He fell in love with your mother, despite everything, and he adored you and your little brother. He wished nothing but the greatest of happiness for you all. He felt the strength and love which Oswyn exuded embodied in your family unit. But then -.”

“Mom died,” finished Cloud quietly for Genesis.

Genesis gave a sharp nod.

“It broke him. _Again_. He had failed to keep Claudia safe, despite there having been nothing he could physically have done to help her. Yet it felt to him like he had failed in protecting her. He had broken his promise to Oswyn.”

Cloud knew that their mother's death had been hard on all three of them. Yet Cloud had never known the significance and layers to the pain Sephiroth must have felt.

“He is most certain that if he had not had her children to fight for, he would no longer be alive today. He still had, and ruefully still _has_ a promise to keep. Sephiroth has always been a man of his word. The military trained him well to abide and see his missions through to the very end,” were the almost bitter words.

“And now, this brings us to _you_.” Genesis eyed him with disdain.

Cloud felt affronted. Regret over having come here swelled. All this information was just growing the guilt inside himself somehow. 

With the help of Zack he had been slowly starving the plants in his garden of misery of any sustenance. But it was positively being drowned by a torrential rainstorm at the moment. It was a deluge that flooded the place, and would only serve to make the things growing in there sprout like weeds.

“He loves your father more than you will ever know. He loved your mother in her own right, for she was the compassion he never received but craved for his entire life. And you children - he loved you too. You were the embodiment of the joy and gentleness he could never show to others, not even himself.”

Both men remained silent.

Cloud didn’t miss the past and present tense of the word ‘ _love_ ’ and how Genesis chose to use it. Cloud shifted with unease. His heart beat anxiously. He didn’t know how much Genesis knew of what came after their relative blissful and quiet period, nearly eight years ago to the day. That worried Cloud.

Genesis just continued to train hard eyes on Cloud for a while longer.

Cloud however received his answer after Genesis seemed to think that Cloud had been grilled enough under his scrutiny.

 _“I know what you did_.” There was venom in those words.

“Do you blame me? Do you think it’s my fault?”

“Yes.”

All air squeezed out of Cloud. 

He felt an overwhelming sense of... 

...

......

.........

 _Relief._

It washed over him out of nowhere. 

_Finally!_

He had received a response which exactly mirrored the disgust and hatred he bore for himself. Here was someone who didn’t excuse his actions. Here was someone who finally let it be ok for Cloud to feel like the worst human being alive on the planet. 

Cloud had never known he needed this.

“You ruined him. You were yet another gift which was ripped out of his hands. But it was not death which took you. It would have been much better if death _had_ taken you. Sephiroth would have been able to move on, had that been the case.”

Cloud was taken aback by the harshness of those words. Cloud would never have considered himself to be the bane of Sephiroth's existence. He had never contemplated that his mere existence might be causing suffering to the man. He always attributed the suffering to Cloud’s selfish actions. Never his own person.

“Sephiroth had never been with another man before you came along. But you were not _even_ a man, but a stupid, reckless _boy_. You each took one another's innocence. You each wounded each other and left lifelong _scars_.”

The way Genesis delivered that last line didn’t leave a shadow of a doubt in Cloud’s mind that he knew what Sephiroth had done to Cloud’s body. Cloud was also hit too hard by the revelation that Cloud had been Sephiroth’s first. 

His mouth hung loose, and his thoughts whirled.

Cloud’s mind wandered to Irvine and what he had done to that man. He had been Irvine’s first as well.

His stomach clenched in on itself. He buried his head in his trembling hand for a brief moment as the horror of repeating terrible things from his past overcame him. What kind of a wrecking ball was Cloud? He was ruining _everybody's_ lives!

“I am glad to see that you are finally beginning to realize the severity of your actions.”

Cloud looked back at Genesis with a pained expression. He desperately wanted to say something, but no words left his throat.

“He saw - and continues to see so much of your father in you. He feels like he has been given the biggest gift of all - that of a fresh start - a do-over. The chance he missed with Oswyn can now be reset. He sees no one but _you_. He _wants_ _nobody but you_.” That venom and deep seated contempt returned.

“He blames himself for driving you away. When you distanced yourself from him the sting of the past returned. He felt like he was losing Oswyn all over again. He felt like the promise he had made was going to be broken once more. So he held on tight. Too tightly. He knows he did the wrong things, but he became embittered. A man can only break so many times before it is irreparable. I would never excuse the actions he took against you. But I have compassion for the man who lost so much and gave his all.”

Cloud felt the beginnings of a sob building in the hollow of his chest.

“I never meant - I didn’t know - I just want to make it better,” pleaded Cloud. 

“I understand some of what your relationship with each other is. Sephiroth acknowledges that when he is with you he becomes someone not like himself. You remind him of all the bad and terrible things in his life. You remind him of all his failures and all the promises he just could never keep or adhere to, through no fault of his own.”

The pained expression returned to Cloud’s face. “What have I done?” he breathed with horror.

Genesis finally stood up and walked towards Cloud. 

To Cloud’s surprise Genesis lay a gentle hand on his shoulder. It pulled him out of the pits of his personal internalized hell. “Neither does the fault lie solely with you, Cloud.” Genesis soothed, which caused Cloud to look up and into gentle and friendly eyes. 

“However you are the catalyst responsible for ruining each other. After that you both shaped each other's pasts. Both of you are intertwined with each other and will draw out those terrible feelings and thoughts that haunt each of you.”

“Sephiroth and I … We are the same,” came Cloud’s growing realization. “We both cling too tightly to the past. We both have our own miseries and used and abused each other.”

“You are no good to one another,” stated Genesis.

“But I -I love him, Genesis.” It never got easier the more he said it. “The more you tell me the worse I feel - the more I need to fix it.”

“Did you not come in here announcing you had made your choice to be with Zack?” Genesis sounded angry. “You are a greedy child, vying for the affections of two men.”

“No - I _am_ choosing Zack,” Cloud spoke firmly, needing to remind himself of that fact, as well as convince Genesis of it’s truth. “I just - I wanted to make it work. I wanted to find a way that everyone could be happy.” Cloud searched Genesis’ eyes for forgiveness and understanding. “You _are_ right. I am being a child. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time. I do so many stupid things because - because I want to atone for how I wronged him. I feel so sorry for him. I want to fix things… so I don’t have to feel bad anymore,” swallowed Cloud.

“Sephiroth does not require your pity or sympathy.”

“That’s not -”

“But it is. You are being a stupid and naive child. Thinking that giving yourself up to someone can mystically make things better, when in truth it cannot. There are many different kinds of loves in this world. There is the love a mother shows to a child, love one shows to their friends, even love for strangers. Love can be compassion, respect, care. Love is so much more than just the lust one might feel for what they desire to possess. Love is so much more than blindly giving oneself up for another. Love can be to release, not just to capture and ensnare. There are many ways to love a man. Do not be so sure that the kind you are willing to give him is the kind he needs,” was the cool response. 

Cloud felt so useless at this moment in time. All his best intentions were being laid to waste.

“What am I supposed to do?”

“You should never have come back into his life, Cloud.”

Cloud only winced in more pain.

“Sephiroth was healing - gently with time. We spent many hours together so I could see his improvements. He was able to let go of the dogged obsession of finding you; until your brother waltzed back into his life. It gave him hope. It rekindled that which had slumbered within him so deeply.”

“I can appreciate that your heart resides in the right place, however your prolonged existence in Sephiroth’s life is leaving more damage than it could ever hope to repair.”

“But he - I know he loves me. There's gotta be something I can do to help.”

“Are you willing to sleep with him?”

Cold ice ran down Cloud’s back, causing painful tension within his body.

“Are you willing to return to the painful past and to live treating each other as you had during that upheaving time in your life?”

Cloud was taken aback. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “N-no. I don’t want to relive the past. I want things to get better.”

“Then stop your ego-centrism. You serve as nothing but a painful reminder of his failing to protect the man he loved. The mere fact that he cannot have you the way he would surely want you is a bitter and weeping wound. But I believe that even if he were to have you the way he wishes, he would forever remain discontented. What he sees in you is long dead and gone. Forever slumbering, never to awaken again. A poor substitute will never suffice.”

Was that what Cloud was? “A poor substitute?”

Genesis nodded.

“So I should just leave him be?”

Genesis nodded again.

“But he needs people in his life. If I leave him alone what will become of him?” Cloud suddenly felt panic stricken at the thought of abandoning that man in such an ungrateful fashion.

Genesis let out a huff of genuine and gentle amusement. “You really _are_ a sweet boy when you want to be. But may I remind you that you have already abandoned him once. There is no difference between _that_ time and _this_ time. Sephiroth will be able to move on with his life if you let him. He has friends. He has _me.”_

Cloud stood with that for a moment, gazing at the floor. Genesis was right. Cloud was being too egocentric again, thinking he could control everything and make it all better. He didn’t possess such powers, otherwise he _would_ have brought his parents back to life.

Cloud turned his attention back to Genesis, asking abruptly, “Do you love him?”

“More than he will ever know,” said the man quietly, dropping his hand from Cloud’s shoulder.

“You need to tell him,” declared Cloud with wide eyes.

Genesis chuckled, “Do you not think I already have tried? Do you not think I would not lay my heart and soul bare for the world to see? Let alone the man whom has stolen it away from me?”

“Well you do use pretty flowery language. Maybe he missed it?”

Genesis laughed with more ease.

“Mayhaps. But chances are far more likely that all his heart sees is you, an imperfect replica of a man from his past. Nor you, nor I can ever hope to stand on the shoulders of the giants. We must forever be content with being engulfed in the giants shadows. But I envy you. For you at least are seen and heard. You at least are wanted and desired above all else, for you fit the giants shape so well.”

Cloud’s heart went out to Genesis.

“If I can’t be there for Sephiroth then he needs to know that he’s got you. I don’t think I can live with myself if I leave him like this - in so much pain,” Cloud winces, remembering the conversation he had with his brother. “I need to make sure Sephiroth has a happy ending, Genesis, or I can’t leave him. I won’t be able to forgive myself. I won’t be able to live with myself. So - so I’ll go see Sephiroth, one final time. I am going to put an end to this, Genesis. I am going to tell him that I am leaving and never seeing him again. And I’ll tell him to give you a chance.” 

His eyes dropped to the floor. Disbelief washed over him.

“I can’t believe how similar we are,” muttered Cloud to himself. “The past never brought me happiness, and I need to share that with him. I need to give him a chance at his own happiness and allow him to have a future. A future hopefully with _you_.” Cloud raised his eyes again.

Cloud needed to do that, for the both of them. No - for the three of them. He looked at Genesis as the man gave him a morose smile.

“I hope so too, my dear,” but Genesis didn’t sound like he had a lot of hope left at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm debating whether to post the last two chapters over the next two weeks, since it will be Christmas and New Years. Dunno if anyone will read it, or if everyone will be too busy with family.
> 
> If I don't post them over the next two weeks you can be sure they will be up early in 2017.


	16. The Gift of Absolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud sets out to end things. It is the final showdown - eight years in the making.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moderately explicit content ahead. Not for the faint of heart.
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

Cloud spent another week digesting all that he had learned. He thought about whether or not he truly wanted to let go of Sephiroth. He thought about whether he was _ready_ to let go. He thought about the past eight years and what he had been through. He thought about that space of time and contemplated what they _all_ had been through. Cloud had learned so much about himself and his own capabilities. He had learned about the good and the bad side of himself. He had grown to understand his parents better, and most of all Sephiroth.

The man was hung up on Cloud’s dead father. Cloud felt incredible sympathy towards Sephiroth. Because he knew what it was like to be hung up on someone else. He had been pining after Zack for so long, and that caused him to be completely unfair and borderline abusive and manipulative to someone who never deserved it. Cloud had done to Irvine what Sephiroth had done to Cloud, and Cloud would have to live with that. He never wanted to let it ever happen again.

He could completely understand how easy it was to do crazy things when you were in pain. That thought led Cloud to start spending more time in his bathroom looking at himself in his dingy mirror. He ran his eyes over the marks and familiarized himself with them until they no longer bit into his heart. 

Zack had been right. They were so incredibly faded, almost blending in with his pale skin in spots. Even the scar on his chest itched less with time. Time healed everything, if you didn't let yourself dwell on it and revel in the pain it brought on. Cloud wasn’t very good at that last part. Not yet anyway, but he thought himself to be improving.

Cloud made a habit of sitting on his desk at lunchtime, with a sandwich he was eating in one hand, and his dad’s photograph in the other. He looked at the man and memory in deep thought. At first the thoughts revolved around wishing he had known his father better. Wishing he hadn’t died, but wishing changed nothing. Wishing only caused more pain.

He thought he had made peace with those parts of himself in Wutai. But that chapter was only really coming to a close for himself now. And he probably had Sephiroth and Genesis to thank for that. Slowly he was able to look at the photograph without wincing in pain. He could start to just appreciate the fond memories he held in his heart of his father. He began wishing the same peace for Sephiroth.

One day Cloud was drawn out of one of his pleasant memories of getting a piggy back ride from his father around their backyard, by the sound of a motorbike roaring to life outside. He looked up. He knew it was Zack’s bike. He hadn’t seen heads nor tails of that man in two weeks. Heard him, sure, but not seen even a hint of black spikes or caramel tanned skin.

Cloud missed him.

He hadn’t gone over there to tell Zack his decision. Cloud felt it was too early. He would only go over there when the deed had been done. He didn’t want to make promises to Zack only to go meet with Sephiroth and then fold. He didn’t intend to fold but it was a very serious and terrifying possibility.

The past was too overpowering. Cloud thought clearly right now, but when he came face to face with the man who had meant so much to him all bets were usually off. Cloud didn’t trust himself enough to make a bold statement and commitment to Zack. Cloud didn’t want to disappoint Zack yet again, giving the man false hope. He was fed up of hurting Zack over and over again. He really had to stop hurting those he came in contact with.

Cloud took another bite of his sandwich, and enjoyed the sight of how the summer sun lit everything in its warm glow outside. His heart fluttered as that gorgeous sunlight bounced off Zack’s bike as it slowly rolled into view after a few moments.

Zack looked incredibly sexy in his tight black motorcycle jacket and pants. The helmet was on but the visor was up. They looked at each other and Cloud gave him a tentative smile before shoving the remains of his sandwich into his mouth. He waved at Zack with his now free hand. Cloud could have sworn he saw the ghost of a pained frown as Zack lowered his visor and rode off. He left without so much as a wave back or even a nod of acknowledgement.

But Cloud was ok. It hurt, but he was ok. He only had himself to blame for that response. Cloud knew that Zack still loved him. If he didn’t he wouldn’t have just checked in on him like that. It warmed Cloud’s heart that the man just couldn’t leave Cloud completely alone. That’s why he had come down to Wutai and given Cloud that photograph, after all. 

Cloud set his dad’s frame aside and picked up the one Zack had delivered, gazing at it fondly. Zack probably grilled Denzel about how Cloud was doing as well on a daily basis. Cloud definitely didn’t feel abandoned and as lonely like he had been feeling even a week ago.

He thought a little more about the pain and joy this photograph had caused him. It had been upsetting - but that was only due to the uncertainty regarding the intention behind the gift. He loved the photo, irrespective. And that got him thinking about the power of photographs and memories. 

He became more confident in his resolve. The need to move on grew stronger. But he needed to make sure that both of them were able to move on. It wasn’t fair if only Cloud was able to. Cloud needed to make sure Sephiroth was capable as well, or Cloud would forever be stuck.

Cloud swallowed down the remainder of his lunch and got back to work.

* * *

 

Each passing day felt a little bit longer. But he had deliberately waited a few more before he made his move. It only seemed poetic to end it on the day he had started it all, eight years ago.

He grew more nervous the longer it took to get to Sephiroth’s front door. He had rehearsed his speech in his head. He would talk about how they had wronged each other and how they both needed to move on. He would be gentle and kind. Cloud would encourage Sephiroth to pursue Genesis, give the man a parting gift, shake hands amicably and then leave, never to see those blue-green eyes ever again.

How hard could it be?

He had been greeted warmly and invited inside. It had pained Cloud to see Sephiroth again. It always hurt to see the man, but now it was for an entirely different reason. He couldn’t unsee the hurt and loss. He couldn’t stop feeling the unbridled sadness at knowing this man had loved his father so much. He couldn’t stand the idea that his father had more than likely loved him back but that it had remained forever undisclosed. 

The other thing that burdened Cloud’s heart was that Sephiroth had known Oswyn for longer than Cloud had ever been alive. That idea upset Cloud the most. Cloud had lost a father but Oswyn had been so many more things to Sephiroth. 

“Have a seat, Cloud. I will make you some coffee.”

“No. I won’t be staying long.”

Sephiroth turned around and looked at him with curiosity. “Oh?”

Cloud let out a shaky breath. He could feel his courage weakening.

“I won’t be coming back to see you anymore, Seph. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I think it’s for the best if we -”

“Don’t talk nonsense. Your _boyfriend_ got a little bit upset that you spent the night with me. That isn’t a reason to stop seeing me.” Sephiroth turned away again to head into the kitchen.

“This has nothing to do with that.”

“Of course it doesn’t. That is clearly not why you haven’t been back to see me since then,” the man said sarcastically. “Give Zack some time. He will calm down and we can resume how we were before.”

“You’re not _listening_ to me! This has _nothing_ to do with Zack, and everything to do with _us_ and our history.” Cloud was quickly becoming frustrated with not being taken seriously or acknowledged. 

“If it has anything to do with _us_ ,” he seemed to relish saying that word, “then why bring it up now? Zack became upset, and told you what to do. He probably said ‘ _it’s either me or him_ ’ and now you are scared and are doing whatever will please him. I warned you about that man, didn’t I?”

Cloud’s heart was beginning to pound with anger. He hated that Sephiroth knew. His resolve to be kind flew out the window. “You orchestrated the whole thing. You _manipulated_ me into that situation. You set your stupid trap and I fell for it,” Cloud raged.

Sephiroth turned away from the coffee pot he had been fetching. “Oh please, Cloud. You could see what my aim was a mile away, and yet you still willingly walked into it. You did that because you _wanted_ to do it. I never forced you to kiss me. You willingly indulged in that. And _you_ told me you wanted us to go back to how we once were, remember? So stop blaming me for pushing you once in a while. I’m just helping you along. You know that I am only doing what is best for you.”

The tight lid on his deep seated ugly feelings became uncapped. “You haven’t done what’s _best_ for me since I was fourteen,” Cloud retorted with dangerous ferocity. 

“Just because you can’t see it right now doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

“Stop treating me like a kid. Stop treating me like I don’t know shit and like I’m always wrong and you’re always right!” Cloud’s voice steadily rose with fury. “I’m sick and tired of you trying to portray Zack as the bad guy. I’m sick of you trying to tear us apart. It will _never_ work. I’m sick of your shit and I’m not gonna put up with it anymore.”

“Again, Cloud, if you _loved_ Zack so much _why_ did you kiss me?” Sephiroth asked seductively. He left the kitchen behind and swayed towards Cloud. Sultry eyes trained hard on him. “If your love were as strong as you think it is Zack wouldn’t have gotten upset. He wouldn’t have forced you to choose between himself and me. Zack isn't any good for you. I’m doing this for your own protection.”

“ _You don’t even care about me!”_ Cloud bellowed.

Sephiroth was standing in front of Cloud now, finally seeming to take the conversation Cloud wanted to have seriously. The man was like a deep well of calm, compared to Cloud’s bubbling and spitting cauldron of volatility. Cloud chided himself for being like a stupid little kid right now. He could see the derision in Sephiroth's eyes. They called out his immaturity and shamed him for it.

“You are the one person in the world I care about most. I want, and have always wanted nothing but the best for you,” he said coolly.

“If you truly had wanted what’s _best_ for me you wouldn’t have let me let you fuck me. You should have been more mature! You should have been more grown up. You should have protected me from my own naive stupid self!” Cloud howled in pain. Despite everything he had learned about the man - despite all the change and self-improvements Cloud thought he made, he still held on to a lot of bitterness. The hurt inside himself had been unleashed and it’s target was Sephiroth.

The tears came. He hated himself for it, but the tap wouldn’t turn off. “You let me fuck you over.” Cloud slammed a fist into that taut chest in front of himself. “You let me _ruin_ you and ruin myself in turn. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life!” he sobbed. “I wanted to love you, Seph. I felt I _needed_ to love you - to rid myself of my own guilt. To atone for my sins. But I can’t! I can _never_ love you ever again. We hurt each other too much, and that will _never_ change. Ever!” Cloud’s hands balled into fists and he was desperately wiping his tears away with them.

“Don’t talk like that,” Sephiroth furrowed his brow in worry. “Again, I am sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me.”

Cloud huffed in pain, but those words stilled the flowing river of rage and upset. “How can you ask me to forgive you when I’m the one who needs _your_ forgiveness. I did _terrible_ things to you,” he squeezed out of his lungs.

“There was never anything to forgive.” Sephiroth reached out and stroked Cloud’s wet cheek.

It caused Cloud to finch before he swatted that hand away and stepped back a little. Sephiroth was so toxic. So caring and hurtful and confusing for Cloud to deal with. Sephiroth was _dangerous_. “No, we aren’t doing this again. I’m putting my foot down. I’m _ending_ this,” and Cloud meant it.

“We can make it work. Leave Zack behind and be with me. He confuses you. He doesn’t let you have a chance to explore your true happiness. I know you are happy with me, Cloud. We’re not perfect. I know there is baggage. We can work through it though.”

Cloud looked up at the man. He had never heard Sephiroth sound so worried in his life. He was almost pleading with Cloud. It was disturbing. This man always oozed arrogance and self confidence, but this side of Sephiroth was completely alien to Cloud. But he was desperate to let go. Yet Sephiroth seemed desperate to hang on.

“No, Sephiroth,” Cloud tried once more, with more conviction. He shook his head and sniffed loudly. “We can’t work through it. We are _terrible_ for one another. We only hurt each other. We dig at each other. There are nothing but painful memories between us. I can _barely_ even remember any good times.”

“What about the times we camped out in the backyard? Toasting marshmallows and listening to Roxas’ terrible ghost stories? They always made you laugh more than ever scare you. What about the fun we had on the way to and from school? What about us on your fifteenth birthday?” Sephiroth said tentatively.

Cloud winced in pain. The memory had become so tainted and toxic to him, even though he knew deep down it once had been one of his most precious memories. Their ongoing relationship had soured and eroded everything good and precious. It turned everything into radioactive sludge, which contaminated anything it came in contact with.

“And don’t think I’m not aware of what day it is today. Why would you come here on your twenty-third birthday if you hated everything we shared so much?”

Sephiroth turned away from Cloud and walked into his bedroom.

Cloud’s mind tinged with worry regarding what the man was up to. He used this opportunity to calm himself. He needed to figure out how he could let the man down gently. If Cloud’s outburst had shown him anything it was that Cloud definitely needed to end this. But Sephiroth seemed unable to take ‘ _no’_ for an answer. He just clung on to the things he wanted to see. Cloud hadn’t come here on his birthday for anything other than a _farewell_ gesture.

Cloud needed to make him see that. Cloud needed to make Sephiroth see _him_.

Sephiroth came back, holding a small box out for Cloud to take.

“I came here today because I want to end it,” Cloud answered sternly, eyeing the box which was held out to him. “I have no ulterior motives. I don’t want to win you back, and I will never profess my love for you. And I regret what I said and did three weeks ago. That should never have happened.”

“But it _did_. It came from your heart. From the part that misses what we had. From the part of you that _knows_ how good we could have been had you just behaved.”

“No, it came from the part of me that is too hung up about the past. It came from the part of me that should never be left in charge because all it feels is guilt.”

Sephiroth just seemed to ignore Cloud’s words though.

“It isn’t much, but I wanted you to have this. Happy birthday, Cloud.”

Cloud sighed with a frown and took the box. There was a warmth and gentleness in Sephiroth's eyes, which begrudgingly seemed to always draw Cloud in a little.

The metal box gleamed with a polished finish. It looked like it had been well cared for. He popped the latch open and stared at the metal plate inside, which was engraved with his father's name and military number.

“Dad’s -.” 

Sephiroth gently picked up the chain and worked swiftly at fastening it around Cloud’s neck.

“I want you to have it,” he said again with a gentle smile.

Cloud felt so incredibly uncomfortable having his father's ID pinned to himself. This embodied everything that was wrong between the two of them.

“I met your dad when I was fifteen,” Sephiroth began talking, his eyes firmly planted on Cloud’s chest where the tag hung. “He was assigned to help train me in hand to hand combat. Oswyn was exceptional at his craft, and teaching it as well. We were often stationed together on small missions. Infiltration and recon mostly. But then we also began being put on field operations together working security in more sensitive areas.” Sephiroth chuckled softly as he reminisced. “I actually introduced your parents to one another. Did you ever know that, Cloud?”

Cloud shook his head. He couldn’t say he had ever wondered about how his parents ended up together.

“It was a year after we had met. We were stationed up in Nibelheim, patrolling the old mansion and keeping the outskirts clear of brigands. I believe Claudia took a great interest in me. She often followed me around, like a pup, so it was almost inevitable that she would meet Oswyn. I never took any interest in her in the way she wanted me to, so naturally she was drawn to Oswyn instead.” 

Cloud thought Sephiroth looked slightly bitter.

“They kept in contact after that apparently, because when I met Oswyn again in Wutai when he was twenty-three, I found out he had married your mother and was expecting their first child.” 

Sephiroth seemed to have become absorbed into his own internal world. Cloud knew that look on his face all too well. There was pain and resentment, as well as a deep seated and unfulfilled wish.

Cloud looked back down on the dogtag which hung around his neck. He couldn’t wear it. It felt too wrong - too perverse. An unspoken wish Sephiroth harbored within himself which could and would never be fulfilled.

Cloud took it off and put it back in it’s box, but not before Sephiroth protested.

“Keep it on, Cloud. It is yours.”

“Thanks for the gift, but - I don’t really want it. I don’t need it. I’m done clinging onto the past.” 

Cloud went to press the box back into Sephiroth’s hands but stopped himself. Maybe it wasn’t good to give it back to the man? If Cloud didn’t need this memento of his father then maybe it was best for Sephiroth to not cling onto it either?

“I’ll hold on to it for a while though. I might return these to mom,” he smiled affectionately at that thought.

Sephiroth looked relieved when Cloud pocketed the box.

“I spoke with Genesis.” Cloud roused himself out of his previously soothing thought. He had a job to do, after all. “He told me all the things that you have been refusing to tell me. I know how hung up you are over dad. I know how much you miss him, and how much you love him. I know that all you see when you look at me is _him_.” Cloud said it as gently as he could, but he still felt hurt over it nonetheless.

Sephiroth’s eyes narrowed with some undeterminable emotion. “That is not true,” he defended.

“Don’t lie to me. Don’t deny it. You don’t have to because… because I know what that feels like. That’s how I felt about Zack over the last four years. I was - seeing somebody else - but all I could see and all I wanted was Zack. That’s what’s going on for you, Seph. I just want you to know that I understand. But - that doesn’t make it right. I’m not my father. And... I’m sorry that you lost dad to my mom.”

Sephiroth turned away from Cloud and headed to the widow to look out upon the garden below. Cloud watched broad shoulders rise and fall with deep breaths.

“I never knew how much I loved him until he was gone,” said the man pensively after a while. “It never even crossed my mind that I actually wanted him. In my world it wasn’t normal for men to want each other in such a way, so I never even entertained the thought.”

“I’m sorry you missed your chance to be happy with him in the way you wanted to be. But - for what it’s worth - I know he loved you back.”

Sephiroth turned his head towards Cloud with a cocked eyebrow.

“When dad would come back home and we spent time together he’d always talk about what you two had gotten up to. He always told me how great of a guy you were. He often used the word _‘love_ ’, but I just never knew the full extent of it.”

But that only seemed to darken and sour Sephiroth’s mood.

Cloud mentally kicked himself. This wasn’t helping. He tried to picture what it would be like if he had been in Sephiroth’s situation instead. To have loved Zack without ever knowing or telling the man until it was too late. It hurt an awful lot just thinking about it. “I’m sorry,” Cloud muttered.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I do not regret introducing your parents to each other. I do not regret having you in my life.” Sephiroth turned back, making short work of the distance between the two of them. He cupped Cloud’s face between the crook of his thumb and index finger.

Panic flooded Cloud. _Not this again!_ Cloud pulled his face away and stepped backwards, out of the man’s reach. “No, Sephiroth. How many times do I need to tell you that we are _never_ doing this again.”

“Why?”

“Because we aren’t good for one another. We hurt each other. I hurt you every time you look at me. I remind you of all that could have been. Genesis is right though. I am a really poor substitute. I’m _not_ Oswyn. And I _need_ you to get that through your head.” Cloud pleaded. “The way you see me isn’t fair. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t see me for who I am.”

“But I do see you.” Sephiroth stepped towards Cloud but Cloud just stepped backwards. 

“No, you really don’t. You still see me as that naive kid who would do anything to please you and please myself. But I’m not that same kid anymore. I don’t need your care and affections anymore every time I get upset. I no longer need your protection. I’m an adult now. I’ve been through shit because of you. I’ve been through even _more_ shit because of _me_. I’ve grown up. I’m Cloud Strife. But you will _never_ see that, because the past fogs your sight. And I’ve been there. I’ve lived in the past. I know what it feels like to love a shadow and to cast away my own happiness and to destroy others happiness because of that eternal and elusive chase.”

“I don’t want that for either of us, Seph. It’s a miserable place. We’ll make each other miserable, because all you see is Oswyn when you look at me. And all I see when I look at you is our bad past. No amount of good will ever undo the pain you caused me. And I know that isn’t fair on you either. You deserve to be with someone who sees your good points.”

Sephiroth stood tall, skin pulled tight across his cheeks with disdain.

“Is that what this is about? The terrible things I did to you in the past? How many times do you want me to apologize for that? I confess it was wrong of me. I was angry and upset. I couldn't have you leave me. I _still_ cannot have you leave me. What do you need from me to forget about it?”

“I don’t need _anything_ from you. I need you to move on. I need you to forget about us,” Cloud said feverishly. Warning bells went off in his head as his back slammed into the wall. He had desperately tried to keep a safe distance between himself and Sephiroth, but it had just ended the same way as last time. 

“If you need revenge then so be it. I’ll take anything you want to give me to keep you at my side.”

 _Revenge_? Cloud’s eyes widened as Sephiroth caressed his cheek. The man quickly retreated towards his bedroom.

Cloud’s adrenalin spiked through the roof. This was not going the way he had envisioned it. Not at all. He dug out his phone and sent a hasty text message, hitting the send button and pocketing it again just as Sephiroth walked back into the room with - not just _A_ \- but _the_ Masamune. Sephiroth's weapon of choice - for _everything_ he _ever_ did.

Cloud’s eyes went wide in horror and a sea of nausea washed over him. Cloud felt faint. It was hard to breath. His body trembled uncontrollably. He hadn’t moved on from this at all. The adult he had been a moment ago vanished and left a quaking child in its absence.

Sephiroth wore a dour expression. He narrowed his eyes at Cloud’s quivering form and a sadistic smirk flashed across his lips. It was the same look he had always worn in the past.

Sephiroth got too close, but Cloud’s body was unable to move. He just felt pinned against the wall. And then he actually, physically, _was_ pinned to the wall by Sephiroth’s hand on one shoulder and the feel of searing cold steel pressed and slicing against Cloud’s cheek with the broad side.

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut against the terror which stirred inside. He however managed to squeak out a woeful, “What are you doing?”

The oppressive air between them cleared. Sephiroth snapped out of whatever cold and dreadful part of his past he had been stuck in and stepped back from Cloud suddenly. 

Tears had begun welling up again for Cloud. The look of sheer disgust and contempt couldn’t be hidden as he glared at Sephiroth.

“Cut me - if it will make you feel better.”

Cloud had a hard time registering the words.

Sephiroth deftly flipped his Masamune so the hilt was facing towards Cloud.

“Take it, and do what you want with me. It will make you feel better. We will be able to be together.”

He was still stunned. _What?_

When Cloud didn’t move, irritation showed on Sephiroth’s face. He grabbed Cloud’s trembling hand and thrust the hilt into the palm, forcefully clasping Cloud’s fingers over it.

It was heavy, leathery and rough with wear and tear. But Cloud held on. It felt perverted for Sephiroth to be offering this vengence out to Cloud. He felt sick holding the instrument of so much of Cloud’s pain in his own hands.

Sephiroth meanwhile undid his shirt and flung it to the ground. He stretched his arms out wide, tilted his head and cocked an eyebrow.

“Go on. Whatever it takes to keep you, I will do it.”

Cloud squeezed the hilt tightly and moved his hand a little. The Masamune moved, like an extension of his own self. There was power and grace in that blade.

Sephiroth smirked with glee as he watched Cloud experiment with the feel of the weapon in his hand. “She feels marvelous, doesn’t she?”

Cloud’s head snapped up and he pointed the blade at Sephiroth’s chest. A thought suddenly occurred to Cloud, “Shouldn’t security be coming?”

Sephiroth’s lip quirked. “I had the camera’s taken out of here after Roxas’ little stunt.”

Icy dread ran down Cloud’s body. He pressed the point of the sword firmly into Sephiroth’s chest in defense. He had left himself to Sephiroth's mercy all this time? A sickening cold chill ran through Cloud.

“You were always completely alone with me, and I never harmed you. And no one will come to my rescue now. No one will come to your rescue either.” Sephiroth dropped his voice, and spoke in a husky whisper, “Go on, Cloud. Do it. See how good it will feel. Then I will take you to my bed and you can do whatever you wish with me there as well.” A self satisfied sneer danced on cold lips.

Cloud’s hand began trembling. He placed his other hand on the hilt to help steady himself. Cloud really wanted to take Sephiroth up on the offer. His past self wanted to eke out revenge. His past self wanted the other man to feel the pain and humiliation Cloud had endured during the longest year and a half of his life. And a part of him also wanted -.

 _No_.

But… -. It would be so easy. 

Cloud pushed the blade a little further, piercing the skin. He watched a small trickle of blood wind it’s way down the valleys of Sephiroth’s well defined body. 

The sickening grin only intensified upon that man’s lips.

 _What_ would Cloud become if he did this?

Time just froze. A million feelings ran through Cloud all at once. A million ways how this could play out raced through his mind. But he asked himself again - _Who_ would Cloud become if he did this?

There was only one disgusting and abhorrent answer. He flung the blade across the room, with great force. It clattered and skid along the floor. Cloud’s eyes burned into Sephiroth’s skin, where Cloud had punctured and pierced him. He wanted that weapon… he wanted this man as far away from himself as possible.

“If I do this I lose myself.”

“If you do this you will give _us_ a chance. _We_ can have a new beginning.”

“A beginning bathed in blood, regret and hurt? I’m not letting you relive my father's death,” fists clenched tight at his sides, “I’m not letting you turn me into my father. I’m not letting you turn me into _you!_ ” Cloud bellowed right into Sephiroth’s face. 

“We are _so_ over and done with, Sephiroth,” Cloud spat.

The back of Cloud’s head suddenly smashed against the wall and he became pinned. His arms were up in the air where Sephiroth held him by his wrists.

“You were _always_ so selfish,” he hissed. “You never did as I asked, you were defiant and arrogant. You made me love you when all I wanted was to do my duty by your father and be left in peace.” 

The warmth which had intermittently flickered through Sephiroth’s eyes that afternoon was completely gone. In its wake was left cold murderous steel. 

“And even now you won’t accept my gifts. You won’t cut your hair! You refuse to see the happiness you can have with me in favor of what? Pleasing that lowly runt you’ve convinced yourself loves you? And that you _think_ you love right back? Don’t make me sick. You are deluding yourself, and I cannot stand you doing this to yourself. You don’t _love_ Zack. You love _me_. You have just forgotten. But I will _fix_ that.”

Sephiroth’s hand, like a cold firm vice, grabbed a fistfull of Cloud’s hair. He ripped Cloud from the wall and Cloud screamed, stooping over as he was pulled along. All he could see was the floor and his feet as he stumbled towards the only feasible destination - the bedroom. Cloud was about to get punished for disobeying. He knew how this had always gone down in the past. He was 16 again. He felt so weak. 

He tried to drag his feet along the ground, but continued to be unwillingly hauled along with the brute. Cloud’s fingers flew to his scalp, slapping and digging into that hateful grip, trying to dislodge Sephiroth from himself. It only tightened the grip, and intensified the pain. Cloud’s hands were swatted away, like they were inconsequential flies.

Something blue and solid caught in Cloud’s periphery. He tried flinging himself towards it. Arms and hands found the sofa’s armrest. Fingernails scraped and scratched along the rough fabric as Sephiroth continued to pull Cloud along their detestable trajectory. Cloud tried to fight. He tried to hold on - to stop their forward motion to his terrible destination. Cloud found some strength deep down. Knuckles turned white, fingertips burned. He clung to the sofa in desperation. His foot wedged under the furnitures sturdy leg. 

Sephiroth’s cold grip yanked, gripped and tore cruelly at Cloud’s hair. Cloud grit his teeth, wanting to keep the agony inside. 

Burning pain in hair follicles abated. Tugging motions ceased. Cloud collapsed to the ground. Hip and shoulder hit the floor with a sickening crash. He scrambled onto knees. He latched onto the armrest of the sofa, like he was a drowned rat desperately clinging to the side of a life raft. The cold steely vice clasped onto Cloud’s ankle. It gave a firm jerk, throwing Cloud off balance. Cloud’s leg was pulled out from under him and his body left the ground. Cloud’s arms tightened around the armrest. Nails dug in, snagging, tearing. 

“Let go!” he screamed with ferocity and fear all rolled into one.

Yet the pulling never ceased.

Cloud’s heart raced. His limbs shook. Adrenaline and panic all sapping his energy reserves. His mind didn’t want to, but his body gave out. His grip slipped. Eyes squeezed shut and chest hit the ground, snapping Cloud into winded silence. 

His body dragged along the floor. Eyes flew open. The sofa became smaller as Sephiroth pulled him away from it. Arms shot out in final desperation. He stretched and strained. Fingers caught nothing but air. Reflexively his free leg pushed against the floor. Boot squeaked against polished wood. Cloud pushed and jerked his trapped leg. He found a perch amongst the chaos and leveraged himself against it, launching forward. Despairing hands reaching outward. 

Fingertips brushed. Arm strained. Palm clasped and fingers tightened onto the sofa leg. He held on for dear life. Sephiroth grunted with heated irritation and yanked at Cloud’s leg. Cloud kicked out with his free leg. He aimed towards the general direction in which he knew Sephiroth to be in, but hit nothing but air. 

Claws dug in tight around Cloud’s ankle, pulling him. Cloud’s voice returned. A pained cry heaved out of his chest. Sephiroth’s strength was immense. He pulled with great force, trying to dislodge Cloud from the sofa. Cloud’s other hand flew to the sofa, holding on. Arms trembled. His very core shook with the strain against the sickening tug of war.

The legs of the heavy object groaned and screeched against the wooden floorboards. Sephiroth wrenched harder, eliciting so much pain in Cloud’s limbs that he had to let go. 

Fingers scrambled and dragged over floorboards, aching to find a wide enough crack to anchor against. But Cloud found nothing. The sofa drifted into the distance. He could hardly even see the details of the room anymore through his tear filled vision. He kept kicking, trying to smash his heel against the cruel grip. He tried twisting his body every which way to wriggle out and to freedom, but he felt so fatigued. Every part of him shook. Every atom was spent. Mutters and pleas fell out of his mouth between the diminishing screams and cries. Inane implorations for lenience rolled out in waves, all to no avail.

Cloud continued to be dragged. He gave up kicking, instead focusing on anchoring himself. On creating drag. On making himself as lead-like as possible. Anything he could to slow down the movement towards the one place he never wanted to find himself alone with Sephiroth ever again. But Sephiroth was too powerful. Nothing Cloud did worked. Sephiroth could have easily picked him up and carried him - but no. He chose to drag Cloud, because he wanted him to hurt. He wanted Cloud to know that Sephiroth dominated him and would always overpower him.

Cloud’s hand suddenly found a place to take root. The doorframe passed and Cloud latched on for dear life. He tried to swing his body to anchor his free leg against the edge as well - to push against it and his demon. But his trapped limb was only yanked harder, and Cloud’s sobs only became louder, drowning out his pained screams and words.

Cloud wanted to die rather than have this happen again.

A sharp succession of knocks pierced the suffocating air, stilling Sephiroth's movements. Cloud’s leg was released, and hit the floor with a hard _thud_. Cloud’s breath ran ragged. Tears of overwhelming relief and shock cascaded from his eyes. He pressed his forehead against the floorboards, in the vain hope to be swallowed up and disappear. He screamed silently into the ground and the pain and exhaustion washed out of his chest, and stung his eyes.

The knock came again, followed by, “ _Sephiroth, let me inside at once._ ”

Cloud could hear Sephiroth shifting around the room, straightening up the sofa. He heard the man walk over to where he had discarded his shirt, before the distinct sound of metal scraping against tiles drifted to Cloud’s ears. The pounding on the door only increased with fury.

Next came the click of said door being opened.

“Sephiroth! What in heaven’s name -”

The door clicked shut again.

Footfalls tapped and scurried across the floorboards, growing louder. Something rushed over the top of him and landed behind.

Pure, unadulterated relief washed through Cloud as he heard soft mutterings above himself. Strong, warm arms fell on his back, stroking and patting him. Safety had come. His guardian angel’s arms wrapping themselves around Cloud’s waist, helping and supporting him as Cloud slowly dragged himself off the floor. He stood up, shaking like a leaf in a stormy gale.

Genesis had come in the knick of time. Cloud was overwhelmed with gratitude. The tears came out a little bit hotter and faster. Cloud thanked himself for having had enough foresight to have messaged the man when he did. Sephiroth may know Cloud, but Cloud also knew Sephiroth.

Genesis slowly walked Cloud over to the sofa. Each step felt like he was dragging double his own weight, despite Genesis supporting and almost carrying Cloud completely. 

Cloud slumped and sank into the sofa. His eyes shut tight. He didn’t want to see anything. He didn’t want to catch sight of silver. 

Genesis worried hands ran all over him. They rested on his hands and brushed over torn up and bleeding fingernails. Cloud’s tears were wiped off cheeks and soft warm words were spoken. “Are you alright, Cloud? He did not hurt you anywhere else, did he?” 

Cloud sobbed but shook his head. How could he explain that his soul was irreparably damaged? How could he tell Genesis that his heart had been ripped out and burnt to cinders?

An exhausted, shaking sob rattled out of Cloud. 

Genesis kept talking, but the voice became lost in a sea of ringing and a flood of thoughts.

Despite everything, Cloud had _still_ harbored some hope that he might be able to make it work with Sephiroth. But this proved it. This was the end. This had finally killed the hope that had continued to flutter and struggle to stay alive despite everything that has ever happened for so many torturous years.

The buzzing in Cloud’s ears abated as warm air hit his face and something solid was pushed to his lips. Cloud’s eyes sprang open with a start. Genesis’ worried face greeted. A mug of steaming liquid was held up to him. Cloud’s arms lifted, though they felt like two heavy sets of anvils. The mug was an enormous boulder, but Genesis held on and helped Cloud take a few sips of the sweet and spiced drink.

“This will help sooth you and return some of your strength,” Genesis reassured in a gentle and relaxed manner. 

Comforting fingers ran through, and smoothed out Cloud’s disheveled hair, while Cloud took sips. Tears continued to stream out, making the world blurry. But the quaking in his limbs lessened fractionally. The sweetness of the tea returned some energy to him and mollified the roiling and buzzing inside his gut. But it could not sooth the deep cut to his heart.

“Are you feeling better?”

Cloud nodded, and wheezed out a, “Thank you,” past the lip of the mug he cradled protectively.

Genesis gave a sympathetic smile to Cloud. More tears were wiped from Cloud’s face. Cheeks and jaw were tenderly stroked, before Genesis got up. The veil of calm fell away. He rounded on Sephiroth, who had been standing off to the side, much to Cloud’s relief. 

Heated words chilled the whole room, “What in Heaven's name were you doing, Sephiroth? Why have you gotten your Masamune out? You promised that it was forever retired.” 

There was a pointed sharpness, akin to rage, in Genesis’ words. As well as a deep rumble of disappointment.

Cloud couldn’t bare to look at the man who had always managed to hurt him most. He just listened through the thumping of his heart and the rush of his pulse roaring through his ears. 

“Sephiroth, look at me. Do not look at Cloud, look at _me_.”

“What happened? Why is your apartment in such a disheveled mess? And look at your beautiful shirt.”

There were some shuffling sounds.

“Why are you bleeding? What did the two of you do to each other?”

Cloud heard Sephiroth’s quiet voice but couldn’t make out what he was saying. 

“How could you do such a thing? You swore you no longer wished to be this monster. You crave to be human - can you not recall how many times you had spoken about no longer wanting to destroy everything you love and cherish?”

“Sephiroth - where is the man that I know you to be?”

Sephiroth let out a loud breath, sounding exhausted and strained.

“Why can you not see how detrimental it is for you to hold so tightly onto the past?” Genesis said more gently. “How much clearer must Cloud make it to you that he does not want you.”

“Genesis,” Sephiroth growled dangerously.

“No,” the other man retorted forcefully. “You can see what this love is turning you into. Cease turning a blind eye to it. I know you are better than this. I know you will ruminate and berate yourself in a few hours time. I know how you torture yourself. I want you to stop doing this to yourself”

Cloud finished his tea and wiped at his tears. The world was coming back into focus. His heart was settling and the roar in his ears was just a quiet hum of background noise. He felt uncomfortable listening in to this private conversation. He felt so uncomfortable to be there. Cloud just gently wrung his hands, wincing with how tender his fingers felt. He kept listening with sickening intrigue. 

Genesis lowered his voice, but Cloud could still hear.

“I have told you, asked you, begged you _so many times_ to let this boy go. It annihilates my heart every time I see you like this, Sephiroth. You must let this pass. You _must_ let others into your heart, to take the place of those you lost. Let others care for you, Sephiroth.”

“I made a promise,” was the attempt to shut Genesis down.

“You hold on too tight. You taint and destroy the pure and tragic promise you have made.” Genesis’ voice dropped even further. “This is not what Oswyn would have ever wished for you. You harm and mock the memory of the man. Find it in your soul to forgive yourself.”

Cloud felt terrible listening in. This sounded so much like the conversations and desperate pleas Cloud had received from Zack. Genesis’ words around forgiveness stuck in Cloud’s head. Roxas had begged Cloud to forgive himself. He hadn’t known or understood how to go about it. But he thought he was getting a clearer picture of it now. He could see so much of himself in Sephiroth. Instead of deep disgust and pain however something else was beginning to blossom.

Cloud dared to look at Sephiroth. Bile rose in the back of his throat. His stomach knotted. He exhaled a shaky breath as he took Sephiroth in. The darkness had left the man’s eyes and body. He looked like a little child who knew he had done the wrong thing but hadn’t been able to help himself. 

It was such a surreal feeling seeing Sephiroth this way. It gave Cloud some strength. He found fire and fortitude within himself and slowly rose up off the sofa. His feet moved forward unsteadily, but he managed it without stumbling. He made his way over to the two men, and stare Sephiroth right in the eyes. 

“Do you understand now?” his voice rasped with exhaustion and from having been taxed by all the screams from a little while earlier. “Do you finally see? What just happened will _never stop happening_. And I can’t live like that. I don’t want to see you live like that either, Seph. I don’t want to keep hurting you. I don’t want either of us to be torturing ourselves, or each other anymore because of the past. So I’m letting go. Of the past _and_ of us.”

“I need you, Cloud. I need you in my life.”

“You don’t,” Cloud insisted.

“You make things better. You make _me_ better,” Sephiroth persister.

Cloud couldn’t recall ever having seen Sephiroth look so vulnerable before in his life. Once upon a time he would have wished to see this and he would have reveled in the joy of bringing this glorious man to his knees. But now all he was left feeling was a fragile sadness within himself. All he wanted was to heal the hurt and pain. Cloud knew that he needed to let the man move on with his life if Sephiroth was to ever achieve it.

“That’s not true, Seph. If - if what just happened between us is you being ‘ _better’ - well_ then I really don’t want to see you at your worst. And I think I’ve gotten pretty close to that in the past. I’m making things _worse_ for you Seph. You’ve never needed _me_. You never saw me anyway, you only ever saw dad. You only _needed_ the ideaof me. But I refuse to be that for you.”

“I see you, Cloud.”

A bitter huff escaped Cloud’s throat. All the sweet talking in the world wouldn’t change his mind now. Cloud stepped away from the two men to find the bag he had been carrying with himself when he had first stepped foot into this place. He pulled out the picture frame of his father. He gave it a final fond stroke and a smile, before he walked back and handed it to Sephiroth.

“Of course you sometimes see me, but all you ever want is him.”

Cloud caught Genesis throwing an unhappy glare towards him, but Cloud shrugged it off.

“I want you to have this. I want you to replace the awful image of my dad dying in your arms and I want you to instead see the life he had lived. I want you to see the moments of joy you two shared, and I want you to know that he wouldn’t have wished what we are doing to ourselves and each other on either of us.”

“And Sephiroth,” Cloud added gently, “I will allow you to see me one more time like Oswyn. Just once more. Look at me, Sephiroth. Take a long hard look and listen to me.”

Sephiroth’s eyes rested on Cloud. He looked him over. His eyes trailed over Cloud’s hands. It made Cloud uncomfortable, but he refused to shy away, because his father probably wouldn’t have either.

“Sephiroth.” 

Blue-green eyes drew back up to look at Cloud.

Cloud took a deep breath and bore a stern face. He spoke with a lot of strength and conviction. He spoke from his heart, “I absolve you of your promise, and oath you made to my father as you were both dying there in Wutai.”

Sephiroth inhaled sharply. His body tensed.

“My father lost his life but you lost your heart. I forgive you for not being able to protect Oswyn. I forgive you for not being able to do more for Claudia. I forgive you -,” Cloud sucked in a pained breath. He steeled himself against the hurt and sadness in his chest, “for every single emotional and physical scar you have _ever_ left on me and Roxas. This is your absolution. You are relieved of duty, General.” Cloud saluted, and Sephiroth, out of habit, returned it.

Sephiroth stood silent, trembling ever so slightly. His eyes squeezed shut.

Cloud’s heart clenched.

“I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me too,” came Cloud’s brittle voice. “I know you said that there was never anything to forgive - but that’s a lie, and we both know it. I thought I needed your love to make me whole. Everything had been taken from me in my life and it left me feeling broken. I never knew until I started talking to Genesis how broken you were as well. I - I think I get why I wanted you so much back then. You helped fill the empty part that hurt too much. And - I helped fill some of those parts in you, too. And it worked for a while, but this love no longer fixes things. It’s acid, it’s eating and burning away at us, Seph, and we _have_ to stop.”

Sephiroth had opened his eyes again, looking very glassy.

“I want you to know how important you were to me. You were my world, Seph. You kept Rox and me safe when it mattered most, and I can never thank you enough for that.”

Sephiroth’s exhale trembled and a tear rolled down his cheek.

“I wronged you, and I wronged myself. So again,” Cloud breathed deeply. His own eyes tearing over with too much emotion, “I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me. Because… I’m forgiving myself, whether you allow it or not. I’m making peace with my past so I can go be with my future. I know who makes me happy in my life. I know who is good for me in my life. And I’m going to allow myself to have that. And I want the same for you, Seph. Let go of the past. Let go of the dead man haunting you. Remember him for his good qualities, but then move on, and let the people who care for you, and are here for you _right now_ into your life.”

Cloud looked at Genesis, and Sephiroth followed his gaze, locking onto the auburn haired man who had been his closest confidant and steadfast companion over the past three years.

“Genesis feels the same way about you as you felt about my dad.”

Cloud watched both men continuing to gaze at each other.

“Genesis loves you, Sephiroth. Even if he can never say it plainly.”

“Hush, churl,” Genesis scowled, albeit with no malice in his voice or expression. Genesis just kept his eyes transfixed on the man he cherished.

“Stop carrying everyone else's burden. You have done enough for the people of this world. You’ve suffered enough. You’re not a weapon anymore. You deserve to have a normal life. You deserve to have people love and care for you.” And Cloud wasn’t solely saying this for Sephiroth’s benefit. He was absolving himself as well.

Sephiroth’s eyes returned to look at Cloud, but Cloud cut Sephiroth off before he could say anything, “I will never love you again in the way that I used to. You’re right. We are a part of each other’s lives. I can never erase the evidence of your existence. I’ve come to terms with that. I will continue to care for you though. I will continue to hope and pray for you to find your own absolution. To find it in yourself to forgive.”

There was silence bar the ticking of the clock and the quiet hum of the air conditioning unit. The look that Genesis gave Cloud was a pleased one. Sephiroth and Genesis had intertwined their fingers at some point during Cloud’s speech.

Cloud didn’t feel like he had anything more to give. He was spent and he had said everything he could ever want to get off his chest. Cloud let his shoulders slump which had been rigid with tension. He sighed with relief and looked at Sephiroth. The warmth had returned to those eyes.

A tender hand reached out and ran through Cloud's hair. They both looked at each other. Their past experiences and hurts mirrored in one another’s eyes and so alike.

Cloud gave Sephiroth a smile he hadn’t been able to give this corrosive man in almost a decade. Cloud felt himself be drawn into a hug and he willingly gave into the tug.

Cloud nestled against the man’s chest. Sephiroth had once been protection and care. Sephiroth had once been love and compassion. He could be that man again. But not to Cloud. Never again to Cloud. 

Cloud had a deeper appreciation for the man now. He had seen the subtleties and nuances of that man’s character. A gratitude and a different kind of love began to simmer in Cloud.

Hot breath brushed against Cloud’s ear, “I am _so_ sorry, Cloud. But thank you. Thank you for your gift.”

They pulled away from each other, soft smiles all abound.

“Goodbye, Sephiroth.”

They nodded at each other and Cloud, picking up his bag, left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conflict resolved. That was a bit intense.
> 
> There is just one more chapter left. So any feedback, comments, reviews regarding this whole fic and series would now be greatly welcomed ^__^


	17. All In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cloud breaks the news of his decision to Zack.

He had actually done it. It had been a lot messier than he ever anticipated but Cloud had accomplished it. He had been able to walk out of the hospital, after getting his fingers tended to, with his head held high and feelings of triumph gently washing over him. By the time his journey ended at the door of his warehouse Cloud was exhausted. He slumped down next to his bike unable to care about much of anything bar the relief he felt. He lay on the ground, staring up at the sky. It looked bluer than he had ever seen it before. The sun shone brighter than it had ever before.

Cloud was free. Free like he had never been before in his life. The shadow of the past no longer hung over him. It was still there, and would always be there, but it was safely tucked away in a corner, and Cloud felt confident that it would never threaten him again. Because things had ended _right_. It hadn’t been perfect, but it had been right.

He could focus on his future now. What an alien concept. He could actually for once in his life _truly_ focus on his future. That thought made him ecstatic. And not in a demure and quiet way either, as often was Cloud’s prefered state of existing. No, he was burning with energy all of a sudden. His heart drummed a wild tune. His cheeks ached from the smile he had worn since he turned his back on that hospital. He wanted to dance and sing and scream. And he wanted to do all these things with Zack.

But Zack was gone. This was the resupply run to the church weekend. And Cloud knew Zack had gone down this morning, with Denzel and Rupert. And on top of that he would be visiting his parents this entire coming week. Cloud would have to sit on his excitement until Zack returned.

Cloud supposed he could share his joy with Roxas. His brother _had_ tried to call him several times that morning, after all. But Cloud had ignored the calls on purpose. He had needed to concentrate on pumping himself up for his encounter with Sephiroth. But Cloud was now in a much better frame of mind to actually _be_ happy on his birthday and to talk to another living being.

Cloud lifted his hips off the ground and rummaged through his pockets, feeling for his phone. 

A shadow fell across his chest on this most beautiful and cloudless of days.

Cloud’s hips dropped and he looked across to the source of the dark shape. His breath caught. His heart erupted and burst. Cloud lurched into a sitting position. “Zack! What are you doing here? I thought you’d gone to Gongaga.” The pieces of Cloud’s heart that had remained intact thumped with excitement. He couldn’t keep the ever increasing joy from his face.

Zack however spoke stiffly, “Roxas called me. He told me today’s your birthday,” Zack rubbed the back of his head, “so I figured I should stay - no one should be alone on their birthday.”

Cloud felt touched by the man’s love for him. His smile only broadened, scrunching his face up with the immense affection he felt. 

Zack had - of course - guessed correctly that the old Cloud would be having a miserable time on his birthday. Even though they weren’t technically on speaking terms right now Zack made the exception to look out for him. Because that’s the kind of guy he was. Because that’s how much Zack loved him.

Jumping up, Cloud lightly dusted himself off and strode towards Zack for a hug. But he was taken aback by Zack’s serious expression. 

There was pain in his voice as he quickly spoke, “You went to the hospital today, didn’t you? I was looking for you earlier, but you weren’t here.”

Cloud’s smile fell and he stopped within arms reach of Zack. “Yeah. I saw Sephiroth,” Cloud responded. The gravitas in his voice matching Zack’s, beautifully.

Zack refused to look at Cloud, casting eyes to the side. “I’m sorry to do this to you on your birthday, but - I’m all out of patience, Cloud,” Zack’s words were labored and burdened. 

Cloud believed him. He had stretched Zack’s good will to the limit.

Zack’s eyes flicked up. “I need an answer, _today_.”

Cloud bit his lip to keep the shit eating grin inside. Everything was alright, Zack just didn’t know it yet. Cloud had thought long and hard about how he wanted to announce his choice to Zack. How to properly tell this gorgeous ball of energy, compassion and strength that Cloud had chosen _him_ ; his future and probably the love of his life. 

Cloud had run through different scenarios but there was only one he always seemed to return to. There was only one which felt poetic; only one which just _fit_. It was the most embarrassing, and most out of character thing for Cloud to ever do, but Cloud wanted to do it - for Zack, and himself. If Cloud ever wanted things to change in his life he knew he had to change himself as well.

There was no more shadow of the past to loom over and drown Cloud. That excitement of being free to live his life any way he wanted to, engulfed him. It coursed through his veins. His heart raced with vigor.

He didn’t want to give the game away though. So Cloud mustered up all his two decades worth of experience at looking as solemn and grave as possible. He even threw in a bit of a pained frown, just to make Zack stew a bit more. 

It seemed to be working, judging by how Zack’s brow furrowed and the way sadness creeped into those naturally cheerful eyes.

“I _have_ made a decision,” he said gravely, while fireworks went off inside himself. “Can you come inside with me? I don't want to do this out here.” Cloud threw a glance over Zack’s shoulder and waved at Mr. Hennesey across the way, who waved back.

“Sure,” Zack said, breathing out the tension he carried. He glanced over his shoulder and also waved at the man across from them, with a forced smile.

Cloud slowly lead the way inside to his workshop. It was actually difficult to keep the spring out of his step. This was so bizarre. Cloud never thought it possible for him to feel this way. He turned when they reached his desk.“Can you just wait here for a moment. I need to get something.”

“Sure,” was the terse response.

Zack looked so anxious. Cloud was drinking it up. His excitement was building to its crescendo. He couldn’t wait to see Zack’s face. He also couldn't wait to see what amusing punishment Zack would come up with once found out how badly he had been tricked.

Cloud breathed in deep, quieting the trembling in his body. He moved up the stairs with very slow and deliberate movements. Yet once he was behind closed doors the grin he had been suppressing sprung forth. He raced around to fetch what he needed. Nerves were building inside of Cloud but he pushed through them. He wasn’t going to chicken out of this. Cloud would never have found freedom and love if Zack had ever chickened out in the past. Cloud wanted to be brave like Zack. 

No. 

He _was_ brave like Zack.

Having grabbed his speakers and music player he raced back to his door. Cloud breathed in deep, composing himself, and donned on the deadpan expression he had always worn so well. He gravely walked back down the stairs to stand before Zack.

Cloud buzzed with nervous energy. Warmth spread up his neck and onto his cheeks. He lit up with embarrassment. He couldn’t stop the pained expression from scrunching up his face. Cloud set the speaker down on his desk, found the karaoke track and hit the play button.

The music started, and Zack looked confused. “What’s going on?”

Cloud tried to keep a straight face as he began to sway. He inhaled sharply. “I’m giving you my answer.” Cloud was completely unsure and uncomfortable with himself. It was too much like how he had been when he started his journey with Roxas six years ago. He felt totally stupid, and out of his depth. But he also knew it was something he needed to do. Better things awaited him when he pushed himself, and pushed through the negativity that lived in his head. 

He had always needed to get on with life. And he owed Zack _so_ much. So what was a few minutes of looking a fool? But he felt so sick inside. Cloud swallowed it down though. He started slow, breathing deeply to still his nerves. He sang with deliberation and care, trying to find his voice.

**♪** _All night staring at the ceiling_  
**♪** _Counting for minutes I've been feeling this way_  
**♪** _So far away and so alone_

Cloud fixed his eyes on Zack the whole time, much like Zack had done with Cloud so long ago. His stomach blazed with a hurricane of butterflies. Cloud wanted Zack to know that _every - single - word -_ was for him. Cloud meant everything he was singing, even if he didn’t come up with the words himself.

**♪** _But you know it's alright_  
**♪** _I came to my senses_  
**♪** _Letting go of my defenses_  
**♪** _There's no way I'm giving up this time_  
**♪** _Yeah, you know I'm right here_  
**♪** _I'm not losing you this time_

As the music built Cloud felt it echo and mirror the excitement and joy that currently lived within himself. Cloud became more comfortable with himself and what he was doing. And the same could be said for his life in general. Cloud was a lot more confident in his own skin nowadays. He had found something to fight for. And it wasn’t so much an external force either, but more an internal one. Cloud had learned to fight for himself.

He gave himself over to the chorus.

**♪** _And I'm all in, nothing left to hide_  
**♪** _I've fallen harder than a landslide_  
**♪** _I spent a week away from you last night_  
**♪** _And now I'm calling, calling out your name_  
**♪** _Even if I lose the game, I'm all in_  
**♪** _I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life_

Cloud watched with glee as Zack’s expression changed. The words began to wash over him. Confusion morphed and blossomed into understanding. The small quip of lips grew into an enormous, all encompassing smile.

Cloud moved closer to Zack. He wanted to be intimate with him. He wanted Zack to know how much their relationship meant to him. Cloud poured his heart into the next verse.

**♪** _There's no taking back_  
**♪** _What we've got's too strong,_  
**♪** _We've had each other's back for too long_  
**♪** _There's no breaking up this time_

Cloud placed his hand on Zack’s cheek, stroking him gently. 

**♪** _And you know it's okay, I came to my senses_  
**♪** _Letting go of my defenses_  
**♪** _There's no way I'm giving you up this time_

There was nothing but love and joyful tears sparkling in Zack’s eyes. Cloud pulled away and let all the rapture his new found freedom brought him, fly. He belted out the chorus like no one was watching. This was a celebration of Cloud’s new found life. He had gotten himself into trouble eight years ago, but now he had finally put himself back on the only path he ever wanted to tread.

He really and truly was - 

**♪** _All in, nothing left to hide_  
**♪** _I've fallen harder than a landslide_  
**♪** _I spent a week away from you last night_  
**♪** _And now I'm calling, calling out your name,_  
**♪** _Even if I lose the game, I'm all in_  
**♪** _I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life_

Cloud grinned at Zack as the music slowed again. His face flushed brighter with embarrassment at the knowledge of what he was about to do.

**♪** _I want it, I want it, yeah I want it_  
**♪** _Yeah, I want you, I want you, I want you,_  
**♪** _Yeah and I want Zack, I want Zack, yeah I want you,_

**♪** _And I'm all in, calling out your name_  
**♪** _Even if I lose the game, I'm all in, I'm all in **for life**_

Cloud grabbed Zack’s hand, pulling him close and they swayed energetically together with the music.

When Cloud started up on the final chorus, Zack joined in, having caught on easily enough to the words.

**♪** _And I'm all in, nothing left to hide_  
**♪** _I've fallen harder than a landslide_  
**♪** _I spent a week away from you last night_  
**♪** _And now I'm calling, calling out -_

_“ **Zack/Cloud**!” _ they shouted each other’s names in unison, grinning wildly.

**♪** _Even if I lose the game, I'm all in_  
**♪** _I'm all in tonight, yeah I'm all in, I'm all in for life_

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut, clenched his fists and belted out the last line.

 **♪** _Yeah, I’m all in, I’m all in fooooooooooor liiiiiiife!_ **(1)**

Cloud finished, breathing heavily, and smiling like a fool. His cheeks ached, his nose scrunched. He was over the moon.

“I _choose_ you, Zack,” he beamed, rosy cheeked and full of glee.

Zack’s own grin couldn’t be bigger if he had tried. “There’s my sunshine,” thumbs ran over the hot apples of Cloud’s cheeks. “God, I love your smile,” Zack spoke with tinkling elation. He pulled Cloud’s face closer towards his own and planted a chaste but no less hungry kiss on wanting lips.

Cloud inhaled deeply. He had missed Zack so much. His smell, his warmth, his smile and voice. The love Cloud felt for Zack was enormous. 

They pulled apart, and fondly gazed at each other.

“Welcome home, Cloud,” Zack breathed.

Cloud’s heart filled with warmth and pleasure. His eyes travelled around his dark warehouse. Across the vehicles he had to work on, and onto his flashing phone. There was always more work coming in. Eyes fell and rested on the frame holding _that_ beloved photograph taken on one of the most painful days of Cloud’s life. 

Cloud smiled intensely as his heart filled with vibrant love and life. He lay his eyes back onto the flesh and blood Zack in front of himself.

“I really, truly, finally _am_ home. I’m never leaving again, Zack. I promise. My life is _here_ , in the present, with _you_. Although -,” Cloud’s face dropped a little, “I can’t promise that the past won’t come and haunt me from time to time.”

Zack’s hand slid up into Cloud’s mop and gently rubbed, mussing already disheveled hair.

“It’s alright. I’ll be by your side, like I know you’ll be by mine, when both our pasts come knocking.”

Cloud looked back up, vibrance returning and lighting his face. “I love you so much, Zack,” he managed to squeeze out through the enormity of deep love and affection which welled inside himself for the other man.

Zack pushed their foreheads together. “And I love you, Cloud.” He nuzzled Cloud’s cheek before he pushed lips firmly against Cloud’s smiling ones for a deep and longing kiss. Tongues entwined and stroked against one another in languid leisure.

Cloud was engulfed in that scent of earthy warmth which was quintessentially _Zack_. Strong arms wrapped him up, pulling him closer against the only man he would ever need and want in his life ever again. Somehow Cloud’s smile only grew through the kiss and a joyous laugh began rocking through him.

They pulled apart and Zack looked at Cloud with love and amusement, as Cloud shook harder with mirth.

“It feels like I’ve been waiting forever to see you like this. I’m glad it’s finally here,” Zack spoke tenderly.

Cloud’s laugh simmered a little and he grew abashed as fingers were on his cheeks again, stroking him.

“Sorry it took so long,” Cloud said, feeling somewhat shy.

“Gah! You don’t need to apologize. And stop looking so cute! Today’s _your_ birthday. I feel like you’re showering me with too many gifts, man. You’re gonna make me feel inadequate, coz it was too short notice to get you anything.”

Cloud looked up, meeting Zack’s gaze. “It’s alright, Zack. I gave myself the biggest gift of my life today.”

“Oh?”

“Mmm, yeah. The gift of finally starting my normal life. I’ve put my past to bed. I’ve turned off the lights. I’m choosing to forgive him, and,” Cloud felt the familiar prickle of tears in his eyes, but he still smiled through it, “I’m also choosing to forgive myself. I’ve done bad things. I’ve hurt people. But I’m not gonna be a victim of my past any more. I’m letting go of that. And… ” Cloud grabbed onto Zack’s sides and pulled the man against himself, “I’m holding on tight to my life with you. So don’t worry. Nothing you could ever give me could possibly be better than what I’ve finally allowed myself to have.” Cloud’s soft smile turned into a cheeky grin.

Zack’s eyes lit up and he began shaking with relief and laughter. It grew so enormous that he threw his head back and let his delight roar out of his body. When those gorgeous smiling blue eyes were training back down on Cloud they sparkled with joyful tears. “Wow, I’m so proud of you, Cloud. But I also take offense at that. I’m sure if you give me a chance I could find _something_ that would be _really_ good. Maybe something like this...”

Cloud was pulled into another loving kiss. Arms wrapped around one another, deepening their kiss. Cloud could feel how much Zack had missed him, and he was certain Zack could feel Cloud’s own longing and joy at being together again as well. 

They pulled away, both slightly breathless.

“That was pretty good, Zack.”

Zack beamed. “I knew it would be. And there’s plenty more if you want it. Anything for my birthday boy.”

Cloud felt himself beginning to blush slightly. “What did I ever do to deserve you in my life?”

“Considering what you’ve been through I think life owes you.” Zack’s hands ran down Cloud’s arms where he took both of Cloud’s hands in his own and began stroking over bandaged fingers. His brows knit with concern.

“I’m alright, Zack,” Cloud said, not even needing to hear the question.

Zack sighed with relief and let go of one of Cloud’s hands to stroke his face instead. “You’ll tell me about what happened one day, won’t you?”

Cloud nodded and gave a reassuring smile, “Yeah. But not right now. I don’t want to think about it for a while, if that’s alright.”

“Of course it’s alright.” Zack began pressing soft kisses against Cloud’s cheek. “Today should be a happy day. So what do you wanna do? Do you want to do anything? Go anywhere?” he muffled against Cloud’s ear, trailing kisses and affectionate nuzzles.

“I… I want to go out and drink. I want to go out and celebrate. Celebrate my life. Celebrate _us_. I… I just want to be with you and have a good time and go somewhere far away from here and camp out and be awake with you all night.”

Zack hummed pleasantly and kissed Cloud’s forehead before pulling away to smile at him. “That can all be arranged, Sunshine. Go pack some clothes and raid the cupboard in the boys kitchen. I know Rupert's been hiding away snacks. I’ll go find the sleeping bags and tent. We can grab some booze on the way out of the city.”

Cloud’s face broke into a radiant smile. “That sounds really good.”

“I’m full of great ideas,” Zack boasted, looking rather proud of himself.

Suddenly a sob choked out of Cloud.

“Oh Cloud, what’s the matter?”

“Nothing, it’s just been a really intense day. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad I’m not all alone.” Cloud smiled through his light onset of relieved tears.

Zack smiled at him softly. God, how Cloud loved that look. The love he felt for Zack was overwhelming. “I missed you so much,” Cloud breathed, feeling the strangeness of being so unburdened.

Zack gently wiped at the tears and stroked damp cheeks. “I know the feeling, but c’mon, lets go. I’ve got this amazing place in mind, but we gotta get there before the sun goes down or we miss the most romantic part of that location.”

Cloud chuckled, “Romantic? _Really_?” 

“Yeah. You’re gonna love it. The hills - the sunset over the ocean - the quiet.”

“Oh, you’re gonna shut up for five minutes?”

“Maybe even ten, but just coz it’s your special day,” Zack winked.

Cloud’s slight rainy mood evaporating in Zack’s bright cheer and enthusiasm. He huffed in gentle amusement and couldn’t wipe the smile off his face even if he wanted to. “Alright, I’ll race you. Last one to get their bike loaded up has to do the dishes for the next week.” Cloud pressed a super quick kiss to lips and bolted towards his living area to grab a few essential things. 

Cloud heard Zack’s laugh and shout of, _“You’re on!”_ followed by thunderous footfalls heading in the other direction.

Cloud’s normal life had finally begun.

_The End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This concludes Part Four of - **_In Pursuit of a Normal Life_**
> 
> Part One - [A Small Glimpse](https://goo.gl/Q7KZdI)  
> Part Two - [A Place To Belong](https://goo.gl/Mwfsz6)  
> Part Three - [The Clock Tower](https://goo.gl/vfr5xa)  
> Part Five - [Tales From A Normal Life](https://goo.gl/3OP1rg)
> 
>  **(1)** \- Song Credit - _[All In](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFhq22t5fdc)_ \- by **Lifehouse**  
>  You can also listen to the full [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2hG6naMJd4&list=PLGBPGoX1ZkwnTiWjqO6fqPfukkQyHopWz) for the fic if you'd like.
> 
> I loved writing this series. It has given me immense joy (as well as agony at times XD ). I am, as always, super honoured that I got to share it with fellow Clack and AkuRoku fans alike. Thank you if you have ever dropped me a kudos or comment. Thank you for all your support. And also thank you to all the silent followers and readers. I appreciate you too :)
> 
> Anyway... thanks again for reading. Every comment, kudos and page view has helped in motivating me to continue doing what I love. I appreciate you all. ❤
> 
> __  
> **~cream pudding**  
> 


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